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Monday, November 09, 2009
Some days it'll be really nice to just amble into a corner and sit quietly and not have to listen or try or make idle 'social' chit-chat. It's a shame that luxury doesn't exist.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
I think I'm ready to give up the struggle and go away quietly into the misty distance. We had our good times, and they were good. I guess there comes a time when the current changes and the body of water diverts into two currents. Both for the good. One warm, one cool. The can never really be reconciled can they? It was very very good while it lasted. The best of my wishes goes with you. And so they say for everything a reason. For every ending a new beginning.
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
What happens when the cracks start to show? Do you wonder if it's the beginning of the end? Do you start to fret about when the last straw on the camel's back is going be? Or do you simply brush it off as an unhappy bumpy spat of events? Everything seems to not be right these past 2 weeks. Am I expecting too much? Is my head in the wrong place? The slightest thing seems to piss me off. It seems that all those positive changes I observed in me in the past months have dissipated now that I have this massive responsibility on my back and the time I have to myself has been reduced insanely. Is it wrong to have expectations? It seems a bit naive to assume that people can live without expectations of others. Are my expectations too high? Or am I merely channeling negative energy into the littlest flaw I can find? Venting out of frustration and mere exhaustion? I need to sleep. I hate that I can't sleep when I am grumpy. I need to find a new outlet for my frustrations. I need a new source of venting.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Can anyone help me retrieve my archive? Blogger says the archival of my older posts doesn't exist. (Click on the 'Archives' link on the right and you'll get what I'm talking about) That upsets me. Can anyone help? Does anyone even know how to solve this highly cyber technical problem? :( Sad.
{ Quotable Quote of the Day }(In response to an improv based around the theme 'Letters You Wouldn't Read In An Aunt Agony Column') Dear Aunt Aggie, I would like to trace my father. Can you recommend a good marker pen?Brilliant.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Sometimes it's not that you don't want to try. You tried, and you've exhausted all your resolve and energy. Remember how it was like in primary school when you had your best friends and suddenly they were all poached by the 'cool group' but you weren't and so you started hanging out on your own, not wanting to seem to desperate by either A: tagging on to your old friends because they've moved on to the 'greener pasture' and subsequently be hated by everyone for being 'that annoying loser uncool person', or B: try making new friends and infiltrate into someone else's group because everyone's established their groups and by barging into another group you're disturbing the fragile balance of the classroom ethos and also because they know you've been dumped by your old friends and you're all uncool and desperate now and being friends with you will deem them uncool by association and hence you are the epitome of social suicide in their eyes. What do you do? You linger in the shadows of the past and fade into the background of the present, always a distant reminder of the golden years of the past, and nothing more. I always knew certain things were too good to be true. Life has a wonderful wonderfully cunning way of lulling you in, feeding you bit by bit til you're utterly convinced and bought over by it, and your past scars fade away and you start to think that maybe all those fortified walls of yours were just due to paranoia and that life really isn't all that harsh and cold. Like the trickle of water that wears away the rock, life erodes your barriers and defences. And when you think nothing could get any better, when you feel like you are riding the waves of contentment, the wave sends you into a wall and breaks apart, leaving you drenched in the trickles of your past, left with nothing but a sore arse and an ebbing memory of the rapture. And all that you treasured and thought would stick together til the end of the world, all that carried you thus far, all that you believed in enough to lower your walls and be vulnerable again, all this is snatched away from right under you, and you never even knew it. You just woke up one day and nothing was left. All that remains is the imprint where your fortified walls once stood, which you lowered for the beauteous lives to enter, and even these beauties in their own right have now disappeared into nothingness. And what do you do? Pick up the pieces and rebuild your wall? Or start gatherin a new tribe, knowing this new tribe will one day melt into the nothingness that surrounds your soul. I try not to judge, especially if the people are my friends. And maybe if you are one of those people who judge their friends, maybe us not being friends is a good thing, because I don't have to worry about you judging me, and my presence won't cause you strife. Maybe it's better this way. Maybe it's time for me to hop onto a different vehicle for my journey. Seems like the ride I'm so accustomed to has now become too exquisite for me. It's 'members only' and I'm the uncool one. How do you move away from the past when the past is a part of you?
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Everyone is unique and special in their own way. We are all unique individuals with a whole universe of back story to each and every one of us, which we oft too easily forget because of the hustle and bustle surrounding us. Infiltrating and permeating into everything we do, such that that imminent sense of urgency and superficiality becomes the quotidian, and we forget what it once meant to be real, tangible and vulnerable. No one reaches out anymore, for fear of being taken for granted, or being hurt. It's nice when someone you meet randomly, develop a nice and brief relationship with, reminds you of the more important things, and that you are unique and insightful. We all need that someone to come by every once in a while, just to refuel us, lest we get burnt out and jaded. Life is too full of possibilities and undiscovered beauty for us to fall into that cesspool of dissatisfaction and bleakness, in spite of all the ugliness that shrouds it.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Everyone has issues. Everyone has issues and problems they encounter. Everyone has obstacles they overcome and everyone has stumbling blocks they trip over. I've got problems. I've got ADD. I'm obsessive compulsive. I'm a control freak. I have a shitty memory. I fail to take many things too seriously. I laugh at everything. I believe in an ideal world that ought to exist but doesn't. I believe in the goodness of humanity. I trust people too easily. I'm too emotionally vulnerable. I'm too cautious when it comes to trusting people. I get jealous in a heartbeat. I am possessive. I can ever control my emotions. I cry at anything, whether I'm sad or angry. I take everything too lightly. I have a natural lagtime of 2 weeks. I read too much into everything. I take many people for granted. I assume there is an inherent goodness in the universe. I am impatient. I try not to judge but I do. I fell into my zone of contention. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I'd quite forgotten how strangely reassuringly good it feels to be angsty and cynical. It is very vey cathartic. Explains why George and Martha of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? are so fuckingly dysfunctional and cut-throat and wonderfully enthralling. Being to hunky-dorily happy leads one into a lull. That spark of cynicism and angst really does spice things up, doesn't it? Except of course the repercussions aren't always good. Whatever, fuck that shit. I'm over it.
Friday, June 19, 2009
I am often accused of interfering in the private lives of citizens. Yes, if I did not, had I not done that, we wouldn’t be here today. And I say without the slightest remorse, that we wouldn’t be here, we would not have made economic progress, if we had not intervened on very personal matters - who your neighbour is, how you live, the noise you make, how you spit, or what language you use. We decide what is right. Never mind what the people think. ( The Straits Times, 20 Apr 87) - Lee Kuan Yew,
Minister Mentor
*shudder*
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
And so it is,Just like you said it would be,Life goes easy on me,Most of the timeAnd so it is, He has the shorter storyNo love, no gloryNo hero in her sky......... And so it is,Just like you said it should beWe'll both forget the breezeMost of the time
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
[Random Thought of the Day]I guess some things last forever and some things just have a natural 'best before' date that you never saw coming.But that's life, hey? We move on and along. Just as natural selection takes place and the weaker species dies out, so do the intangible things we value start to dim and turn into shades of what they used to be.
Friday, April 17, 2009
I guess there'll always be moments of change and flux, and everything is constantly in motion. I feel like my life has reached a hiatus, and everything hangs on these 6weeks. How will I fare? How will I hold up? How will we hold up? Do I have the discipline? Do I possess the talent? Can I get my head around this paradigm shift? Will we mesh or clash? Everything and everyone I held dear to me has almost erased themselves from my life. Save for my family, it seems like the tide of transition has hit my universe, and as much as I try to clutch onto the past, those very things elude me. Is it time for an upheaval of my world as I know it? I guess all I can do is go with the flow and if the ebb and flow of life brings things and people further or closer to me, then so shall it be. One can't resist nature, that would be mere retrograding.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
I don't think I've experienced this sort of zen and calmness is a long long time. There is so much to do and potentially freak out about, but I am neither freaking out, nor getting my head bogged down. Positivity is sooo underrated. 'Nothing will come of nothing.' And similarly, positivity will breed positivity. It's karma of a different level. I will be happy and good to others because I choose to. Not because there is something in it for me at the end of the day, but because I want to be happy and nice. And that will start the cycle of happiness and niceties. And being nice to people I care for, or even people I don't know, makes me feel good about myself.There is no secret, it's all just mind over matter. You will get what you set yourself out to get. The universe will conspire against you and lead you where you want to go. You just need to be in the right head space with the right attitude.Now my task will be to maintain this attitude and mindset in Singapore.London will, no doubt, be trying, but I believe there is so much room for growth in those 6 weeks. It may seem like a holiday to most; a physical holiday, but I know it will test my mental endurance and strength and push it to an altogether higher level. 6 weeks is a lot and yet too little time to learn and grow. But learn and grow I will in that 6 weeks. The world is my oyster. Everything has worked out perfectly this far. And I believe it will continue to be a calm journey. By no means smooth sailing, but it will be calm, and I need to be calm and open and positive.I feel good about this. I am in control of my life, and I don't think there ever was a time before when I was in as much control of my life as I am now, and it gives me an utmost sense of satisfaction and joy to know that every step I take is my decision. Every sacrifice I make is my own. Every bridge is cross is my journey. This feels good. This is what I need: freedom, growth, independence, and that hint of the danger of the 'what if'. Knowing I could fall flat on my face but not listening to the nagging doubts and charging headstrong into the challenge. I know what mettle I am made of and I refuse to be brought down by my ego.One needs to throw away the ego, ignore the judge on the shoulder, to do great things. And I am ready. And I believe have the right companion to boost me along the way. I am truly blessed. And I have had too many people randomly telling me things along the way to reiterate that decision and give me support for me to develop any doubt in myself.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Life Dreams and ArtMy last post was on my birthday. These days I don't have much to write about. I am happier, more content, closer to bliss. I have my share of stress and pressure and uncertainties, but I choose not to wallow in them and wear myself thin over things I have no control over. Nor do I allow myself to be pushed around by the faceless mask of authority. I have nothing to lose but myself. I still have my moments of quiet reflection and these days I think about more than before. And they run in larger circles than before. And the leave off on wider arcs than before.Another death, and... I just don't understand people anymore. Why can't people just stop, drop their egos, and look outside of themselves? It's not about what they want. It's never about it. Life is larger than that. Supposedly mature honours students bitching within an ensemble within a month of training; family insisting on their way and wanting things to work for their personal best interests instead of acting in the best interests if the whole family in a bereavement. Just reminds me of my own fucked up extended family. And what might possibly befall my own family in future. I'd like to think it, but sometimes, blood doesn't run thicker than water. You want it to, but it takes more than just effort from your side.The next 2 months will be interesting. 2 months of unemployment and travelling and lots of second guessing myself, and throwing caution to the wind and sacrificing once-desperately-sought-after big breaks for that path that I know exists in the deep woods but which I fail to see righ now. I know I will get my hands on it. Not now, but this perseverence will pay off. And I will be on the peak of that mountain that many deemed unscaleable. Discovering new things about myself. I'm excited.And I chose this path. I made it happen. It did not merely fall into my lap as some might think. Along the way, there were tough decisions to be made, and I made them. Some may prove me righ, some may prove otherwise, but I have grown wiser. And more weary. It's not all about luck and what-not, it's what you choose to sacrifice. You risk big, you win big. End of story. If you're unlucky, you end up back at square one, but that's the risk I'm willing to take. Not because someone allowed me to, but because I paved it for myself.
Monday, February 09, 2009
I guess if you really want this; you've ached from day one for this to come by. And now it has. But the situation's kind of tricky. Lots of manoeuvering to be done. If you really want this, you'll bloody hell fight and bleed for it to happen. It's funny; you badly want something but it doesn't come your way.And one fine day things switch about and what you want presents itself to you, yet there's countless obstacles and you're not so sure if it's attainable in practical terms, and if you fucking fight for it, you'll get it. But you hesitate, afraid of finally getting your hands on that thing that eluded you for ever. Shed off that fear and hesitance. Just fucking fight for it. Head on. And you won't regret.I know it all seems so fucking unreal. It's too good to be happening. But you deserve that much.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Let it all go up in smoke and flames. Isn't that nice? Forget the past, the good times, the foundation, all that time spent nurturing and what-not. 'You're saying it just because you're hurt. You don't mean it' - Gladys How wonderful that someone has some insight into me. But I'm not hurt. I'm beyond hurt. I've no time to let myself be hurt. I'm just apathetic, how this society and the people around me have conditioned me to be. Isn't that nice? How wonderful it is to be really truly blase eh? Wish I could say I belong to that enlightened few.
Monday, January 12, 2009
I can't believe this is almost happening. Am I getting ahead of myself. Breathe Daph. Don't build it up or you will risk greater disappointment. A step at a time. Look after yourself.
Oh my gosh, I can't believe this is almost happening.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Amidst the capitalism and commercialism, what does Chinese New Year mean to us? Red Packets, buying and wearing new clothes, seeing close and distant family members (be it willingly or grudgingly), bah kwa, pineapple tarts, F&N Orange, having a few days off work, catching up with friends and chillaxing after the stressful visitings.
But looking back to thousands of years ago, Chinese New Year is the celebration of the arrival of Spring. Hence spring cleaning (cue in series of distressed moans).
Almost like a revelation. I knew that. I merely forgot it.
In another 50 years, I wonder what the essence of Chinese New Year will be. Will people remember that it's a celebration of Spring? Of the surviving of another frosty angry winter? Well, in ancient times, in ancient China, it was. Clearly not in tropical Singapore, where even the monsoon disappoints with its cool windy nights and sultry balmy days and threateningly dark skies that clear away like a noisy puppy's harmless incessant barking.
Let's not lose sight of the real essence of things amidst this capitalist turmoil.
Thursday, January 08, 2009
This is stupid. The heart is but an abstract notion. What the fuck are we on?
Cold TurkeyYou are my drug;The more I have you, the more I want you.Until I find myself spiraling in an unbreakable downward descent into a passionate obsessional frenzy of violet thoughts.It's moments after I've had you when I feel on top of the world, capable of anything, capable of even forgetting you.Then the sweetness from the interaction peels away, and I am left naked, standing out at the mercy of the faceless crowd with my heart in my upturned palms, almost begging for your benevolence.My cupped hands wishing for some of your sweetness.Just to see a smileHear a laughFashion a shared moment burned into my cerebrum. You are the hydrogen in the air I breathe.Has abso-fucking-lutely nothing of any use to me,Yet without you everything is thrown out of synch.I can't function yet I know,Either I have your utter being; Your heart and soul.Me looming like your gilded goalerYou worshipping the words I whisper, Lingering amidst my every scent,Longing for my every touch.But you are too driven for this path of limited ambitionYou are too much of a stallion for me to tame.I can neither have your devotion nor your promises for your mind switches courses like the fickle winter wind.Or I quit you.Cold and hard.Cut you off like the failed puppet master releases her lifeless beaming husks of marionettes. I will fall;I will fall like the avalanches of Everest upon those who tried to assail herI will fall so swift and heavy like the hammer of Thor upon the untrueI will fall so deep and desperate that the minions of Poseidon will fail to catch meI will fall.Yet this seems to be the fairest thing to doOh for the sweetness of the earth to gape and swallow me whole.For the blitheness of a new life in a foreign land, nameless and renewed, Seeking out my destiny with another.For a taste of what's mine.I grow old. I grow weak. I shall grow numb.And when this day comes, I will be but a shell of me.
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