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Monday, December 15, 2003
why is it that we are such decadent beings that we err time and again and yet still carry on with our same malpractise after? that ephemeral moment of remorse doesn't count for much does it? we feel the huge surge of remorse hitting us like a tsunami right after we've thought 'shit, what have i done? why did i do that? what am i to do now?' and for that few hours (if we're lucky it'll b days) afterward we're feeling all sorry and repentent and guilty as hell........... yet bring on temptation and recklessness and good fun and we're back in our swirling cesspool........ why do we do this to ourselves? why do we immerse ourselves in such a filthy downward spiral? why do i never heed other's good advice? worse still, why do i not learn from my stinking lessons? i really feel like kicking myself in the ass........ why am i such a twerp? such a fuckwit? such a pompous all-knowing self-important insolent ungrateful presumptuous rash and ignorant twit? is it in our nature to act like we know what's best for ourselves? when we obviously know zilch? i dun think i'm being too hard on myself...... i think i deserve this............. and why, why am i such a bloody coward? if i dare to run the risk of endangering myself and making the ppl around me worried for my foolishness, why do i not dare to face up to it? why do i try to justify myself and create excuses as if it'll lessen my wrong? why are we so obnoxious?i have no answers whatsoever to these burning questions eating away at me........ they seem like reproachful questions......... yet they just another attempt to justify myself, to right my wrong, to pacify my angry guilty being......... to try and lessen the anger directed towards myself by reproaching myself......... how conceited of me...........
but the Lord has been so kind to me that i feel even more ashamed...... that i don't deserve his care.... even when i'm swimming in my cesspool of sin he sends a lifebuoy next to me, in the hope that even as i imagine to be dipping in a sea of fresh blue, a lifeline would still be there, just in case..........
the endless edgyness...... gripping the edge of my seat........ wondering what the next bombshell dropped would be.......... it's killing me............
the churning of the stomach, the retch i feel rising within me........ the constant fear that someone in blue would turn up at the doorstep......
why do i put myself through all these shit? especially when i have experienced it before, but on a lesser scale............ i have not only inconvenienced myself, but i have dragged my love ones down with me......... they have to share my burden......... the burdan caused by my foolishness and naivety and arrogance........... how fair is that? why do i still put them through it? why can't i let my parents holiday in peace without having to worry bout us back home? why is it always me? sometimes i tihnk i'm too reckless and presumptuous for my own good............ He will take care of me, i tell myself...... and so i go on a rampage to burn all i see in sight, to take my chances with that brief joyride cuz i know that He's there for me......... such folly......... i learn my lessons, yes.... but will i ever truly learn? and not just them flit past my frontal lobes and become wallpaper in my mind?
it's a whole recent spate of events that has set me thinking........ am i such a playdoh? why do i mould so easily to my containments? it's gone to e point where i've smashed both right rims of my reuben........ and the alignment's gone......... why do i put the ppl who love me thru such misery? two blown tyres, a broken rim, a rim gone out of alignment, a bent and scratched bumper, and an unscathed driver.............. both made it from nicoll highway to dunman road in one piece............. miraculous, evryone thinks............... i should be thankful...... i am........ but there's this void in me that wishes it could have been otherwise............ but it's too late for regrets isn't it? and isn't it a personal motto to never regret? true, i still don't regret, i just wish that things could have been different and that i'd been wiser.......... haha..... isn't that such a euphemism for 'i regret'? nope, i refuse to see it that way......... u might say that i have become wiser now, through the process and experience........ but trust me, give me a couple of days and let things return their normalcy and i'll b back to the same old conceited punk......... why do i do that to myself and the ppl around me? why do i lament yet do naught about it?
Sunday, December 14, 2003
it's funny how we seek to be connected; to be understood, yet we shy from any form of lifeline that seems like it might thread into our inner being and deem us vulnerable and open to hurt..........
Tuesday, December 09, 2003
feeling disconnected
Must of been mid afternoon
I could tell by how far the child's shadow stretched out and
He walked with a purpose
In his sneakers, down the street
He had, many questions
Like children often do
He said,
"Tell me all your thoughts on God?"
"Tell me am I very far?"
Must of been late afternoon
On our way the sun broke free of the clouds
We count only blue cars
Skip the cracks, in the street
And ask many questions
Like children often do
We said,
"Tell me all your thoughts on God?
Cause I would really like to meet her.
And ask her why we're who we are.
Tell me all your thoughts on God,
Cause I am on my way to see her.
So tell me am I very far -
Am I very far now?"
It's getting cold picked up the pace
How our shoes make hard noises in this place
Our clothes are stained
We pass many, cross eyed people
And ask many questions
Like children often do
"Tell me all your thoughts on God?
Cause I would really like to meet her.
And ask her why we're who we are.
Tell me all your thoughts on God?
Cause I am on my way to see her.
So tell me am I very far?"
Am I very far now
Am I very far now
Am I very far now
- 'Counting Blue Cars', Dishwalla
There used to be a time you're the only one that you could see
You built a wall to keep you free
You saw it all so perfectly
You divided everything you had into a thousand parts and names
Made it easier to face the pain
But it never really was the same
But you forgot the reason why you had to be alone to brave
Something from your history
Or have you lost your memory?
But now it seems your baggage is the only thing that you can bring
You had a lie for everything
But now you are just crumbling
Ohh, so now you find you're on your own
You find you're on your own
Ohh, trying to find your way back home
Trying to find your way back
You used to talk to God but you gave up cuz you couldn't see
Couldn't get from A to B
But were you ever really listening?
But nice enough you know that you never really had enough
Something more to fill you up
Maybe just a smile
Ohh, so now you find you're on your own
You find you're on your own
Ohh, trying to find your way back home
Trying to find your way back home
You used to think that you would never be alone
But you're losing control
You find it hard to see it all
To find your way back
Ohh, and now you find you're on your own
You find you're on your own
Ohh, trying to find your way back home
Trying to find your way back home
You used to be a child and divided everything you had
You had a lie for everything
Were you ever really listening?
You used to talk to God but you gave up
Then you never had enough
Or have you lost your memory?
And now you find you're on your own
Find your way back home
- 'Find Your Way Home', Dishwalla
Saturday, November 29, 2003
Endless hours of Being
Endless minutes of Nothingness
it's interesting how backstage ppl are constantly in want of supply, whereas actors r positively teeming by e brim........ and how backstage ppl r so chinese-oriented i feel odd speakin to em in english..... yet some of their counterparts, the actors, couldn't speak proper mandarin to save their lives.......... and the common perception is that actors generally come from well-to-do families.... how interesting..........
me: calltime's at 10am tomoro.......... and we might have to stay til 10pm.....
actor: ***reluctance in voice*** huh...... so late ah? aiyoh...... long day tomoro........
me: ***thinking*** darlin, u're e one who comes and goes according to e schedule.... we come evry friggin day one hr before u guys do and stay on hours after u guys leave....... u only gotta b here frm10am-10pm tomoro..... yet we've gotta b there 930am and after u guys go home for ur beauty sleep we still gotta pack up and bump-out of e bloody studio and bump-in to e theatre that same night and we'll b stayin up through e night and into e next morning and through the next day and probably going home at night if we're lucky....... u're saying u got a long day ahead? well i say bollocks
how do they do it? i could never dedicate my time to endless waiting in rehearsals doing absolutely nothing and packing up after evryone else and being a runner........ i am not that noble..........
give me a character and costume and i'll give it my all
histrionism
i'm a terrible stage manager.......... i dun pay attention durin rehearsals....... in fact, i pay attention to e wrong things during rehearsal........... i dun listen to e director and take notes...... i watch e actor and see how they explore their characters........ how they grow into character and develop their characters......... i watch em improvise......... in fact, i actually enjoy watching them fool around during rehearsals...........
i dun like being a stage manager cuz i can't b in charge of overseeing a variety of things........ rather, give me one goal to work towards and i will shine for u.........
Thursday, November 20, 2003
fag hag
i've concluded that there're three types of gays..........
1. guys that are simply more femimine in behaviour and decide that they like the female species so much they wanna be part of it
2. guys that have gone thru traumatic experiences with the female species in the past/growing up that it has had an impacting effect on their outlook on the females species and their sexuality as they grow to fear females
3. guys that have indeflatable egos and are total divas and simply love themselves so much that they adore anything that vaguely resembles themselves
did i miss out anything?
Friday, November 07, 2003
six degrees of separation
it's interesting how small e world is, not just singapore........... and if u're thinkin bout e theatre/film circle.... gosh! i think u're connected to e rest of e circle in e world if u know 3, maybe 4 ppl..........
in fact, i am 2 degrees away from quentin tarantino!!~! isn't that funky?!~ like 'hey Q'........ eheheh........ no wait, I'm Q.......... eheheh he'll just hafta b T....... ehehe........ or i cld b D......... hmmm......... or we cld b DQ and DT......... AHHAha!~ okie, can it lady........ u're gettin carried away..........
in spore if u know 1 person u know e whole island lah......... 'nuff said.............. what with friendster circulating like a bad epidemic........... in fact, an oooooooolddd friend frm pri sch just managed to track me down~! WHOA!~ she has friendster and she added ngee ann pri sch to het list and found a classmate of mine and asked her bout me and got my uin frm e classmate!~~! FUNKY!!!~! ***does e elbow dance***
and her tuition tcher's beau is daniel lim's (frm e same pri sch as us, and also same jc as me) brother~!
gosh i cld go on forever, but e ppl in china wld just spoil e market by reproducing...........
anyhow, six more days, and i'll b able to see my dear brother again~! but i won't b able to have much time for him cuz i'd b reh-ing for cinderel-lah!.......... hmmm......... nights? sundays? and he won't get reuben... AHAHHAHAHA!!!~!~
oh well, last show of myopia run tomoro.......... sigh............. i'll miss being junior......... i'll miss alison, carina and kevin........ i'll miss (tryin to) hide in stupid places where even a bat cld find me........... i'll miss rapping onstage and bouncing to funky music~! ehehehe
and i wish i had a wicked sense of humour.............. and did funny witty things that can make ppl laugh............ and weren't so unsure of myself among a big group of foreign ppl............ sigh............
oh~! and i discovered i have a soft spot for gay men........ ehehhe........... so i foresee my future partner(if applicable) will b highly gay-like........ and might even b a closet gay........ which is good!~ cuz when we have a threesome we'll both b happy and satisfied...... ehehhe
i dunno....... i just find that most of e men i've met who really intrigue me and fascinate me and whom i find r hilariously witty and funny ppl, and whom i think r so adorable and make me just wanna squeeze em and adore em, or even just thinking they're ppl i wanna get to know............. are gay men...........
oh..... and someone commented i seem like i cld b gay........... great.........! my prophecy in e past entry came true~! eheheh move aside e delphi oracle! dQ's here~! ehehehehe
hmmm...... and i remem takin e gay test and being 42% gay......... mayb it's cuz i'm more gay and e gay men r all gay so our frequencies kinda meet in e middle hence i find em enticing? i mean interesting? eheheh oh well............... we'll see how things go............ if it all dun work out.......... LING! remem our 40yrs-old fall back plan~! eheheh
anyhow......... gay or not........ i like em all e same........... eheheh........
Wednesday, November 05, 2003
disgust
that's how i felt bout my sm today...........
i tell other fellow actors 'she scares me'..... it's a bloody euphemism for disgust............ i am like e fleck of dirt perching vicariously upon her nose, and e sight of her sucking up to e directors and actors is just plain. Fucking. Disgusting.
'aiyah i**n, how? we don't have enough water and we need plain water for the actors but we don't have plain water and we cannot just take water from the tap for them right? how ah?'
like didn't we just solve e problem 2 seconds ago when u so confidently told me to go buy a container to hold the boiled water til it cooled.
and it was also when i was in the midst of asking her if she still needed me around.
immediately after rehearsal she's outside, lamenting away (which is all i've ever heard her speak bout) bout something else that she's e antagonised heroine of...... while i am inside packing up....... and when i ask her if anything else needs to b done, she tells me to do this, do that, while she continues sitting outside, merrily chatting away.........
and when things are more or less done, i wanna ask her what else needs to be done so i can get my ass out of e hellhole and away from her sight, she is fucking mingling around, and halfway thru answering my qns, she turns and starts lamenting to some other actor who's in e vicinity......... like seriously, cut the fucking shit.
she bloody tags along w e director and pretends like she's doing so much, talkin like she's under so much stress cuz of problems she's facing w scheduling, while during rehearsals i see her sitting at e back doin fuck-knows-what whil i am seated beside e recording machine recording e songs e actors sing........
when she talks to e actors and directors she's all smiles and gay and ha-ha...... when she talks to me i can practically smell e disdain in her voice...... cuz i know, she can't give me two hoots cuz i'm smaller than some small fry........ ohhh but one day, we'll see, bitch.
bloody hell, i have to run all e fucking errands that miss incompetent doesn't take into account in e first place, and she acts so busy and stressed........ i swear i cld kill her..... then again i dun wanna waste my time w scum like that........
she's like giving me all e dirty small jobs to do while she does all e glam stuff, i get all e shitty things to do and she's all up there being pally w e actors, pretending to b their best friend and 'getting to know em'........ building up rapport while i'm lucky if they say bye to me when they leave......... she's like so afraid i'll overshadow her or sth........... least that's e vibes i get..........
i'm just gonna do my bit and get e hell outta there....... i'm not part of e cast, i'm not best friends w e sm team...... i certainly won't call e directors affectionately by their nicknames........ i'll just sit in my corner and do my bit, but don't think i can be stepped upon.. i'll prove u so wrong............
i just hope things get better when we get to e actual run........ least i'll have pebble on my side........ i hope......
Sunday, November 02, 2003
Maybe i could be the one they adore
That could be my reputation
It's where i'm from that lets them think i'm a whore
I'm an educated virgin
Sleepwalker, don't be shy
Now don't open your eyes tonight
You'll be the one that defends my life
While i'm dead asleep dreamin'
Cupid, don't draw back your bow
Sam cooke didn't know what i know
I'll never be your valentine
The sleepwalker in me
And god only know that i've tried
Let me in, let me drown or learn how to swim
Just don't leave me at the window
I could be the one to be your next best friend
You may need someone to hold you
Sleepwalker, take this knife
You may see someone tonight
You'd be the one that saves my life
When i'm dead asleep dreamin'
I'm in your movie and everyone looks sad
But i can hear you, your voice, the laughtrack
But you never saw my best scene
The one where i sleep
Sleepwalk into your dreams
Now, sleepwalker, what's my line
It's only a matter of time
Until i learn to open up my eyes
When i'm dead asleep dreamin'
Cupid, don't draw back your bow
Sam cooke didn't know what i know
I'll never be your valentine
The sleepwalker in me
Now, the sleepwalker in me
Now, the sleepwalker in me
And god only know that i've tried
have u ever felt like u wanted something but u're just too tired to try anymore?
and now after e huge boulders of uni application r over, along comes a more immediate task......... monday.........
morning: move stuff from wildrice to reh studio
1130hrs: rush to myopia show
1315hrs: rush back to reh studio
1315-1815hrs: cinderel-lah reh
1815hrs: rush to arty party reh
1900-2300hrs: arty party reh
oh wow~! just realised i dun even have time to eat~! how comforting~! sigh.......
y do i do this to myself? know what? enough of self-pity......... i'll just do what i can........ i can't help it if i'm late.......... a gal's gotta eat when a gal's gotta eat..........
i know what my main gripe is....... that i'm a bloody sm.......... and y did i take on e job in e first place when i very clearly told myself i never wanna sm again after e horrible first try?
a) cuz i'm stupid and naive
b) cuz i'm naive enough to think that e 2nd time'll b better
c) cuz i wanna b optimistic and give sm-in a 2nd shot
d) cuz i'm greedy
e) cuz i'd have nothing better to do
f) cuz i see it as an opportunity, a stepping stone to get to know more ppl
g) cuz i over-estimated myself and am takin on more than i can handle
h) cuz i wanna gain exp
i) cuz it's wildrice
........... can i think of any more?
i nearly got myself and ivan heng killed today............ very wise move eh? i'd have turned e whole theatre circle against e quah family...... and that wld b e end of my career in spore...... or even asia........ i dunno what possessed me to not check for oncomin traffic and follow e car in front blindly.......... and i REALLY mean killed......... if e car travelling towards us hadn't been more alert and swerved and hit e brakes, and ended up a mere metre in front of reuben in a weird position, i wld b wormfood now and reuben wld have a concave right side......... what's wrong w me? is God tryin to tell me sth? i really think i'd get involved in a car accident one day........ really........... i even entertain thoughts of dyin in a crash......... very comforting....... i just dun wanna crash and burn........ just crashin alone's fine.............. leave out e burning.......
mayb i shldn't get hitched or married........... so i won;t have to account to anyone......... so if anything happens to me, there'll b less heartache in e world........ and i can do whatever i want whenever i want without anyone bothering me............ good.
give me my space........ i want my space..........
as cherrie said, it's weighing e pros and cons and deciding that u want e pros enough to decide to live w e cons.......... life's a gamble, nothing's ever definite....... u can't even count on ur loved ones........ u can only count on urself....... and have i decided? do i want blessed love and warmth and commitment? or is it swinging fun and endless partying without havin to answer to anyone? only time will tell
Wednesday, October 29, 2003
have done list
- memorised mono
- found venue
- completed vca video and gotten it on vhs tape
- went down to idp to hand video to john tan
- dug for my poems
- dragged myself to poetry slam halloween!
- liaised w cinderel-lah! sm
- got my 'venetian'
to do list
- call sm after myopia show tomoro to see if they need me tomoro and to schedule for wed
- head down to scgs for poetry slam meeting
- go to post office to send my video myself
- email vca, idp, john tan
- cash in cheques
- pick up my starbucks tumbler!!!!~!~
- read notes frm e underground
- memorise arty party scripts
- get maglite bulbs
God is amazing list
- had WAY lotsa fun at poetry slam!
- evrything worked out cuz not needed for workshop today!
- finished my video in record time!
- feeling really happy and un-cramped!
- got to know funky ppl!
- someone paid for my valet parkin!
- gotten away without payin for valet parkin at zouk e past 4/6 times!
how wld i feel if someone thought i was gay? really have no idea......... hmmm......... wld b VERY FASCINATED....... amazed....... curious......... interested......... offended? dunno......
Tuesday, October 28, 2003
 | The Big Five Personality Test | | Extroverted | |||||||||||||||| | 62% | | Introverted | |||||||||| | 38% | | Friendly | |||||||||||||| | 58% | | Aggressive | |||||||||||| | 42% | | Orderly | |||||||||||||| | 60% | | Disorderly | |||||||||| | 40% | | Relaxed | |||||||||||||| | 54% | | Emotional | |||||||||||| | 46% | | Intellectual | |||||||||||||||||| | 72% | | Practical | |||||| | 28% | Take Free Big 5 Personality Testy do we hafta feel obligations? y can't we just do what we wanna and not hafta feel obliged to do what other ppl want us to do? sigh........... and i thought i wld b free after this................
to do list for today and tomoro
- complete vca video to mail to vca by first wk of nov
- memorise mono for vca
- find a suitable venue to film e video
- get e video down to a vhs tape
- find time to bring e vhs tape to idp
- liaise w my sm bout cinderel-lah! wkshops
- look for poems for poetry slam
- drag myself to poetry slam
- get involved with poetry slam on 30thnov
- work out schedule w sm to make time for poetry slam tomoro and on e 30th
w do things have a way of piling up on u all at e same time?
20 times sex, 20 times sex
on a much lighter note, (and more fun note) reh today was wonderful....... eheheh...... and i thought it was gonna b a lil awkward and funny........ well looks like my fears were unfounded........ was rehearsing for e sexual abuse scene today...... haven't had such simple fun in a long time........ haven't had such a workout in quite a bit.......... it's really quite fun to have a guy touching u and u havin to act all scared and frightened like he's up to no good when u know he's not goin to go any further... AHAHHA~! but like cherrie says, she gets to have fun 3times w 2 guys, but i get to have real fun w the guy.................. ehehhe......... life is fair isn't it? HAHAHa~! kiddin mate.........
it's funny how 2hrs spent tryin to work out how to get physical w a stranger can make u more comfortable w em than 2yrs sittin in e same room w a classmate.......
'come to uncle........ come sit on uncles' lap.............'
oh yes, how could i resist................ how would i dare to resist.....
how do u resist someone w bulging biceps, triceps, u name e works.......... who looks like he cld crush a coke can w e crook of his elbow? and i thought i was strong........ AHHA!~
i think i'm losing it........ gets cranky under stress......
Monday, October 27, 2003
throw behind the furrows of tomoro....... leave the troubles of the present......
let's be superfluous........ let's be materialistic......... let's be frivolous............ and indulge................
$75
$357
$89
$999.99
$100
$199.99
 Gucci 18-kt white gold with diamonds, total 0.25 carats. 0.2 inch width
$1020
 Gucci 18-kt yellow gold (available in white gold)
$930
 circular G dog pendant. "gucci dog enscribed".
$150
$350
$350
$405
gimmi gimmi gimmi
Saturday, October 11, 2003
is distance the only factor?
so near yet so far...........
mayb this is what they thought of when they invented the internet.........
here we go again
que sara sara
whatever will be, will be
the future's not ours to see
que sara sara
if things are gonna b the same 5years later, i wouldn't change a thing......... i wouldn't know how to change a thing............. what if your best is just not good enough? how long can u depend on the ppl around u? 3years? 5? 10?
so much to say, that so little is said.................. so little to do, that so much is done........
so many things to think about, yet so little is thought about...........
this is y i wanna get a digicam
Friday, September 19, 2003
"... I should think more. I don't think enough. People say so much at these parties, they say a lot. I'm just in it for the... I don't know..."
it really makes u wonder where all these people's thoughts come from......... it's like they spring from a never-ending source of thoughts and observations and memories........... me? i feel like a cipher............ is it cuz i'm still green? of is it cuz my mind's just 'not there'? i don't remem much bout e plays i've watched, i don't think much bout e books i've read and e plays i've watched......... if thoughts occur to me while/after i've read or watched sth, so be it........ i won't make e conscious effort to go think.......... which is something i should do............ as a striving theatre practitioner i should be actively thinking about and processing all e alternatives and subtext............ but i don't.
i'm too lazy......... how can i strive to become sth greater when e body is willing but e mind is weak?
i read reviews and i'm like 'i wish i cld think like that', much less write like that............ i like to write, i like e part of writing where e thoughts just flow and i get all into it.............. but i dislike e part where i need a starting point, a yardstick by which to measure myself.......... e part where i need to think......... i like that i get all into e writing and get carried away, such that to understand what i'm tryin to say u gotta b perfectly intune with what i'm tryin to put across........... yet it irks me that such a quality deems me to b an unsuitable writer for e masses.......
i wanan write for people.......... yet i'm afraid of being told i'm wrong............ i wanan write for me, yet i don't know where to begin............ i wanna spread my words, yet i'm afriad of being judged.............
i just don't get inspiration.......... i wanna do reviews, yet i know i never could.......... what would i write about? nothin intelligent wld surface....... i'd b too afraid to pen it on paper........ nothin too in depth wld b revealed........ i'd b too lazy to think beyond what is given to me on a platter.......
courtesy of hannah's blog, thank u for having a digicam......
i love this picture.............. solitude, strength, stability, isolation, pride, determination, confidence, poignancy, sth contained, ready to burst to life, filled with anticipation, courage, beauty in imperfection, radiance, life, a rock of ages, filled with a lasting presence, achingly perfect, heartwrenching, me, vulnerability, ephemeral.............
i feel the picture encapsulates all that, and more............. it holds memories, thoughts, ideas, and more so, all the magic and beauty of the theatre, and all e things untold and unsaid........ like apparitions drifting amongst the throngs of life, briefly touching against each other for an ephemeral moment before vapourising into the thick air of life...... to retrieve the moment of spiritual connection is impossible......... similarly, to recreate a particular moment which holds true for u is like sifting through the seas for a drop of dye......... they just blend into and out of each other............. but this picture holds still.......... and though some of e magic of e moment is lost in its' imprisonment in a meaningless square of colours, a different form of truth reaches out and strokes the soul of e needy........... beautiful.
Monday, September 15, 2003
things are really going to be rather different around here........
slowly, gradually evryone's leavin, one after e other............. shld i count myself lucky i'm e last to leave? i always did prefer watchin ppl leave instead of leavin ppl................
if anything, i think i'm stronger now? least i dun think i cried an ocean when ling left......... a month ago i think i wld........... maybe cuz i'm numbed after havin so many ppl leave....... e sense of loss hasn't set in yet........ as of now i'm still numb........ in a limbo....... not really thinking or feeling anything.................. but i'll get used to it... gradually.......... it's a learning process, and i think i can take it...........
i laugh and shiver w dread now at e thought of leavin next jan.............. it would be highly comical if i were bawling my eyes out and not able to thank e ppl who came to see me off properly........ hehehe........ that wld b a real sight.............. then again........... wld there b many ppl to see me off? i dunno..........
wld i feel sad? excited? i have no idea..................
silly me........ got catch22 for ling to read on e plane as a farewell book cuz i think e book's really a gem man.............. and i forget to bring e book............ not very smart are we? i guess i've only got myself to blame........ shld have kept me room neat and tidy so it wldn't have been lyin under a pile of brochures and leaflets and library books and unwanted papers....... sigh............ but just as well........ readin on planes puts e lady to sleep........ and she might have arrived in england w a headache and motion sickness....... so mayb it was a good thing i forgot e book............... ***bites lower lip***
Thursday, September 11, 2003
as promised ling...............
 Maki - "Truly Rare"
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What would your Japanese name be? (female) brought to you by Quizilla
now i wonder what that means.......... eheheh............
tired.... goin to bed........... nite..........
Saturday, September 06, 2003
and slowly u realise that u've grown more isolated frm e sphere that u once sought so much comfort and warmth in, and at e same time have acquired a much larger world in which things revolve on a far greater axis........ yet due to this the objects are much further away from e core than they once were.......... is this what growing up is like? to add is not to increase, to add is to dilute.......... now where have i heard this before? is this what's happening?
tired.
Friday, August 29, 2003
and when u thought care bears were a thing of e past,
 Gay Bear
Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You? brought to you by Quizilla congratulations. you are the kiss my ass happy bunny. You don't care about anyone or anything. You must be so proud
which happy bunny are you? brought to you by Quizilla
Monday, August 25, 2003
three more weeks and i'd feel three times as empty................
six more months and i'd be torn between bursting with emotions and collapsing inward with emptiness........... ripped apart by abstract powers which are so dominant my life......... if ever there was a "which mental element rules u?" quiz, i'd b a total 117% ruled by my feelings.........
i can't take goodbyes........ i've never had to say goodbye before, and now, i've had to face only 2 goodbyes in e past 5months and it's more than i can take......... how can i imagine 3 more in e next 3 weeks? all on e same day? how can i imagine e infinite amount of goodbyes i'd have to face 6 months later, when i'll be leavin evrything and i'm on e other side of e glass now? it would be infinitely worse.............. wouldn't it be really great if i cld just magically appear in melbourne? no goodbyes no planes no hassle....... and just appear....... even as i am now 6 months away frm leavin, any mere flitter of e thought wld put me in a crumble......... it would gnaw at me like nothing else........ even as i walked down e corridor yesterday morning towards counter6, i felt e incessant gnawing..... reminding me of when my brother left, bringing back e sruge of emotions........ telling me now that hannah's leavin......... e foreshadowing of when i'm about to leave.......... i'm already picturing myself walkintg thru those gates........ and it's something i cannot help............ cannot bear.............. Lord knows how much i wanna put it aside, but i just. simply. cannot. do. it.
it just gets worse
i am weak
i know that, and e mere thought of it kills me........... it makes letting go all e much harder, and it takes all i can give and even more to keep a clear vision..........
i am weak
i feel it in e pits of person, and so i pretend to be strong in other aspects of my self.......... i pretend not to care, so that i will not be plagued by situations which call for me, so that when e time comes to caring, i can pretend i don't give two hoots and hide in a corner by myself, writhing with agony......... perhaps it is cuz i'm a histroinic being......... i'm too selfish and volatile to give myself to others............. which is prob y i never wanna b a teacher............ and prob y i'll live my life out alone and empty........... cuz i'm too scared of losing a part of me....... u can never lose something u never had........
how do ppl do it? i have no idea....... maybe i think too much........ i feel too much........ which is good........ and bad.......... life is made up of dichotomies....... we are dichotomic characters, each and every one of us......... we are e essence of life............... and oh what a hassle it is tryin to live up to life's expectations....... i don't know y i cry, i just do........... and is it bad to do so? nothing in life is ever good or bad, it just is, and yet i feel so, wrong........ like i shouldn't be crying...... yet i do.......... and i dunno what it is that makes me do so or why i do so or how i do so............ am i so weak that i can't even hold back some as impotent as myself? it's not like it's e end of e world, but it's e end of something.... something that matters to me......... and is a part of me............ e death of a some part inside me.......
am i such an easy book to read? do i break easily? y do i always shortchange myself, compromise for others?
these are questions that don't matter, yet plague me to no extent.........
pls Lord, give me strength, something which i don't have, yet i try so hard to pretend i do.........
life is an act, and it's all about how well u can play it and manipulate urself to camouflage the feelings and emotions that course through u........ evryone is a born actor....... it's just how well u fit into others' skins........ those who don't do so well take up normal professions....... those who mould better become thesbians......... and i'm tryin, i'm tryin my very best to keep up the performance......... life is a play in a play......... and e only thing that's holding me back r e emotions......... e floodgates that cannot be controlled no matter how i try......... ***no pun intended, at all*** e emotions just flow, and i can do nothing to stop em....... i can be, but i cannot not be.............. to be or not to be is not a choice at all..........
Saturday, August 16, 2003
may the good Lord shine a light on you
make every song you sing your favourite tune
may the good lord shine a light on you
warm like the evening sun
- Shine A Light, Rollin Stones
yes truly...... the Lord has indeed been very kind to me........... even though i am most undeserving and unworthy of it........ He has reminded me not to forget why i'm doin all that i am, that all that i do, it is with a greater cause, that i practice my art for Him. thank u hannah for askin me to TAGS#4 and makin me realise, and not forget what my bigger purpose is.... not for self-gratification, but for Him.
today couldn't have been more wonderful......... i've not felt so joyous and loved in a long time..... and it's not an exuberant explosion of joy....... it's a kind of silent rapture that quiets e soul............. i feel peaceful and at ease, though i admit i wanted to bite off e head of irritatin security guards....... but i don't recall havin calmed down and eased my anger so quickly and quietly before....... it's e silent encompassing arms of warmth that envelop u and make u realise that there's no reason lettin all these ephemeral human temptations and disturbances trouble our state of peace and cause turmoil within............
small things : i made someone laugh..... a genuine chuckle and i could hear from his voice e lightenin of his mood....... it was late, and he still had to work...... but it made me feel glad that i did my bit to make things easier for him.......
i communicated pleasantly w my folks and told em e good news(which i'm gonna get to later) and my dad chuckled flippantly, yet i could sense how proud of me i made him feel........... and knowing that i made my dad proud makes me happy.........
i made it for TAGS#4 and it made me glad that even though i had a long day and i was tired and i couldnt find e 'circular building' and a certain paranoid security guard pissed e pants off me, i kept my cool and cooled off before e show so i cld enjoy it and it made me pleased that i kept my word to a friend that i would, knowing e hard work they had put in........
after like months of owning a certain untitled rolling stones song which i LOVE, i finally found e title and even lyrics of e song....... and it just completed e day by closing w e message.....
e cues for 'Balance' r really easy and all our runs have been nothing but smooth.......... and i'm startin to actually love e script....... it's beautiful... poetic and lyrical.......... sad, yet hopeful.......... i discover new meaning evrytime..........
okie big stuff......... : ***from least big to humongous***
- i'm havin rehearsal for STAGES tomoro... quite scary... but i'm gettin geared up for e scene frm macbeth....... it's a kinda mixed trepidation-cum-looking-forward........ weird........
- i signed e contract w tworks today and secured $300, half of my pay........... meaning i got more money in e bank, after cashin in $680 that day...........
- all my rehearsals fit in nicely side by side!!~! no dead-clashes!!~! i don't really have to sacrifice anything for another~! no opportunity cost~!
- went for a readin at dramaplus today and guess what??? i got another part in their schtour!!!!!~!~ it's 40shows!~ and i think e cast is nice~! e guy i did e readin for was GREAT!~ very nice friendly handsome ang-moh guy...........
it's all these little and not-so-little things that make me see e wonder of e Lord and how He can lift my day and thru such material and insignificant things make me see His love for me. these things may seem small or insignificant or even material, but they mean sth to me..... they all have symbolic meanings........ it's His way of guiding me on where to go, which way to turn, His way of assuring me that i don't have to worry too much, that evrything is safe in His hands............. but of course...... i have to b active too and listen to His calling and act on it....... if i don't find someone with a dvd player and vcr player and tv which are highly accessible, e audition video won't magically manifest on e tables of vca and monash and i'll magically get accepted........... which reminds me, i'd better stop procrastinating........ e Lord has been good to me and i should do my part for what i want too.......... i feel loved........... ***beambeam***
Saturday, August 09, 2003
the dream car
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On-Board Equipment
Steering-wheel mounted paddle change
GPS satellite-navigation
Cruise control
Security system
Self dimming rear-view mirror
Hands-free phone
Rear parking sensors
Xenon headlights and wash system
CD changer
Auditorium 200 hi-fi
Travel and Interior Trim
Personalized sill-cover
Skyhook active damping
Carbon-fibre trim
Veneer trim
give me that and i'll give u speechless undescribable rapture
Wednesday, August 06, 2003
i miss tsd
i miss e security of knowing that in time to come, u'll definitely have a piece to perform.......... regardless of whether it's a good one or a shitty one, and knowing that u can choose whoever u wanna do it w........
i so desperately wanna asm for e play faulkner's in, sylvia.... but bummer it all!!!~ i'm tied down to lights for tworks....... ***growlgrowl*** damn my bloody morals for making me stick to it.......... i wish i had e audacity and guts ***or lack of morality*** to just dump e lights op job and jump over to i-theatre for e asm........... Pros: it's good exposure....... i meet more ppl......... it'll b more fun............ i can make more contacts........ i get to do other stuff........... prob hafta spend less hrs than at tworks........ it's in a less ulu place than fort canning........... all e crappy logistics and possible probs prob all occured and have been settlled........... haven't had any proper rehearsals w em........... Cons: i break a few hearts ***and mayb my own neck***........... i'll b blacklisted by one of e bigger companies in e microscopic sporean theatre world........ i'll feel mighty bad............. i'll go to hell............ they go thru hell and turmoil tryin to look for a new op at such short notice........... i'll go thru hell and turmoil at not keepin my word.......... i lose a few friends............ i'll get a bad name.......... and e list goes on.........!~ urgh!~ okie........ stick w e crappy job i got at haunted hill.......... it might turn out more exciting......... ***snortsnort***
big dreams
just realised TWO other ppl r applying for vca...... great........... as if e odds weren't bad enough........ and it just keeps on comin!!~! mayb i've gotta start thinkin of plan D............. or mayb i've just gotta start thinking........ harumphf~~~!
u think mayb in life they should implement a reward status thing? whereby if u accumulate enough points u get whatever u what? think that would make life better?
.
..
...
i thought not too.............
oh well, it was worth that brief moment of bringing it into existence.........
but what if u want something badly enough to wanna bring it into existence? there's like a 67% of things not being able to work out yet u wanna have a shot at it.............. is it better to linger in painful obliviousness mingled with hope or to know e sad truth that annihilates all wishful thinking?
i can't decide.........
Quotes from Long Ago
" I love acting. It is so much more real than life. " -Oscar Wilde
" He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed." -David Frost
" Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh. " -George Bernard Shaw
"Life is a tragedy for those who feel,and a comedy for those who think. " -Jean de La Bruyère
" We experience moments absolutely free from worry. These brief respites are called panic. " -Cullen Hightower
" The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man. " -George Bernard Shaw, "Man and Superman" (1903)
" Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. " -Mark Twain
Wednesday, July 30, 2003
i conclude that if u're of e right age and know e right ppl u can get anywhere and anything.
it really makes u wonder whether talent is what u really need.......... all e cliched crap aside............ a gal whom was a writer, not performer was just givin stuff a try and auditionin just foe e heck of it... that was months ago.............. and now she's appearing in a play................. i'd b lying like a slimy lizard thru my crooked teeth if i said i wasn't envious like hell............ if u're e right age, have no commitments for e next millennia and know a few high and mighty ppl in a few dark orifices, then hey! u've got a part!~
how many ppl wld s.e.r.i.o.u.s.l.y consider a young(read:inexperienced), passionate(read:idealistic), willing to commit(read:cuz nobody else wants her) gal and give her sth of consequence to take up? they've prob frightened their pants off bout u not even screwing up!
and they say all's fair in love and war? this is war~! again discrimination and typecasting ppl!~ GRRR!
mayb i should just be content to spend e rest of my life as a brilliant lights op and sew my piehole up considering i at least have a stint that pays (though peanuts) while others don't............. yet that's not enough~! anyone, be it a tom a dick or a nancy can be a lights op~! it takes only a lil something else to b a brilliant one and that's called an sm........ and if e company's too stingy or poor to get one, then we resort to cue sheets!~ there ain't no doubt bout it, bein a lights op is NO CAREER........... it holds abosolutely zilch career prospects........... hell~! no self respecting person wld call emselves a professional lights op......... PLEASE!~ it's like referring to cows as bovine creatures and allligators w bad breath as part of e raptor family........... get over it! urgh!~
maybe i need a life........ hey! i've got a better idea......... i need a role!~ or mayb i just need reassurance.......... either way, i'm not goin to get any, cuz this game's just way too tough to play and i doubt i'm goin to plough my way thru it even though i am ploughin my mindless head thru it
i just wonder if i'm gonna emerge all filthy and eroded, or if i'll submerge.........
Monday, July 21, 2003
it really sucks when u know that something's wrong and u wanna do something about it and help out e perosn that u care so much about but u can't simply because u're separated physically, and u know that if u were there u wld be able to make such a huge difference and feel so much reassured that u've got evrything under control even when it isn't.........................
imagine being away from ur family
and e people around u are all related, in one way or another.......... sister; brother; boyfriend..........
and u're just...... the friend.............. how does that feel? and u've been such a pushover and a real huge softie that u can't say no to em about anything but can only bottle things up and get all miserable and upset and e only chance of a consolation is a line that stretches hundreds of miles away................
u get pushed around, bullied, manipulated, taken advantage of, and u find it difficult to stand up for urself cuz all along u've been to nice and they've just gotten comfortable with exploiting u and u can't do a thing not to stand up for urself and put a cap on this manipulation cuz it wld sour e friendships........ e people closest to u.......... or so, u thought.................
how does that feel?
i wouldn't know............. but i can only imagine...........
yet it feels just as bad thinking about it and knowing that there's nothing i can do to help make things easier..........
i might risk spoiling things and causing a bigger rift than there already is, or i might cause more hurt to e person i so care about cuz his so-called 'friends' might over-react and start turning e tables on him and he's all alone and defenceless..........
i wish so badly that i was there to stand up for him and make sure that things wld be okie, and even if they weren't okie, that at least he wldn't be alone............. so badly..............
Tuesday, July 15, 2003
i don't know............
taking a break........... from thinking........ from being...............
The kids 'round here look just like sticks
They trade old licks with a beat up six
I just smile and catch the groove
Gothic girls all dress in black
Serious as heart attacks
It takes a little bit of getting used to
The old man with the whiskey stains
Lost the night forgot his name
His poor wife will sleep alone again
And it ain't hard to understand
Why she's holding on to her own hand
It's midnight in Chelsea, midnight in Chelsea
No one's asking me for favors
No one's looking for a savoir
They're too busy saving me
I've seen a lone,sloane ranger drive
seems her chauffeur took a dive
And sold her secrets to the sun
And later in a magazine
I finally figured what it means
To be a saint, not a queen
Two lustful lovers catch a spark
And chase their shadows in the dark
Someone's getting off tonight
Of a big red bus that's packed so tight
It disappears in a trail of light
Somewhere someone's dreaming baby it's all right...
It's midnight in Chelsea, midnight in Chelsea
No one's asking me for favors
No one's looking for a savoir
They're too busy saving me
Midnight in Chelsea, midnight in Chelsea
No one's pinned dreams on me
No one's asking me to bleed
I'm the man I want to be
When Chelsea girls sing...
It's morning when I go to sleep
In the distant dawn a church bell rings
Another day is coming on
A baby's born, an old man dies
Somewhere young lovers kiss good-bye
I leave my soul and just move on
And wish that I was there to sing this song
It's midnight in Chelsea, midnight in Chelsea
No one's asking me for favors
No one's looking for a savoir
They're too busy saving me
It's midnight in Chelsea, midnight in Chelsea
No one's pinned dreams on me
No one's asking me to bleed
I'm the man I want to be
The man I want to be,the man I want to be
Midnight in Chelsea
Tuesday, July 08, 2003
log 0250hrs: have ceased to think
have recessed to mindless activity and e occasional inconsequential ponderment upon certain practical matters and affairs that require more than just airy wisps of thought.........
have fallen in love w a musical......... ***again***............
realised that watching musicals a second time is more enjoyable.......... least for me...................
goodbye chicago, hello moulin rouge
absolutely love adore worship obssessed with taken by absorbed overpowered by ewan mcgregor's voice......... especially when he bursts into song with a resounding diaphragm supported note............. captivating...............
i wanna marry ewan mcgregor (in character, singing)
forget sex; courtship; flowers; kisses; love.........
just give me a cut-out and a stereo............... and i'll give u a happy girl................
beauty freedom truth love
i believe in those.............. does that make me a true blue bohemian-wannabe?
nope
does that make me an arty person?
nope
does that mean i'm a sap?
nope
it just means i'm an idealistic blob who's blinded by her own fantasies and doesn't recognise e world as it is................... sad sad sad............... ***clink*** to e saps...........
log 0314hrs: told u she's ceased to think and recessed to e airy depths of fantasy.............
log 0315hrs: it's easier to sit back and let thoughts occur rather than to search for em in e endless abyss of frontal lobes and grey mass................. or is that what we term laziness? dunno..... too lazy to say for sure............ let e thin fuzzy line that separates em stay thin and fuzzy.............. life's easier that way..................... where evrything's anything and anything's anything.............
log 0318hrs: and just when u thought u mattered..........
u don't
log 0319hrs: things change......... people change........... situations change................. affections change.............. minds change.............. people change............... attitudes change................. mindsets change..................... reactions change.................... feelings change..................... views change........................ bias inclination..................... towards.......... away............... from.
log 0322hrs: we change
log 0322hrs: cliches remain
log 0323hrs: forever is a lie. feelings lie. people lie. situations lie. even lies lie. we lie. we are a lie. we are the lie.
log 0325hrs: funny how a funny curly thing like 'f' can distinguish e difference between a lie and life............. but then again............... maybe they're pretty much e same..............
log 0328hrs: tired................. signing off to e reality of sleep.................. or to e lull of reality............. or to e outlet of escapism from reality.............. or e reality in our escapism................ sometimes all we are is a lie........ how we live is a lie........ what we live in is a lie..............
log 0335hrs: poker faced
Thursday, July 03, 2003
meet ASTRO!~
 
he's a REALLY whiny dog!!~ eheheh......... just place ur hand over his furry paw and hold it in place so he can't move and he'll start whining!!!~ ehehhe.......... continue holding it down (without hurting him of course) and he'll start yelping!!~! he's such a loveable pup!!~!!~ only 4 months old!~ w scraggly hair....... but it makes him all e more cuter........ a maltese westhighlander...... hunting dog.......pure white~! but he steps all over ur face and hair when u're sleeping and he simply lovvvvesssssssss licking pppl!!~! i miss him already....... sigh.......
here's roy
he's so fat........ that when he fights w other dogs he just sits on em....... eheheh........... and when he walks he can just trot happily along and suddenly plop down on his stomach with his legs sticking out, like an animal rug....... ehehe........ so cute~! and he's got lovely fur! it's really thick and soft and it's a beautiful shade of malt brown with a touch of white on his nose, head, tip of tail, and four paws......... but his face looks really like a hamburger........ ehehe.......... and he's a really naughty dog......... he'll deliberately shit and piss in ur face and step all over it just to spite u if he feels neglected......... what a gem eh?
and here r e two of em, sitting together just after they've been taught a lesson for chewing e rubbish at home while we;re out........ tsktsktsk.......... u gotta b harsh to discipline ur dog man.......... and it really hurts us more than it hurts em......... their hide is SO thick!!~! especially roy's!!~! my hand hurt like hell after slapping his ass!!~! but they look really adorable don't they? don't u wish all children wld b just like em? ehehe........... 
and now we see a lil family portrait......... e lil cuddlies r just so adorable......... sigh.........
    
enough of boring ppl!!~!~ let's see some breath-taking scenery!!!~! melbourne is a beautiful place........ great fresh air........ wonderful landscape......... ahhhh....... what more to ask for? perfect for relaxation and losing of all e urban problems.........
beautiful lush greens....... if u look really hard u might see some white sheep on e hills......... ehehe........
   
almost like postcards aren't they? picture perfect...........
just a lil sneak peek at cezzane......... our new inherited doggie....... wonderfully grouchy dog who growls whenever u pat his ass or start humming some circus tune or squeeze........ especially at night........ ehehe........ weird guy........
    
he's cute ain't he? looks just like a cow.......... what w those black and white patches of his....... eheheh
see e similarities?
see e greater similarities??
AHHAhAHaha!!!~!!~!
he's looking really stressed and constipated now cuz he's afraid of e crazy cow...... eheheh ***hannah wld know y......... e cow's mad....... it's totally our of control......... eheheh*** he looks as if he wants to get as far away from e lil battery operated stuffed thing which looks almost exactly like him...... am holding his chin to prevent him from zooting away!~
oh sigh....... i miss melbourne........... e big shot trams............. e funky seats that face each other.......... e ever-present graffiti......... e refreshing cool/cold weather.......... e chilly winds............ e puffy breaths early in e morning and at night........... e cold tiles.......... e trashy tv.......... early morning jerry springer........... late night gay drama shows and more-than-real reality shows......... a whole stretch of road dedicated to italian cuisine........... italian 'gelati' that wld give hagen daz and yami yoghurt a run for their money......... chinatown........... e cannot-make-system of paying for ur public transport......... e already-dark skies at 6pm.............. e refreshing delicious smoothie 'boost' that tastes just like ice cream thru a straw that still has long queues despite winter.............. e superbly confusing road system.............. e beaten cars on e road.......... e crazy parking fees.......... e laid-back lifestyle.............. e friendliness and open frankness of e ppl............ e walks thru e city............ what i miss most of all is e company i have there.............
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