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Saturday, October 01, 2005
If people would just respect themselves and watch themselves a little, then noone would have any reason to detest them, right?I seriously have no idea what people are thinking about sometimes, and this is ironic coming from a girl who woke up at 715am and for some reason thought the clock read 515 even though she DID see 715, and sat staring at the clock for a full 20secs wondering why the clock seemed so odd. Not to mention that it was 715 in the morning, and she thought it was 515 at the evening, and panicked cuz she thought she would miss her audition. Not to forget that she thought her phone was screwed up on daylight savings or something cuz it read 0715hrs, when she thought it should have been 1915hrs. Upon discovering it was really 715, she then proceeded to panic about having already missed her audition, and having only 45mins to bathe, drive, make-up, and donn on her costume for Parade. Then she wondered as to why the Parade stagemanagers did not call her to enquire as to her whereabouts, and so she proceeded to call one of them, who was her good friend, to ask for the time. The phone rang four times before the realisation slowwwwly crept in that it was really morning, and she was in fact, very early for both her audition, and for Parade. Hence, she went back to sleep.That was a seriously creepy 5mins in my life, when I was totally out of it, and I was totally tripping. Who needs weed and cocaine when you've got a mind that toys with you like that? I scare myself silly sometimes.While we're on that topic, I find that I don't know myself anymore. Well, I do, but I'm slowly but steadily letting out my inner demon. I'm slowly morphing into this self-indulgent, antagonist, unforgiving sprite, and it troubles me. The past few days, I've been a monster, and I just don't know where I'm mentally at anymore. I don't want to be this ugly person who snarls and spits and curses and condemns. It's fun, for a while, it's cathartic, it lets me release all the pent up frustration, but after a few days, it starts to get me down, and I start feeling like this huge ugly monster that's trundling down the path, crushing the daffodils underfoot. I think I lack direction, and I seriously need to start finding it. I could blame it all on the stress of production, but I know that's not it. It may be a contributing factor, but it's not the main reason. I'm the main reason. Even just looking back at the recent posts, it's so glaringly obvious that they're so indulgent and self-centered and simply ugly. It's disheartening. I'm becoming like the people around me, incessantly bitching and gossiping, and I don't want that. Not that I think they're not nice people, oh no, they're lovely people, but I just don't want to bitch about others because I don't see the point in doing so. Live and let live. You'll have less things to worry about that way, and you get better karma. Lead me back the right way.I started off wanting to have a lil bitch about the disgusting guy who keeps screwing up every single run of Parade, but ended up with a little conclusive discourse of myself. I like that, it shows I'm still capable of letting go and being a bigger person. I've still got it in me. I can do it.
Thursday, September 29, 2005
I don't think I'm a very nice person anymore. I think bad thoughts when I shouldn't, and when everyone else is around me has nasty sentiments regarding something and I share it, I actively portray my nastiness.
I was so close to picking a fight with a cast member today after our final dress run. Not because I'm a bitch or he's a dickhead, which he is, but simply cuz, well... he's a total dickhead.
I gaining a bit of a nasty streak. And the worst thing is, I like indulging it. I like being nasty to nasty people. Which shouldn't be the way. But sometimes they really have it coming.
I'm wayyyyy past the stage of feeling sorry for him, I've reached the 'just stay the fuck away from me and I'll pretend you don't exist, but if you disagree with me or even think about touching me I will so give you a roundhouse in the testicles' stage.
I gave him the attitude today, in front of the full cast, and I refused to hi-five him when we were going down the line hi-fiving everyone. I don't fucking give a damn. He's repulsive, and that's that. We've got two people standing at the top of a structure that is bloody wobbly and the prospect of falling is so high, and you say stupid things like 'it's gotta shake to look believeable'... like seriously, what the fuck are you doing in performing arts? Fucking think mate, Acting = Pretending. Dickhead. If anything is priority number one, that's 'Health and Safety', fuckwit.
That aside, Parade goes on tomorrow. It's been an awesome 4months of rehearsals, tedious at times, but it's all gonna be worth it, it's gonna be a fucking amazing show, and I'm not gonna let any halffuck ruin it. I will make sure everything runs smoothly, and people don't jeopardize the show, or else I swear I will crack it. I don't feel the emotion anymore, it's gone on too long and I'm kinda sick of it ehehe but I do know that I haven't gone thru this much to let this show be a let down. It's going to be amazing. Simply because it's a wonderfully beautiful story, and we owe it to the script and the real people who suffered the injustices nearly a century ago.
And I've got an audition on Friday that I really wanna make an impression in. But I haven't even chosen my monologue. Not to mention that it's Shakespeare, gulp.
But all's good. It's back to uni after this weekend, and essays galore. Back to drudgery. Unless I get into the productions, which will be awesome. But til then.
But all else aside, I'm still relatively happy.
Sunday, September 25, 2005
I am in love right now.With the beautiful people around me, with the wonderful workings of the world.You throw out shit, the shit comes back round to you threefold. Throw out shinnies, and the shinnies come back threefold. Although half the time, 90% of the world is throwing out shit at each other, and more often than not, the shinnies that come back to you are covered in shit. But hey, it's worth it, isn't it? If you don't try and make a difference, and everyone thinks the same way, noone's gonna get any shinnies simply cuz they ain't coming round.I can't wait for Parade to open. It's a beautiful show, and it's wonderfully moving and heartfelt. I can't wait for Friday to come, I wonder what's gonna happen. I can't wait to see Mr N.G again, after so long. I can't wait for the feelings and thoughts that cross my mind cuz I wanna know what the sight of him is gonna rekindle in me, or confirm in me, or strike out in me. I can't wait for all the auditions to be over cuz I wanna know if I'll be staying the summer.I can't wait for one particular audition to be over, cuz I really wanna know if I'll get into it.I can't wait, for the shinnies to hit me.I'm just high, on Life.
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