fallen leaves

2 Jan 2003
in 7hrs time, official school resumes and i'm left where i am: a separate entity from it......... somehow, i feel caught in the middle, in a limbo, between the innocence of schoollife and the complexity of work........ i'm neither here nor there...... i can't fully detach myself from the notion of going to school, neither can i totally place myself in working........... this inertia of not wanting to leave the past, the safety net of 12 years, along with the uncertainty of which path to take into the future...................

i feel cut off from my world...... right now i'm sitting in my room scribbling on a notepad i haven't touched in years, with the radio turned on next to me for the first time in months........ i hardly listen to the radio nowadays, as opposed to 4 years ago, when it was my companion 24/7............ i remember telling my aunt once, in pri5, 'I'd die without the radio'..........ha............ look how far i've come......... now i reminicse those days, when i didn't have to worry what i'm going to do for the next 6 months.............

i miss going to school

i miss sleeping early cuz i gotta wake early

i miss packing my bag the night before

and right now........ the radio's paying an old, all-time favourite of mine............ brings back fond memories of much-forgotten times, and a few tears...........

This romeo is bleeding
But you can't see his blood
It's nothing but some feelings
That this old dog kicked up

It's been raining since you left me
Now I'm drowning in the flood
You see I've always been a fighter
But without you I give up

Now I can't sing a love song
Like the way it's meant to be
Well, I guess I'm not that good anymore
But baby, that's just me

And I will love you, baby - Always
And I'll be there forever and a day - Always
I'll be there till the stars don't shine
Till the heavens burst and
The words don't rhyme
And I know when I die, you'll be on my mind
And I'll love you - Always

Now your pictures that you left behind
Are just memories of a different life
Some that made us laugh, some that made us cry
One that made you have to say goodbye
What I'd give to run my fingers through your hair
To touch your lips, to hold you near
When you say your prayers try to understand
I've made mistakes, I'm just a man

When he holds you close, when he pulls you near
When he says the words you've been needing to hear
I'll wish I was him 'cause those words are mine
To say to you till the end of time

Yeah, I will love you baby - Always
And I'll be there forever and a day - Always

If you told me to cry for you
I could
If you told me to die for you
I would
Take a look at my face
There's no price I won't pay
To say these words to you

Well, there ain't no luck
In these loaded dice
But baby if you give me just one more try
We can pack up our old dreams
And our old lives
We'll find a place where the sun still shines

And I will love you, baby - Always
And I'll be there forever and a day - Always
I'll be there till the stars don't shine
Till the heavens burst and
The words don't rhyme
And I know when I die, you'll be on my mind
And I'll love you - Always
- 'Always', Bon Jovi

i know now what i'm feeling: fear..... insecurity....... uncertainty......... my own vulnerability............... nothing for certain now............... the 6 things that i said i'd do after the 'A's, i'm only actively pursueing one now: drumming, skateboarding, hockey, church, driving, theatre........... all have been benchmarks on my life...........

i realise too i haven't been blogging the past few days................ nothing to blog, i tell myself............ i dunno what to say, how to think................ now i see it's a defense mechanism....... the refusal to accept; to integrate; to ponder the now life i'm entering................. it's like how if you don't open your eyes you can't see the evil standing before you and so it doesn't really exist......... at least not right there and then..............

i'm thinking of lofty now and my vision blurs............... things will never be the same again and i cannot do a thing about it.............. the first tear rolls slowly and reluctantly down the left cheek........... a symbolic recognition and shedding of past withheld life and memories.........................

my room is still in a state of post-'A'level mess................. tsd, lit, math and even econs notes litter the table in a vaguely familiar organized mess.................. beside which sits the golden package from prom which the 'bikini' came in................ my pencil case sits regally stop the mess........... i probably wouldn't touch him in a long time to come................... still remember how i used to insist on putting the pens in only in one uniform direction................. well.................. who's gonna take them out now?

everything lies in a state of half-decay, half-creation................ Regeneration is a process of decay............ how i couldn't agree more at this point of time.............. it's time to leave the beautiful past behind and venture into the future............... the radio's now playing enigma's 'return to innocence'............... when will that ever come about?

my most vivid memory? lofty, sitting with fong, liz, hakim and me on the day of our tsd pracs......... 2hrs before the exam............... at the stone table........... with the musky dawn behind him and us shedding silent furious tears............................ tears of pure anguish, desperation and helplessness................... the union in the utter crumbling of our pillar of strength............. the moment was totally filled with pathos................ 4 souls sharing a common goal and common failure staring in their faces........... 5 months have passed................. yet it seems an eternity away................ the feeling; the passion; the ideas; the motivation............ have all but faded................. and another tear falls.....................

the father yells from upstairs for me to go to bed............. some things don't change do they? but it's all different.................. the feeling...... the mood.......... the situation.............. the person............................ they've all changed, evolved, in their own way....................... some in sync with each other, some not............... i am still the same person i was 2 years ago, only different................ i have changed, i have grown.................. i am different..............

i don't ever wanna stop writing, cuz i know the moment i conclude this it's a symbolic closing of a chapter of my life, possibly the chapter of my life, the one where i learn about life, people, and their relationships, the hidden unspoken laws of the real world.................... i hate to leave it behind, yet i have to........... i can't bear to take the forward step, yet i wanna know where my feet will lead me................... i'm scared to explore, yet i wanna venture............. i need a guiding hand, yet i wanna be independent................. i don't wanna mourn, yet the mind is weak..............

I don't want to to wait for our lives to be over,
I want to know right now what will it be.
I don't want to wait for our lives to be over,
Will it be yes or will it be sorry?

0017hrs
2 january 2003