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Tuesday, September 13, 2005
"The imaginative artist willy-nilly influences his time. If he understands his responsibility and acts on it - taking the art seriously always, himself never - he can make a contribution equal to, if different from, that of the scientist, the politician, and the jurist."
- Herman Wouk, Pulitzer Prize-winning American authorThat's me alright, taking my art seriously(least, I hope it seems so), and never taking myself seriously. Life's too short, learn to laugh at yourself a little. I do, and sometimes, cry a little, because there's just too much sorrow and beauty in this world. To not feel the world you live in would be a horrible injustice to living.I would love to make a difference, to influence and affect the people around me; the world I live in. Even so, I accept that I am merely mortal, and one of a million gazillion people in this world, each unique in their own ways. Some more talented then others, and a handful are simply amazing to be around.
Monday, September 12, 2005
Knowing is better than wondering.Yet how else can I go about trying to know, when I've already posed the question and have gotten a silence as my answer? Does this mean I've already done my part and can therefore say 'I did all that I could and it's now not up to me anymore, I'm merely a pawn that's all part of the larger picture'? Or do I push on and burrow for my answer? Even though that's almost equivalent to unearthing the very ground I stand upon? The stakes are just too big. I can't do it. I've tried, and I've neither succeeded nor failed. It's been an unsatisfactory non-plussed lack of answer. I hate this feeling of being suspended in the middle of nowhere. Makes me vulnerable and helpless.
Sunday, September 11, 2005
When things don't go your way, and you end up sulking and thinking about how wonderful it would be if things turned out the way you wanted them to, only to experience a sudden totally unexpected turn of events which make you think how wonderful it is that things didn't go your way in the first place. Especially when the people in question who turn up unexpectedly are the people whom you care about, and it makes you happy to make them happy. I was sitting at home at midnight, on a Saturday, gently and quietly brewing nasty thoughts in the back of my head because a certain someone didn't reply to my sms, and I wanted to put a hex on him, and other certain people were busy and I wanted to boycott them from my life, and I just couldn't be bothered with anyone else and decided to put on some Michael Buble and get started on sewing that dreaded costume of mine for Parade just to busy my hands with something and get my mind off all depressing stuff, when the phone rang, and my first instinctual thought was: 'Sheesh! Who could be calling at this hour?'
However, noone ever calls my home phone, except people who do market surveys and they never call at midnight, and the only other people who call at the most inappropriate times are the parents. And lo and behold, 'twas them on the other line.They were just as surprised to find me at home, as I was at them calling at such a crazy hour. Easy for them, it's 10pm there, but midnight here! But one could hear the satisfaction in their voice, the tenderness and loving ache their voice held, simply because the fact that I was at home at midnight on a Saturday meant that I wasn't **quote** 'out gallivanting' **unquote**What a word, 'gallivanting'. Makes me sound like some ill-tempered ill-natured knight with an ill-gotten agenda from the dark ages. Anyhow, the fact that I didn't get what I want on a Saturday night, and hence I made my parents happy and I got started on my costume, made me realise how the Lord works in such mysterious ways. I felt really glad and satisfied when I went to bed, thinking on the fact that I could reinforce my parents' faith in me, and to lay their doubts of me just partying and not studying or doing some work to rest. I find that as I get older, I really want my parents' approval, not just in the things I do, but I want them to trust me and be happy, and to know that I know my limits and can take care of myself. I want to make them proud of me. I want them to cease worrying about me. I want them to be at peace and happy.
But of course, not at the cost of my agony. But ah... I feel like such a good daughter.
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