i'm so tired, so so tired.............. in erwin's words,
well............. easy for me to say........ it's so often we talk big, put on false bravado, only to hicken out and succumb to peer pressure at the last minute.........
i have not had a decent night's sleep ever since the a's started................
i woke up at 5 fucking a.m. today....... so don't nobody tell me not to get pissed........it's the least u can let me do.......
there was a bloody blackout at my house......... conveniently while my parents are away on holiday........ again........... why does shit always happen when u're least prepared to accept it? bloody freaking hell........... woke up cuz e air con was off and it was a freakin hell-hole in my room....... at 0513hrs........ by e time e people from e public utilities board came it was like already 6?? and by e time they were done it was 715.......... so much for sleep....... and i was supposed to meet soe people at 9 ...... like thanks man.......... there goes my sleep........ FUCK......... okie? that's my sole outlet of expression........ i can't say a thing, neither can i do a shit when everybody else is getting worked up and losing their heads and their cool, talking pessimistic......... u know......... pessimism doesn't really contribute much??? gee..... didn't take me much to figure that one out.......... bloody freaking hell......... just dig me a hole and i'll pay you to loan it to me, least i can have some peace and quiet and rest there............
three straight days of meeting early in the morn.......... lastin till late after noon.......... faced with an answerless question thrown in our faces....... i didn't finish my a's to be thrown into this shit.............. what's w e prom crap? can't we just all go along merrily and have fun? bloody hell........ this is turning out worse than ever............. why's it that such things always happen to me? things that are 'supposed to be fun' always become monsters in the end................. it was e same with faculty captain, group, and now prom?!~?!?~?! fuck okie? fuck this, fuck it, fuck it all........ i'm through with this crap.......... why is it that people act up at the smallest change in plans? can't they just keep their heads on their shoulders and THINK!?~?!?~! is that word so foreign??
?!~?!? i have enough on my mind to worry bout urs okie?? we;'re in this together and contrary to your lil brain, i AM experiencing the same shit too........ don't panic and start gettin crazy and expect
to come up with immediate answers.......... i dunno what u think bout me, but here's a start, i'm
.... gee... didn't occur to u that u weren't the only living thing in this world? how surprising..........
***accepting bl's and soulitary's challenge***
50 positive things about myself
1. I like my hair, despite it's thinness.....
2. I get complements about my smile
3. i've got a sense of humour......
4. ....... and absurd sense of humour.....
5. I always try to see silver lining around the cloud
6. I appreciate music and art
7. I'm healthy and athletic
8. I'm outgoing
9. I'm spontaneous
10. I make people laugh
11. I am loved ***winkwink***
12. I've got friends
13. My friends have got me
14. I give without wanting in return
15. I have a wonderful family.....
16. ........coupled with fights and disputes that make life more interesting.........
17............. and let's us get to know each other better even after years of living together.......
18. I am single
19. I am a part of the Arts Faculty..... was.....
20. I am the Arts faculty Captain...... was.....
21. I make up a part of 01A55
22. I belong to TSD.....
23. ....... and TSD belongs to me
24. I'm good with my hands
25. I'm a perfectionist
26. I am an idealist
27. I keep my feet grounded
28. I do not try to keep up with fads
29. I am my own person
30. I make friends readily
31. I know what I want in life
32. I keep promises
33. I refuse to conform
34. I can act
35. I can think bout others before myself
36. I have morals and values that i stick to
37. I am able to ponder about life and abstract values
38. I refuse to let life get me down
39. I am fitter than most people
40. I can hold my liquor
41. I listen to good music
42. I read (surprisingly, not many people do... really)
43. I can play the drums (least i'd like to think i can)
44. I'm capable of self-deceit! ***gringrin***
45. I can take, and make jokes about myself
46. I live in total comfort
47. My parents give me whatever i want........
48. .......... but i don't take advantage of them
49. I've got a conscience
50. I've got compassion
see bl!!!!!! it ain't that difficult!!! cmon girl!!!!!! i wanna see u do it!!!!
***gives bl a encouraging smack on her butt**
another fruitful(?) day........
ahh................ another day spent on prom performance............. yesterday was one......... today was two....... and tomoro shall be three..... boy, will i be glad when this whole thing's over.............. will i?? i dunno........... maybe i'll miss it when it's gone................... such is human nature isn't it? we never really apprecioate something until it's passed us by and then we mope about it, even if it's somwething that we kinda loathe and detest in the first place............. sigh......... the paradox of man............. but isn't that what makes us so interesting? so enticing and intriguing? that we're incomprehensible paradoxes? we're walking paradoxes who constantly evolve and change from day to day; moment to moment................
do you believe in ghosts?
it's all just a conception that lies in our heads isn't it? to the oldern people and certain cultures like tha native americans and maybe voodoo, ghosts are as real to them as technology is to us.............. it's just that when they existed, they didnm't know of technology, and in out time, the idea of technology has grown widespread and accepted whereas that of ghosts has grown obsolete............. gravity existed way before newton 'discovered' it, but until he did, gravity didn't 'exist'.......... it's the same thing isn't it? it's all in the mind........... how queer...........
it's strange isn't it? when we think back on how thimgs evolve and change from time to time, evene though
we remain the same, only our mindsets change, such ideals lacking in concrete and scientific explanations................ in a way we're justifying the enscientific with scientific methods aren't we? haha......... how ironic............ but that's man isn't it? now, even i aren';t making any more sense to myself........... just kinda proved my own point without tryin to eh?
Sunday, December 01, 2002
seems as if i've got more things lined up for me after my a's....................... before e a's, e only thing that mattered was the a's................... now? i can't prioritise........... things i wanna do, i can't.......... things i dun wanna do, i have to........ how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how?
blub blub blub.............. urgh........... ***whimperwhimpergroangroanwhinewhine***
get a grip daphne!
often, we're faced with things we dun wanna do, yet we have to in life, especially as we grow older and are met with more experiences and dilemmas........ it's kinda ironic isn't it? that when we're young, we find it easier to make decisions, yet when we grow older, decisions get harder and harder to make, and sometimes, they even put us in tough spots, where the outcomes of our decisions affect not just us, but everyone else around us................... why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why?
get real daphne!
why is it that i can never get what i want? inane things that i feel a lil inkling towards i get without even so much as a snap of a finger................. but when it comes to things that really matter to me, that i desparately want and crave for, it's so far beyond reach....... so distant that i can't even see it in the horizon.......... but the mirage created by it is so real and illusory that it leads me to believing that it's within my grasp............... why does life play such cruel jokes on me? it's fun to see someone suffer isn't it? sadistic nature of nature? then again, i realise i'm being immature and brattish, wanting what i don't need, disregarding what i have that others need.......... yet still, my greed triumphs over humility and makes me the monster that i am........... i want i want i want i want i want i want i want i want i want i want i want i want i want i want i want i want i want i want i want i want i want i want i want i want i want i want i want i want i want i want
grow up daphne!
so now i'm left with what i have, that i don't need and an immense sea of activities and responsibilities to fulfil that other's have no chance to shoot at.......... yet i hanker for more............ i want the impossible............ normal people have the possible, i've attained the probable, and now i've gotten greedy and want the impossible......... this is what power does doesn't it? it turns us into monsters of our selves that we hardly recognise, but continue nestling all the same...............
good bye daphne...
and so here she stands, judged by all, a vague reflection of her former self, she recognises bits and pieces here and there, on the whole she's the same person, but within, cracks and crevices have started to appear and there's no way she can mend them, or to fully break away from the past........ :
sad sad sad
the first thing she notices are her eyes, a glassy hollow blue, tinged with sadness and poignancy.......... her hair, a head of flaming red, is divided in two, tied together by sparsely separated bands, which form two thick locks that rest upon her chest....... her locks look as if they've been chopped off at her chest, at once thick, next gone............... the top of her head is covered by a large hat that she wears askew, and that too, is a fiery red............... her porcelian skin seems almost translucent, reflecting the red burn of her dress, and brings out her sharp blue eyes....... the red dress she wears matches her hair, and is in an ornate vistorian style, with lacings and corset........ but it's short and flares out, seemingly like a circus girl's short skirt, conplete with tassles, meant to tease and tempt.............. in her deep rich blue gloved hands, a bird of prey, a feather being plucked in her gentle caress..... next to her a male figure stands, facing away from us, in a suit and green tie......... his head? a moose's...... a figure of stance and importance, holding out on his own.........
the roads are empty and cold, in a place that seems to her like paris..... the lights are ornate oldern gas lamps........ the pillars with grand gargoyles atop........ ominous, yet disturbingly quiet................ it seems as if we're travelling at a fast pace along the streets, floating along......... or are they just apparitions?
in a corner, a white silhouette stands, motionless....... watching............ waiting........... fading......................
yet her hollow eyes seem to gaze right through you into nothingness........... or is it into your soul?
or is it fraught with meaning? too intense and pained for us to grasp?
We saw it and yet we didn't see it. Or rather we were trained not to see it. The truth knocks on the door and you say, "Go away, I'm looking for the truth," and so it goes away. Puzzling. - 'Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance'
man uses language to occupy the voids and masks the inadequacy of mankind
random thoughts i grasp........... they're all too scattered.......... and i'm too tired to organize them............
and i say REJOICE!!!!!!!!!
oh yeah!~ e exams are over............ it's the end of our dreaded formal education in spore..... forever....... wow.......... feels good? mmm........... kinda got over e elation before the last paper............................ oh well............ blurb blurb.........
crash test dummy!
went for my forst driving lesosn today.......... well..... kinda fun and scarey at the same time................
i'm tired now..............
my brain has stopped functioning since 9am this morn, since i woke up..................
i slept 5 hrs yesterday night..............
house music sucks big time............
i'm swearing off house music and trance..............
i swear the ublues band has telepathic powers....... they always wear matching colours for their gigs..........
she's a vindictive bitch who says mean things bout ppl she doesnt even know.............
obsession is a bad thing, it eats away at u.............
'got my mojo working baby, but it just won't work on you'
another one bites the dust
floundering.........................
would we have done what we did if we didn't fear?
prom is so freaking troublesome........... i dun wanna be prom queen anymore............. i dun wanna do all e shit involved w it............. it's so leychey........ wytghsdjvbfcugw
hot
hot
so hot
he's scorching
'cmon mama let me turn u on'
i can play the bass..... YEAH!~~ for one song................
retarded fingers belong to a retarded person
why won't they let me be?
why won't i let me be?
the hand you hold is the hand that holds you down
i'm tired.........
i'm so tired.................
so...................
cats............................
let me in
does absence really make the heart grow fonder? or is it out of sight out of mind?
our sight is what obscures us from the truth
rubber duckie wuckie lucky blackie
i've got people coming over tomoro...... i'd better clean up my room, my house............ oh no..... i wanan sleep in......... but they're comin over at 10..... ***mumblegrumble***
words cannot express how i feel
