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Thursday, September 01, 2005
To repeat for the third time today, 'I'm BACK!!!!'Yes, all that depression has been neatly folded and stack in the back of the wardrobe, waiting to surface again some time later on, further down the road, but for now, good ol' Daphne's back in action. Not to say that I don't still occasionally feel that odd bout of downness, but I'm keeping it all in check.Go Rhinoceros!Everyday we progress a bit further up that road to the peak, and everyday I'm having a bit more fun that the previous day. Very soon, this will all be over, to be precise, in 3 days, but right now, I'm basking in it. I love this. Performing, having fun. It's awesome.I'm gonna miss this, this hustle bustle, the purposefulness I have every day, in knowing that there's something to look forward to in the evenings. I don't wanna take a step back into the old routine of coming home and cooking dinner in a quiet flat. I wanna be in the theatre, waiting backstage; dancing to the french horn; whispering and mucking around in the dark; cracking obscene dirty jokes; talking about deep stuff; just chilling and having a lil chat and goss session in the dirt and grim; scooting off during the interval for a beer; smoking a joint in the fucking freezing rain; playing fun warmup games and feeling each others' energy; getting to know you; admiring talent when it's being put onstage; getting home and removing the mask of the show and feeling like I've done what I was destined to do today and going to bed feeling uselful. I don't wanna have to go back to drabness. But oh, such is the way things are. I can't wait to start getting real roles and doing real shows. But well, that's the way the cookie crumbles. Making a conscious effort to grab every moment by the balls and living it up. That's the way it should be done.
Sunday, August 28, 2005
I have reached a new low.What is with these obsessions? For the first time in my life, I'm actually pondering the possibility of manic depression. It sounds absurd. But then again, so is life.The past few days have been one hell of a roller coaster ride. Not by the hand of anyone or anything else, but by my own thoughts. I seem to have lost interest in the things that once ignited that spark in me. Nothing real seems to excite me anymore. The wildest fantasies make me crazy with passion, but they exist only in the land of my obsessions, and can never materialise. Yet these are the very things that fuel me with desire and drive me up the wall with intense desperation. I'm gradually losing interest in reality, and craving for my dreams to take place. And simply because these dreams are totally impossible, the knowledge of never attaining them makes me insanely upset. What is wrong with me? Where is my mind going? I crave something I know is out of my reach and totally not my cup of tea, yet why do I still want it? Just WHY am I fucking up my own mind?What is my existence, but an illusive hologram?I don't want to turn into a self-indulgent depressive freak who only thinks about her own problems. There are larger issues at hand. Yet I find myself turning more and more towards that path of indulgence. Someone seal off that pathway, it's not doing me any good. I need help.
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