"i'm amazed at how much you can talk, how much you can write on your blog and how much you can speak" - jiayin

it seems pretty ironic that while she said that, i was going through a phase where i was feeling really tired and lazy, that i couldn't be bothered anymore to pen down my thoughts and think, that i was more content with quoting books, people, songs, and was happy expressing myself in single words....... well....... it leaves more room for free thoughts doesn't it?

wrong

as i contemplate on it, and as i read my friends' blogs and saw how long they were, about prom and the memories and thoughts it sparked off; about thinking back and the meories and thoughts it sparked off; about events and the memories and thoughts they sparked off, i realised i was accepting the 'careless complacency of the normal people'.......... it was all along on the back of my mimd, just that i refused to admit it, to contemplate it, to even consider it, to accept it........... it's amazing how much effort has to be put into wanting to think.......... and how much easier it is to attribute all this is being tired................... tiredness is like our form of escapism, our foolproof way of escaping the harsh reality and pulling this veil of our own tiredness over other's eyes, such that they cannnot see our escapism, our retreat, our insecurity, our fear, and our reality............... as of now, i'm tired.......... i'm mentally tired, from thinking............ i give myself the reason, or is it excuse?, that i'm still actively thinking, that i still think, just that i don't pen it down......... how true is this? only i would know........ but i don't........

Angie, Cherrie
simply beautiful.....
i read your blogs, and they both nearly made me cry....... they were beautiful......... especially cherrie's......... for you made me realise, made thoughts and feels resurface in me that i have let sink.............. that i've let the lull of inactivity pull me in............. while everyone way hyped up about the prom, i was half dreading it, what with all the preperations for the performance we werew forced to put up......... i realise now, that i was so engaged in seeing and experiencing that negative side, that i couldn't see the positive side, that everyone was beautiful, that we were all, in cherrie's words, princes and princesses........ that we were all perfect, everyone was blemish-free...... grudges and ill feelings were put aside for that brief 6hrs......... it was magical......... the banner was beautiful, the atmosphere was hypnotic, the music was great, the experience was entrancing............. the moment was ephemeral................ yet i didn't see that.......... only now, 5 days later, i realise my myopia, my folly, my self-absorption, my immaturity, my lack of insight, but it's too late isn;t it? but i don't regret....... rather, i look forward to life, that from this failed experience, this successful lesson, that i can embrace life with a wider peripheral vision, to see not only what's infront of me, but also what lies along the sides, that is less noticed, but more beautiful, the path less travelled, less mainstream................
as angie said, she refused to removed her makeup and sat in the hotel room in her gown, refusing to take of any part of the disguise that she had put on for prom....... for it was a symbolic removal of everything, of her life in vjc being over, that everything had come to an end, the refusal to let this truth take place, wishing to prolong the moment, even if it was for a minute............... it makes me think of our self-induced myopia, our unwillingness of acceptance and self-denial......... of self-deceit, for we are all capable of it........... i don't chide angie or blame her or mock her......... i acknowledge her........ her bravery in being able to see the inanity of the act, the acceptance that it doesn't help a thing, yet still doing it all the same.......... it's like sitting in the cinema after the show has ended, watching the credits roll by, not budging from our seats..... we wanna bathe in the moment, to prolong it for as long as we can, for we know it's all over..... and never to be relived........... such is life.......... but how often are we able to accept this? to stand against it face-to-face and shout to it's faceless face? how many of us dare to stand up to this anonymous fiend in our lives and challenge and taunt it, knowing full well in its hands it holds the marionette strings to which we are attached to? and in turn how many of us are able to see these strings tied to our feet? to not trip over our own feet in trying to avoid tripping over it? and when we do, how many of us can confidently admit it was our own carelessness that caused us to trip, and not blame it on our puppet strings?

while i was reading cherrie's blog, stevie ray vaughn's 'tick tock' was playing....... Remember, Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock people, Time's tickin' away, in company to studying geog, econs, lit and tsd, and learning about God's daily miracles which place our hearts in awe, understanding the news which we take for granted and turn a blind eye and deaf ear to, leaving with words, our constant companion through life, and about life itself, about ***quote*** Passion. Wit. Reality. Independence. Dependence. Communication. Illusion. Mask. Humans. Relationships. LIFE. ***unquote***

this past two years has been an experience for me, it was the experience..... often, i tend to look at people, and wonder whether they see any part of life that i see, if they view life as all hunky-dory, or as a blind grope along a dark alleyway...... i still do........ when you're standing on top of a mountain and are taking in the crisp air picturesque view, you gaze down and see the tiny ant-like figures and realise that's your kind you;re actually looking at, at other humans..... and you wonder if they've had they opportunity to share this experience as you've had....... and you wonder how they live their lifes, whether they've been enlightened, and you feel a certain sense of complacency, that you're higher than them. and that you're enlightened......... have you ever felt that way? cuz i do......... and it's this complacency that gets down, for it lifts me up unnecessarily............. is it wrong? or is it right? or is it just normal? i dunno.... i'm inclined to think..... and i'm left with a gaping hole staring at me for an answer........... so when people tell me i shouldn't be pursueing theatre, that "that's not who you are", that "you're not cut out for it", that "you're attracted by the fame and fortune", that "you don't know what it's like", i feel a certain indignance, a certain anger rising in me, and these are viewed as the careless complacents of the world....... how would they know what i'm like or what i want? they aren't me.......... all they see is the common misplaced side, the stereotyped picture of the common public...... they don;t see the sacrifice and blood and tears gone in............. they don't understand what i've been through in tsd, and they never will...... it's like a kindergarten teacher telling lofty teaching is a bed of roses and that kids are angels....... right......... better luck next time........... and so i leave this computer, as determined as i was when i first sat down, and as enlightened as i was when i first started typing, nothing changes very much in life does it? absurd theatre.......... see....... tsd has done me some use hasn't it? ***cynical laughter***

went for the red hot chilli peppers concert yesterday, and someone preached my own words back to me.... "never regret" the moment's gone, and nothing we do can change a thing, so where does the regret come in? what place does it have in our everchanging lives? nothings changes and nothings stops....... what good is regret? it seems i've managed to impart my words to another, have i? regret is like taking one step forward and two steps back.......... cliched as it sounds, but it is..... unless it's creative regret, which is hardly called regret at all............
after the rhcp concert, all the more i want matchboxtwenty to tour singapore......... it's wishful idealism to continue hoping, plain cynicism to kill my hope as they don't even know where singapore is, and creative optimistism to hope that one day they'll have a huge enough fanbase here for them to tour singapore.......... see what i mean? creative and destructive hoping........ not to forget plain airy wishing...........

One night while sleeping in my bed
I had a beautiful dream
That all the people of the world got together
On the same wavelength
And began helping one another
Now in this dream universal love was the theme of the day
Peace and understanding and it happened this way

The sick, the hungry, had smiles on their faces
The tired and the homeless had family all around
The streets and the cities were all beautiful places
And the walls came tumblin' down

People of the world all had it together
Had it together for the boys and the girls
And the children of the world look forward to a future

Remember
Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock people
Time's tickin' away
Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock people
Time's tickin' away

I had a vision of blue skies from sea to shining sea
All the trees in the forest stood strong and tall again
Everything was clean and pretty and safe for you and me
The worst of enemies became the best of friends

People of the world all had it together
Had it together for the boys and the girls
And the children of the world look forward to a future

Remember
Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock people
Time's tickin' away
Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock people
Time's tickin' away

Remember that, remember that
Remember that, remember that

People of the world all had it together
Had it together for the boys and the girls
And the children of the world look forward to a future

Remember
Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock people
Time's tickin' away
Remeber that
Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock people
Time's tickin' away
- "Tick Tock" , Stevie Ray Vaughn

or as billy cogan sings, "the world is a vampire"........ it's up to you which way u wanna look at it....... destructive vs constructive.........