The Space Between
The tears we cry
Is the laughter keeps us coming back for more
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep safe from the pain

But will I hold you again?
These fickle, fuddled words confuse me
Like 'Will it rain today?'
Waste the hours with talking, talking
These twisted games we're playing

We're strange allies
With warring hearts
What wild-eyed beast you be
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep safe from the pain

Will I hold you again?
Will I hold...

The Space Between
Where you're smiling high
Is where you'll find me if I get to go
The Space Between
The bullets in our firefight
Is where I'll be hiding, waiting for you
The rain that falls
Splash in your heart
Ran like sadness down the window into...
The Space Between
Our wicked lies
Is where we hope to keep safe from pain

Take my hand
'Cause we're walking out of here
Oh, right out of here
Love is all we need here

The Space Between
What's wrong and right
Is where you'll find me hiding, waiting for you
The Space Between
Your heart and mine
Is the space we'll fill with time
The Space Between...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I must endeavour to put everything aside and wipe my slate clean.
The world is your oyster Daph. Let nothing and no one tell you otherwise.
There is no other way to dream but to dream big.
I need to start believing in myself and my talents. I have the ability to
change the world. And I mustn't look to assurance for that.

 

Oh sigh.

- dyseluxon, 10/07/2007 01:18:00 PM

Saturday, September 22, 2007

 

But will I hold you again?
These fickle, fuddled words confuse me
Like 'Will it rain today?'

And so they do; and so they do.

Duckling is beautiful. She's everything I am, and everything I wish I could be.

Ha, it's 3am.

Baby, it's 3am I must be lonely
And she says 'Baby well I can't help but be scared of it all sometimes'
Says the rain's gonna wash away, I believe it

To bed, to bed. This is fast becoming my most quoted line from Shakespeare.

Expectations are what fuck people up. But how can we live a fulfilling life without expectations? It's a catch-22 we'll have to battle with to eternity. And the sword of Damocles hangs above us, like a ticking timebomb. Speaking of ticking, my skeleton clock's not working. I dunno why. I am crushed. But I must learn to learn go of material things. The intangible is what binds the fabric of humanity together. The metaphysical is what I must progress toward.

To bed, to bed. Fie, Hell is murky.

- dyseluxon, 9/22/2007 03:01:00 AM

Sunday, September 16, 2007

 

Sentimentalist and Romantic. A dangerous combination to be.

I think I made a discovery about myself today. I develop expectations based on concrete inferences, on what I would personally do if I was put in a certain situation, and I like people to do the same. And when they don't, I get very very pissy. I throw hissy fits and start feeling spiteful. I never thought this was true, but to a certain degree, I expect to be treated like a princess. My family and friends have always patronized and given in to me, and I've always(usually) gotten what I wanted. And now, in the face of a very worthy adversary, I'm not given special leeway, and that really shits me. I want to be placed on a pedestal, and right now, I'm moshing with the locals. Maybe because I know I deserve better than what I'm getting. But when does it cross the line and traverse from self-preservation to indulgence?

I never thought this, but I think I do now: I am high maintenance. I demand a lot. I have many expectations; viable expectations, not ludicrous and unreasonable. They may be many, but they certainly are a cumulation of many tiny expectations, and they all just require a little consideration and effort.

I used to think I was a masochist, now I realise I'm more of a sadist. When I'm cut, I don't exhibit my pain. Instead, I lash out, and try to hurt back in a different, more subtle way. This is bad, because it's gonna culminate in a vicious cycle that never ends, and I don't want to get out of it. Because when it's good, it's beautiful; when it's bad, it's anguish.
The littlest thing affects me tremendously and fucks me in the head so bad I can't function as per normal. Everything acquires a rose tint. And I know it, yet I can't stop it. This is really like a drug. I don't know where I'm going with it.

Is it just me? Am I striving for something that's unattainable? I've no freaking clue. So help me God.

- dyseluxon, 9/16/2007 01:12:00 AM

Friday, September 14, 2007

 

I think I've figured out what my problem is. I need to make a decision, and bleeding well stick to it. None of that 'which is the best alternative' shit. You can't have your cake and eat it Daph, life's not like that.
Make up your mind, and give it your best shot. Never mind if you fail, at least you'll fail gloriously.

- dyseluxon, 9/14/2007 03:49:00 PM

Monday, September 10, 2007

 

The princess has been told she's clingy. Wow. What a slap in the face. But different circumstance. Different. I haven't blogged in such a long time. I feel like, there's so much to say, yet too little words to express it. I can't remember the last time I was so fucked in the head. Never, I guess. This is new. Daphne has just indirectly admitted that she's in the wrong. She's never been one to step down, but I guess that as things mellow and the heated emotions and passions mellow, like age, one becomes more settled and is more willing to step down. My current mood: resignation. Whatever comes; comes. It's not that I don't give a shit, it's just too fucking tiring and draining. I can only eat humble pie and do what I can. 'The rest is silence.' That's from a play, but I can't remember which, hmmm. No, really, the rest will just come. Nothing I can do. I will eat humble pie, but I will never grovel. And if this humble move of mine illicits a lack of response, then I guess I'll be disappointed. Not that I should, because I probably shouldn't be expecting anything. I should have learnt by now. But my better senses tell me it's the mature thing to do the humbleness. And so I have. This probably doesn't make sense at all if I read it after I post it. But what the hey. I'm off to learn lines now. I can only say that I did what I could, and whatever happens, suck shit Daph. You did what you could. If it's time to move on, it's time to move on. That's what life's about. And secretly, I'm proud of myself for having reached the state I'm in now. I might feel different tomorrow, but for now, I'm happy with where I'm at. Good night cruel world. It's time to learn some lines.

- dyseluxon, 9/10/2007 08:06:00 PM

Friday, August 24, 2007

 

Isn't it funny how everytime I harden up a little, something nice comes my way and I melt yet again into a mushy puddle? This has got to stop. Why am I such an emotional mess? It's ridiculous, Daphne should be scoffing at this. This constant inextinguishable spark of optimism; I've almost become a pollyanna myself. Always looking into everything for something more. I should be ashamed. It's late darling; to bed, to bed. Fie, hell is murky. Ain't that true.

- dyseluxon, 8/24/2007 02:10:00 AM

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

 

Either I'm too nice, or I'm too sensitive. I don't know which. Make up your mind Daph.
Maybe I'm a bit of both, I'm screwed now aren't I? Sometimes when I get really tired, I just get sick of trying and don't even bother. It's a terrible state for me to get to, but I do it, remorselessly too. It's bad. Oh well, what the hey. Whereas most people sit somewhere in the middle, I rest at the extreme end, and when I get rustled, I swing to the other extreme end, bypassing the middle ground where most people perch. I think that makes me a fairly hard person to figure out, by normal people standards. But I don't really care, no. At the end of the day I end up all hurt and sad, simply cuz I was too proud or nonchalent to voice my thoughts. Suck it up Daph. That's life. Sometimes I should stop putting myself on the firing line and just retract back into my tiny shell of comfort. Least I know I'm safe and unhustled there. Albeit lonely. This is crap. Life shouldn't be this hard. People should be more honest. People should be more considerate.

- dyseluxon, 8/15/2007 11:22:00 PM

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

 

12th August 2007 - A day of firsts

The first time I went skiing. And did very well for a first timer.
First time I had ever see that many stars in the sky. We were 5 hrs out of the city, and there wasn't a single light aside from the occasional car on the road, and the iridescent stars in the sky. I swear, I had never seen the sky filled with that many stars. It was simply breath-taking. I sat in the back seat of the car and stared at the stars for an hour. Never before have I seen brighter stars in the sky. I used to think those pictures of the constellations were crap, cuz one can't see all those stars. But I was wrong. It is possible. I was just never presented with the opportunity. I could see all the stars of the constellations, and even those not belonging to any constellation.

I even saw the Milky Way. How amazing is that? That faint white shadow just extending from the bottom of the Big Dipper. It was divine. I felt like I was communing with some ancient energy. I was in awe. I was at peace. I was attuned to the cosmos. It was surreal. I miss it. When will I ever get the chance to experience that again? I feel like a little girl who's just been let in on a grand secret, and I want more. Ah well, such is life. I'm sure the stars and I will meet again. Just think on it, those very light rays hitting my retina at that precise moment were rays that have travelled trillions of miles and are millions of years old. How humbling is that thought? I feel so insignificant and humanised ; it's beautiful. I need more moments like this in my life.

The Bacchae opens tomorrow. I am strangely calm. It will be great. It is great. I need to start looking at the big picture, and out of my own consciousness.

I think I'm a naturally paranoid person when it comes to my relations with people. I read into every little gesture and sign, and interpret the worst. And I'm so super sensitive to the slightest things. It's terrible. I need to get over this childlike approach and start taking things less personally. It's not all about you Daphne, remember that.

- dyseluxon, 8/14/2007 11:08:00 PM

Friday, August 10, 2007

 

I think Pride is one of my major sins. Never thought much of it, but I think I just realised it. Nothing gets me more offended than being patronised and talked down to. And when I'm annoyed, I usually try to work things out. I just leave, simply cuz I couldn't be bothered. Some people might say that's an attitude problem. I say, 'tough titties'. I'm in the right.

- dyseluxon, 8/10/2007 12:02:00 AM

Monday, August 06, 2007

 

I am a working woman now =)
And it feels good to be able to say I am able to stand on my own two feet, if I choose to.
Regardless of the fact that I had some connections which helped me get the job in the first place, I am proud to say that I have done a mighty marvelous j0b on my first two days at hospitality, and have gotten good reports from my supervisors. Not that I'm allowed to know that. Again, connections make the world go round. The uniform room lady even joked that I'd be a supervisor myself in 4 months. Funny lady. And the people I've worked with have been nothing short of amazing and encouraging and supportive. Although I've heard horror stories about other rooms, I've gotten the nice rooms, and have been called back to do both rooms. It's not as daunting as I thought it'd be.

And now we enter the last week of rehearsals for The Bacchae, we're running the show this week. Let's hope this goes down just as well. Life has been really good to me.

- dyseluxon, 8/06/2007 07:41:00 AM

Saturday, July 28, 2007

 

Am I an alcoholic? 3pm on a Saturday afternoon and I have a beer. It's not even nice beer. It's VB, the shittest beer around, and I swirl it in my mouth with delight. There's a benefit party tonight, but I just feel like staying in, drinking by myself and doing housework and tidying up til the night falls and it's time to turn in. I think I have issues. I think I think too much. Like the country that nurtured me, I create problems in my mind and mull over them. Typical.

- dyseluxon, 7/28/2007 04:36:00 PM

 

The LTA said commuters can cut travelling time by 5 to 8 minutes using this new underground expressway.

6 years; S$2.5 billion; a reduced travelling time by 5-8 minutes.
You do the math.

Sometimes I wonder whether we really fail to see the forest for the trees. Or are we too privileged we have to find a solutions to problems that don't really exist.

- dyseluxon, 7/28/2007 04:29:00 PM

 

Why am I such a fucking doormat?
It's time you started being less accommodating Daphne. Nice girls never get a slice of the pie.

- dyseluxon, 7/28/2007 05:23:00 AM

Saturday, July 21, 2007

 

At the behest of Shamaine, this sucker just got tagged as well. Here's what I want, and I'm gona work my ass off for many of these things, but here goes!

Things I want but will never get in this lifetime:

1. to win a Oscar
2. to be Dionysus in The Bacchae
3. to be Hamlet
4. to be Lady Macbeth
5. to play Macbeth
6. to play Richard III
7. to be in Waiting for Godot
8. to marry Rob Thomas
9. to marry Hugh Laurie
10. to be a jazz singer
11. to be a jazz pianist
12. to play Ulla in The Producers on Broadway
13. to play Mimi, Joanne or Maureen in RENT on Broadway
14. to be the CEO of a huge international company
15. to be endorsed by all the big fashion houses
16. to be Karl Lagerfeld's muse
17. to be Marc Jacobs' muse
18. to own a yatch
19. to have a beautiful beach house with my own private part of the beach
20. to stop wars
21. to end all famine
22. to find a way to stop global warming
23. to tell Hitler he was fucked
24. to be a master of accents
25. to be internationally acclaimed as an actor
26. to marry a rich lovely faithful man who treats me like a princess
27. to start a theatre company which will become internationally recognised and be Artistic Director and have people running the company for me, and cast myself in the shows, which will tour to all the festivals in the world
28. to be part of the Royal Shakespeare Company
29. to train in all the acting methods and techniques
30. to be the next Audrey Hepburn
31. to understand how politics works and play a pivotal role in it
32. to live in every country in Europe
33. to perform at the Epidaurus in the summer theatre festival in Athens
34. to master Latin and ancient Greek
35. to scale all the mountains of the world
36. to own a Maserati Granturismo, an Aston Martin DBS Roadster, a Bentley Flying Spur, a BMW M6, BMW M5, Mercedes CLK
37. to read every single novel that changed the world
38. to read the biographies of all the people who have changed the world
39. to read every single play written and have them stored in my brain
40. to be intimately familiar with the life and works of all major playwrights
41. to be able to write beautiful plays
42. to play Hedda in Hedda Gabbler on Broadway
43. to be added to history's list of 'Women who changed the World'
44. to be a size 6 model
45. to be abso-disgustingly-lutely filthy rich
46. to act alongside Sir Ian Mckellen
47. to act alongside Meryl Streep
48. to be in the main cast of a long term running sitcom
49. to own every single piece of Cartier, Bvlgari and Lara Bohinc jewelry
50. to save marine life from capitalist fishermen
51. to stop water and air pollution
52. to be a female soccer player for Singapore
53. to become Dame Daphne Quah
54. to be an ambassador for Singapore and live in Europe
55. to be part of the Spiegeltent touring cast
56. to be a marvelous dancer, especially jazz dance, tap dance, swing, and some funk
57. to be the drummer for a jazz band
58. to be a newscaster
59. to play Agave in The Bacchae
60. to play Clytemnestra in Agamemnon
61. to play Medea
62. to read the entire Bible
63. to enjoy going to church regularly
64. to sing like an angel

I think that's it for now, I'm starting to get depressed. eheheheh This is for you Maine!!!! You're the star of the sitcom in my eccentric mind!

- dyseluxon, 7/21/2007 11:59:00 AM

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

 

I had a sudden realisation in the car, driving and listening to Ben Folds Five. I've always taken 'The world is your oyster' as another platitude, but then, whilst driving, I think, for the first time in my life, I fully understood the implications of that much abused phrase. All along, I've been too scared to step out of my comfort zone. I've been too comfortable where I am, never having to really worry about anything all my life. And now I'm reaching the end of my academic course, the one thing I know I can do, and I have absolutely no idea where I'm going to go when I'm done, and absolutely no bleeding clue where to start, and it's abso-bloody-lutely scaring the shits out of me. I've always taken for granted the fact that I'm gonna go back to Singapore, go for auditions, rah-rah-rah. Or maybe stay on in Melbourne, go for auditions, AND get a day job, rah-rah-rah. The realisation that everyone around me is going overseas, having new life experiences, going places, actually stepping out of their routines and not knowing what life will throw at them, has made me realise what a coward I am. I'm no artiste. I'm always seeking inspiration, whinging about being artistically dry and not finding impetus. And now these fellow colleagues of mine have inspired me to step out of my comfort zone. I don't have to go where no one has gone before and make some huge difference. All I have to do is to go where I've ever gone before and open myself to new possibly disorienting experiences. Because how else can I truly inspire people if I can't broaden my mind to understand their life experiences? I don't have to go back to Singapore; I don't have to stay on in Melbourne. I can choose to go elsewhere. London, the West End. Greece, Paris, Switzerland. The world is full of such vast possibilities for me. I'm actually spoilt for choice. Why then, am I so pessimistic and scared? I believe I do have what it takes, all I need to do is to start believing more in myself. I have a wonderful talent, and I have an immense spirit, and a warm heart. I need to start letting myself be free and vulnerable. That's the only way to live.

The same applies to other aspects of my life. Start getting off your ass and get a job. This year is about you and your craft, yes. It is also about you growing up and starting to take more responsibility for yourself. Daddy's girl has to start growing up. Be free and open with people. Let yourself be vulnerable to your friends, that's the way friendships are built. Otherwise, you'll never bridge the acquaintance gap. Similarly, give your heart. So what if you'll get hurt? Use it. That is an artiste's true tool. Put my life's experiences into use. Use it to inspire and touch my audiences. Use it to aptly and truly tell my story of the human condition. The actor has to allow herself to be vulnerable, first as a person, before she can be fully vulnerable as an actor. I can do this. I just need to know, and trust, that many people have been there before me, and I will pull through, regardless of the hurt and pain.

I need to open my heart, my mind, the walls I've put up over the past 23 years.
I need to start breaking through these obstacles I've placed before me all my life. Embrace the unknown. Have faith, and your desires will be fulfilled. Jump into those bathers and start to swim Daphne. You're capable of it. If I can get over my fear of swimming, I can do anything.

- dyseluxon, 7/18/2007 11:22:00 PM

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

 

Letter to self

Dear Daphne,

Get your priorities right. Remember that this year is about you. It's about you becoming obsessed with your craft, which, honestly, is hardly what you're doing at all. Granted that you haven't got the juicy role of Agave and there's only so much you can work with for Chorus 5, but even so, you're still not putting in as much as you possibly can, and you're not doing yourself justice that way.

Also, minesweeper is not a priority. So stop fucking playing the damned thing and get off your arse and do some work.

If you want something Daph, you gotta go and get it yourself. This is a tough industry, and it's only gonna get tougher as you go along. I know Singapore isn't the place you wanna be in right now, but if you want to go to another country, you gotta work much harder and be prepared for hardships you've never experienced. It's really appealing isn't it? The idea of going to Europe for 6months or a year. Just to live and work and see if the theatre there works out for you. It could be that everyone around you is doing it, and it's planted a seed in your mind. Because I know, the moment I go back to Singapore, I will never get the chance to get out of the country and live and experience another culture.

Remember the words of Teo Aik Cher, Draw the dream, and the dream will be drawn to you. Sometimes I think that's wank. Sadly. Other times, it's the only thing I clasp onto vehemently, like a buoy.

If you don't believe in yourself Daph, no one will. Apparently many people told Billy Wilder he was crap. He told each of them 'Fuck you', quite literally. And then he went on and created Sunset Boulevard. And a reporter told him everyone hated Some Like It Hot, and he told the reporter 'Well fuck them.' Thankfully the reporter had a sense of humour. They say these successful people are just awfully determined and hardworking. That's the only thing that sets them apart from me. I don't know if that's true. Somehow I can't help but feel like there's some special ingredient these people have that not everyone's blessed with. That's me being fatalistic and pessimistic and cowardly.

Well Daph, it's your career on the line here. What're you gonna do? There's just a fucking huge plethora of possibilities, none smooth sailing, and definitely all fucking rigorous as horse shit. I'm stuck. So is this sudden urge to live overseas and try my luck an escape? From the big decision I have to make? Or am I simply following the dreams of the people around me, in the hope that in following their dreams, I will find some inspiration to draw my own dream?

Never short change yourself. I'm such a coward when it comes to affairs of the heart. I pretend to be all strong and seem to know what I'm doing, dealing with it in a pragmatic and mature fashion. Fact is, it's all a cover up. I'm just to scared to plunge headlong into it and experience and live it fully. You hold back so much because you don't wanna be vulnerable and risk getting hurt. Truth is, you hurt yourself more simply by holding back. Life's too short Daph, you have to learn to just enjoy the ride. But I can't. I've too much to lose.

Or maybe you just don't know what you want. Have you ever thought of that? Maybe you have this ideal in your head, and you're never gonna achieve it because it doesn't exist. What're you gonna do then? You're gonna get old and jaded and cynical. What does it take to pop that bubble? Life for you is, all peaches and cream. You've had it easy all along, and it's just hard to accept the fact that you can't control life or anticipate what it's gonna throw at you, ain't it? How are you gonna be an inspiring actor if you can't even live life vicariously and explore the unknown? Heard melodies are sweet, but those unheard are sweeter. Isn't that true? We always want what we can't get, regardless of whether they exist or not. Start living in the real world Daph, you need to wake up now, or it might be too late. Stop letting people's decisions and attitudes affect you. Make up your own mind. Find out what you really want. Make a decision. Stop being all nicey-nicey and soft and start being demanding and firm. Andy Garcia's tailored suits in Oceans Eleven didn't just turn up magically, he demanded them. Ibsen didn't just happen to doodle some good plays, he was obsessive and wanted to show Strindberg who was the better playwright. Plato had a utopia in mind, and he made his voice heard, at the price of his life. If you want bad enough to be extraordinary, work towards it. Don't be scared. Don't be lazy.

In the field of your heart, well, make up your mind, and stick to it. You can't sit on the fence otherwise you'll be driftwood all your life. It's gonna happen every single time, and each time, you're gonna blame the other person, and you're never gonna realise that you are the root of the problem. It's a tough world kid. You just have to toughen the fuck up and deal with it.

I think I've simply got too much time on my hands for me to think of these things. If I was busy and obsessive, I wouldn't be sitting here right now, happily tappity-tap-tapping away. I really should be sitting with a cup of tea, script in hand, working through my lines.

Oh Dear Lord, Give me Impetus, please. Bathe me with Inspiration, I beg you.

From the pits of my heart,
Daphne xox

- dyseluxon, 7/17/2007 09:59:00 PM

Saturday, July 14, 2007

 

triskaidekaphobia \tris-ky-dek-uh-FOH-bee-uh\, noun:
A morbid fear of the number 13 or the date Friday the 13th.

What an interesting little fact. Finally I can put a term to use on this irrational fear some people have.

- dyseluxon, 7/14/2007 01:06:00 PM

 

I think Hannah was right when she said "DQ you don't wanna date someone just like you. You'd drive each other crazy."

Some wise person also told me that if you pick one of your friends at random, and think of 3 qualities you don't like about them, they're probably the 3 qualities you dislike the most in yourself.

I think I'm starting to buy these theories that do nothing but merely speculate.

Oystonisms
To rise above mediocrity.
Turning negative into positive.

I've become such a granny. The thought of a girls' night out doesn't fill me with felicitous rapture and jubilation. Rather, I'm thinking 'Damn, this means I'll probably be tired and unproductive the next day. Not good.'
How daggy am I?

- dyseluxon, 7/14/2007 12:18:00 AM

Sunday, July 08, 2007

 

I know now why I'm a commitment-phobe. Because when I choose to care about someone, I care wholeheartedly. I can't do a half-arsed job of caring for someone, I'm just not built that way. With me, it's all or nothing. And when I give, I give a hundred and ten percent of me. Hence, before I make the conscious/subconscious decision to commit, I must know for sure that I'm getting 100% back. Otherwise, I shut down. I'm not a commitment-phobe, I'm just very wary on who I choose to commit to. And I make my emotional well-being a prerequisite, and that I know I'll be looked after. Which makes it a bit of a pickle now, because even though I know that 5 months from now, this will all have to end. And I can't let myself get emotionally involved knowing that it will all end someday. Yet even with that knowledge, neither can I pull the plug on it now and end things before anyone gets too attached or too hurt. That's just being a coward and not daring to live. It's tearing me apart inside, and there's nothing I can do about it. So help me Lord. There's no way I can be sensible and wise, because everything just doesn't seem to fall into that category. How is it possible to be in agony and bliss at the same time?

- dyseluxon, 7/08/2007 10:22:00 PM

Friday, July 06, 2007

 

Oh dear dear dear me. I see the makings of a psycho bitch within me. Don't no one push the wrong buttons, or she'll go psycho on you. Trust me, I've seen flickers of it, and it's not a pretty sight. Good luck, that's what I'll tell the poor sod, he has no idea what's he's getting himself into. Or maybe he does, that's why he's so tentative and evasive. I think I'm a bit of an emotional control freak. That'll explain the aggression and narkiness.
Watch her as she goes about emotionally sabotaging everything.
Why don't you want this to work? Cuz it means that someone other than myself has the power to affect my thoughts. Cuz it means I'm relinquishing some of the power over myself to someone else. Because then, I wouldn't be fully and utterly in control of myself.

What's your animal Daph?
I think I'm a cat. Aloof and coy, wanting attention. Drawing the affection towards itself by way of aloofness, and never actually begging for affection.

- dyseluxon, 7/06/2007 10:03:00 PM

Friday, June 29, 2007

 

For Ellie




And so brings about the end of an era. It may not have been a colossal time of change and great things, but it opened my eyes to a thing or two. That's Ellie, the first month in her new home. Terrified and frazzled. She was a mess. I couldn't even open the cage without her flapping around like a mess and creating a storm within the cage. All day long, she'd just sit there. See that shoelace? It was supposed to be her toy. She never once touched it. Six months down the track, the shoelace still remained untouched, but at least she was moving around, doing bird gymnastics by squeezing through those metal bars and doing flips between her legs. She's a funny girl. She gradually warmed up, and even though I still never garnered the guts to reach in and grab her, lest I frighten her tiny heart, she allowed me to stroke her as she perched on her food bowl eating. Thanks to Ling, who kickstarted the 'Stroke Ellie' movement. Within a week, she went from staying a good 4 inches away from my outstretched finger, to one inch, to pecking me when I stroked her, to just ignoring me while I stroked her gingerly with my index finger. She was one gentle bird.



And now she lies in a shoebox, padded with tissues, and a makeshift pillow. Thanks to Aden's genius skills with bird coffin arrangement. He should seriously consider a career change. We pondered on what to do with her. To bury her was on the top of our minds, but it was cold, wet, dark, and late. And we were both buggered. Plus, there's nothing more depressing than the 'thud thud' of earth being shoveled. 'What about putting her in a shoebox and letting her float out to sea?' Well, it seemed like a good idea, but then the image of a clueless beachcomber, passing by a shoebox, going 'Oooh, what's this?', and being met with a possibly olfactory assaulting shoebox seemed hilarious, and innocently cruel. Besides, the waves would only bring her back to shore. Luckily I live near the Yarra river. So we drove down by the river, lit by the full moon and her reflection in the calm serene water, and the lights of the towering buildings of the CBD in the horizon and their reflections, and bathed in a luxurious silence, broken only by the sounds of the few cars passing in the still of the cold winter night. We gently eased Ellie into the river while she floated along silently into her final resting place. It was a poetic moment, surreal and dreamlike. Two grown adults walking along a gentle river, shoebox in hand. Setting it on the water and watching silently as the box floated ever so peacefully along.I toyed with the idea of watching it disappear into the horizon, but that would have take 5hrs, judging from the speed of the river. We watched as she floated into the middle of the river, flanked by the reflections of two of the tallest buildings, and my mind registered a silent moment for Ellie. My last image of her is silently poetical and peaceful, and lives only in my mind. The symmetry and grace of the image stays with me. That will be poetic proof that she truly is in a better place; Bird heaven, where winters aren't freezing cold, and no one leaves poor budgies out in back alleys all alone.
Rest in Peace, my fair little avian friend.

- dyseluxon, 6/29/2007 10:38:00 AM

Friday, June 22, 2007

 

This is something new. When you're standing on the edge of something, looking in, you think "If I was in it, I'd do it differently." And you mentally rank and abuse those before you who've done poorly. Then, the day comes when it's your turn, and you step in, harbouring such high expectations of yourself and the ideal situation and responses you'll churn. Only to discover your actions are similar to those before you; those you chided and scoffed at. That's irony for you innit? So you've fallen into the trap too, ha. This oh-so-human failing is rather foreign to me, yet it feels nice and fuzzy at the same time. Maybe I'm becoming one of 'them'. By George, good luck to us both, I say.

- dyseluxon, 6/22/2007 11:54:00 AM

Saturday, June 02, 2007

 

Rules: People who are tagged should write a blog post of 6 weird things about them as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says "you are tagged" in their comments and tell them to read your blog.

6 weird things..... Never thought it would be that hard. Here goes!

1. I have canned tuna with my meesua in soup.

I have meesua with canned tuna, broccoli, mushrooms and egg. Almost everyday. Apparently everyone thinks that is the weirdest thing ever. But I like meesua. And I like tuna. So there.

2. I like the smell of petrol.

Whenever I go to the petrol station to top up my tank, I secretly inhale the fumes. Just one tiny long drawn out breath. Otherwise I might get lightheaded.

3. I cannot go out without at least two pieces of jewelry on me.

I always go out with a ring, a bracelet, a necklace and big earrings. Otherwise, I feel naked.

4. I separate my laundry into 5 loads.

Blacks. Whites. Blues. Greens. Pinks/reds/purples. And then the odd yellow top fucks up my laundry routine cause I dunno which load to chuck it in.

5. Everything in my flat must be in some sort of categorical order.

I stack my books according to their size and genre and author (until they got too plentiful and are bursting everywhere). My cds are arranged by genre (likewise to books). My clothes are stacked according to what I wear them for. I arrange my clothes by colour. Jewelry is in 5 stacks: necklaces, rings, bracelets, earrings, miscellaneous. Earrings are arranged by colour. Shoes: pumps, thongs, heels, sneakers, boots.

6. I abhor people who take it upon themselves to massacre the English language.

People who cannot differentiate between "your" and "you're", "their", "there" and "they're" deserve to die tragically. Numbers are NOT a replacement for alphabets. Case in point, "wil b l8", "wot 4", "l33t" WHAT THE FUCK IS "l33t"?!~ I experience burning urges to correct someone if they mispronounce something or spell something incorrectly. Anyone who spells "definately" must be shot on sight.

- dyseluxon, 6/02/2007 07:13:00 PM

Monday, May 28, 2007

 

I'm doing my own freaking head in, that's what I'm doing.
God, you're such a loser Daphne. Stop running away with your imagination and stick to what's at hand, GUH!
Women. Nothing but misery, really.
She's already running away with her thoughts faster than anyone can say 'Gin, on the rocks!'

On that note, I've still got that headache from that gin I had for lunch. Maybe that's cause all i had for lunch was the gin. Hmmm. People should tell you these things before you do them.

I wish someone would understand my inner conversations as well as I do.

Clear thoughts now, think proper thoughts.

SO, tomorrow we begin our new journey. The Bacchae. Wow. Somehow I'm not as excited as I should be. Is that bad? Don't know. Least it makes me glad that I found someone who feels the same way I do. Maybe it's the age thing. Maybe we more mature and less excitable. Maybe I'm just making excuses. Maybe I'm just kidding myself. Maybe I'm just jaded. Maybe I've uncovered my diva complex. Maybe I'm sick of all this and want to get some real action. Maybe I'm just talking shit. Baby steps, Daph, baby steps. We'll take things as they come, don't count the rickety planks on the bridge before we get to it, that's plain stupid.

And at the end of this week's rehearsal, on Thursday evening, the start of another new journey. Aden. Go-karting. Should be interesting. Somehow I'm filled with trepidation and excitement and apprehension. Funny cocktail of feelings, ain' it? This is all so new. I can't handle it. Rather, I don't want to handle it. We'll see. This old heart's been out in the cold too long. I hate expectations, they're the worst thing since global warming. Someone should feed the expectations of the world to the dogs. Then the dogs'll expect to be fed the next day. Great. Such a vicious cycle isn't it? Who needs Greek vicious revenge cycles when you're got a daily dose of vicious cycles everyday? I really should go to bed. Or read the script again before rehearsals commence tomorrow. I'm tired of this. Get me some real work. I've one foot in the saucepan, one foot on the stove top. Make up your mind Daph. Stop playing mind games with yourself. Oh, and if Aden stumbles upon this post, ha. What a joke it will be.

Honestly, I've got too much time on my hands to be able to whinge like that. Oh why don't I do better things with my time? She wonders. Cause you're a lazy cunt, that's why.

- End transcript -

- dyseluxon, 5/28/2007 11:17:00 PM

Friday, May 25, 2007

 

I want some Natural Confectionery Snakes. Especially the blue ones. Yummmm...

I want to hurry up and finish my bleeding essay!!!

I still want my gummy snakies...

*croons*
I want love, just a different kind
I want love, won't break me down
Won't brick me up, won't fence me in
I want a love, that don't mean a thing
Thats the love I want, I want love

And I still want those gummy snakes... I'd settle for gummy bears, they're nice.

- dyseluxon, 5/25/2007 06:40:00 PM

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

 

I remember Hannah telling me once, long ago,

"DQ, You're incapable of evil."

I think, now, I am. If I want to. Doesn't mean I'd enjoy it. I'd have to be pushed to the point where my psyche's going 'fuck this shit'. And then I can do evil. I wouldn't want to. But I could. And I think, as time goes by, I might one day even grow to enjoy it.

I think I'm losing that naivety and innocence that glows so radiantly within me. Oh well. Life's a bitch and then you die.

(Edit: I just recalled an event from yesterday. I think I'm already beginning to enjoy my new found viciousness)

- dyseluxon, 5/23/2007 01:35:00 PM

Friday, May 18, 2007

 

I really r e a l l y really want a 2005 Maserati Gransport.

Do I want the respect of my industrial peers more, or a Maserati?

I dunno.
Possibly Maserati 55%; Respect 45%
And that scares me. It scares me that I'm so potentially close to selling out.

I don't want to be famous. But I do want the respect and critical acclaim from my critics and the general public. And that entails being famous. I want to be rich and respected for my craft. Well. Not very feasible. Unless I sell out. If I get the chance to, anyway.

Fuck, it's all messed up.

- dyseluxon, 5/18/2007 09:13:00 PM

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

 

"Don't make it a 20 year plan. Make it 5. If you want to start a theatre company I will show you how to go about getting the money and support.

You can do a bilingual one-woman show. I want to see your name up in lights before you're 30."

Can I do that? Frankly, it all sounds a bit ambitious. Not that I'm not ambitious, but... Can I do all that? But the Singapore scene is so contrived, and Melbourne so... Aussie...
I should be thinking global. If I want to really make something of myself, I should get out of Singapore; get out of Melbourne. Try it in the big ocean. Shite. That's a huge thought. I don't think I'm ready for it. Shit I'm a coward.

- dyseluxon, 5/16/2007 07:10:00 PM

Monday, April 30, 2007

 

So I'm an uber-bitch. I am.

Me: You've got to see 300, it's great!
Him: Damn I was just going to ask you out to watch that movie, now you've gone and spoiled it. Guess I'll have to ask you out to another movie.
Him: This is the part where you're supposed to say "I'd love to catch a movie with you."
Me: Really? I'm supposed to say that?

If I were me, I'd slap myself and call me names prescribed to genitalia, and worse.

I just can't help myself. When a man acts like a total wanker or smartmouth, it just automatically sets off this major bitchiness within me. I just want someone to be himself. To try to impress or be funny, is definite failure with me. Why am I like that? Why am I so harsh? I've just had enough of all that pretentious shit. I'm looking for sincerity and it seems that it's a harder task than locating Atlantis.

I can see it now, I'm gonna die alone and bitter and wretched, with a dog on my lap.

The man I'm searching for doesn't exist. The men I'm interested in end up interested in my friends. The men that are interested in me are absolute tools.
I fear that being alone for such a long time is going to harden me inside, and when the right guy comes along, I won't know how to open up to him because I'm so jaded and dead inside. I can feel myself already slowing withering up. I can't remember the last time I had a crush on someone. Much less try to recall when I really liked someone. And butterflies in the stomach? That's alien to me now.

My friend sent me some ridiculous 'Love Calculator' thing, those things you do when you're in primary school. I had to fill in three crushes. And I had to rack my brain for even one. And I made up the other two. How pathetic.

"My soul is like an expensive piano that's been locked up, and someone's lost the key."
Irena, Chekhov's Three Sisters.

- dyseluxon, 4/30/2007 09:15:00 PM

Saturday, April 28, 2007

 

grumpalicious says:
im reading a book now called WHY MEN LOVE BITCHES
grumpalicious says:
not like, angie-bitchy
grumpalicious says:
but like independent-bitchy

CLASSIC. That's why I love her. Because she knows she's a bitch, yet she's unapologetic about it. Although sometimes I really do want to wring her neck and string her up on the clothesline.

- dyseluxon, 4/28/2007 01:46:00 PM

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

 

Singapore may have to legalise homosexuality
April 24, 2007

SINGAPORE, April 24 (Reuters) - Singapore may eventually have to
legalise homosexuality, particularly if it wants to foster creativity
and become more cosmopolitan, Minister Mentor Lee Kuan Yew said on
Tuesday.

"Let's not pretend it doesn't exist," he said in an interview with
Reuters, adding that he saw "no option" for Singapore but to
decriminalise homosexual sex.

"They tell me that homosexuals are creative writers, dancers. If we
want creative people, then we have to put up with their
idiosyncrasies," Lee said.

Mr Lee, who this week publicly questioned the city-state's ban on sex
between men, said the country would still need to respect the views
of its more conservative citizens.

"We are not promoters of it and we are not going to allow Singapore
to become the vanguard of Southeast Asia," Mr Lee said.

Under Singapore law, a man who is found to have committed an act of
"gross indecency" with another man can be jailed for up to two years,
though prosecutions are rare.

In November, the Ministry of Home Affairs said it was considering
decriminalising oral and anal sex between consenting heterosexual
adults, but not between homosexuals.

The authorities have banned gay festivals and censored gay films,
saying homosexuality should not be advocated as a lifestyle. But,
despite the official ban on gay sex, Singapore has a thriving gay scene.

MM Lee's comments come at a time when many groups, such as
Singapore's Law Society, are clamouring for a review of the laws
against homosexual sex, which they view as outdated and archaic.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This makes me angry. This makes me livid. "They tell me that homosexuals are creative writers, dancers. If we want creative people, then we have to put up with their
idiosyncrasies." WHAT THE F**K?????? Someone's sexual orientation is not an idiosyncrasy, Mr Minister-Mentor Lee. How come someone possibly be so demeaning and close-minded and shallow and insensitive?! And how in the world would homosexuals in Singapore affect its being the vanguard of Southeast Asia?!~ Because homosexuality is an exclusively Caucasian thing? It's a rare disease that hampers and impedes the advancement of the economy by its mere presence? And we Asians are above this debilitating "idiosyncrasy"? URGH!!! It frustrates me how people can be so small-minded!!! How can I be expected to live in this country and put up with its shit? And such a statement! If you want creative people, well, stop inviting foreign acts in which take up local theatres. Perhaps some funding to local groups would be good. Maybe try in encourage creativity from primary school, not merely introducing a half-hr session on "creative thinking" per week in secondary 3. And does that mean heterosexual people are not creative? GOODNESS! Where is the justice in this!!!!!!!!! I suspect it's not the more conservative citizens that might be offended, it's the freaking government and its bloody attempt to homogenize the entire country. What is this?! Hitler's Germany minus the mass killing because it's been illegalised? Pretty much like everything else in Singapore is. No one cares about homosexuals romping around the city except the homosexuals! Simply because they can't! So by allowing homosexuality we're "not respecting the views of more conservative citizens"? What about the homosexuals whose sexual orientation has been classified as an "idiosyncrasy"? What about their views? Does noone respect them? By not allowing homosexuality aren't they being disrespected and demeaned and slighted? Does no one care about them then?? Take your small-mindedness and discrimination and double-sidedness Minister-Mentor Lee, and maybe after you legalize homosexual acts, you can think of legalizing some other "idiosyncrasy" of some other "minority group".

Just HOW can someone box-ify 'creative people' and say most of them are gay?? ARGH!!!!!!! Just because the dog has four legs doesn't mean all four-legged animals are dogs!!! I am angry. I am very very angry. I am positively seething. If Singapore wants to be the vanguard of anything, it has to stop being so terribly narrow-minded and self-righteous. If Singapore's the vanguard of anything, it's the vanguard of chauvinism, self-righteousness and pompousness, all tightly-wrapped in a tiny box with a white ribbon on the top. And served on a silver platter with the Lee family coat of arms engraved into the gilded rim.

Urgh. I can see Singapore's future now. Despite all its bids to be a world-class city; its thriving economy (of which the golden age has already passed); its world's number 1 air and sea port; its intellectual people who study by rote and are spoon-fed; its constant attempts to attract foreign investors into the country; its trying to be a hub for every single damned aspect in the world, she will always be 10years behind everyone. So what if we're a first world country where the average populace is middle-class, where there's hardly any poverty (even if there is they cull them in the middle of the night, I swear), where almost half the population own the 5Cs, so what? We're still none-the-richer than Cuba, a fifth world nation, in terms of humanity. World's best air and sea ports, and we're in the bottom 30 in terms of free-speech. It's almost tantamount to selling your soul to the devil in exchange for some riches, isn't it? Why lock up your dog at home, afraid it'll run away and deprive it of exercise and it'll become fat and unhealthy and die early, when you can bring it out with you and train it to keep to your side even without the leash, and you both benefit from the exercise and he gets to live longer, as do you. I'm sure the citizens of Singapore aren't so unintelligent and unresponsive that they can't be taught like dogs, are they?

Stop treating us as children and pets Mr Lee, we are individuals who have thoughts and ideas, and stop suppressing those thoughts of ours from kindergarten, because you will end up with a country full of bitter, scared, silenced old people, who can't think for themselves even if the think-stick walked right up to them and introduced itself, who wouldn't know where to go or what to do if they were dropped in the middle of some foreign country.

- dyseluxon, 4/25/2007 10:57:00 AM

 

Drunken nursery rhymes

There once was a man from Nantucket
His dick was so long he could suck it
He sat on a fence
And pulled down his pants
And sprayed all his cum in a bucket.

4 sober girls feeling extremely old amidst a bunch of high school kids in an Irish pub on the eve of a public holiday.
And a ride on a Ferris wheel. Laughing their heads off from fear or excitement, who knows. Yelling 'This bit! This bit!' at every single bit.
And a lost earring. Bugger.

- dyseluxon, 4/25/2007 01:52:00 AM

Saturday, April 21, 2007

 

Guh.

- dyseluxon, 4/21/2007 10:18:00 PM

Friday, April 20, 2007

 

"O day and night, but this is wondrous strange!"

How odd is it that after struggling for so long with annoying essays, I get my two highest marks, marks I never dreamed of; that I never even knew existed, in my third year and my Honours year, and both from the same tutor; who is the most pedantic, anal-retentive, hard-arsed, hard-but-fair, head of anti-plagiarism in Monash, scary American feminist lady. Maybe my efforts are starting to pay off. Nevertheless, it gives me a warm feeling in my heart. So what if I didn't get the scholarship? I've proved to myself that I'm capable, and that's all that matters. And ironically, they were the two essays that I was the most unconfident about, and that I thought I was way off the mark, and hence did a truckload of research. Now we see where the secret lies. Research, and pedantic MLA. MLA works wonders for you if you look after it. But on, back to working on my current essay. Let's hope there's magic left in me yet to cast on it.

- dyseluxon, 4/20/2007 12:09:00 PM

Saturday, April 14, 2007

 

People are just full of bullshit.

Everyone is self-obsessed. Even you Daphne. Don't you forget that.

- dyseluxon, 4/14/2007 11:14:00 PM

Friday, April 13, 2007

 

We did it. I did it.
Nine runs; Three classic plays; Three days, 1400bucks profit; 500 enthralled audience members; Ten rehearsals per show.

"I train in army boots."

Well said, Peter. We've trained in army boots, and we've climbed the mountain. We even managed to make Chekhov non-boring! Now that's gotta be something! This is great. I am so buggered and knackered, yet it all doesn't matter, I'm loving every single second of this process. I love how Peter pushes us beyond our comfort zone.

"Don't be mediocre. You must be special. Make every single moment special."

And in the process, I have empowered myself. I have learnt to trust myself and the techniques I have acquired. Never mind that my line was jumped over in the evening show of Hamlet. Never mind that I screwed up my lines for the matinee of Three Sisters and toppled the candle and got hot wax on my fingers. Never mind that I forgot not to say 'they' in the evening run of The Crucible.
What matters is that I felt it. I felt myself affected by what I was doing. I endowed myself. And it felt great. I was a storyteller for those three days, and I was successful. I told my story, I took the audience on a journey and moved them, and in the process, I moved myself, even while remaining aloof and distant.

Words of Wisdom from a Wise Old Man
"Look after yourself."
"What's your archetype?"
"Ask a real question."
"Don't be sentimental."
"Jump into it; don't jump out of it"
"Use your 'I want's."
"Stay in it!!"
"the unbroken line of life"
"Affect others."
"Trust the language"
"Shakespeare/Chekhov/Arthur Miller is looking after you."
"The techniques will look after you."
"Use your archetype."
"Don't hold up the river."
"Emotions follow Technique."
"Don't let your emotions lead."

I am glad. I am not happy. Happiness leads to complacency. I am satisfied and motivated. I want more. Simply because I know I can. Because I, Daphne, am a wonder among flowers.

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

- dyseluxon, 4/13/2007 04:03:00 PM

Friday, April 06, 2007

 

Life, Art and Dreams

"Because it is my name! Because I cannot have another in my life! Because I lie and sign myself to lies! Because I am not worth the dust on the feet of them that hang! How may I live without my name? I have given you my soul; leave me my name!"
~ John Proctor, The Crucible.

The floundering of the human spirit to seek reprieve within his martyrdom against a lost cause. Fuck. Sometimes we make martyrs of ourselves not directly for a larger cause. Sometimes, we seek merely to ease the magistrate that sits within our hearts. The need to ease our own conscience is a somewhat larger driving force than the righteousness within us we feel we owe towards society.

Fuck. That's one good play. I can't remember the last play that moved me and gripped me as much as The Crucible did.

But, is one's name worth more than one's soul? I cannot help but be shaken by the ridiculous nature of this quest.

And sometimes, to achieve real solace, we have to let go of the comforts that hold us back. To Let go of the blanket of assurance, and come face-to-face with the enemy within that speaks the truth, and whom we have to yield to. As Geoffrey Rush did beautifully in Exit The King. Fuck. Another tour-de-force. His yielding to his futility; the slow eventual collapse of his castle: how the cloth framing the imaginary window and the cloth cyclorama held up precariously by cables descended ever so slowly unto the ground as he succumbed his will, inch by inch, to the ascend of the throne. How ironic, that in accepting our frailty and faults, it is when we truly ascend unto our thrones and attain a sort of power over our lives and truly attain immortality. This is Theatre that challenges. This is Theatre that probes. This is Theatre that invokes. Oh when will Singapore see such plays? Enough with frivolous pantomines and re-stagings of past hits and controversial gender/sexual-issue plays. Give me theatre that strikes one's heart and takes one's breath away. Let Theatre leave me breathless. Bid me hold my breath, take me on a journey, make me feel what you're feeling too.

And with the tilting of his head back unto the throne, with his final gasp, the lights snap off too, as if they thrived upon his live, or, they were representative of his life's essence. Save for that one naked iridescent tungsten bulb hanging at the back. And that light fades to black. And so Exits The King.

What is this business we call life? What is this business we call acting? Ahhhh, the beauty of it all. How unreachable.

"This acting business is hard." - Peter Oyston
And so it is, and therein lies the appeal, charm and beauty that's gotten such a strong hold on me.

Oh, if ever I could be to Singapore, or anywhere, for that matter, what Geoffrey Rush is to Australia, what Sir Ian McKellen is to Shakespeare. I could not ask for more then. If I can inspire just one person as much as I am inspired by Geoffrey Rush or Ian McKellen, I'd die a fulfilled actor. I'd have lived a fulfilling life.

- dyseluxon, 4/06/2007 11:51:00 PM