somehow, everything seems so surreal.... went to e tavern yesterday night,. like the last time i did, and it felt so same, yet so different......... things have changed........ the music was good regardless, possibly even better than the last time, the cheeky bartender was still around......... but that was just bout it........ no doubt it was more crowded than it used to be, but the feeling i derived from within myself was different.......... it was as if something had been lost within me.... a certain loss of innocence......... that i'm now part of those old mature people... no longer the young preppy student bursting with energy i used to be.......... now i blend in with the rest of the crowd, tired old, jaded............ when i used to feel as if i stuck out, vibrant, young, fresh and ready...... now i'm beaten and weary............ it's funny what freedom does to u......... or mayb it's the fight toward freedom that's drained me............. i dunno......... all i know is, i'm tired.......... more so than i used to be............. even durin our junior days, our tiredness was always driven by a secret adrenaline outlet which we could tap from any moment we wanted to............. now i'm just tired, beaten down, old........ but i does feel good to be back on the streets and prowling............ living it up.......... well......... not exactly......... considerin that my parents regard me as ***quote*** "You're still a little girl" ***unquote*** bummer............ just when i thought i had almost everything going my way............ some things never change do they?
i realise i've somewhat ceased to think.................. i get tired, caught up with events, excited over stuff.............. and i conveniently forget to work that mass of grey matter of mine.......... it's easy to get caught up with normal day-to-day stuff........ outings, jobs, friends, having fun,....... and forgetting the aims you set before it all began...... whatever happened to wanting to get experience in theatre? after sending out two emails to wildrice and theatreworks and not receiving any reply from either, i've conveniently slackened and let my goal slip out of sight............ and when the time comes and i haven't gotten anything done, it's so easy to just push the blame to then and say it's cuz they didn't reply me isn't it? for a single tree to grow from seeds, the fruit has to produce like tens of seeds.... of those tens, only a few do grow into trees............. successful people succeed only because they try more, and fail more than other people........... and do i have what it takes to succeed??? i fear to find out.. but isn't that like half a step to total failure? throwing your fruit away and not even trying for fear that your seeds will not flower?
Life's Ironies
it seems when you're crazily obsessed with someone that person couldn't give two hoots about you, and seemingly didn't even know bout your existence......... much less get your name right...............
then when you're finally over that person, well........ least you ain't the crazily obsessed self-professed drooling idiot over him anymore, he finally noties you and comes over and you actually have a nice conversation filled with laughs.................
just when you think you're on cloud nine, getting pumped up back to crazy obsession, you realise he has a girlfriend.......... ouch.............
such is life isn't it? how it lifts you up only to let you come crashing down............. but nevermind.......... we should have been smart enough by now to let that fact sink into our puny denial minds, just that we're too caught up with wonderland and thoughts of smiley rabbits in pyjamas.........
if trees could think.......
if trees could think, wouldn't they be so completely totally bored out of their minds? standing on their roots all day, 24/7.............. well........... i'd say it's the same as us looking back on neanderthals and saying they were stupid and technologically inadvanced........... we're all on different planes, there's no room for comparison is there?
we don't wonder at why and how birds can fly and we can't, it's a given fact.......... it's all parts of the gigantic collosal clockwork of life that clicks together so wonderously.......
thought of the moment
i wanna know what goes on in the mind of antonin artaud......... or bertol bretcht........
to think, or not to think?
fong says, he doesn't like to think too much............ it messes up the mind, and makes you a confused messed up person who doesn't know what you want and what's right and wrong......... but he said a long time ago that it's bad to stone, for the mind just stagnates, and it speeds up dementia........... so isn't there a contradiction already at work? doesn't like to think, but doesn't wanna stop thinking......... a balance has got to be struck.................
but stagnation is addictive........... so's thinking............. the more you slack, the more you get lulled into the mental inertia quicksand, and soon you find yourself stuck in a rut, with a non-working brain........... yet the more you think and question, more questions emerge and you realise you have an infitiny of question pouring into your head, with no answers........ you then become a walking confusion, debating on whether jay-walking is right or wrong.................. it's a catch22 situation isn't it? which came first, the chicken or the egg?
had a really fun time on the road today, despite being pulled over by the traffic police, who wanted to check my pdl and my instructor's driving license, ic, and instructor license............ i swear s'pore's becoming paranoia-land............. there were traffic policemen in tampines, and back at kampung ubi, we saw another 4 other traffic policemen........... honestly, which moron would learn driving without a pdl? which idiot would teach driving without a qualified license? we're really producing elites in this country eh? real efficient and smart thinking individuals who're gonna make up the future generation of singapore and lead her on ahead in the competitive world..........
and once again, i'm back on planet earth, settling into the comfort of life and inactivity, worming my way through life as a slug, jobless and aimless....... for e next 7 months at least............
should i at least get a 9-to-5 job? something stable? with shifts? or something one-off? there's no hard and fast way about this, yet i realise the hard and fast way's what i'm searching for............... so do i compromise myself? or do i continue my lofty aspiration and hope that lady luck shines on me?
Wednesday, December 18, 2002
confessions on the road
the past four days have been spent on the road, from s'pore to ipoh; from ipoh to penang; from penang to cameron highlands; and from cameron highlands back to s'pore.......... and alongside to the continous monotonous drone of the coach engine were the thoughts, confessions, feelings, views and experiences of two eighteen year olds, common in thought, thinking and upbringing, yet different in experience and lifestyle.............
in the span of four days, facades and external influences and societal expectations were thrown aside as two souls sought to attain communication and emerge with answers to questions long ago posed, but unanswered..............
religion fear death sex relationships friendship life family values morals aspirations dreams anger fun happiness
all these were shared and it seemed as if they were both defects from a master block, for their mindsets were so similar, liberal in mind yet conservative in heart............. yet at the end of the four days, the two part and return to their normal lives, back to their friends and cutting off contact with each other til the occasional 3 or 4 time a year annual family reunion.......... and when they do meet again, it's as if this level of understanding, sharing and communion never existed........... yet a split has been breached, and will always remain etched in heart, til time and wear erodes it away......................... and it's back to 'hello', 'goodbye'.............
existencialism.......... jean paul sartre was right............ things exist only right here; right now
