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Sunday, December 19, 2004
Notes from the Lilac Book
13th December
Sometimes words just don't express enough do they? No, they don't.
Perhaps silence speaks for itself.
Why do we even need the word 'silence' to describe the indescribable? Ironic ain't it?
Verbal Diarrhoea is shit.
Sorry, my eloquence has deserted me.
- Smitten, David Fuhrmann-Lim
"... very enthusiastic and dedicated, but not a very good stage actor..."
Will that be my epitaph?
17th December
How do you handle the responsibility where everything you say or do affects the people around you and the rest of the world?
It's all too much for me to handle.
But life moves on: life ends; and life begins, but Life goes on. You're just caught in it and swept up in the torrents of it, helpless and foundering. Only thing you can do is to try to learn and deal with it.
But why are we given this immense responsibility?
I'm just a girl in the world
- Just A Girl, No Doubt
What was this festival? What was this grand everlasting pageant to which there was no end, to which he had always, from his earliest childhood, been drawn and in which he could never take place? Every morning the same bright sun rises, every morning the same rainbow in the waterfall, every evening that highest snow mountain glows, with a flush of purple against the distant sky, every 'little fly that buzzes about him in the hot sunshine has its part in the chorus; knows its place, loves it and is happy.' Every blade of grass grows and is happy! Everything has its path, and everything knows its path, and with a song goes forth, and with a song returns. Only he knows nothing, and understands nothing, neither men nor sounds; he is outside it all, and an outcast.
- The Idiot, Fyodor Dostoevsky
It's all too much for me to handle.
18th December
How do you erase bits of your past that keep catching up with you? Every corner you turn; every conversation you have; everything thing you see... You can't let go, you never can... It's what they call 'emotional baggage' I guess, when you past catches up with you and won't leave you alone.
The whole beauty of theatre is that magic What If, where you leave your baggage in the wings and enter the fictitious world of someone else, where nothing matters because that's what it all is: fiction. For that brief moment in your life, as opposed to the rest of your life, you cease to exist, and your worries float away and nothing is of consequence. How perfect. And Stevie interjects in the background:
Like a fool I went and stayed too long
Now I'm wondering if your love's still strong
Ooh baby here I am
Signed sealed delivered I'm yours
And that time I went and said goodbye
Now I'm back and not ashamed to cry
Ooh baby here I am
Signed sealed delivered I'm yours
As opposed to being backstage, all in blacks, in the pitch darkness. You're left to spectate on the world that's being created before you, and you can do nothing but wonder... about you, about them, about what could have been you, and what was you...
It's all a saying, 'Ceteris Paribus'.
Because nothing ever stays the same, no matter how hard you try.
Monday, December 13, 2004
'Almost. It's the saddest word in the English language.'
- Smitten, David Furhmann-Lim
It's petrifying when you know you're standing at Death's door, yet you can't let go of Life's lifeline and step over the threshold into Eternity.
How does one feel when one knows they're dying, and that it's only a matter of time? You know there's eternal bliss awaiting you on the other side of the door, yet all that you care for lies behind you and tugs at your with all its might. It's more than a catch22 isn't it? It's definitely a hell lot heavier than a chicken-and-egg situation.
To make matters more complex, you have absolutely no idea what's wrong with you. Your body is failing you and you have no idea why. The one thing you can be sure of, and you're not sure anymore.
What would I do if I were in that situation?? I honestly have no idea. For one, I wouldn't have the strength and courage to live on. I can't even be strong for the people I love. How can I expect to be strong for myself? Don't miracles exist anymore? There was a period of time when it seemed as if they were beginning to get back in the trend. Apparently not. It's all downhill from here. I can only look on.
They do say the sky is the darkest before the dawn.
But what if you don't live to see the dawn?
I'll be your wild flower
Grown through the concrete
You're just a stupid guy,
Crushed like a butterfly
Dead-eyed at the drive-by
- Untitled, Suede
What does one do to deserve the suffering one doesn't deserve? It's not up to me to decide who deserves what, but I do know this much, Just let the pain end, please. It's the things we're not aware of that scare us the most.
To the one I love that loves Him so
I can see me loving nobody but you for all my life
When you're with me baby the skies will be blue for all my lfe
Me and you
And you and me
No matter how they toss the dice
It had to be the only one for me is you
So happy together
- So Happy Together, The Beatles
It all hasn't sunk in yet... Maybe I'm hoping for a miracle; maybe I'm still holding on to the past; maybe I haven't seen enough of reality to believe; maybe I just don't wanna believe it; maybe the truth's too hard for me to accept.
Or maybe I know what's awaiting.
Either way, prepare my heart.
Friday, December 10, 2004
Chapter 20.1
What is this I'm lacking?
Direction.
What else?
Determination.
I need to stop doubting myself and start believing. Stop settling for whatever comes my way and start being specific and strict with what I want.
I need to believe that I am worth it.
I need to believe that I can do it.
I need to believe that I am special.
Above all, I need to believe that there is a certain role in the cosmos for me to fill that noone else can.
I say, 'Don't you know?'
You say, 'You don't know.'
I say, 'Take me out.'
- Take Me Out, Franz Ferdinand
But how do you narrow down your prospects when you don't even have a clue as to what you want?
I am not content with merely being part of the puzzle. I want to be a prominant center piece. I need to feel my worth. Don't be mistaken, it's not histrionism. I just need assurance. Don't we all? I just choose to seek it on the road less travelled.
But it seems that even the path's too narrow for my baggage, and fraught with left-overs from the previous seekers that it's become an obstacle for me. I want to thrash on, yet I'm afraid I might be disappointed at the end. But I've gone too far to turn back. Or have I? I need a sign, a guiding light, a friendly face, someone to hold my hand and walk with me when it gets tedious and rocky.
Or maybe I'm just not looking in the right places for the signs.
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
Left and Right. Right and Wrong.
Black and White aren't like the other colours: Blue, Red, Yellow, Green. In fact, they aren't even colours; they're shades. Extreme shades of grey. Varying shades of Black and White. Each one a little more different from the other. symbolism. red rage. blue sad. yellow happy. green nature. blue purple royalty. green envy. yellow optimism. pink femine. hot pink funky. rainbow gay. neon radical.
White Christmas. Black Death.
It's always the same with these two.
Such vivid imagery.
Such immediate connection between ideas and their respective representative shades of grey.
So is Right and Wrong a case of Left and Right? Or is it more in sync with White and Black? Can we settle in the middle? Make do with infinite shades of grey? Or is there a middle? Is it just White, or Black?
'Without a simple goodbye it all goes by so fast
Gonna open my eyes and see for the first time
For no reason why, I can't cry hard enough'
- 'Can't Cry Hard Enough', The Williams Brothers
Monday, December 06, 2004
Another of Life's everyday dilemmas
Wouldn't it be great if there were no right or wrong? Where there isn't a certain set of guidelines that dictates how we should live and act?
What makes a certain action right or wrong? The mass approval of society? The wind of change of contemporary culture? Or the invisible parent that sets down Life's little rules from time immemorial?
Which is worse?
To deviate and indulge under the judging eyes of the world, or to appear upright and proper yet sin in the mind?
As how we should embrace another's culture and ways and not judge others based on our own background, shouldn't we also tolerate and welcome change and differences? Why then does one generation judge the other based on times that don't exist anymore? Are there certain things that shouldn't change as the world evolves? Or is all subject to contemporary ways and increasing changes?
Thursday, November 25, 2004
Why do we judge??
2 guys having coffee who seem close - queer
short skirt - skank
thick make-up - vainpot
being more liberal minded - cheap
staying out late - of questionable character
Why do we draw such assumptions bsed on nothing but pure conjecture and biasedness? Is it fair to the person we're making preconceptions about? Do we even know these people? Whgat places us on a pedestal looking down on them and making groundless unpleasant speculations?
I'm sick of this.
Just leave me be. This is my world too. And most of all, my life, and I live it however I deem fit. Fuck baseless presumptions and judgemental minds, this world does not owe anyone anything and people should learn to accept and love each other as they are. Why then did racial riots come about? And unjustified war? Racism War Elitism Apartheid Colonialism. Why do we not see our folly and error in judgement and actions??
It's no use judging a book by its cover, you'll never uncover its treasures, and even if the book's crap, least you'll have learnt something about crap from it.
No one is completely useless. They can always serve as a bad example.
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
We are human resources, you and me. Each one but for the use of another.
Have you ever wondered how people think of you? How they remember you by? What sets you apart from the crowd?
Everyone's got something or someone to call their own, and I've got nothing. Except for my foolish pride, and that's not even genuine. An identity, an idea, a reference to someone or something important in their lives that acts as a benchmark for them, which sets them apart from everyone else and makes them special. Me? I've got nothing. It's not the peer pressure, Hell no. Neither is it conformity and societal norms. It's my own need to fill the void in me, and this desperation fuels me with banal and ridiculous thoughts that I actually entertain, and chide myself for afterwards.
I could give and give, but there is only so much this vessel can handle without falling apart.
I could take and take, but where would that get me? Life's about finding the balance, balancing the yin and yang, the good and bad. And I haven't found my redeeming half of the equation.
I don't want to be the vessel that merely contains, nor the fountain that overflows; I want to be the water that flows from fountain to vessel and be one with it to experience and take on various outlooks and ideas. Instead, I find myself the pool of excess at the foot of the vessel. Unsure, unspectacular, unwanted and unidentified. Where does that leave this pool of water?
I have run I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
Only to be with you
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone
You broke the bonds
You loosened the chains
You carried the cross
And my shame
And my shame
You know I believed it
But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for
But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for
~ I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For, U2
Eb major - you are warm and kind, always there for
your friends, who are in turn there for you.
You are content with your confortable life and
what you are currently achieving; if you keep
in this state you will go far.
what key signature are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
But why then do I feel this void?
This world is too big for me; I need someplace small. Warm. Familiar. Welcoming.
Somewhere overwhelmingly claustrophobic yet comfortable and secure.
Somewhere I know I am truly and deeply appreciated.
Somewhere where dreams do materialise into reality.
Somewhere where I feel needed.
Somewhere.
Monday, November 22, 2004
How do we ever know for certain when we are certain? As Rene DesCartes said, I think, therefore I am. But when the issue in question isn't about being, but about knowing, how then, can we draw the equation?
Nothing is for sure: relationships, dynamics, ideas, setups, systems, the works... We ought to have learnt something from the rise and fall of the dynasties of ancient civilisations, and the makes and breaks of relationships between people.
We can never know for sure who'll be there when we need somebody, and who might appear when we least expect it. "If we have no expectations, everything would be good". Now isn't that true? You never know what you can count on.
It's time to disentangle and start anew.
Sunday, November 14, 2004
Musings from the runway
How do you decide what to pack for 3 months away from your residence of the past year? What bits of clothing to bring? Which accessories you'll wear? Which bags you'll use? How do you choose which parts of your life to pack up with you and journey thousands of miles away and pick up where you left off? How do you decide which bits of you stay on and linger til you return 3 months later and tie up the ends?
How do we do it? Another place; another time. How does that work? It's amazing, the pieces we pick up and leave behind. It's almost like an incomplete jigsaw puzzle of Life. Ever-changing, pieces found; pieces lost; never to be completed. I myself am but a little insignificant yet crucial piece of Life's wondrous tessallation.
There's always this little nagging doubt, whether you've packed all the stuff you need, and you keep double checking and re-confirming you haven't left anything behind.
Packing is never complete. You leave pieces of you behind that you can never pick up. The bits of you linger on, and you grow smaller as the years pass. It comes to pass that we can sustain ourselves no longer, with our baggages and the ever receding consciousness. We fade into nothing, as all things do.
-Quote of the Day-
The ineluctable modality of the visible
- courtesy of Galy Gay
Saturday, November 13, 2004
All good things in a roll
'u are quite attractive in a fatalistic fashion
firstly
u are attractive
but not in an ordinary manner
the way u talk, the sudden spasms (in the good way), the abrupt flow of emotions, the romantic artist's quality
all contributing factors i suppose
though u are a very good writer'
u really think im a good writer???
y??
how??
when??
where??
'u are quite good on collecting emotions in a stream of consciousness fashion, yet u dun dwell on a personal level
u try to relate to the higher level and question existence, faith and other matters.
rather touching
and rather honest as well
which i like very much
mentioning the guy u like all the time isn't nice though'
this is e FIRST time im mentioning e guy i lke so much eheheh
usually i kinda euphemise it ehehehehe
im just LETTING myself obsess this time eheeh
'its just a by statement
u can obsess. u need some destress at times
but all in all, a cool writer and a lovely girl
i need to pee'
I almost feel like I'm being cannonized... Thanks mate, for being such a sweet and supportive friend... though sometimes brutally honest... which is good, I need the reality check at times ehehh You should know, you're very much a stimulant to my thoughts; your melancholy and occasional inappropriate abrupt humour... inspiration comes from all sorts of places, and you're one of those dank places eheh But in all, you are amazing, keep that in mind yeah? The world is our oyster, and we have yet to reap the potential she holds within her.
It's ironic how the one line from Sinatra that sticks to my head sings "Weather wise, it's such a perfect day" when I've been driving in the pouring rain for the past few days. It's supposedly spring, yet these days have been nothing but dark and wet. Coupled with the occasional half an hour of sunshine in the morning, and blue sky. Otherwise, it's dreary and dank.
Drove past an accident site. The red convert was smashed into a lamp post, and oddly enough, the car was facing the opposite direction it should have been facing. Weird. I felt a wave of depression rush over me. How can life be so ephemeral, yet we as humans don't comprehend this? How do we think we're capable of living forever, when life's essence can be snatched from under our breath just like that? It's terrifying. The thought of actually being in an accident actually thrilled me. Just think, how must it be like, sitting/lying caught between metal, immobile, helpless. It's a whole different level of ecstatism. It's on the other end of the spectrum from nirvana. Think how it must be like. It calls out to me. Excites me and thrills me, yet holds me in fear and apprehension all at the same time.
It's almost........ suicidal... I know. But hell, we're all gonna die one day. What matters when? Or how? So long as I don't drown or get burnt to a crisp I'm content. Only 10% of the world's population die in their sleep. I reckon I'm not going to be in the lucky ten. The rise of technology came with the decline of man.
Friday, November 12, 2004
Life is horribly ironic.
Once again, I am shown the might of his power, and how stunningly amazing He is. It is all at once terrifyingly humbling yet wonderfully uplifting at the same time. Ever wondered why there isn't a law that states the opposite of Murphy's Law? 'That whatever can go right, will go right'? That's because it's called the Lord's will. True enough, I have seen how stunningly He does things, and the complexities in His works.
Never thought I'd ever see Andrew again til next year, and was horribly horribly upset and distraught about it. I had psychoed myself to the extent where I either get all ecstatic and melt into a puddle at his feet, or I see him and realise I'm getting over him. Don't ask me how my mind works, I wonder too.
Wasn't supposed to do foh for today's show, but since they rescheduled their run cuz of an accident, I wasn't able to do the original foh date cuz everything was pushed back and I'd have left town by then. So instead I had to do foh today, which I wasn't too keen on, and almost contemplated calling in 'sick'. But my sense of responsibility and duty got the better of me, and I thought 'Hell, just do it Daphne. You said you would, and it's not a reponsible thing to back out at this late and you get to watch the show free anyway.'
So when I got to the building and was about to walk in I saw a figure standing near the door looking at me, but I couldn't see too clearly through the tinted glass. I open the door, walk in, and who do I see but Andrew and Pru, two thirds of our composing bunch for Vinegar Tom. They were doing some concert for their music course too, and apparently they weren't supposed to be there, and only found out an hour before that.
And so it came to pass that I actually did catch a glimpse of Andrew, so much sooner than I'd thought. And I realised that I still have a helluva soft spot for him, but I've reached the stage in my self-psychosis where I believe that things'll never work out between us.
How Amazing Is That?
I was at the stage of hallucinating things.
Walking past Harry's Bar in the city and seeing a small-built dark haired guy talking to some big guy outside it made me wish the small dark haired guy was Andrew and I could act all surprised and strike up conversation with him on how coincidental it was that I'd run into him in the city, or all places, and he give him my number and saying we should catch up some time and he would call me out for coffee or something and we'd share some deep connection.
All this in that split second of walking past the windows of Harry's Bar in some dodgy side lane.
And to think in the same evening the Lord had conjured up some highly complex plan to make me run into Andrew and realise my obsession with him, and that this obsession was not going to end up anywhere.
How Amazing Is That?
Despite all these, I am still the hard-headed fool I am. Chances are I'm meeting my friends tomorrow night, either to go to Lunapark or for a nice dinner along St Kilda. There's a slight chance we might catch the other cast in the show in uni. There's an even smaller chance that we might run into Andrew if we do go catch the show. I'm still hanging onto that thin red thread which keeps disappearing out of sight, and is way far out of reach. But hey, it doesn't hurt to dream does it? We need a break from disillusionment every once in a while. So let me dream on, and let things unfold as they deem fit.
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
Regrets, I've had a few
But then again, too few to mention
I did what I had to do
I saw it through without exemption
I planned each chartered course
Each careful step on the byway
But why can't I stand and proclaim like Frankie?
I did it my way
No, I can't
And to think, that a mere week ago we were the ones previewing, anxious over our cozzies and screwing up our lines and messing up the songs... That's all over and behind us now, and there is nothing to look forward to... It's ironic how you have so much to do when you're in a mood for idleness, and how much time for idleness you have when you plan to get out and do something yet have noone to get out with.
One hour ago I hastily scribbled down the last academic words I'll ever write in this year
One week ago I was seated in the green room, chilling, waiting patiently for our preview to begin, looking around idly, hoping to catch a glance of Andrew...
How much of that would I never go through again? And how much of that would I experience again; maybe once more, maybe a few more times, maybe countless more times?
Why do we have expectations only to be let down? Wouldn't we do so much better on the whole without expectations and assumptions? How about fear? Cowardice? What's the difference?
What would I do if I didn't fear??
I wouldn't be me
Monday, November 08, 2004
so speak to me please, the way I want you to...
... and tell me what I need to hear before I fall away
You know I, I been searching for an easy way
To escape the cold light of day
I been high and I been low
But I got nowhere else to go
There's nowhere else to go
And I followed orders
God knows where I been
But I woke up alone
All my wounds were clean
I'm still here
I'm still a fool for the holy grail
Oh yeah I'm a fool for the holy grail
~ Holy Grail, Hunters and Collectors
he showed up all wet
on the rainy front step
wearing shrapnel in his skin
and the war he saw
lives inside him still
it's so hard to be gentle and warm
oh so you look at me
from across the room
you're wearing your anguish again
believe i know the feeling
it sucks you into the jaws of anger
oh, so breathe a little more deeply my love
i don't want to wait
for our lives to be over
i want to know right now
what will it be
i don't want to wait
for our lives to be over
wil it be yes or will it be
sorry
so open up your morning light
and say a little prayer for I
you know that if we are to stay alive
and see the peace in every I
~ I dont want to wait, Paula Cole
there's nothing left to say now,
nothing left to do.
and the words that once left my lips,
they weren't for me to call my own.
so let me in on the trappings of the world,
before i cheat myself
and let the feelings within die on me.
don't let that be
We were foolish beings
But we were dying like flies
And those big black birds, they were circling in the sky
And you know what they say, yeah, nobody deserves to die
Sunday, November 07, 2004
and so all things come to an end...
and it sets in, that little tinge of the blues... as i step through the doorway into an empty hall at 340am in the morning, knowing that i don't have to rush off to sleep as there is not going to be a show the next day. It's funny how we always get to know people better and have a chance to have fun with them only at the lastest possible opportunities. It is only after the after-party that I begin to find myself rather comfortable with my cast members. How ironic, considering we don't have to see each other day in and day out anymore. I'll only see them once more, for our drama exam, before I fly on home for a good long three months. So much can change then, so much can be forgotten then. And the post production blues sets in, the feeling of emptiness, of limbo, permeates my being as I think on the free days ahead. The lack of meaning and purposeness. This play was what I lived for for the past few months, and now it's gone. I'll get used to it and get over it, I know... but just for now, there's this void in me which yearns out for something. Im going home in seven days, somehow I'm not that excited... I just wanted this night to never end: from the adrenaline before the show of knowing this was the last time we were going to perform the show; to the rushed scribblings of sweet letters to each other, to the lack of focus in the show cuz of the excitement, to the uncontrolled rapture at closing our run, to the tedious bump out, to the after party... let it all not end. And yet as I sit here, thinking back on the night's events, I can't help but feel the fragility and ephemeral nature of the nature of work I'm in. I will always, always, always experience this feeling of emptiness. It comes with the job description.
For the benefit of those of you who're wondering, no, I didn't have the guts to get Andrew's number. I don't think I'll ever see him again, even though we're in the same uni and in the same building, please understand, the music half of the building is foreign territory to drama students, and vice versa, although the music auditorium and our drama theatre and rehearsal room share a common foyer, nodrama student goes to the music side of the foyer for no reason, and vice versa. The foyer is the one and only thing we share. Nothing else. They hate us, we detest them. Anyhow, I shan't see him at least for the next three months, so I should be back to normal by then, and he shall just be another muso that I know... I hope... Either way, we wouldn't look good together, so there. It will have been doomed from the start had it started. Another one of Daphne's non-realistic fantasy relationships. But I still wanna get to know him, as a person, because he does intrigue me as a person; he is the only person I've come across who likes the same kind of music I do. Is what I'm asking for too much? But like I said, move on and move out, there's no time for us to stand and stare, nothing comes of it.
And life returns to normal. But I don't want it to be normal. I want it to be spectacular. So help me God.
Friday, November 05, 2004
a little act or gesture can mean so much, like the ripple effect in a still pond, spreading outwards in ever largening concentric circles. and it's amazing how another tiny act can serve to neutralise all negative effects of the previous ripple, almost like a charitible act towards a starving person.
I am not in rapture, there is nothing to be elated about.
I am not upset, nothing has caused sorrow to me.
I am merely content, and that is enough.
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
to sit in the semi-darkness and watch everything fall into place, the lights and sound, coming together and everything in its' rightful place and position, enhancing and complementing each other........ the final full-dress run is always the most thrilling.
as i sit on the balcony during the preset, watching the lights, feeling the mood and atmosphere, getting into the pace, a mixture of adrenaline, urgency and serenity washes over me, and i feel at one with the set, yet apart from it, watching...... it's beautiful, this feeling, where everything starts to make sense, and the theatre works its magic. i love the stage, it is this that i live for.
nothing matters in the things that we do, it is in how we do it that counts. reason and rhyme are dropped for aesthetics and functionality. the I ceases, and becomes Us... the Why vaporises, and becomes If...
...
the other If sets in... If only I had... but it's too late now, not now, no no
Monday, October 25, 2004
I'm not being morbid, but the truth is that anyday, anytime, anyhow, someone close to us that we love could have their life suddenly taken from them. Just like that. No warning, no preparation, no vague sign. Why do I cry so? Why do I let the littlest things affect me so emotionally?? Because I'm weak? Because I wear my heart on my sleeve? Because I'm just plain naturally emotional? Because I actually do sense some vague ephemeral quality to our fragile lives.
How does one try to keep a strong front when they're crumbling to bits inside? I admire people who can do that, who try to be strong for the people they love. But I just cant do it, no matter how hard I try. It's just a reflex mechanism in me to drop tears. And I hate it. I hate that I can't be strong when I need to be. It's not fair. Why should others be strong for me when I can't even be strong for them? It's a cruel world.
And to think all this was inspired but Sex and the City.
The truth? I like the sadness that infiltrates our everyday life. It's like some perverse form of masochism, but I actually do enjoy being in grief, a little. It just makes me seem... more human. I've never felt intense love, nor hatred, so the closest I can come to is grief. What did I do the last time I was genuinely touched? I cried. That sure says a lot, doesn't it?
I hate soppy fairy tale-ish movies. Why? Cuz I don't believe that's real. It's too perfect to exist, life just isn't that pretty. So I choose to indulge in arthouse films, least the contentment that they speak of is of a more accessible level, albeit more abstract(when they actually do speak of contentment, that is. They're usually morbid and depressing, which is a far more accurate depiction of life).
Do don't blame me for being morbid or over emotive, I try, I really do. Things just don't turn out as we would like them to.
On a different thought...
Oh to feel the sting of my hand across his cheek
'Very lucky meh? Getting a brand new car?'
'What's so exciting bout getting a new car?'
'No, 30grand isn't a lot of money what.'
'Forgetting is not good enough.'
'Yah but I have money what, so?'
How, how, HOW the fuck am I supposed to put up with such pompousness for another 6 months? I absolutely fucking hate our conversations; they're all so fucking shallow. It's all about what this friend said about how frivolously he spends his money and how he doesn't agree and thinks that that friend is more frivolous than him. Can't you see? It's NOT about money!!! When will you fucking grow up? You are one of the lucky few brats who NEVER had to worry about money and survival. The opportunity to worry doesn't even remotely arise. Yet you don't appreciate it. You treat it like your fucking birthright. When one door closes someone opens another for you, and you complain they didn't open the door quicker or that the doorway is dirty. Fuck your closemindedness and your superficial wants. When will he get over himself and see beyond his myopia?
I already forsee many quarrels to come over who's to use the car. So help me God, give me strength and tolerance to open his eyes.
Saturday, October 23, 2004
The shows and the books are always full of the mean bad people with terrible attitudes and vices, and there're always the good people who put things right, and balance the equation of life. These good people have only virtues, and maybe the few harmless bad habits and idiosyncracies, and they always get what they yearn for, maybe not initially, but eventually they get what they deserve, and live happily ever after.
Where does that leave folk like me? Who're somewhere in between the two and don't possess any defining virtue? Will I find my happily ever after?
Friday, October 22, 2004
someone reign me in
this girl's going places in her mind.
bad bad
knob
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
What is it all about?
The mad rush to finish the assignments which are due in less than 24hrs: suddenly in last two weeks of uni every single subject that I take has its assignment due. Very very apt timing I must say. It couldn't have been better had they tried.
The increase in rehearsals, from 4hrs 2 times a week, to 4 hrs 3 times a week, to 5hrs 4 times a week, to the final 24hr two day bump-in. Now that's something to look foward to. Not.
Friends leaving; making new friends; getting to know friends.
The fervent planning or your life for the next 7 days; the excitement of something novelty; the indulgence of attention and fun; the intrinsic hedonism at work; the faint echo of regrets; the ghosts of past mistakes; the shadow of a doubt perpetually overhead; the clamber for contentment and joy.
Just can't help but wonder Just what is this never-ending rush for? Where is it leading us? Where are we headed?
It's 1231am. I've got two performance assignments tomorrow. I've got to wake at 615am.
But I'd like to take a couple of minutes off for myself, just my muse and me.
I refuse to give in to the endless mindlessness. Least not for now.
Friday, October 08, 2004
1605hours, Friday, October 08, 2004.
Sitting at home on a Friday afternoon, 4.05pm.
It's nice and cool outside, with a fresh breeze blowing and the sun occasionally peeking out from behind the clouds.
I want to go out, do something, yet this inertia keeps me from experiencing. No doubt there are countless things I could do: go visit a coursemate at the shop she's started working in; go check out the sale at Target and Myer; buy dynamo; get a new bottle of make-up remover; casually saunter into Prime and see if Geoff's working today and desperately hope something comes out of it; catch a movie, there so many movies I haven't seen and want to see......
Yet here I am, sitting at home in front of my laptop, blogging.
And it's not like I don't want to get out and enjoy myself, I do, it's just... laziness.
The house has gotten so comforting, just sitting in front of tha laptop, listening to music and playing games. That's something I could get used to. No rejection from my laptop, no awkwardness between us, no forced conversations. Just a mutual trust and companionship.
I'm looking for a friend, but I'm not looking to make one. I just want to skip the whole 'getting to know each other' bit. Cut straight to phase two. Impossible, I know. But I couldn't be bothered. I've been here before, and I can go through it again. No biggie. It's a lonely existence, but it's safe.
I'm too exhausted, too jaded, too tired to try. I've got people who love me for who I am, though they're scattered throughout a few continents. Whether things'll change with time, I'm not sure. But for now, I'm content, and I don't feel the need to venture further than I have to. Either way, I know I haven't found what I'm looking for, and I'm still looking. Around me and within me.
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
Alleluia from the heavens
Alleluia in the heights above the earth
Alleluia all His angels
Alleluia for the last will be first
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
Alleluia in the morning
Alleluia for the beauty of His stars
Alleluia in the twilight
Alleluia sun and moon and shining stars
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
When the night seems so alone (throw your hands to the sky)
You can sing a new song (wipe the tears from your eye)
When you're weak He is strong
He can heal your wounded soul
And calm the storm inside
For all your times of laughter
And every hopeful prayer
When the world weighs on your shoulders
Through sorrow and your despair
With everything, with every breath praise the Lord
Let everything, let every breath praise the Lord
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
Let everything and every breath praise the Lord
When the night seems so alone,
Throw your hands to the sky.
You can sing a new song,
Wipe the tears from your eye.
When you're weak He is strong,
He can heal your wounded soul
And calm the storm inside.
~ 'With Every Breath', Jars of Clay
i've been wrong all along; people are complex, and i've been so simple-minded in thinking that people can be summed up by a phrase, or their fields of interest.
clothes do not make the man, and grades do not make the person. the person is defined by much broader universal ideals than just the field he or she is in.
"What're you studying?"
"Performing arts."
"Oh wow, that's so cool! I admire you for going for what you want."
no, that's nowhere near admiration.
27 years of age
first year science student in uni
elective: film studies
stereotyped 'crummy delinquent' primary, secondary and tertiary education
worked for 5years as a flight steward after army
came to melbourne without a clue with regards to lodging
ended up in a shophouse with 5 other students from all over the world
amazing knowledge of film, and dazzling ability to discuss and appreciate them which half of the so-called literary students couldn't even fathom
now that's what i call amazing.
the ability to engage and appreciate art despite being a science student, and the interest in science despite being an arts student.
afterall, wasn't science the school of practical experimentation and observation that derived from the search for answers? the answers to the philosophical questions which take into perspective the beauty and art that surrounds us? are they not one and the same? the system that governs us has so thwarted and perversed the mindset we have of these two things that complement each other, and are not mutually exclusive...... it's a shame
-Song Of The Moment-
It's Not Unusual - Tom Jones
Friday, October 01, 2004
12
two meetings,
a short pleasant conversation,
a red fred perry polo,
tsubi jeans,
a pleasant demeanor,
a hint of a sparkle of interest in the eye,
and a boyish charm,
and this girl's all out of whack.....
unhealthy fixated obsession; not good.
i'm losing it, i seriously need to get a grip, or get a real man. enough imaginary ones already
all hangs upon the next visit
i'm giving it til the end of term
Monday, September 27, 2004
maximus? maximillan? just max...
max begins production today........ in seven days he'll be put together, then he'll be put on a ship and for 20days he'll be drifting southwards, and after that, he'll be in good hands...... i can hardly wait....... i'm so excited.......
on another note, i haven't really decided what to name him........ max seems the most suitable name, for now........ so well, he's tentatively max.......
relishing the freedom
i think i finally understand why it's so hard to move on, cuz moving on comes with letting go.
it's hard to move on without letting go, and it's the moment of swinging from one branch to anoter when you're the most vulnerable, neither here nor there, and it's the fear that keeps us from letting go........ yet once u've let go, u find it's tough to get back where you once were...... u move on, and that's it, u've moved on........ it's tough making a compromise...... it's tough when you've got nowhere to turn to.........
then again, the lack of obligations makes one uninhibited....... i could get used to this....... or so i would like to think.........
if i were to be tied to one sin, it would be avarice..........
maybe it's just me, but i find it so easy to be envious of other people, of the relationships they have that i have never had the luxury of.......... it's silly to want something i know could never possibly happen, yet i dream it and live for a few short moments in it, tasting it barely on the tip of my tongue... such folly and childishness............. i should live and experience more........ that should make me more wise....... that, i'd like to think............
it's so amazing sitting on the clear end of a one-way tinted glass and observing the relationships that go on amongst the people around you....... it's so voyeuristic, it almost makes me shiver with fear..... not for them, but for myself........ i don't want to be that voyeur, i don't want to be the one who's watching from a distance and observing............. i want to be the one in the moment, feeling, and being......... i want to be loved, i want to indulge......
'don't do that again daphne'
yes, i hear you............ but people never learn, do they?
i know i don't.......... i try, but the situation often gets the better of me and i get all carried away riding on the moment......... silly silly little girl........ so naive and gullible.... tihnks the world is all peaches and cream.......... think again sweetheart......... it ain't all hunky-dory......
when faced with the same situation another day, i have absolutely no idea how i would react....... err again? or wise up? we'll find out eventually, as all time unfolds all things.......
cheat me once, shame on you. cheat me twice, shame on me
i really should bear that in mind
but alas, this lass crumbles too easily. her bark is way worse than her bite, and things usually have a way of coming back and biting her in the ass.
and that's the way the cookie crumbles mate....... hard, but fair..
driftwood
why do i find myself desensitized? to the things around me, the people around me, and the events around me......... this isn't good, but i can't help it...... it just gets too much to take, and i get so weary...... it feels good not to care, to be burden-less......... call it selfishness, but i really couldn't b bothered with little things and events that happen, they seem inconsequential to me, and continue harping on a certain event, and you start to get me all irritated......... what has happened? where has the giving selfless spirit gone? have i exhausted it? i'm sick and tired of caring, being attentive, and being the nice person. there's more to me than that. it's been 20 years of being the sweet girl, the one dimensional flower who fades into the wallpaper....... there's more to me than that....... just leave me alone, give me some time out, and let me be........ i need my solitude, i need my space, i need affirmation....... it's tough giving and giving all the time......... i can't live up to this preconceived notion, it's time i started taking....... it's time i started being selfish....... if i don't watch my back, who will?
Monday, September 20, 2004
i've reached an epiphany
am i ready?
to forgive myself, to move on with my mistake and accept things as they are? that i, too, like all people, make mistakes i'm ashamed of, and don't want to be associated with..... am i ready to let go and move on? not to forgive, but to forget?
be nice daphne
yes, i will, and this time, i won't even have to try..... i hope........
i think i'm ready for the next step
letting go doesn't come with shutting out all the time
letting go often comes with acceptance and humility too
I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
- 'The Reason' Hoobastank
and so we move on, from one phase of our lives onto the next
on a new sheaf of paper,
a clean slate,
a fresh start.
a better person
i think i've reached a breakthrough
i'm starting to feel at ease with myself and the people in uni....... have i finally found my place?
oh, to be oneself and laugh with release....... tis the most joyous feeling in the world (for now)
i hope i've found the people whom i believe will tide me through my 2 years in melbourne..... oh lead me into blissful abandonment
Thursday, September 16, 2004
The newspaper stories were like dreams to us, bad dreams dreamt by others. How awful, we would say, and they were, but they were awful without being believable. They were too melodramatic, they had a dimension that was not the dimension of our lives.
We were the people who were not in the papers. We lived in the blank white spaces at the edges of print. It gave us more freedom.
We lived in the gap between the stories.
- The Handmaid's Tale, Margaret Atwood
and how true is that? what with all the chaos and destruction going on all around the globe, and all we hear and read about through the media.... for all we know we could be very much sheltered from the harsh plain truth...... we could be living in our own little dimension and not be aware of that....... how scary is that?
would i rather continue living in an imperfect world or be living among the stage of crossover from dystopia to utopia, where chaos and imbalance rule the day?
i'd rather the former
familiarity and routine is what comforts me, and being human, i'm but a creature of habit, and am subject to failings and errors too....... so help me God
Saturday, September 04, 2004
'Thaw with his gentle persuasion is more powerful than Thor with his hammer. The one melts, the other but breaks in pieces.'
'We should be blessed if we lived in the present always, and took advantage of every accident that befell us, like the grass which confesses the influence of the slightest dew that falls on it; and did not spend our time in atoning for the neglect of past opportunities, which we call doing our duty. We loiter in winter while it is already spring.'
- Walden, Henry David Thoreau
it's amazing how differently we perceive ourselves from how others see us. hitler saw himself as creating the supreme race; the rest of the world saw him as a cold monster.
who knows who the real 'me' they really are? we all perceive things from differing perspectives, which is the right picture? a table upside down is still a table, yet it functions as a table no more. can it still be called a table then? similarly, when we cease to be who people think we are, who are we?
Friday, August 27, 2004
you've always got so much on the back of your mind, it's like trying to pick one one specific kind of spore that's floating in the breeze on a windy spring's day...... like looking for a needle in a haystack...... like trying to pinpoint where the istana is on the atlas...... like trying to look for peace amidst a crowded cafeteria...........
and so you find you let these thoughts go, and it's easier to exist in a plane where troubles come and go easy, and nothing bad ever stays....... where everything works out to your favour in the end, and nothing terribly horrible ever happens to you....... it's like the imperfect fairytale with no twists...........
and so you trundle along, with your mind furrows buried, and your meandering life peaceful..... wondering if life is ever gonna turn upside down, or get horribly wrong...... seeking to get away from the undulating plain it is, yet fearing to step beyond into the unknown canyon of heights and splendours............
zen, maybe?
it's so easy to want to distance yourself from the people around you, where you cease to care, and it seems like the people around you cease to care to....... where nothingness fills the space, and you're left wandering amidst the confounded mist.........
sometimes we just need a break.... for no reason whatsoever, just to get to know ourselves more, to get reacquainted with ourselves, to review our goals and ideals...... to critique our past actions, and judge ourselves......
for no reason why,
i can't cry hard enough
no i can't cry hard enough
for you to hear me now
she wants something, yet she doesn't have the guts to find out if it's what she really wants, and she puts on a front and acts all aloof and distant, and pushes away the very thing which she craves for....... she succeeds, in driving it away........ and she laments, wishing and hoping with each turn that it'll come back to her, yet meeting with letdown every single time....... she's never gotten a clear cut answer, and she never will......... simply because she was afraid.......
what a fool
verfremdung effekt
to create a rift between the writer and the subject.......... to stand back from the action and look on and learn from the didactic method of presenting a topic to the audience and making them think and reflect upon it....... by alienating the audience, and making them aware they are watching a presentation, not a performance, and confronting them with the issues brought up..... how brechtian......... but will she learn from watching herself?
so easy, so
so
easy
fool
Saturday, August 21, 2004
one by one they come, and each one takes a bit of you with them, and with each departure a part of you dies....... until one day you find you're left standing,
alone,
empty,
a void,
disillusioned,
left with nothing to offer anymore, left to face the harshness of reality in the face, and trembling underfoot, not from fear, but from exhaustion at having tried so hard, and given so much, only to be rewarded with stale indifferent faces and nonchalence...... you've grown so accustomed to the sting of unfulfilled expectations that it now comes across as a dull throb in e back of your head, unable to be rid of......... and the ghosts of your memory come together, one by one, and you face your greatest enemy: yourself, and as they merge into an unfathomable formless apparition you become engulfed and lose yourself.... in your memory, your past, your mistakes.....
is it so wrong to want to believe? to want to believe in the goodness of man? that man is genuinely good? that when you give, you receive the same level of reciprocation? or is it so hard to be cynical? to want to believe that man is intrinsically selfish? and that trying to look for someone worthwhile is a lost cause?
i find myself caught; in wanting to believe, and find the goodness in man, yet at the same time being exploited by man from the very trust in place in him, and wanting to be cynical, to learn to trust only in myself, yet finding it too hard to accept the fact that man is rotten.
i want, yet i fear.
and from that self-same fear is born a new want, a debauched want,
which serves only to bring me further down the abyss of discontent and lusting,
and into the very fire which i sought to extinguish in my enemy.
like the flower bending in the gale, i am too weak to stand on my own in the face of adversary
i need someone to save me
from the demons i face,
but mostly, from the demon i'm becoming
Friday, August 20, 2004
-Quotable Quote of the Day-
Every man is the builder of a temple, called his body, to the god his worships, after a style purely his own, nor can he get off by hammering marble instead. We are all sculptors and painters, and our material is our own flesh and blood and bones. Any nobleness begins at once to refine a man's features, any meanness or sensuality to imbrute them.
- 'Walden', Henry David Thoreau
Thursday, August 19, 2004
so many thoughts, so many feelings, so many things to say
yet no words do emerge
is this what being homesick feels like? when you think of someone and you feel a dull silent ache? and you can picture them looking right at you and you can paint out every single line of expression changing on their faces as you imagine them speaking to you? when you desperately jump to their defense when someone's talking bad about them? and you try to justify their actions? when thinking about them makes you wanna cry? is that what feeling homesick is like?
i've never been homesick, i always thought i was independent and adaptable.... guess i was wrong
or maybe it's just the flu bug talking
Friday, August 13, 2004
100 things i want in a man
1. he's gotta be darn handy with computers cuz i am shit with technology
2. he must remain silent when i'm watching tv and only talk durin commercials
3. he should leave me alone when i'm chattin to friends online
4. he's gotta as much humour as i do, maybe even more....
5. .... preferably british wit, or french bitchiness.....
6. he has to appreciate art and theatre...
7. .. and earn enough to upkeep us cuz i'll earn nuts in theatre
8. he has to like the same kinda music as i do, no doop-doop music, no trance, no techno.......
9. he has to agree elvis is the king; cake is fantabulous; rob thomas is hell-sexy; swing is a-pumping; rock&roll is legendary; jazz is groovy; blues is wonderful; oldies are the best, and music is the best thing since sliced bread
10. he has to have a car......
11. ......and preferable me one too..... (a pt cruiser would be nothing short of perfect)...
12. .... bentley, rolls royce, maserati, mg, aston martin, bmw, mercedes, volvo, jeep, alfa romeo or a jaguar would suffice too.......
13. he's gotta love blasting music in his car(and mine) and singing along like it's 1999
14. he's gotta enjoy reading, mostly lit......
15. i'll hit him over e head if he reads only trashy stuff
16. he can't have bad breath......
17. he has to able to dress fashionably but not a lemming..
18. .... preferably know all e ppl in club21 and get us discounts.....
19. buy me tiffany, cartier and bvlgari jewelry like it's free.....
20. .... and not gripe about it
21. he should buy me the stuff i like.....
22. he can't have oily hair.....
23. he should be well groomed, yet not a prat...
24. and be able to get down and dirty and muddy in e field
25. he should never think woman can't drive.....
26. .... and admit that i set a good example....
27. he's gotta be able to appreciate shakespeare, dostoyevsky and beckett......
28. and worship words as the most powerful weapon a man can have
29. we shall have name-calling and bitchy insulting fights.....
30. ....... and also playfights where we pin each other down and declare e other a weakling
31. he has to thrill me with his mind.......
32. ........ and with his body....
33. we'll play sports together and he doesn't think im inferior cuz im a female
34. we should both cook together...
35. .... and clean up together.........
36. ...... and do the housework together.......
37. he has to love his car as much as i love mine
38. he can't be a reality tv nut
39. he's gotta have an open mind......
40. ....... and think out of the box........
41. ........ and accept radical ideas.......
42. ... but not be a rebel without a cause
43. he has to able to dance........
44. ...... and not look queer doing it.....
45. he should be able to converse in dialect with me....
46. .... and preferably coach me too....
47. he's gotta be understanding of me
48. and faithful.....
49. and trust me with all his heart
50. and make me to trust him with mine
51. he shouldn't be afraid to love..........
52. ..... and convince me to do the same
53. he should appreciate what i do......
54. ... and not belittle it
55. he should love queer people as i do
56. he should embrace that people are different
57. he should never regret anything he's done
58. he should live everyday like it's his last
59. he has to believe in 'carpe diem'.......
60. ....... and act on it
61. he has to appreciate and watch arthouse films with me.......
62. ......and discourse with me after
63. he should treat his mobile phone dearly....
64. he shall not be a slave to technology
65. he has to appreciate nature
66. he should be taller than me by at least half a head
67. he should have a broad build so we'll look nice together
68. he should like materialistic things and indulge......
69. .... yet at the same time not be engulfed by it.....
70. ......and be ready to let go of it all when the time calls for it
71. he should preferably be a christian, and believe in God
72. he has to make me feel loved....
73. ..... and special.......
74. .... and mean it.......
75. he's gotta b special, to me
76. he shouldn't be a conformist, and have his own thoughts and not be afraid to voice them
77. he has to love his parents....
78. ... and mine.....
79. and his siblings........
80. ......... and mine.......
81. he should have a bunch of fun friends whom i can hang out with and be comfortable and are not chauvinistic pigs
82. he should be able to hang out with my friends too
83. and understand that i need my space.....
84. ... and sometimes i just want to spend alone-time with myself
85. he should never whine
86. he should look on the bright side of things
87. he should be a happy person, but not himbotic, but ditzy at times is fun.......
88. he should not be afraid of affection
89. he shouldn't be afraid to speak his mind...
90. .. but he's got to know how to euphemise things
91. he should always put things back to their places.....
92. he should be advanturous
93. he should be outgoing
94. he's got soulful eyes
95. .... and a toned bod
96. he should have a sweet tooth....
97. ..... and desire alcohol too.....
98. ...... but not a member of AA.....
99. he should never judge me
100. .....and never say anything he doesn't mean
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
How glorious a day to be out there
Yet here I am confined to gloomy thoughts
If gloom had droplets, why! I'd be a drowning man
To save me naught; no knight in shining armour.
The reason is this; the reason is now,
That life's little bundle of joys I've gone on without.
To steady me not, no spirits held high,
My outlook is on a funeral pyre.
The hands of time tick, a-ticking they are,
They end up nowhere, like a bumper car.
The season is ending, summer draws near
Yet nothing I sight, no sign of my dear.
Tuesday, August 03, 2004
"The thing that makes you exceptional, if you are at all, is inevitably that which must also make you lonely."
- Lorraine Hansberry
seems to make a lot of sense, after all, weren't all geniuses introverted and quirky in their own lil ways? 'it's lonely at the top', they say......
"Love and marriage, Love and marriage
They go together like horse and carriage
Can't have one without the other"
- Love and Marriage, Frank Sinatra
top 2 places where daphne quah receeds to her thoughts:
1. the shower (when she isn't belting her tiny heart out, which she normally wears on her sleeve)
2. travelling alone on public transport (which is soon coming to an end)
IDC 1020 Identity Crisis
been doing some involuntary thinking lately....... have been a very very confused person for a very very long time......... 'don't lose that smile, there're very few happy people like you left' (harris, 2002).............. if a person is (most of e time) intrinsically happy in the company of other people, and always having a crack at jokes and being a monkey, yet the moment they're alone they are filled with an immense deepness of mellowness and thoughtful reflections, coupled with an engulfing sense of melancholy, is that person intrinsically a happy person? or a sad person? have been struggling with this for a long time..... and i dunno what else to say or think, what to conclude....... is it possible to be one and both at the same time? to be happy yet sad? is that mentally possible?
am i a scam?
Monday, August 02, 2004
is this what limbo feels like?
to feel a great sense of inertia, coupled with a hint of resentment and lack of enthusiasm..... dreading the drudgery and aimless routine....... day after day... week after week.. month after month..... where you don't feel welcome, and you don't feel as if you fit in...... you stick out like a sore thumb in the wallpaper....... does that make sense? i can't wait for this to be over, for things to really start, for my life to truly begin..... to pick up where it left off, to test my wings and see if they're fully fledged.......
i can't take this performer's inertia...... i feel like my art is stagnating, my ability is stealthily retreating and i'm losing my touch............. i need to get on that stage.............. call it histrionicism.... narcissism..... showoff-iness....... pride...... lack of humility......... whatever.......
how do you feel free to express yourself as an artist in an environment where you don't even comfortable in? you are suppressed, your art is suppressed....... and you can't give your best........ i need space....... i need encouragement......... i need support........ i need to be praised............. i am an actor........ i am intrinsically self-centred, am i not? so feed me.... please........
on the other hand,
seems evrything's been sorted out, without even being sorted...... it's amazing what time apart can do to two confused minds...... it sets things in their proper places and lights the path for us to see........ and a sense of relief rushed through her, tingling from the base of her spine all the way up to the nape of her neck, then to her brain..........
so one thing's solved, but yet another rises out of the deep and looms overhead.......... will this never end?
Thursday, July 29, 2004
i can't go on like this
Convinced of my deception
I've always been a fool
I fear this love reaction
Just like you said I would
A rose could never lie
About the love it brings
And I could never promise
To be any of those things
Blessed are the shallow
Depth they're never find
Seemed to be some comfort
In rooms I try to hide
If I was not so weak
If I was not so cold
If I was not so scared of being broken
Growing old
I would be...
I would be...
I would be...
...frail
- 'Frail', Jars of Clay
the agony of not knowing
the anticipation of finding out
the anguish in knowing
and the tears that burn within.....
will this be my story? how did i get myself into this mess? was it worth it?
the cons seem to outweigh the pros
'What are you trying to do?'
'I'm tempting myself.'
such sillyness, to push ourselves and test our limits..... no wonder we faltered.....
Saturday, July 24, 2004
'You broke another mirror
You're turning into something you're not
Don't leave me high
Don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high
Don't leave me dry'
- 'High and Dry' Radiohead
yes, don't leave me high and dry please
i am the very person i try to keep away from........
how does one run away from themself?
yes, how do i live with myself? i'm struggling to find out...... 'how do i live with myself?' very aptly put, i couldn't have said it better if i wanted to........
'What just happened?'
silence
'I don't know...'
'What do you mean it doesn't change a thing?'
...because it changes everything....
a great big hidden ball of mess arisen from a scattering of leftovers and indulgences
does anybody understand?
why is it that what's bad is usually unusually good? to knowingly do something you know is wrong is twice as bad, what then if you don't feel bad after? you know you've done something you shouldn't have done, yet you wanted it and saw it coming yet did nothing to prevent, instead, you encouraged it, and when the time came for repentence you feel nothing but indifference....what has happened? why do you feel not like the greatest sinner, but rather, like the starved man who drinks from the well...... is it such a terrible sin to give in to pleasure? to do what the body tells you to? why do we stand to face the judgement and opinions of others who are far from perfect themselves? why must everything we do be dictated by social norms and rules? can we not decide for ourselves what's good and what's not? or have i lost myself along the way?
human beings crave for the tangible, the physical, what they can see, feel, and touch
Friday, July 23, 2004
is there more to life than e endless daily routine of work work study study chores chores?
what exactly are we living for?
why do we do e things we do?
why do we crave for social acceptance?
does one form of comfort have to equate to another form of comfort?
can being comfortable mean u're not fully urself, but still comfortable?
what does it mean to be comfortable?
what does it mean to be graceful?
what does it mean to be human?
why are we put through such ardous tasks each day only to overcome or succumb, then go through the same trials day after day, only in different forms?
i don't know why you couldn't just stay with me
you couldn't stand to be near me
when my face don't seem to wanna shine cuz it's a little bit dirty
well don't just stand there
say nice things to me
cuz i've been cheated i've been wronged
you don't know me
well i can't change, i won't do anything at all
- 'Push' Matchboxtwenty
why do we seek out perfection? why couldn't we be content with what we're given? why don't we understand that we ourselves are far from perfection, and what gives us a right to seek someone who is perfect?
'perfect' doesn't exist, when will i realise that?
i fear for myself
she said i don't know if i've ever been good enough
i'm a little bit rusty and i think my head is caving in
and i don't if i've ever been really loved by a hand that's touched me
i feel like something's gonna give and i'm a little bit angry
- 'Push', Matchboxtwenty
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
whatever happened to chivalry? whatever happened to e good old days when men were gentlemanly and courteous? whatever happened to the days when men knew their place and their boundaries?
with all the charms of a woman
you've kept the secret of your youth
you led me to believe you're old enough to give me love
and now it hurts to know the truth
young girl, get out of my mind
my love for you is way out of line
better run girl, you're much too young girl
beneath your perfume and make-up
you're just a baby in disguise
and though you know that it's wrong to be alone with me
that come-on look is in your eyes
so hurry home to your mama
i'm sure she wonders where you are
get out of here before i have the time to change my mind
cuz i'm afraid we'll go too far
- 'Young Girl'
Found myself just the other day
In the backyard of a friends place
Thinkin’ about you
Thinkin’ of the crowd you’re in
What you up too where you been?
Just thinkin
And all the clothes that you wear
And the colors in your hair
Shouldn’t change you
Now you tell me why it’s so
You're bigger than mighty Joe
At lest you think so
God my fingers burn
Now when I think of touching your hair
You have changed so much that I don’t know
If I can call you and tell you I care
And I would love to bring you down
Plant your feet back on the ground
Throw my smoke down on the ground
Turn my head and I heard the sound
That reminded me
Of the days so young and sweet
Always so much fun to meet
At lest I thought so
Now you think you're so damn fine
You can rule the world no not mine
I don’t think so
Now the scene that you’re in
And the people that you been with
Just get to me
But you think I’m not as cool
As you are so beautiful
Well who you fooling?
Well I’m here to tell you babe
The game you're in is just a game
So damn pretentious
God my fingers burn
Now when I think of touching your hair
You have changed so much that I don’t know
If I can call you and tell you I care
And I would love to bring you down
Plant yoo ur feet back on the ground
You think you’re so beautiful
So beautiful
- 'So Beautiful' , Pete Murray
the thought of being estranged by someone; of estranging someone, burns.......
please don't let me be the person he's singing about one day, no, not me, don't let me fall any deeper to e claws of such superficiality
'After a night's sleep the news is as indispensible as the breakfast. "Pray tell me anything new that has happened to any man anywhere on this globe," - and he reads it over his coffee and rolls, that a man has had his eyes gouged out this morning on the Wachito River; never dreaming the while that he lives in the dark infathomed mammoth cave of this world, and has but the rudiment of an eye himself.'
'To a philosopher all news, as it is called, is gossip, and they who edit and read it are old women over their tea.'
'Shams and delusions are esteemed for soundest truths, while reality is fabulous. If men would steadily observe realities only, and not allow themselves to be deluded, life, to compare it with such things as we know, would be like a fairy tale and the Arabian Nights' Entertainments. If we respected only what is inevitable and has a right to be, music and poetry would resound along the streets. When we are unhurried and wise, we perceive that only great and worthy things have any permanent and absolute existence, that petty fears and petty pleasures are but the shadows of the reality. This is always exhilarating and sublime. By closing the eyes and slumbering, and consenting to be deceived by shows, men establish and confirm their daily life of routine everywhere, which still is built on purely illusory foundations. Children, who play life, discern its true law and relations more clearly than men, who fail to live it worthily, but who think that they are wiser by experience, that is, by failure.'
- Walden
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