The current mood of dyseluxon@hotmail.com at www.imood.com

 
The Big Bag of Random Stuff
  
 

   
 
We weren't born with a name, we were given a name. A hedgehog doesn't have a name. It's just a nameless thing with a handful of flesh and skin and a beating heart. A hedgehog doesn't even know it doesn't have a name.
  
 
 
   
 
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Friday, December 23, 2005
 
An Eschatological Laudry List:
A Partial Register of the 927 Eternal Truths

1. This is it!
2. There are no hidden meanings.
3. You can't get there from here, and besides, there's no place else to go.
4. We are all already dying, and will be dead for a long time.
5. Nothing lasts.
6. There is no way of getting all you want.
7. You can't have anything unless you let go of it.
8. You only get to keep what you give away.
9. There is no particular reason why you lost out on some things.
10. The world is not necessarily just. Being good often does not pay off and there is no compensation for misfortune.
11. You have a responsibility to do your best nonetheless.
12. It is a random universe to which we bring meaning.
13. You don't really control anything.
14. You can't make anyone love you.
15. No one is any stronger or any weaker than anyone else.
16. Everyone is, in his own way, vulnerable.
17. There are no great men.
18. If you have a hero, look again: you have diminished yourself in some way.
19. Everyone lies, cheats, pretends (yes, you too, and most certainly I myself).
20. All evil is potential vitality in need of transformation.
21. All of you is worth something, if you will only own it.
22. Progress is an illusion.
23. Evil can be displaced but never eradicated, as all solutions breed new problems.
24. Yet it is necessary to keep on struggling toward solution.
25. Childhood is a nightmare.
26. But it is so very hard to be an on-your-own, take-care-of-yourself-cause-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown up.
27. Each of us is ultimately alone.
28. The most important things, each man must do for himself.
29. Love is not enough, but it sure helps.
30. We have only ourselves, and one another. That may not be much, but that's all there is.
31. How strange, that so often, it all seems worth it.
32. We must live within the ambiguity of partial freedom, partial power, and partial knowledge.
33. All important decisions must be made on the basis of insufficient data.
34. Yet we are responsible for everything we do.
35. No excuses will be accepted.
36. You can run, but you can't hide.
37. It is most important to run out of scapegoats.
38. We must learn the power of living with our helplessness.
39. The only victory lies in surrender to oneself.
40. All of the significant battles are waged within the self.
41. You are free to do whatever you like. You need only face the consequences.
42. What do you know... for sure... anyway?
43. Learn to forgive yourself, again and again and again and again...

~ Sheldon B. Kopp
- dyseluxon, 12/23/2005 12:28:00 AM

Monday, December 12, 2005
 
I was witness to a union between two people today, and it filled my heart with awe to experience the energy and love that seemed to emanate from their very pores when they were together. Watching two people just gaze into each others eyes for a full minute, and to feel the connection that was ebbing between them; it was simply divine. It was beautiful. There was this sense of serenity and fulfillment that seemed to permeate the air, and I am so privileged to share that special moment of them beginning the rest of their lives together.

That was my first wedding (that I can physically remember to date, being the flowergirl when you're 5 does not count for naught), and I don't think I shall ever forget it. The simplicity of it all, you don't need all glitz and glamour to be happy, sometimes, the simpler things are, the plainer the truth of the moment is; you don't want to overshadow the frailty of something so ephemeral. Just the bare essentials, Man doesn't need frivolity; He merely craves it.

On a slightly less wholesome and more annoyed note, I finally see through myself, and why I don't make guy friends easily, on why I hold back on making guy friends. Because someone whom I would never never ever like, as in, never never never ever ever never ever, from merely ONE dinner party, and a very longdrawn, painful(least,for me it was; he, on the other hand, totally enjoyed it), intense, 'intellectual' conversation, assumed that I had the hots for him, when he was SO totally just, NOT my type. Like seriously, I would rather place my head in a vice, and chew off my own fingers with my head still in the vice, and possiby attempt to lick my elbows and swallow my knees, than even so remotely consider going out with him. He's just, weird and eccentric (no, Ling, I don't mean that in a good way) and long-winded and intellectual and thinks he's too intellectual for most normal humans and has absolutely NO FREAKING CLUE on what the concept of personal space is. I think that's a rough enough description. I abso-fucking-lutely freaked out when he grabbed my hands and placed his face a palm's length from mine, and I mean a palm, not a hand, but a hand minus e fingers, and said 'I'd really like to catch up with you more. I want to know where to draw the line.' Like seriously, you'd think this guy was into me, no? And he says he thought I was into him. The audacity!!!!!!!! ***indignant grunt*** But I digress. Anyhow, what was my point???? Well, I forgot to ask him just WHY he would think I liked him, when I thought it was rather obvious that I wasn't really into the conversation, and if he would just close his mouth and open his Goddamn eyes and read my fucking body language, he would know better and save himself and me the embarrassment of having to deal with this sticky business. Anyhow, it's been, what, a month and a bit(?) since that dreadful dinner party, and Lo! and Behold, he's at this wedding. So I try very subtly to avoid him (which, sadly, for both of us, he notices) and I evade talking to him, save for one instance, but that was short-lived, so all's good, and I got some friends to cover my back and intercede if ever the need arose. Anyhow, he finally managed to catch me unawares, and he apologised for the 'misunderstanding', for making me feel awkward (Yeah he'd better), and goes on to say how he enjoys talking to me, and thought I did too. Basically, it was like Andy Choi revisited. Except this guy was weird and intellectual-ish, well, he acts the part, if you know what I mean, pontification and grandiloquence and all. But the bottom line is this: He wants to 'be friends' and have more 'intellectual conversations' because they are right up his lane. Well Sorry Sweetheart! This girl ain't too keen on all that heavy stuff, not everyday, and certainly not with you!! And also, he makes me uncomfortable, not because he's weird (not mainly anyway), but because he has no idea of personal space!! I'm not the only one who's weirded out by him, all my girlfriends are! So least I'm not the sole mean bitch. Least I bother to talk to him, and look where that's got me. Smart, Daphne, very nicely done. Anyhow, I tell him I really wouldn't like to have more of those conversations because such full-on, intense stuff makes me uncomfortable. I enjoy intellectual conversations, yes, but once in a while, and not all e freaking time. But mainly because he makes me uncomfortable because he's too intense for me to handle and I feel that he invades my personal space. And guess what?? Either he can't handle the truth, or he gets offended because I'm halfway through that and telling him I don't really want to engage in intellectually stimulating conversations with him, and he says 'ok stop. Stop. That's enough.' And he walks away. (!!!!) Like WHAT THE HELL?????? Seriously man, this dude needs a medical checkup, and a life. He says he's been through a rough time, and he's not ready for a girl like me. What the fuck is he rattling on about??? He says he wants to know how far he can go, then he says he wants to be just friends, then he says he thinks I like him, then he says I'm a beautiful amazing smart woman, then he says he wants to apologise for making me uncomfortable, then he starts making me uncomfortable all over again. Don't, don't, I repeat, Don't fuck with my mind!!! Dammit!!! Since when did I ever tell him I wanna marry him and have his babies??? He's the one who's been conjuring and demolishing and building and touching-up on all those crazy little ideas of his! I merely had one freaking longdrawn conversation with him because I had noone else to talk to!!!!!! Jesus Christ on a stick! Just where is the logic in this??? I swear, I could go nuts. It's just so annoying how someone's scripting, directing, and producing his own little melodrama and tugging me along. I honestly did not give the guy misleading signs, I swear. Can't some people just take a freaking hint??? Good Grief!

But my point is, That if simply from one measly dinner party, someone whom I totally would NEVER think of dating could get the impression that I was interested in him, then obviously, I should stay the hell away from men because I don't want to get myself into all this sticky business because it just pisses the shit out of me and makes me do things I don't want to do and say things I don't want to say and hurt people's feelings, and when they get pushy and pig-headed, I just want to boil them alive. And that's the reason why I build up my walls and push people away when they start getting through to me. I'm closing myself off from people because I can't bear to handle the thought of a few psycho people hounding me. I don't want to hurt anyone, but equally importantly, I don't want to get hurt by anyone.
Either that, or I'm just to freaking charming and loveable that anyone who starts to come into contact with me simply can't resist me and simply has to conjure up some crazy fantasy about me coming onto them.
That's why I say flings are good. You know they're short-termed, and you mentally prepared yourself and you only let the person in to wherever you want. You don't have to open yourself up and let your mind be probed and torn to shreds and observed under a microscope. You do only as much as you want to, and as much as you're prepared to. No rules, and promises are unneccessary. It's a tradeoff though, you'll never find real, true fulfillment. But in the meantime, that's what I'm comfortable with. I can't handle the responsibility of holding someone's heart, mind, and soul in my hands, and the fact that he holds mine too. No thanks to Mr I'm-not-ready-for-someone-like-you-but-let's-be-more-than-friends-if-possible.

Get stuffed, I say. I'm through with being nice, Niceness never got anyone anything but trouble.
As the graffiti on someone's t-shirt says: Fuck this shit, I'm moving to the country. The t-shirt's right, I should go where people are overwhelmed by cattle. They're less demanding. Tasmania, Here I come.
- dyseluxon, 12/12/2005 01:15:00 AM

Tuesday, November 15, 2005
 
Why is there this need for us to categorise and label people, events and things? Why can't we simply accept people as they are, and things as they come? Randomness does not entail being nonsensical. Being different or wanting to be different does not necessarily mean someone's a deviant, or being arty-farty. It's not true that all good films are arthouse films. It just so happens that good films are usually good because they have a valid point to make, and they seek to educate and enlighten people, and that's what most arthouse films have: a point to make about a certain issue, or event, or idea. Why do we lock ourselves off from the unknown and label them as un-'us' and bear a dismissive demeanor when we encounter them? We don't have to accept everything with open arms, but why can't we embrace everything with an open mind? All it takes is some understanding. As if categorising other people and things weren't bad enough, why do we impose certain labels on ourselves and try as hard as we can to stick by those labels, an exist in the square we draw out for ourselves? It's as if all that our being encompasses exists solely within that tiny space we demarcate for our existence. Anything that's outside of the demarcating line we draw for ourselves is foreign and unwelcome. Why? Why do the people around me do that to themselves? Why am I doing it to them by writing this post? By the very act of saying they are part of this certain group of people, I am imposing a label on them. How much more ironic can this get? What is with good and bad? Right and wrong? There are certain things in life that undoubtably have a line that denotes what's right and what's not. But in the grander scheme of things, why can't we all just life and accept and not impose a standard to live by on everything? I need a larger breathing space.
- dyseluxon, 11/15/2005 12:12:00 PM

Sunday, November 06, 2005
 
I feel like I'm losing my inspiration. I don't feel inspired anymore. I don't feel like I inspire anyone or anything anymore. I don't feel inspiring anymore. I'm losing my way in this materialistic superficial made-up world. Where has my human integrity gone to? Why have I let myself spiral away from my intention? I feel ashamed, cheated, disgusted, let down. What happened to the times when I have often walked alone, just soaking in my surroundings, appreciating God's gifts and finding comfort in my isolation? When I could simply be a passive observer of my goings-on, yet still feel as if I'm being welcomed and embraced by Nature and Life with wide open arms, only to feel completely and utterly alone in the whole scheme of things.

I want confirmation and stability, yet I'm afraid of repetition and the drudgery that it might hold. I want change and adventure, yet I'm afraid of change. I crave risk, yet I want to be sure I'll emerge victorious. I adore variety, yet the thought of touch-and-go fills me with the dread of superficiality.

Sometimes you wonder, 'Just WHAT is it all for? Where does it lead? Where do I stand? Is it really all worth it?'

I feel like a bird in a cage. A golden cage with diamond studs and intricate details on the cage. Exquisite workmanship and extravagant finery. Yet all the bird wants to do is to fly and be in a community of her own. With her own kind. To love, and be loved, by beings just like her. Yet when she does leave her life where real worries of survival cease to exist, she can't survive in the real world. Pressing issues, famine, torture, rejection are rampant. The little spoilt rich bird can't even begin to understand the workings of the real world. She doesn't being with them and she can't frolick with them. She simply can't keep up. Yet she can't take the live of suffocating meaningless opulent luxury.
Where does she go from here?
- dyseluxon, 11/06/2005 01:21:00 PM

Tuesday, November 01, 2005
 
It's terrible when you're feeling something you shouldn't be feeling, yet you can't help it, and you don't want to indulge it yet it feels so right, yet wrong at the same time. And your mind is telling you to turn and walk away, because this is not what you want, it's not what you were looking for; you wanted something more.

I feel like such a shallow bitch. I don't even deserve what I'm feeling, and I certainly don't deserve more. I just want some clear answers, and a beacon to guide me, that's all I'm asking for, for the way to be lighted. I just can't grope around in the dark forever, it's killing me slowly, and I'm losing faith in myself and in what I believe in.

Just as Odysseus had to bear the many years of wanderings, lost at sea and bracing the storms and the gods before returning home to Ithaca, I feel as if I'm being put to test, and I have to pass the many trials and tribulations before finally finding my peace. Before I can come to terms with myself, and with the people and happenings around me.

I feel like I'm on board a vessel that's lost at sea and everyone on board is dead and I'm the only one left alive, knowing and facing an impending doom, yet still hoping against hope for that remote possibility of a different outcome.
- dyseluxon, 11/01/2005 02:13:00 AM

Monday, October 17, 2005
 
"Oh God! There's nothing we can do. What can we do..."

Isn't it ironic when you're sitting at home in succession for a full 7 days, when it has been nothing short of glorious sunshine outside and you're seated in front of your laptop, and you're facing the full-paned window that stretches from the floor to the ceiling and you can just imagine the radiant sunshine striking your skin when you're writing an essay on the futility of the human condition and how Man is ultimately alone in his solitude and his futile quest against the oppressions of the society that governs him, and the one thing that Man fundamentally fears is death? So why do we fear failing our essays, not meeting datelines and getting caught for plagiarism? Shouldn't we be out enjoying life and living it up when that's the very thing that we are writing about at the very moment in time?
Ahhh, the bitter-sweetness of such irony. Brings a smile to my face despite the darkness looming in my academic horizon. I love you Ionesco.

"What good are bullets against the resistance of an infinitely stubborn will!"
- dyseluxon, 10/17/2005 04:51:00 PM

Monday, October 10, 2005
 
Ahhhh Murphy, Murphy, Murphy... Darling Murphy. You and I go wayyyyyy back don't we? I can't count all the times when you've come along and thwarted things and given me a kick in the behind and sent me tumbling back to square one just when I thought I had a foot in things. Ain't it lovely how we always end up with our faces in mud and it feels as if the world's just standing a mere metre away, laughing at us and snickering, one hand on her mouth, the other hand extended with a jeering finger aimed in our direction. How pathetic, you think. But it's true, however hard you try to deny it, there have been countless such moments, and you just wanna crawl into some hole and just not exist for one day, just to see how the world would function without you. More often than not, it's over some silly insignificant thing. But it's not the tiny view that's affecting you, it's how it fits into the bigger picture and paints an even more disturbing and sad picture of you. It's like how a thousand tiny drops of water fill a cup to the brim and it's that one tiny drop that finally causes it to overflow. At the end of the day, it all adds up. So don't say that this is just one setback, because it is one of many setbacks that have occurred, and will occur in time to come.

Where is the justice?????!?~?!~! When will it be my turn to laugh? This is all crap. They say good things come to those that wait. Well, I've been waiting my whole life and still I don't see any sign. I do count my blessings, but sometimes, it just seems a lil tad bit biased and unevenly spread out between the people.

Blessed are the meek, they say.
Well, Ballocks to that, That's what I say. Spare me the cheap talk, I want something real I can hold and feel and call mine, not some empty promise of future fulfillment.
- dyseluxon, 10/10/2005 04:44:00 PM

Friday, October 07, 2005
 
Right now, I feel like I'm tobboganing down a steep slope, gathering speed as I hurtle past the things around me, heading towards nowhere in a rush. I'm thinking to myself as I pass the stop points around me, that I can always double back and head back up the slope. Of course, the journey upwards is definitely going to be way tougher and strenous then down, but hey, it doesn't seem as if that's one of the main concerns right now, does it? I guess it's like that when you've just finished something that requires your upmost decication to it, and when it's over, you feel like you have your life back again, and you just have to fill it back up to the brim and simply enjoy life. However, there's always the obligations and responsibilities that get lagged behind. Such as schoolwork and financial resources. But honestly, I think I deserve this break. I'm really living it up, and last night wasn't a huge night out, but I really felt connected with what went on, and I didn't have to think about how I had to act and react, or how the people around me were going to perceive me. I was in my own skin again. I would love that to happen more often. Just letting loose and having a bit of fun. On a side note, I realised how uncomfortable I am with compliments. It makes me feel as if I've got a standard to live up to, and I feel really pressurized to live up to that, as if I would be disappointing the people around me if I didn't live up to their expectations of how funny I am.

I've got 3 major assignments and a journal due in the next 2 weeks, and I'm still lapping it up, enjoying life, loving the fact that I've now got my Tuesday evenings, Fridays and Sundays back. No more Parade rehearsals, sad but true, but Parade's given me much more than I asked for, and I'm thakful for that. I had the best coffee session on Tuesday, 6 straight hours sitting in the same spot, not budging. Loving it. I should have gotten down to this ages ago. I need the door to be open, the lights turned on, and the welcome mat put out for me before I step through the door, but that's not going to work in the long run sister. I need to start being proactive and start taking risks!!!!!!!!!! Life is a risk itself, don't be a chicken! No good could come out of staying in my safety zone! Easy said, now put that into practice. And she shrinks back into her cubby hole again. But sometimes, it's just not worth the risk. I'm happy just sitting in my toboggan, hurtling down the slope, and if someone comes along and joins me, so there. Otherwise, I'm happy moving on ahead at breakneck speed, living it up. For now. Til I hit a reality checkpoint, and then it's back to work! But til then, lapping it up! I still wish for something more fulfilling, something visceral and tangible that I can feel, but it all takes time I guess.
- dyseluxon, 10/07/2005 04:02:00 PM

Saturday, October 01, 2005
 
If people would just respect themselves and watch themselves a little, then noone would have any reason to detest them, right?

I seriously have no idea what people are thinking about sometimes, and this is ironic coming from a girl who woke up at 715am and for some reason thought the clock read 515 even though she DID see 715, and sat staring at the clock for a full 20secs wondering why the clock seemed so odd. Not to mention that it was 715 in the morning, and she thought it was 515 at the evening, and panicked cuz she thought she would miss her audition. Not to forget that she thought her phone was screwed up on daylight savings or something cuz it read 0715hrs, when she thought it should have been 1915hrs. Upon discovering it was really 715, she then proceeded to panic about having already missed her audition, and having only 45mins to bathe, drive, make-up, and donn on her costume for Parade. Then she wondered as to why the Parade stagemanagers did not call her to enquire as to her whereabouts, and so she proceeded to call one of them, who was her good friend, to ask for the time. The phone rang four times before the realisation slowwwwly crept in that it was really morning, and she was in fact, very early for both her audition, and for Parade. Hence, she went back to sleep.

That was a seriously creepy 5mins in my life, when I was totally out of it, and I was totally tripping. Who needs weed and cocaine when you've got a mind that toys with you like that? I scare myself silly sometimes.

While we're on that topic, I find that I don't know myself anymore. Well, I do, but I'm slowly but steadily letting out my inner demon. I'm slowly morphing into this self-indulgent, antagonist, unforgiving sprite, and it troubles me. The past few days, I've been a monster, and I just don't know where I'm mentally at anymore. I don't want to be this ugly person who snarls and spits and curses and condemns. It's fun, for a while, it's cathartic, it lets me release all the pent up frustration, but after a few days, it starts to get me down, and I start feeling like this huge ugly monster that's trundling down the path, crushing the daffodils underfoot. I think I lack direction, and I seriously need to start finding it. I could blame it all on the stress of production, but I know that's not it. It may be a contributing factor, but it's not the main reason. I'm the main reason. Even just looking back at the recent posts, it's so glaringly obvious that they're so indulgent and self-centered and simply ugly. It's disheartening. I'm becoming like the people around me, incessantly bitching and gossiping, and I don't want that. Not that I think they're not nice people, oh no, they're lovely people, but I just don't want to bitch about others because I don't see the point in doing so. Live and let live. You'll have less things to worry about that way, and you get better karma. Lead me back the right way.

I started off wanting to have a lil bitch about the disgusting guy who keeps screwing up every single run of Parade, but ended up with a little conclusive discourse of myself. I like that, it shows I'm still capable of letting go and being a bigger person. I've still got it in me. I can do it.
- dyseluxon, 10/01/2005 01:29:00 AM

Thursday, September 29, 2005
 
I don't think I'm a very nice person anymore. I think bad thoughts when I shouldn't, and when everyone else is around me has nasty sentiments regarding something and I share it, I actively portray my nastiness.

I was so close to picking a fight with a cast member today after our final dress run. Not because I'm a bitch or he's a dickhead, which he is, but simply cuz, well... he's a total dickhead.
I gaining a bit of a nasty streak. And the worst thing is, I like indulging it. I like being nasty to nasty people. Which shouldn't be the way. But sometimes they really have it coming.
I'm wayyyyy past the stage of feeling sorry for him, I've reached the 'just stay the fuck away from me and I'll pretend you don't exist, but if you disagree with me or even think about touching me I will so give you a roundhouse in the testicles' stage.
I gave him the attitude today, in front of the full cast, and I refused to hi-five him when we were going down the line hi-fiving everyone. I don't fucking give a damn. He's repulsive, and that's that. We've got two people standing at the top of a structure that is bloody wobbly and the prospect of falling is so high, and you say stupid things like 'it's gotta shake to look believeable'... like seriously, what the fuck are you doing in performing arts? Fucking think mate, Acting = Pretending. Dickhead. If anything is priority number one, that's 'Health and Safety', fuckwit.

That aside, Parade goes on tomorrow. It's been an awesome 4months of rehearsals, tedious at times, but it's all gonna be worth it, it's gonna be a fucking amazing show, and I'm not gonna let any halffuck ruin it. I will make sure everything runs smoothly, and people don't jeopardize the show, or else I swear I will crack it. I don't feel the emotion anymore, it's gone on too long and I'm kinda sick of it ehehe but I do know that I haven't gone thru this much to let this show be a let down. It's going to be amazing. Simply because it's a wonderfully beautiful story, and we owe it to the script and the real people who suffered the injustices nearly a century ago.

And I've got an audition on Friday that I really wanna make an impression in. But I haven't even chosen my monologue. Not to mention that it's Shakespeare, gulp.

But all's good. It's back to uni after this weekend, and essays galore. Back to drudgery. Unless I get into the productions, which will be awesome. But til then.

But all else aside, I'm still relatively happy.
- dyseluxon, 9/29/2005 12:23:00 AM

Sunday, September 25, 2005
 
I am in love right now.
With the beautiful people around me, with the wonderful workings of the world.

You throw out shit, the shit comes back round to you threefold. Throw out shinnies, and the shinnies come back threefold. Although half the time, 90% of the world is throwing out shit at each other, and more often than not, the shinnies that come back to you are covered in shit. But hey, it's worth it, isn't it? If you don't try and make a difference, and everyone thinks the same way, noone's gonna get any shinnies simply cuz they ain't coming round.

I can't wait for Parade to open. It's a beautiful show, and it's wonderfully moving and heartfelt.
I can't wait for Friday to come, I wonder what's gonna happen.
I can't wait to see Mr N.G again, after so long.
I can't wait for the feelings and thoughts that cross my mind cuz I wanna know what the sight of him is gonna rekindle in me, or confirm in me, or strike out in me.
I can't wait for all the auditions to be over cuz I wanna know if I'll be staying the summer.
I can't wait for one particular audition to be over, cuz I really wanna know if I'll get into it.
I can't wait, for the shinnies to hit me.

I'm just high, on Life.
- dyseluxon, 9/25/2005 12:56:00 PM

Sunday, September 18, 2005
 
I am very, very, tremendously annoyed right now. Annoyed at myself. At my flaccid niceness. At my stupid inability to say 'No'. At how disgustingly selfish people can be. At how blindingly blatently inconsiderate they can get. At the inefficiency of the system. At the ridiculous rules and regulations of the system. At my own fear and inertia to do anything about it. Instead of doing something, here I am, having a whinge and taking it out upon myself, punishing my body by pigging out on a whole tub of ice cream and then having another whinge about it later on and having to pay for the unhealthiness and extra pounds.

Two fucking parking fines in two weeks. What the fuck. It's a fucking stupid idea to have a theatre built in an area that only allows permit parking. Where the hell are the theatregoers expected to park? Under the tree? And they say they support the arts. Right.

To top that off, I have officially been in the red in the accounts, and now some stories have to be cooked up bout why the money's been spent so quickly when the truth is that I have been doing nothing but scrimping and saving the past weeks and being fucking drained and tired.

Why do people not think about others before they act?? How the hell and I supposed to get my fucking car into the parking space when it's up next to the wall; the driveway is shitarse narrow; and the car next to my alloted space has it's fucking hood sticking out of its fucking space?? Seriously, FUCKING THINK MATE. YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY FUCKER LIVING IN THIS FLAT. As if the humungous SUV wasn't enough already.

Also, why can't I fucking learn to say 'no'??? It's bloody 9pm, I've an essay due tomoro that I haven't started a single word on, I've finished watching a play that's 2mins away from home, and someone asks if I can drive them home. You fucking say 'no' to them. On a normal day I'd say 'yes' willingly, but seriously, I know public transport is crap on a Sunday night, but I've got a fucking assignment due tomorrow that I haven't started on, and you're asking me if I can drive you all the fucking way home???? That took me all of 40mins, and that's because I was fucking driving like a maniac. Doing 150 on the freeway, that's not cool, but seriously, at least it helps in calming me down and relaxing the nerves, it's cathartic, except for the possibility that I might get pulled over, and get yet another fucking driving speeding fine slapped on top of the existing two parking fines. It's not that I mind driving all the way, but at least a show of gratitude would be good, like offering me petrol money?? Every dickhead around knows petrol prices are sky high, and it's not as if I'm some fucking millionaire's daughter. Jesus. Not that I want the petrol money, it's just the thought that counts, know? Am I like everyone's personal chauffer??? Fucking hell. People are starting to seriously annoy the hell out of me. Myself included. I just wanna go on a rampage and start destroying everyone and everything in sight. Starting with myself first, loading up with ice cream and chocolates and alcohol and tobacco, then moving on to crash and burn with Ryan, and maybe doing more physical damage to myself in the process. Only cuz doing harm to myself means I'm taking it out upon myself, and I don't have to hurt others, cuz I'm a bigtime wuss.

Fuck I disgust me.
- dyseluxon, 9/18/2005 10:04:00 PM

Tuesday, September 13, 2005
 
"The imaginative artist willy-nilly influences his time. If he understands his responsibility and acts on it - taking the art seriously always, himself never - he can make a contribution equal to, if different from, that of the scientist, the politician, and the jurist."
- Herman Wouk, Pulitzer Prize-winning American author

That's me alright, taking my art seriously(least, I hope it seems so), and never taking myself seriously. Life's too short, learn to laugh at yourself a little. I do, and sometimes, cry a little, because there's just too much sorrow and beauty in this world. To not feel the world you live in would be a horrible injustice to living.

I would love to make a difference, to influence and affect the people around me; the world I live in. Even so, I accept that I am merely mortal, and one of a million gazillion people in this world, each unique in their own ways. Some more talented then others, and a handful are simply amazing to be around.
- dyseluxon, 9/13/2005 12:49:00 PM

Monday, September 12, 2005
 
Knowing is better than wondering.

Yet how else can I go about trying to know, when I've already posed the question and have gotten a silence as my answer? Does this mean I've already done my part and can therefore say 'I did all that I could and it's now not up to me anymore, I'm merely a pawn that's all part of the larger picture'? Or do I push on and burrow for my answer? Even though that's almost equivalent to unearthing the very ground I stand upon? The stakes are just too big. I can't do it. I've tried, and I've neither succeeded nor failed. It's been an unsatisfactory non-plussed lack of answer.

I hate this feeling of being suspended in the middle of nowhere. Makes me vulnerable and helpless.
- dyseluxon, 9/12/2005 09:36:00 PM

Sunday, September 11, 2005
 
When things don't go your way, and you end up sulking and thinking about how wonderful it would be if things turned out the way you wanted them to, only to experience a sudden totally unexpected turn of events which make you think how wonderful it is that things didn't go your way in the first place. Especially when the people in question who turn up unexpectedly are the people whom you care about, and it makes you happy to make them happy.

I was sitting at home at midnight, on a Saturday, gently and quietly brewing nasty thoughts in the back of my head because a certain someone didn't reply to my sms, and I wanted to put a hex on him, and other certain people were busy and I wanted to boycott them from my life, and I just couldn't be bothered with anyone else and decided to put on some Michael Buble and get started on sewing that dreaded costume of mine for Parade just to busy my hands with something and get my mind off all depressing stuff, when the phone rang, and my first instinctual thought was: 'Sheesh! Who could be calling at this hour?'
However, noone ever calls my home phone, except people who do market surveys and they never call at midnight, and the only other people who call at the most inappropriate times are the parents. And lo and behold, 'twas them on the other line.

They were just as surprised to find me at home, as I was at them calling at such a crazy hour. Easy for them, it's 10pm there, but midnight here! But one could hear the satisfaction in their voice, the tenderness and loving ache their voice held, simply because the fact that I was at home at midnight on a Saturday meant that I wasn't **quote** 'out gallivanting' **unquote**
What a word, 'gallivanting'. Makes me sound like some ill-tempered ill-natured knight with an ill-gotten agenda from the dark ages.

Anyhow, the fact that I didn't get what I want on a Saturday night, and hence I made my parents happy and I got started on my costume, made me realise how the Lord works in such mysterious ways. I felt really glad and satisfied when I went to bed, thinking on the fact that I could reinforce my parents' faith in me, and to lay their doubts of me just partying and not studying or doing some work to rest. I find that as I get older, I really want my parents' approval, not just in the things I do, but I want them to trust me and be happy, and to know that I know my limits and can take care of myself. I want to make them proud of me. I want them to cease worrying about me. I want them to be at peace and happy.
But of course, not at the cost of my agony. But ah... I feel like such a good daughter.
- dyseluxon, 9/11/2005 10:30:00 AM

Thursday, September 08, 2005
 
Where do you draw the line between where someone's talent ends and their personality begins??
I've got someone up on a pedestal, and I'm in love with him. Least I think I am. I know I'm in love with his amazing talent and his unbelieveable wit and humour. But do I really know him for who he is? I only know the one side of him that I've seen. How do I know if what I'm in love with is not merely his talent, and the sum of his whole? I need to reach an understanding, of him, of my own feelings and conceptions. I need to bring him down to earth, away from the pedestal that I've put him on, so I can see him as a person, a flawed living breathing human being just as I am, and not the unrealistic portrait that I've painted of him in strokes of black and white.
- dyseluxon, 9/08/2005 05:16:00 PM

Monday, September 05, 2005
 
He is beautiful.

We look for the qualities that we would love to possess, the qualities that we lack. For the other person to complete us. We project ourselves onto them, and they become an extension of our personalities.

If it seems as if I don't ever get angry, then he does not have it in him to hate. I have never seen him lose his cool, get angry, snap at someone, or even vaguely annoyed or irritated. He's always got a glow in his eyes, and they seem like they can see right into you; through you. You can see the passions, the intensity, his desire for life and his art burning in him.
His imagination, his creativity, his determination, his zest, his eccentricity, his humour and wit, his amazing talent, his passion, his dedication, his odd sense of everything.
His energy is infectious; his space is encompassing. His sincerity is disarming. He is so grounded that I am thrown odd by him. I find myself, and even the others around him, influenced and changed. Such is the extent of his exuberant disposition.

We feed off each other's spark and wit, but only on the surface level. We haven't gone deeper, beyond the impersonal. Yet will I still think him as beautiful when he lets me into his mind? Will he still see me in the same light? I'll never know, cuz he's out of my life, unless something happens, and he's written into my life and we cross paths again. Which I desperately hope we do. Right now. Have I ever wanted something so bad? I think I have, but right now, a tiny bit of me is dying with each passing moment. I've learnt and grown so much in the past few days, yet that extension is slowly but steadily diminishing. I thrive on his passion and talent.

I want that man.

Why do I fear what people would think? Why do I fear what I want? Why is it that I have no qualsm approaching a girl whose company I enjoy, yet I have so many second doubts and fears in wanting to start a conversation with a guy whose mind amazes me? Why am I afraid of what he would perceive from me?
I am a hopeless case; I'm at a hopeless loss.
- dyseluxon, 9/05/2005 11:01:00 PM

Thursday, September 01, 2005
 
To repeat for the third time today, 'I'm BACK!!!!'
Yes, all that depression has been neatly folded and stack in the back of the wardrobe, waiting to surface again some time later on, further down the road, but for now, good ol' Daphne's back in action. Not to say that I don't still occasionally feel that odd bout of downness, but I'm keeping it all in check.

Go Rhinoceros!
Everyday we progress a bit further up that road to the peak, and everyday I'm having a bit more fun that the previous day. Very soon, this will all be over, to be precise, in 3 days, but right now, I'm basking in it. I love this. Performing, having fun. It's awesome.
I'm gonna miss this, this hustle bustle, the purposefulness I have every day, in knowing that there's something to look forward to in the evenings. I don't wanna take a step back into the old routine of coming home and cooking dinner in a quiet flat. I wanna be in the theatre, waiting backstage; dancing to the french horn; whispering and mucking around in the dark; cracking obscene dirty jokes; talking about deep stuff; just chilling and having a lil chat and goss session in the dirt and grim; scooting off during the interval for a beer; smoking a joint in the fucking freezing rain; playing fun warmup games and feeling each others' energy; getting to know you; admiring talent when it's being put onstage; getting home and removing the mask of the show and feeling like I've done what I was destined to do today and going to bed feeling uselful. I don't wanna have to go back to drabness. But oh, such is the way things are. I can't wait to start getting real roles and doing real shows. But well, that's the way the cookie crumbles. Making a conscious effort to grab every moment by the balls and living it up. That's the way it should be done.
- dyseluxon, 9/01/2005 01:05:00 AM

Sunday, August 28, 2005
 
I have reached a new low.

What is with these obsessions? For the first time in my life, I'm actually pondering the possibility of manic depression. It sounds absurd. But then again, so is life.

The past few days have been one hell of a roller coaster ride. Not by the hand of anyone or anything else, but by my own thoughts.

I seem to have lost interest in the things that once ignited that spark in me. Nothing real seems to excite me anymore. The wildest fantasies make me crazy with passion, but they exist only in the land of my obsessions, and can never materialise. Yet these are the very things that fuel me with desire and drive me up the wall with intense desperation. I'm gradually losing interest in reality, and craving for my dreams to take place. And simply because these dreams are totally impossible, the knowledge of never attaining them makes me insanely upset. What is wrong with me? Where is my mind going? I crave something I know is out of my reach and totally not my cup of tea, yet why do I still want it?

Just WHY am I fucking up my own mind?

What is my existence, but an illusive hologram?

I don't want to turn into a self-indulgent depressive freak who only thinks about her own problems. There are larger issues at hand. Yet I find myself turning more and more towards that path of indulgence. Someone seal off that pathway, it's not doing me any good. I need help.
- dyseluxon, 8/28/2005 11:04:00 PM

Saturday, August 27, 2005
 
I am in love.
I'm in love with life. With what Life has to offer. With talent. With the talent that I can offer. With the cast and crew of Rhinoceros. With the talented cast of Rhinoceros. With humour and wit. With humility. With how beautiful people can be.

Or maybe it's just the Carlton Draught and Kahlau talking. Being around such talented, funny, and humble people is simply an amazing trip. I am intoxicated.

Yesterday was the opening night of Rhinoceros, and it went so good, considering we hadn't had a full run. Maybe I'm too tired to be excited, or maybe I'm losing the rush of performing, but I ain't feeling the heart-pumping experience. Maybe I'm just getting into the hang of things. But it's good, helps to settle me. An actor should always be calm and in control of themselves, and not riding on the waves of adrenaline and counting on that for energy.

Despite all that, it's been a crazy crazy week. The broccoli in the fridge is rotting simply because I haven't had the time to cook at home ehehe How lovely.

To be extremely talented, eccentric, funny, humble, polite, considerate, and grounded. How amazing is that? I'm so swimming in all that right now. Not the conventional ideal partner, but how often do you find someone like that? Screw materialistic needs and luxury. Let me indulge in my artiste's dream and fantasy for a minute. It's fun to be poor and happy. Least, in the short term.

I love this show. It's been an awesome 2 nights of the show; 2 down, 6 to go. All good things must end, how tragic. But for now, I'm revelling in it. I'm drunk on emotion. I'm in love with all the beautiful people that surround me. One very talented person in particular. Wow. I'm blown away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

22 August, 1155hrs

There is beauty in everything.
Even in the blazing glare of a massive inferno.
The morbid fascination in something wretched and distorted.
The beauty in destruction, for it is in destruction that there entails creation.
The beauty of fall. The peotic rhythms of the yellow leaves drifting, spiralling, wafting aimlessly towards their destination. The turbulence of the chasing leaves caught up in a gale.

There is beauty in sadness.
A sense of closure
The bittersweet quality of an ending, of something being taken.

The delight in sorror, of having something wrenched from your grasp.

I want to shut that door.
To distance myself, to immunize my heart, to desensitize my mind, to not feel the sorrow and anguish that goes on around me.
I want to shut my emotional eye.
To understand and feel something from an intellectual point of view and think, to Feel coherently, and not be reduced to a blubbering mass of tears and snot.
I need to master my feelings. If I can't even control how I react physically to my emotions, how can I be in control of my being on the whole?

I need space. Space. Away from what's going on around me. Away from the world. To breathe, and to just be. Without having to think about how to react to whatever. To drop the roles that the world knows as "Daphne". To shed the layers and masks and pretenses. Crudely and selfishly speaking, to not give a damn about anything. Enough with being nice and humane and politically correct. To not think about anything or anyone for just one day.
That would be good.
- dyseluxon, 8/27/2005 12:39:00 AM

Tuesday, August 16, 2005
 
How can I want someone to understand me when I can't even begin to understand myself or know what I want?
- dyseluxon, 8/16/2005 11:35:00 PM

Sunday, August 14, 2005
 
still trying to get my hands on the fleeting shadows that consistently elude me

In praise of the things that I seek,
She used to look good to me
But now I find her
Simply irresistible
'Simply Irresistible' - Robert Palmer
- dyseluxon, 8/14/2005 08:41:00 PM

Wednesday, August 10, 2005
 
Hamartia

Every hero has his fatal flaw: Agamemnon had his pride, Achilleus had his anger, Odysseus had his scheming mind. Me? I have Greed. I want it all, I do. The me of yesteryear would spit at the feet of the me now. All that talk of living for my art and for love, money not mattering to me, not falling prey to materialism and consumerism... That's all gone now. Today a Porsche Carrera zoomed past on the freeway and I ached to catch up with it. Keeping half an eye on it while it was 2 cars ahead, and a slight triumphant smile surfaced on overtaking it, congratulating myself on my good driving skills. As the Carrera pulled up alongside, a sideward glance revealed an Asian dude taking a drag from his ciggie. The heart palpitations increased. What exactly am I doing to myself? To what degree is this obssession to get to? If someone buys me a Maserati, I'd be putty. Not for who he is, but for what he has. A friend commented that I'm high maintenance, I didn't use to think so, but lately, I'm starting to see his point. Where is the harm in wanting to be pampered and not have to worry incessantly about making ends meet? Doesn't everyone want to live in luxury and abundance? It's not as if I'd look down on others or keep all the wealth to myself, I'd share my wealth, support a kid in a third world country, make frequent donations. So why am I ashamed of this materialism that fills my being?

Independence
Everyone's got to learn how to stand on their own eventually, and the last three days have been good. It's amazing how we tend to take the people closest to us for granted. And how we miss the inconveniences we used to complain about. Being independent's more than just a physical state of being, it's a mental state of mind. The next 6 weeks are going to be a challenge, being on my own for the first time ever, not having any friends or family close at hand to fall back on, this is going to be one helluva ride, and I'm gonna emerge victorious, knowing that I can count on Him to hold my hand and guide me through this trial.
- dyseluxon, 8/10/2005 10:23:00 PM

Saturday, July 30, 2005
 
Wishing, and Hoping, and Thinking, and Praying.

It's 11.10am on a Saturday morning and I'm seated at the entrance of my uni library, choosing to blog because the main collection isn't open and I can't borrow the play I want to learn my monologue from for my audition on Tuesday.

But why am I here in the first place? More importantly, I have a dance audition for RENT in 49mins. And most importantly, I just concluded my singing audition 6mins ago, and it was shit. I've said this before and I shall say it again and a million more times to come, I hate auditions(which isn't a very good thing, considering the career I wanna get into). As I pause between words to type this post, my fingers are still shaking from my nervousness. Needless to say, I screwed up my audition. I had to request to restart my song cuz I was totally off, and I forgot my lyrics. My only tiny tinge of hope in the distant horizon is that I vaguely saw the music director nod at my strong bit (which wasn't as strong as I had hoped it would be) from the corner of my eye. But it's a huge musical, and there're countless aspiring actors who wanna be in it. I wasn't asked do to the scales with them, and I can only read it as a bad sign. They don't wanna know my range. I could go on, but I shan't. I should stop wallowing. Anyhow, the dance audition's coming up later, there's that to look forward to, though there're many others auditioning too who've got dance backgrounds. My one saving grace: dance. How ironic, considering I always preferred singing to dancing cuz singing's less tedious. How wrong I was.

Maybe I should say this is all just wishful thinking on my part. But hope is always a good thing, it keeps us going and pushes us onward inspite of adversity. My big hopes were pinned on today's audutions. Being able to screw up the audition I totally prepared for, I'm sure I shall have no problems screwing up the other audition I'm so totally unprepared. Maybe I should just go into architecture. Things'll be easier and less problematic. Hell, it's even easier to get a PR with that. Pffft.
- dyseluxon, 7/30/2005 11:09:00 AM

Saturday, July 16, 2005
 
Just to set the record straight, I think the guy I have a crush on has a crush on my friend. So all the people that I've gushed to about him, tis the end of the road for my gushing sessions, heheh, it doesn't mean I don't still find him hot, hell no, he's divine, but well, it's just the way the cookie crumbles! And please, don't feel sorry for me or whatever, cuz I don't feel sorry for myself! I'm just re-discovering myself and trudging along the long and winding road of life. I've come to the realisation that finding a partner is about compromise and acceptance, and I don't think I'm searching for the right thing. I'm looking for someone to fit the mold I've got somewhere in my subconscious, and I don't think I'm ready to accept the cruel truth that people have flaws, and that the person I want to spend the rest of my life with is imperfect. And that in his eyes, I am imperfect too.

I think the same goes with friends. When it comes to getting to know people, it seems as if all's hunky-dory, but like a butterfly that flits from flower to flower sucking on the nectar, I find that after a short period of acquaintance with someone, it seems as if conversation comes less easily, and I'll eventually find someone else new, and the cycle repeats. Is it just me? Why does it seem that other people can find close friends so easily, yet I'm plagued with this problem? And it doesn't help the matter that I feel like such a deserter when I get closer to some other friends and drift from the initial group of friends. It shits me that I feel this way. Is it my nature? Or have I just not found the right group of people that I can sufficiently connect with?

But all aside,
I am happy.

Maybe 'happy' isn't the right word to use. Shall I say 'content' instead? The past few weeks have been good. God, nature, and people have been more than kind to me. But I'm afraid that the old cycle will kick in again, and I'll feel the need to find something more to fulfill my lack of contentment with what I currently hold. Maybe Hannibal Lecter is right, our greatest sin is that we covet. Everyday, we covet what we see.

More so in the past weeks than in the previous months, I've shed the chrysalis that I placed myself in, and am more willing to reveal the me that I so desperately want people to accept, but fear that that would set me apart, not in a good way. Maybe it's the friendly aid of my old pal, vodka, or maybe not, but I want to be different, yet not so different that I am not accepted. I want to be one with the masses, eek. What's wrong with me. But for now, I'm working on it, I'm trying to be myself, and not worry or care what others think. I shall dazzle some, while others might want to empty a shotgun through my skull cavity, but whatever. To each his own.

But at this moment in time, I am sufficiently happy.
- dyseluxon, 7/16/2005 01:46:00 PM

Sunday, July 10, 2005
 
When was the last time I gushed? Seriously can't remember... was it that long ago? Am I practising such good self-restraint or is it simply cuz there isn't anything to gush about? I reckon it's a bit of both, hopefully... hmmm......... Somehow a good night out is always followed by a guilty night in. There's nothing wrong with having some fun with mates and getting to know the shy people in the musical, getting pissed, then stumbling over a couple of people and getting phantom bruises, so why do I feel as if I did something bad? The hangover should be punishment enough, so why the guilt trip? Or is the guilt trip a result of the hangover? Or does alcohol simply do funny things to my brain, aside from the fact that I get missing chunks of memory of the previous night. Like how did I walk out from the pub to the carpark? I only remember someone saying the place was closing, and the next thing I knew I was falling down on the carpark... very unglamourous. And while we're at it, how about claiming the guy cleared my glass when it still had drink in it, when it was actually already empty? And the clincher: calling the guy I have a massive crush on by his mate's name... H o w e m b a r r a s s i n g i s t h a t ? Okie, pushing all the negative thoughts aside now.... I can only hope I didn't make an utter knob of myself, and we know how likely I am to have done so... Sigh... Now we know why people don't normally drink in the courtrooms, or right before they take their wedding vows... well, some people might, you never know... That's food for thought.

Anyhow, since we're on the topic of the crush, and on gushing... indulgence is good, once in a longggg while, and I shall indulge. Had an epiphany on why Singaporeans are such antagonistic unhappy people, and how we can make this world a better place, but I'm really not in the mood for serious stuff, so that's gotta wait. This is gonna be a random recollection of thoughts/verbal diarrhoea kinda thing, so here goes!

During one rehearsal, a friend commented that I smelt like something, can't remember what, it wasn't bad or anything, just a passing comment, OH! I think she said I smelt like mint or something, possibly mint, and the crush, who shall remain anonymous for the sake of my shy shy self, commented 'Really? I think she smells like strawberries.' At that point in time I thought absolutely nothing of it, but now, since I'm gushing and sitting in my corner and thinking about whether I embarrassed myself yesterday, random memories pop into mind, and I had thought nothing of that, til it resurfaced in my life 2 seconds ago, and I actually realised that that was such a sweet sweet thing to say!!!!! And he didn't say it in a sleazy kinda way, he said it in an earnest matter-of-fact way... How endearing!!! And yesterday at the pub, he kept getting me to laugh cuz he likes my laugh ***squeal*** But I must admit, I was laughing very loudly and for no reason at all, no thanks to Mr. double-shot-vodka-redbull... and I think I was laughing so loud and talking so loud I popped my own ears... countless times... It's a clincher I swear... Besides making me laugh, he also kept asking me to raise my eyebrows individually one after the other... I'm like his human exhibit, sheesh! Plus we got over his fear of velvet HAHAHAHHAHAH so he would randomly touch the arm of my velvet jumper cuz he's got this thing about touching velvet; it makes him cringe... eheh so cute! And an old student was there and we were talking about a performance he did that I saw and I threw out a random terminology, and the crush goes 'Yeah Daphne knows everything, she knows her stuff'... not in a sarcastic way, but in a, again, matter-of-fact way... almost as if aiming to please... hmmm... cuz the first time we spoke was before an audition for Rhinoceros, and I enlightened him on e fact that Eugene Ionesco was a Frenchman who's currently dead, and not a student currently studying in Monash University, ahem... (that was a huge turn off initially, he lost like 25 brownie points) so yeap... That's my spiel for today... OH one more thing, he laughs like a muppet ehehehehehehheehehhehe in a good way... he's such a doll... I should really stop... the more I go the more intense I get... And it's seriously driving me nuts... Okie, I reckon anyone who normally reads this blog would have had a convulsive fit by now and wonder if some alien's actually usurped Daphne's body and is typing with her fingers... Well, you could be right, I wouldn't know, ain't in the right frame of mind to make any decisions, ha... I reckon when I read the stuff I typed, I would gag on my own... eeekiness... for lack of a better word, ahem... it's so... ditzy

But hell, everyday dog has its day, every ditz has hers too! To ditzes!!! CLINK!!
- dyseluxon, 7/10/2005 12:41:00 AM

Sunday, July 03, 2005
 
With nothing to do, I turn on the tv and flick it to ABC. News time. For the next 30mins, all I hear and see is the ugly side of human nature: destruction, desolation, apathy. Why do we still continue this age old war that's ceased to hold any meaning whatsoever? Can't the 'high standing intellectual' people see that nothing is being gained from this blind madness? On the bigger scale: war. On the smaller scale: racism. Or is it the other way round? Same difference.
If there wasn't war, I would be a much happier person, I really would. This isn't some Miss Universe 'world peace' mass declaration website. No one is judging me for what I put to this screen, least I didn't authorise anyone to. The lack of mass pointless suffering does point in the direction of mankind encompassing grace, and that reassures me that all will turn out okay. But that's not the situation around us today.

I closed my eyes, drew back the curtain
To see for certain what I thought I knew
Far far away, someone was weeping
But the world was sleeping
Any dream will do

And in the east, the dawn was breaking
And the world was waking
Any dream will do

May I return to the beginning
The light is dimming, and the dream is too
The world and I, we are still waiting
Still hesitating
Any dream will do

On a slightly lighter note (I hesitate to call this light... if anything, it's pathetic, that's what it is), James Taylor croons in my ear, and I feel his words reverberating like a prepubescent catholic schoolgirl's shrill shriek in my tiny palpitating heart.

Everyday it's getting closer
Going faster than a roller coaster
A love like yours would surely come my way

Everday seems a little faster
All my friends they say go on up and ask her
A love like yours would surely come my way

Everyday it seems a little stronger
Everyday it lasts a little longer
Come what may do you ever long for
True love from me
Like I long for you baby

Christian Bale is one helluva actor........ For a 6foot 3inch tall man to shed the kilos til he's standing at 55kg, with his vertebrae stabbing the person standing behind him and his rib cage looking like a lion's steel cage tipped on its side with a concave where his digestive system should be, is nothing short of dedication. Then pile on another 45kg in 6months and buff up like a Greek god craved from ivory. That's intense. I'm not totally a convert yet, but I'm getting there. I'm just one film short of being a full-blown Christian Bale convert. Step aside Edward Norton, I'm with Christian now. Sleep deprived hallucinatory walking skeletons and narcissistic mental cases. American Psycho, here I come.

*

Right, so on top of being melancholy and depressive, I am also obsessive, delusional, psychotic, and a stalker.
Man I'm gonna be such a hit with the boys.
- dyseluxon, 7/03/2005 01:45:00 AM

Saturday, June 25, 2005
 
I think I'm beginning to understand the desperation and fear that some people experience that drives them to do drastic and uncharacteristic things which irritate the people around them. I say 'I'm beginning' because I don't think I can say I fully grasp the concept and comprehend the thoughts that travel through their minds, but sitting at home on a Saturday night at 1144pm with nothing to do but sit in front of the computer, I think I could catch a wisp of that desperation of thought. I want to call someone but the frightened little naive child inside me is revolting profusely against it. Yet the me that's starting to break loose of the former shell wants to attempt to take a step forward in mild trepidation. The end result is a torn person who's very restless and dissatisfied.

I can give excuses and tell myself that I'm staying in to read, and conversely, reading does not open up my mind to larger issues outside of myself and take beyond my histrionism. In fact, it is in reading that I close in on myelf, on my thoughts and how they relate to my surroundings, and how everything that I'm feeling and thinking is magnified tenfold and presented to me in the landscape of my mind. It is impossible to be swept away by sheer words on a page, because those words conjure up an image that exists in the mind, your mind, and there is no way out from there.

I apologise if this sounds all wanky and self-indulgent, but then again, wait a minute, this is my blog, and I can jolly well indulge all I want and write whatever I please. I'm sick of always complying to other people's wishes, and compromising myself for the people around me. Sometimes, it would be nice to just melt away for a while, to reconfigure myself. Why do I have to do what society thinks is right, and I think is appropriate? I'm sick of myself, me and my rigidity. Society and people, I can shake free. It is myself that I can't shake free of, and that's what torments me the most. Why do I bother what I think of myself? I am constantly evolving and changing, be it for better or worse. But why do I still cling on to obsolete ideals that were set in the plaster of my mind ages ago? Back when things were simpler easier, and I was simpler and truer to myself.

I think I'm my greatest enemy. I'm my greatest stumbling block.
- dyseluxon, 6/25/2005 11:41:00 PM

Sunday, June 19, 2005
 
Would the world be a better place if we all gave in to our desires and feelings? Or does practising restrain make us better people? I, for one, have been practising restrain on myself that I fear I am about to burst wide open and pummel the world with my beating heart. Who create the social rules that we live by today? And why do we have to live by certain unspoken rules? What makes desire bad when technically, it should be a good thing? Does giving in to our desires make us weaker people? Are we made stronger by resisting our urges and placing ourselves on the other side of the river? What does distancing do to us, besides making us less connected as humans, and making us colder people. It's all a delicate balance, a fine line, and I don't think anyone in the whole course of history ever managed it well. We all either tether to the one or the other side. 'Tis human nature. We are imperfect, and any attempt at perfection only drives us further into imperfection. Nietzsche thinks so, and so do I.

You don't get angry do you?
In a recollection of memories, someone once said that to me in the not-too-distant past. And being the bathroom philosopher that I am, I discoursed with myself that there exist two kinds of people in the world: happy people, and unhappy people. And I being to the latter. Regardless of how people perceive me, or how I put up a front, I do think think that ultimately, (I think) I am intrinsically unhappy. Angry people are unhappy people and they blame others for their unhappiness. Sad people are unhappy people, and they blame their own inadequacies for their their own unhappiness. Ultimately, life to me is........... a quest for fulfilment. Fulfilment of my desires, and attaining answers to questions that plague me. Maybe it's not such a bad thing. Maybe I'm giving myself far too much credit than I deserve. Either way, it's dinner time, and I'm hungry. Hungry for food, thirsty for answers. But the latter's not gonna come to me is it?
Thought not.
- dyseluxon, 6/19/2005 05:30:00 PM

Thursday, June 09, 2005
 
Trust

How easy is it to destroy in an instant something that was built up over an extended period of time? It's a complex, ungraspable concept that plagues us all. In the span of one night, two people cheated on, four people people cheated themselves, and three people were accomplices to the cheats. How can I trust someone when I can't even find an example of trust in my life? How can I trust someone when I can't even trust myself to trust myself? It's scary when you witness, let alone participate in, the degradation of someone's worth in your eyes. Someone whom you held in regard, and seeing them tumble down from the pedestal you put them on. It shouldn't be a shocker; we are human after all, and humans are made to err, are we not? Yet it really shakes you up, and I find myself struggling to come to terms with myself; my place in the bigger plan of action; and the whole inevitability of things and the uncertainty in our lifes. Our life is not in our hands, we think it is, but it really isn't. Nothing is. It's all unreal, yet concrete.

It seems that in the moments when we are physically connected to the people around us, it feels like we're actually emotionally further away. How can you connect with people on a deeper level when you're all cramped together in a physical space? It's a whole concept that hasn't taken place in my mind.

This struggling... it's good, I guess. Helps me come to terms with myself and my surroundings. The world and its surprises. My life and its uncertainties.
- dyseluxon, 6/09/2005 08:59:00 PM

Saturday, June 04, 2005
 
Into The Woods

The prospect of sitting around on my bum for the next six weeks with no uni and no job, nothing to do aside from the weekly singing classes and weekly Friday morning rehearsals, going to the gym, reading and going out, has not set in yet. Rather, I am still caught up in the hustle of trying to finish (but of course, to finish one must start first, ahem) my last essay of the semester, getting mentally prepared for the last performance of the semester, and tying up loose ends on my unit enrolments and talking to a course advisor about it. When Monday morning finally hits, I shall feel the huge blanket of time settle itself over me, and then will I begin to grasp the concept. But in the meantime, a 1000-word critique on a previous performance based on Ovid's Metamorphoses awaits me in my lap, and Haruki Murakami takes a step back onto the bookshelf. The Parade script, sheet music and soundtrack sit anticipatingly on my desk, along with 'homework' on character.

I wish...
I wish...
I wish...

That I had a real role in a real production. And I was in on the loop on it all. Settling for less, I wish I had gotten a role in Student Theatre's The Rhinoceros, but I've still got a week to wish for that before I know for sure. Also, that I could just find out a bit more of the mysterious, yet mischievious Mr Mercury character who's so charming... and teasing. "Trouble trouble... I've heard about you..." What was that all about? Hmmm, we'll see. Isn't it true that we always crave for what we can't have, or don't have? And when we do get our hands on it, we start finding fault with it? Ah, the inconsistencies and fickleness of human nature. Sondheim told it well.

Agony!
Beyond power of speech,
When the one thing you want
Is the only thing out of your reach.

Agony!
Oh the torture they teach!
What's as intriguing-
Or half as fatiguing-
As what's out of reach?

Agony!
Misery!
Woe!
Though it's different for each.

Agony!
No frustration more keen,
When the one thing you want
Is a thing you've not even seen.

Agony!
Misery!
Woe!
Not to know what you miss.

What unmistakable agony!
Is the way always barred?

Meanwhile, I wish... you were here with me

Posted by Hello
- dyseluxon, 6/04/2005 01:02:00 PM

Saturday, May 28, 2005
 
Yet when you think about it, the transcendence of things doesn't matter much anymore, does it? Here. There. Now. Later. Soon. Never. What sets the one apart from the other? It's all merely nothing but a matter of perception and relativism. Yet it's the strings that run deeper under the layer of illusion that mean more than simply a good time out or being physically together. It's the vibes that transmit from one corner of the globe to the other, saying 'You matter to me', that mean so much more than the mere experience of feeling someone next to you. They could be hearing, but not listening. To truly listen, the ears do nothing, but the heart opens itself up and sheds its insecurities.

Like water from a tap, constantly dripping into an empty cup, my cup has overflowed with the accumulation of time, and things have changed. I cannot simply tolerate as I used to, and the blind eye has been lost. A loss of innocence perhaps? Or simply not being bothered anymore? When you push someone to their edge, either they rebound, or they fall. In my case, I am slowly and surely rebounding. The fragile balance has been upset and things simply cannot return to the way they were no matter how hard I try or pretend.

Trying, and tired of trying. I hope this winter goes well.
- dyseluxon, 5/28/2005 12:37:00 AM

Sunday, May 22, 2005
 
Is this yet another phase?
The need to discover. The need to explore. The need to be something more. To make a difference. To change myself and evolve, and to impact my surroundings.
I need something: vague concrete abstract immaterial visceral, I don't know. To fill the void within.

In the overbearing company I stand alone and distant, detached, from the familiar. There surfaces the strife to reach up and out of the stagnancy of the situation. Perhaps that is what rehearsing and performing do for me: they take my essence out of my being and I grow laterally, expanding into different facets of my humanity that I'm unable to reach on my own on a daily level. It allows the discovery of something other than myself.

The isolation is liberating, yet suffocating at the same time. Why do we conform to norms and bother what society thinks of us? Do each of us, ultimately, cave in to the sheep within us? Yet the thought of being a faceless person in the crowd is so terrifying I dare not even think of its plausibility.

Connection is what is lacking. The opening of the soul and the mingling of thoughts. Perhaps no one in this world could ever understand me better than I do. And I can't even begin to conceive an understanding of myself. The complexity of thought. The fickleness of the feelings. And the simple inconsistencies of being make it so inscrutible.

Perhaps tomorrow I shall look back and not understand a single world of what I just said. But til then, tis all valid and viable.

20th May
0014hrs
- dyseluxon, 5/22/2005 01:28:00 AM

Thursday, April 28, 2005
 
The one thing that makes me lose all sense of self-consciousness, and takes me to a higher subconscious plane and fills me to the brim with unconscious joy : Acting

In my reality, people do not die. Everyone stays at the age that I know them to be forever. Noone loses anyone to any sickness or unfortunate mishap. In my reality, my parents will live to see me find my special someone and get married, and walk me down the aisle, and witness my babies being born, and be nannies to Daphne Jr. and little Ryan. In my reality, Cezzane will stay old and grouchy, and Astro youthful and mischievous. I will graduate into the world of theatre and be able to get on by working on plays and schoolshows and maybe the occasional musical. I will never have to worry about money and bills, and everything that comes my way will be smoothsailing. No huge obstacles will I tumble over, and I'll lead a happy and slightly uneventful-eventful life.
The people that I met in the theatre while doing my one year stint in 2003 will remember me and love me, and I will have no troubles whatsoever fitting in with them. I will be as lucky as I was then, and manage to get jobs back to back, and never have to worry bout each job being my last. I will build up lasting contacts, and be able to ascend the actor hierarchy through whatever contacts I have accumulated in that one year. I'll be a good actress (I don't have to be fantastic, being good is good enough for me), and have some credibility.
My friends from tsd will all still love me and think I'm wonderful, and I will still find them just as amazing as they were when we slogged our asses off together in those (I could say) best two years of my life. We'll meet up often and still have mindless chatter and heapsload of fun, and we'll party just enough, and all be semi-successful people. We'll still share the same ideals we once had, and bond the way we used to. We'll look our for each other and know we can have each other to count on when shit happens.

That reality just came crashing down upon me.

I just received an email informing me that someone I look up to and learnt a lot from has just passed away this afternoon. It hit me like a brick. Without knowing why, I sobbed. But why? I barely knew him. I had only worked with him before once, even though I did learn a lot from him, and he was a dear old man, and we knew his time wasn't long. Yet the news shocked me. I guess it's the fact that it's someone I actually know and had a semblance of a relationship with that made me react the way I did.
Not that it isn't sad news, it is tremendously sad, for his friends and family, and a terrible loss for the theatre industry to lose a great mind, but life goes on, and when life goes on, it has to end somewhere.

Someday, I will learn to deal with greater issues in life, like death and the blatent injustice we inflict on one another.
Someday, Cezzane and Astro will pass on too, and that day isn't too far off.
Someday, my parents will pass on too, and that will hurt even more so, and will last longer than all grievances, and will affect me in ways I can only imagine.
Someday, I will come to pass too, and when that day comes, I hope that I will have made a positive impact in this world that I so cherish and the people who fill it.

But just for now, I am learning how to deal with the loss of my reality, and the bleakness of the world.

But until then,
For your great and vast mind that I cannot even begin to comprehend.
For leaving your footprints and wisdom in my heart and making me more than I think I am.
For reminding me that I, along with all others that I love, am merely human and fallible.
I salute you, Dr. Krishen Jit.
- dyseluxon, 4/28/2005 07:34:00 PM

Tuesday, April 26, 2005
 
I cannot help this ever growing feeling that I am not doing justice to this life that I've got in my hands.
I cannot help feeling that there're so many things out there that are perfect for me yet I just don't seem to find them.
I constantly do injustice to myself, physically, socially, and mentally.
It's this omnipresent feeling of being a leaf in the autumn breeze, drifting aimlessly til I hit the ground and end up amongst the pile of brown leaves, awaiting to be swept away into a dank big black bag.

Today during class, we were asked to talk about a certain place in our lives. I thought of the swing sitting in the corner of me front porch back home, and how I would always sit there on good days and read my book while swinging gently, with Astro or Cezzane next to me and wait for me daddy to come home from work. And I started to feel tears well up behind my lying eyes. I willed them back, and as perosn after person spoke of their special place, someone spoke of their home, someone spoke of how her artistic father built a home, and I started to cry. No, I bawled. Ashamed of my fragility, I excused myself to the washroom before anyone could see me cry. Is this a delayed 1 1/2 year reaction?? Am I homesick? I certainly think not. I have my elder brother with me, I am an easily adaptable creature, and I love my freedom. So why am I crying? This is all too soon to speak, but the morbidity of the human mind kicks in and plays a toll on the frailty of the mind. I am petrified of my parents. To be more exact, the thought of my parents passing on and leaving this realm makes me cry like a baby. I cannot accept the light of the situation and I dread the day when it will come to this. I need to accept reality and start living in the real world. I need to embrace Life and stop living in fear. Of death. Of rejection. Of loneliness. Of expectations. Of vulnerability. For it is through these that we can really and truly experience life, and without giving up these fears, I am not doing this life justice, I am holding back its prerogatives from it.

I had a big weekend, and it's set me thinking on what it means to be me, and what I'm doing. It's not all conscious thinking, but the feeling of unsettlement that constantly runs through my being and makes me emotional and doubtful of Who and What I am.

I need a sense of belonging. At the end of the day, we stand as individuals before our maker, and all that there is in this physical world crumbles to nothingness. Yet I feel the yearning inside me, that longs and craves for someone, something to belong to. I yearn for the feeling of giving myself wholly and utterly to that someone, and know that I will not be let down in any way. I seek peace, yet it evades me like the plague. Maybe I should find my inner peace before seeking for it outside of me. Maybe I've been looking in the wrong places. I need to trust, before Trust sheds its disguise from me. But til then, the void in me engulfs me, and I burn like an amber, in a downward spiral from grace.
- dyseluxon, 4/26/2005 10:54:00 PM

Thursday, April 14, 2005
 
How do you connect to your world?

We're all becoming increasingly connected by the advance of technology, yet the connundrum is that at the same time, we're getting emotionally distanced by this very advancement. Why do we need verbal and physical closure when they come at the expense of emotional resolve? And yet, with the world becoming increasingly smaller, our vision seems to get more myopic and clouded. Stereotypes still exist, and discrimination is rampant under the guise of tolerance.

Catholics don't use contraception.

The Jewish are stingy people.

Women can't drive.

Asians can't drive.

All Muslims are terrorists.

Gays are promiscuous and dykes ride bikes.

These totally biased and highly politically incorrect and extremely untrue stereotypes are staring us in the face and some people joke about them, yet the scary thing is that some people do believe in them, and that's what's so scary; that people are getting smarter, what with most people getting a university degree and all, yet their social exposure is close to zero. How emotionally and socially bankrupt are we as a race? Why are we tearing each other apart though we share the same soil and toil the same jobs?

The wogs, the poms, the frogs, the chinks.
Can't we put all that aside and just accept each other as part of humanity? Jokes are fine, it's good when we can laugh at ourselves share an emotionaly bonding across cultures, but it's the uncertainty of not knowing that makes us hold back the tiny bit that actually establishes a real relationship.

I want to connect to the people around me. I want the people I know to open up to me, yet I'm ot prepared to open up to them. It's selfish, but it's my defense mechanism. What I keep to myself can't hurt me. But at the same time, keeping it all in can't help me too. I need to get beyond myself, and into the world outside of me. There is more to my existence then my being.
I want to connect, yet be able to distance myself.
I want to open up, yet keep to myself.
I want security, yet freedom.
I want love, yet despair fills me constantly.
I want acceptance, yet isolation is comfort.
I want it all, yet nothing satisfies me.
I want to feel, yet the numbness is soothing.
I want to receive, yet giving frightens me.
I want to give without holding back, yet the vulnerability incurred deters me.

I need to start connecting to my world.
- dyseluxon, 4/14/2005 08:30:00 PM

 

  
 
   
 
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