The current mood of dyseluxon@hotmail.com at www.imood.com

 
The Big Bag of Random Stuff
 

 
We weren't born with a name, we were given a name. A hedgehog doesn't have a name. It's just a nameless thing with a handful of flesh and skin and a beating heart. A hedgehog doesn't even know it doesn't have a name.
 
 
   
 
Saturday, November 23, 2002
 
quote of the day , courtesy of cherrie

Speech is a freudian upsurge of a disturbed mind

cherrie wants to have her wedding in a club, where she'll just burst in and yell out "Don't worry bout me! Carry on with your dancing, I'm just taking some photos!" complete with strip dancers(for herself) and loincloths...... she really knows how to live it up don't she?
well.......... that sparked off a cog in me......... i told her i wanna hold mine in a pub.......... complete with wedding gown and everything, except that it's just a lil smokier and darker and danker and more booze-smelling than any restaurant............ but it's got great live music!! and drinks to rock you! you betcha...... what with the rainbows and margheuritas and tequilas and shots........... i'd want my husband to serenade me.......... isn't that sweet? him with his guitar and pick on stage, crooning to a pubful of people in his nicely cut suit........ ooh........ just gets to me............. i'll get trevor to sing too............. with that deep soulful resounding voice of his............ and i'll throw in a lil of rob thomas too............... ouch man............ it's gonna be sizzling......................

but of course.................... it's only a dream.................

the main crux? i gotta find someone who wants me in the first place........... tsktsk......... tis difficult............

i am not all that i seem

had a really disturbing dream today.... least i thought it was disturbing............. it wasn't morbid or sick or deranged or whatever.......... just that i've never been able to recall me dreams........... the last time i recall dreaming was like when? months ago......... i never remem my dreams............. and when i do, and so vividly, it presents so many aspects of my character all sized up in one dream...........

somewhat a reflection of myself and wish-fulfilment dream...............

we were at the beach, and ublues was playing on stage, and the whole school was there........ but i don't recall the people............. i was just hanging around with a bunch of my friends, and then one of them starts chasing me, seemingly playing catching........ i run off and along comes trevor, and i run behind him, using him as some form of a shield, grabbing hold of him from behind, real tight.......... and my catcher does not dare to come near me............ then he goes off..........
i can't remem what happens next, of if the scene just switched, but trevor and i are sitting down, him with his back against a rock outcrop on the sand and me facing him..... he asks me "Do you think you're attractive?" and i'm caught completely off-guard..... there's stunned silence for a few moments while my brain cogs set in motion before i retort him "Do you think i'm attractive?" his stunned silence goes to show he hasn't been expecting this socrates play, and he doesn't know what to say.......... i dunno if there's a gapping part of the story here, but he suddenly says matter-of-factly, "I can't mess around (or play around) with you now, i've got ct session later"........... after he's gone(or disappears), i see hannah appear from nowhere........... and exchange a few words.......... again either it's a memory lapse, or scene switch, but i'm in a room, i presume a classroom, and it's empty........... i slide the door open and justin yip's on the other side........... i think he's with a girl who's lying on the floor......... she seems passed out or something... i dunno....... and he's just sitting down next to her........... or maybe the girl's not even there at all? i ask him where everyone is and he says outside.......... so i step out, and i realise i was in a somewhat container-block-like classroom, surrounded by weeds outside.......... i see a lone pair of slippers and i try to reach them with my feet but some stupid lizard gets in my way and delays me............. i finally get to it and wear it, and i go look around for people.................. but it's empty and deserted, with the stage empty and i feel kinda lost and forlorn......... i run into my mum.......... and i ask her something....?? she said ublues finished performing........ apparently it was during the time i was in the containerblock-like room with justin.............. she said they were good, and something about my friends being somewhere down the beach....??? i dunno.............. cuz right here, i was woken up by an sms......... darn it..........


looking into my own dream, and trying to analyse it while i was sitting on the toilet bowl, i realised it spoke a lot about me and who i am, about how i feel towards certain things and people, and how the things that occur around me affect me, things that i take for granted and don't realise............... things that i know about myself but don't think the people around me do............ it was a cross between a wish-fulfilment dream and a self-awareness dream............ it was a normal dream, nothing out of the blue, but it kinda creeped me out, giving me insights into certain things i'd rather not acknowledge................ ***shuddershudder***

well......... here's my quote of the day:
Dreams are a Freudian projection of one's innermost thoughts

what's the difference betweeen God's will and Fate? the only difference that really stares at me in the face is that one's an attempt to rationalize the things that happen to us that we feel we don't deserve by non-believers in Christ, and the other's an attempt to explain the things that happen to us that we feel we don't deserve by believers in Christ....... period...........

a friend once asked me before if i believed in Fate, and i said i believe in God's will............ then he asked me what e diff was........ i set out to explain it to him........... his reply? "Isn't it the same thing? Just that we refer to it differently?" well, i adamently said "NO"......... but i didn't know how to state my case.......... i was at a loss..........

it seems that all of religion stems from our mind, our thoughts and beliefs, and our perspective of our macrocosm................ there is no real concrete evidence that dionysius or Zeus or Apollo or God exists............ we just believe they do.............. this almost blasphemy to say what i'm saying, but it's true, least thats what i feel............. it's all in our state of mind............. if we believe; we believe............ of we don't; then there's no point arguing is there? how do you make an atheist believe in the existence of God? unless God himself stands before the bugger? even so, he'd probably say we're calling his bluff isn't it? how then, do we justify this tremendous force that depicts the way we lead our lives and shapes our thoughts? it's all but in the head........... it's all a matter of faith and belief........... but isn't it shatteringly frightening to know that something so forceful is so impossible to pin down? that it's only an abstract idea that exists? where's the proof? in our 21st century advanced world, no one's given the benefit of the doubt..... the new religion is science, for it's concrete, and produces results that are recognisable to the human eye......... are we that lacking in faith? are we that degenerate?

Thursday, November 21, 2002
 
somebody shoot me

***upset***

just realised today, 6 days before my tsd paper....... that greeks was on tues and world theatre was on fri...................
i had thought all along that it was the other way round............ now my whole study schedule is messed up, and i'm incredibly grumpy cuz i prefer greeks and i think it's easier to study for greeks and wanted to get e tougher paper over and done with first before i cld get down to my greeks..........
now great................... i've got a screwed up study schedule, and i've gotta do my greeks with a heavy heart while i worry bout my world theatre................

***grumpy***

most people finish their exams tomorrow, friday, or mid week next week................ me? next friday.............. ***%^#@)*&%!%!*** (not inclined to use words to express my irritation and lack of life***

***impatient***

i just want the exams to end... it's so near yet so far............. i dunno how i'm gonna tide through the next week and a half............... somebody shoot me................ that shouldn't be a problem........... figured i got quite a few people who've got me on their hate list........... the school librarian's prob one of them..............

i miss pubbing hannah..........

i miss my vodka lime..........

i got you on my mind
i'm feeling kinda sad and low
i got you on my mind
i'm feeling kinda sad and low
no matter how i try
my heart just don't see why i can't forget you


quote of the day
"there're only two people in this world who can make me close my eyes and just sway along, intoxicated, and feel like melting into the air and blending into one with their voices........... rob thomas......... and trevor jalla..............."

somebody slap me and wake me up please? i can't go on like that......... it's freaking driving me nuts........... i know i'm crazy and obsessed.......... but this is way off........ someone please grab me by the ears and deliver a nice resounding slap to my face? please?

Wednesday, November 20, 2002
 
***jumpjumphophopsquealsquealshriekshriekgapgapyabberyabber happiness***
got e lyrics for matchboxtwenty's new song..... finally....................... ***swoonswoon***
***wild fervour anticipation***
e album's supposed to be out on nov19..... mmmm........... ***contemplation*** that's what they always say.......... oh well......... i'll just be content with disease for now........... ***excitement*** i've waited two years for this man............ boy am i perked up..........

and as usual, rob thomas sounds smooth as marble, primal, and intense..........
check out e guitar riffs during the first two lines of the second verse......... ***orgas man***
electric eclectic mmmmmm........... move over 'hella good', 'disease' is e new foreplay song...........

Feels like you made a mistake
You made somebody's heart break
But now I have to let you go
I have to let you go

You left a stain
On every one of my good days
But I am stronger than you know
I have to let you go
No one's ever turned you over
No one's tried to ever let you down,
Beautiful girl
Bless your heart

I got a disease
Deep inside me
Makes me feel uneasy baby
I can't live without you
Tell me what I am supposed to do about it
Keep your distance from it
Don't pay no attention to me
I got a disease

Feels like you're making a mess
You're hell on wheels in a black dress
You drove me to the fire
And left me there to burn

Every little thing you do is tragic
All my life, oh was magic
Beautiful girl
I can't breathe

I got a disease
Deep inside me
Makes me feel uneasy baby
I can't live without you
Tell me what I am supposed to do about it
Keep your distance from it
Don't pay no attention to me
I got a disease
I think that I'm sick
But leave me be while my world is coming down on me
You taste like honey, honey
Tell me can I be your honey
Be, be strong
Keep telling myself it that won't take long till
I'm free of my disease

Yeah well free of my disease
Free of my disease

I got a disease
Deep inside me
Makes me feel uneasy baby
I can't live without you
Tell me what I am supposed to do about it
Keep your distance from it
Don't pay no attention to me
I got a disease

I think that I'm sick
But leave me be while my world is coming down on me
You taste like honey, honey
Tell me can I be your honey
Be, be strong
Keep telling myself it that won't take long till
I'm free of my disease
Yeah well free of my disease
Set me free of my disease
 
HAPPY!~! sha la la~! it's so nice to be happy!~~!~!
***beambeam***

law and order, crime and punishment
well......... a good conclusion to the torturous half of my exams........ caught 'the dangerous lives of alterboys' today..... got me thinking........ if people do not impose inhibitions on us, it would be impossible for us to rebel wouldn't it? if rules didn't exist, then no one would break any rules would they? it's what man does that drives other man to insanity and offence................... it's all a vicious cycle, and there seems to be no way outta it.....................

was a pretty good paper today, though i didn't study too much for it, and i didn't sleep too much for it either, but i wanna thank the Lord and the people around me who have shown me His presence; His faith in me; His unconditional love for me.............. as kerri said, we're feeling slack and not exactly super prepared, yet we feel this eerie calmness in our hearts and minds, for we have accepted that whatever happens will happen, that we have handed it over to God, that we will do what we can, but we know that everything is out of our hands....... praise the Lord.......... Thank you baby, you brought serenity into my heart without realising it........ the world we see and experience may be depressive and pessimistic, yet it is up to us to govern how we wanna perceive it ultimately..................

different points of view? or just plain psychotic?
felt a lil tinge of jealousy today when i went to have a look at the contestents of the subaru impretza competition.................. standing in the rain for days on end, deprived of any human contact and human need for 6hrs, only to be allowed a short 5mins for that, then it back to the alienation with the hand on the car............ i was envious........... not because i wanna join it cuz i think it's fun and challenging; not because i'm stuck in my a's while people stand in the rain; not because they stand a chance to win a car but i dont; not because they've got their freedom and i don't................. but simply because they're doing something i'm not................. it's this envy that lies in all of us, that we incessantly hanker after what others have and we don't................. syanding, watching as an outsider, i wanan be part of it, i wanna be in it......... but when i do happen to be in it, do i really wanna go on? i dunno............. i know for one that i am not one to give up just like that, that such things are my cup of tea............... but a nagging teensy bit of me tells me it's not because of what i want or have or don't have, it's becase of what others have.................... is my alter ego right? are we humans really so selfish and possessive that we can't bear to not have something someone else has? i dunno........ and i don't wanna know really............. as they say, ignorance is bliss............... but then again, i would rather be that disillusioned girl, than the airy bimbo living careful....... i simply cannot bear the idea of being in the dark, of not knowing the real meaning of life................... is this my idealism? or is it my cynicism?

1924
happy 24th wedding anniversay mum and dad.............. hope u like the prawns i shelled for u................. doesn't even count for a little something but hey, it's the thought that counts right? u always shell prawns for me when i was young cuz i didn't know how to, and you still shell them for me cuz i dun wanna get my hands dirty and simply cuz i'm a brat........... but gradually the time will come for me to shell prawns for u........... and i'm starting to learn now, i'm gradually taking the first steps to shelling them (though still keeping my hands clean).............. they day will come when me shelling them with my spoon and chopsticks will prove to be too slow for u, but when that time comes, i will change, and i will shell them with my bare hands, just like how you've been doing so all your lives............. and 'im preparing for it, let me show you i can be like you................ i may fail or fall short, but hold my hand and guide me along, like how you've always done..........

today's been a fantastic day for me, and i'm happy............ not the typical hyper-high-WHOA!~ kinda happy, but the quiet inner-musing-and-feeling-full-of-fulfilment kinda happy................... dinner was simply wondrous.............. i don't recall the last time i felt this way.............. okie, maybe happy isn't the word for it............ it's more of.... satisfaction.............. peacefulness and resolution................ maybe it's the end of the tough papers; maybe it's knowing that everything happens for a cause; maybe it was the poignant beautiful film i watched; maybe it was the fruitful shopping trip after such a long fallow period; maybe it was the call from mediacorp asking me to audition for a role in an upcoming new sitcom; maybe it was the sight of the people in the rain, willing to endure rain and hunger and high tides from calls of nature for something they believe in and have the determination to fight for; maybe it was the dinner............... maybe it was everything................. anyhow, i feel at ease, at one with myself................. this may not last long............ who knows, it might just fall apart in the next minute, but right now i'm revelling in it, enjoying the peace and serenity it showers me with................. smiling to myself an inner smile, in the hope that this inner smile i wear in my heart will last through my life, and will shine forth to the people around me, shedding some restfulness to their inner voices too..............


Which Season are you?



~Find Your Beauty Aura~



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What number are you?

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romantic kisser



You Are A Romantic Kisser!


You'll only kiss if the mood is right and if you think you are falling in love.

Some may say you're old fashioned, but when you kiss, you see stars!

One kiss from you, and anyone will be hooked forever.



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taurus



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Monday, November 18, 2002
 
i'm a worthless piece of crap

When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fucking special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell I'm doing here?
I don't belong here

She's running out again
She's running out
She runs runs runs

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here

-'creep' , radiohead

i wanan belong there too...........

it's funny how all the elite know each other.............. whatever happened to those who don't know them? don't they get a chance??
realised that wilfred owen knows siegfried sassoon who knows bertrand russell and w.h.r rivers who knows lewis carol.......... and the list goes on...........
i don't understand why it is that all the famous people know each other.......... it's NOT cuz they're famous............ and they're from different social and professional circles......... WHY?!~~?!?~?!? someone please enlighten me???

plato was socrates disciple

and i can't think of other examples, but look around; into history........... it's bloody staring at us straight in our faces............

so if i know a few famous people of two does it increase my probability of becoming famous too?

ballocks

it's all an elitist circle

Sunday, November 17, 2002
 
well......... interesting fact of the day...... (though i learned the fact two days ago........ but i lag........ hey... cut the girl some slack)

brain matter
it seems the average human uses only 0.05% of his brain his whole life......... (note it's his, not hers.... ehehe) but we can actually fully utilise all 100%, just that well, we've just haven't been able to unlock all the unexplored potential of the human brain............. the brain's a powerful really, all that telekinesis, esp, psychic powers....... the ability to manifest pure electromagnetic waves into physical forces........ unbelieveable.............. it's mind over matter man............
well.......... einstein used 10% of his brain........ whoa....... and the clincher?? he had a bigger brain than the average human....... so logically and proportionate wise, if his brain were the same size as ours he'd prob be using like 21.7% of his brain right? but that's just a wild number........... interesting.......... what bout those with smaller brains?? eheheh............ wouldn't their 10% be equivalant to 0.01035% of the average being? mmmm......... explains the blonde phenomena..............

disclaimer: the above mentioned 'brain matter' is from cherrie........ any doubts or frauds approach her........ i'm just the mouthpiece............

always on my mind is still reverberating in my head 24/7..............

so many things to do, so little time, so little patience, so little perseverence, so little connections, so little knowledge, so little experience, so little space.......

is it all intrinsically part of us to distrust anyone else? mmmm........ we all put on this facade; this mask to prevent others from seeing the real true us, from seeing us for who we are: the naked human soul devoid of lies........... why do we all put on fronts and acts? are we but all actors in this stage of a world? is shakespeare really right all along? that 'We cry that we are born to this great stage of fools' that life is merely an endless act of futility? an absurd piece of theatre that never ends? with an infinitesimal number of minute acts that interlap and cross scenes? that 'All the world's a stage and the men and women are merely players'? if that is the case, then aren't we like the Pardoner, an actor acting as another character? changing his persona as and when it seems fit?

bippety boppety boo

Pretty!  I'm a tigerlily!
Which Flower Are You?Find out!
eehhhhh....... so funky........ ehehe **bimbotic giggle***

Ummm...I'm Crazking.
Are You Crazy??Find out!
hehehe.................

Oh YES! I'm Fairly Horny!
How Horny Are You? Find out!


What fairy tale cliche are you?

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you are "the magical being." you pop up in obscure places--a lake, the sky, the toilet--and aid the hero in his travels. damn goody-two shoes.

Mmm...I'm Ariel!
Which Disney Princess are You?Find out!
***purrs***
i like ariel.......... my fav disney cartoon.... ***beams***
***satisfaction***


Which Piercing are you?


AHAHHAHAH!~~~!
that was the clincher man!!~! okie.... enough tests for today............ sheesh...............nipple?!?~?!?~?!?!~?

 

 
   
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