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Wednesday, December 27, 2006
I wonder, I feel as if I've gotten to a point where I just don't want to care much about anything. It seems like everything is just so... mundane. That's bad. However did this mindset come about? I've no idea. I'm just sick of all the hoo-ha going on. I feel almost like an old jaded cynical hermit. What I seek, I do not find. Yet what I seek not, seems to constantly keep turning up at my doorstep. I can't help but be annoyed with all that life's cast my way, and disappointed with what it keeps away from my outstretched pleaing arm.What am I? Nine? Quit whingeing Daph. Yet I can't help it.Is it selfish of me to not want to bother with all the dramas happening around me at home? It just all seems so... trite. We've been through it before, and we're going through it again, al beit on a different scale. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but of all that's going on, everyone's got a part to blame and everyone's pointing a finger at someone. The folks think the bro's friend is spending too much time with us and sponging off us. He thinks he's not sponging cuz he treats us occasionally. Yet he's making himself tooooo much at home. That's the rough gist of it.And then there's the brother. He's a piece of work. Basically he's so entrenched in his belief that he's the king of the world and anyone who tells him otherwise, he tells them to fuck off. Hence his friend count is zero. His only friend can't talk it anymore. I have to do something about it. Thing is, I've tried so many times in the past. I've just tired of trying, he's gotta wake up somehow. I'm not responsible for him. He's 26, for crying out loud! So, the friend wants me to talk to the bro about his attitude, and the mum wants to me talk to the bro about placing his friends before his family and the friend's sponging off us, and that the bro's not getting younger and it's time to start socialising with not just that one friend. I mean, it's all seemingly trivial, but it's not. It feels like some fucking downward spiral. It's a vicious cycle, I swear. He pisses him off and he's pisses her off as a result and she gets pissed with him and everyone comes crying to me to vent. Venting's fine, it's healthy. But don't fuckig whinge. And don't all expect me to do someone. There's only one of me, and I can only do so much. Not to forget, I have my own life and troubles. Can't I just sit out? Please? It's not in my nature to handle misunderstandings and unhappy situations. I'm not cut out for handling such delicate affairs. Can't they just resolve things themselves? Am I being selfish? Just give me my corner, that's all I ask for.
This is to us Bogge.
Can anybody find me somebody to loveOoh, each morning I get up I die a littleCan barely stand on my feetTake a look in the mirror and cry Lord what you're doing to me I have spent all my years in believing youBut I just can't get no relief, Lord!Somebody ooh somebody Can anybody find me somebody to love ?
~ Somebody to Love, Queen
But to end off on a not so depressive note, this is to us (again) Bogge
Tonight I'm gonna have myself a real good timeI feel alive and the world I'll turn it inside out - yeahAnd floating around in ecstasySo don't stop me now don't stop me'Cause I'm having a good time having a good timeDon't stop me now I'm having such a good timeI'm having a ballDon't stop me nowIf you wanna have a good time just give me a callDon't stop me now ('Cause I'm having a good time)Don't stop me now (Yes I'm havin' a good time)I don't want to stop at allYeah, I'm a rocket ship on my way to MarsOn a collision courseI am a satellite I'm out of controlI am a sex machine ready to reloadLike an atom bomb about toOh oh oh oh oh explode~ Don't Stop Me Now, QueenHAPPY TWENTY SECOND BIRTHDAY BOGGE!!!!!!!!!! Rock on! With or without a plus-one~!!! You don't need an arm adornment!
Thursday, December 21, 2006
So what's this about blogging when you're drunk? Well, just to set the record straight, if I make any typos of grammar mistakes, let it be known that I'm intoxicated. Yeap. Here goes; hehehe.I am only a mouseclick away from possibly making a doofus of myself, or possibly making a great friend. Which? I have no idea. I wish I was drunk enough to just do it and not be able to sit here semi-sober and debate in my mind, guh!! Sooooooo.........?????????? Still undecided. Typical. Women, GUH!!!!~!Okie, sobering up... not good. I wonder, is there internet connection in Genting? ehehhOkie, myspace is just sooo..... convoluted... so much to keep up with, so little time for the internet. Guh!!~!~![ Quote of the Day ]Multiple exclamation marks are a sign of a diseased mind.HA! I am ssssooooo diseased I tell u. I am more diseased than a spotted liver in a can of expired baked beans.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
After having a over-reaction paranoid attack last night, I resolved to 'just heck it, suck it up Daph'. And barely 24hrs later I get a nice surprise. I feel all warm and fuzzy already. Maybe it's not me, it's them. It's what I say to comfort myself, but for now, I believe it. I can't say for sure how I'd feel in a couple of days or months, but we'll see when the time comes.It's a little ego-breaking, when I think it. Among the girls in the Honours group, I'm the only one who hasn't been in any of the plays with the dream casts. I've always been in the underdog play. I've never worked closely with any of the other girls. Will this be primary school all over again? Being the odd one out? But this time round, the stakes are raised. 6 girls. 4 boys. Very many messy hook ups. And a nasty nagging suspicion that one of the girls ain't my biggest fan. Ooopppps, I forget, TWO of those girls aren't too big on me. But I make a promise to myself that next year, my final year in an academic institution, will be nothing short of a mind-rippling journey, where I am pushed to depths I never thought myself capable, whether pushed by myself, or others. I will not let past experiences or bitchy people get to me, I owe myself this much. I will hold my head up high and my talent on my sleeve and I will trudge through this minefield and I will emerge victorious. I owe it to myself. I owe it to my parents. And I owe it to the people who believe in me and whose encouragement has never ceased.I think I need to start getting busy and proving to myself that I can do things. Get cracking you lazy whore!!
Friday, December 15, 2006
So, I'm wondering, in this world of consumerism and capitalism, where do I fit in? If you're rich, famous or beautiful, you're got it made. But if you're none of the three, where does that leave you then? Maybe it was better in ye olde times, where noone gave a damn about anything. As long as they were happy in each other's company, all was fine. But now, everyone's so conscious of bling and all that jazz that it's no longer fine to be content with merely being in someone's company, is it? And by 'company', I mean 'companionship', not 'financial organisation'.Money talks. Sad but true. (Ooooh wasn't that a perfect segue? hehehe) This consumerism is all so very dis-spiriting (if ever there was such a word), and consuming (no pun intended). Without knowing, or wanting to, you get sucked into it, and you find yourself flowing along with the tide of things, getting carried without any knowledge of your will and you almost powerless to stop it because you're caught up in the frenzy of it unwittingly. How to reconcile? GUH! I find it somewhat telling that, a grand total of four people turned up at my housewarming, and when I've got a free pass to the opening of a club, there're no takers. What's it saying about me and my life? Could I possibly be culling off people such that I've only a tiny tiny handful to pick from? Given that Quantity does not mean Quality, yes, but still. It does make one feel somewhat unimportant. Now, don't misunderstand me, this is not a rant about a lack of self-worth or whatever, it's kinda like, where's everything and everyone gone? Every now and then I see huge groups of people, not young teens, those don't count, it's probably some class outing or one of those things, but I see a group of adults and I'm wondering, How are they still so close? They can find time to go out together on a normal occasion, and the people I consider friends can't even make the effort for a special occasion? It makes me kinda wonder bout where I'm gonna be in 5 years. If it's already gonna be such a chore hanging out with friends when we're barely even a year out of uni, when people start getting promotions and bigger responsibilities and families and goal-driven, it's bye-bye old friends, hello networking buddies.Well, maybe I can say that now, seeing as to how I'm the last one left still in uni and not working and slogging for money. Maybe when I'm out there I'm gonna sing a different tune? And who knows, maybe I'll be on the other side of the dishing table, getting 'You're always too busy for us', thrown back in my direction. When that day comes, well, C'est la Vie. You get what you give.The world is a vampire. Haha, you sing it Billy boy.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
1.Suddenly I feel like a little girl all over again, standing before confident adults, wanting their affirmation and adoration, when I'm really standing awkwardly off to the side, just in their field of vision, hoping they'll look my way. And when I do catch their eye, I'm wondering, Do they remember me? I'm right where I was three years ago, things haven't changed. One day, will I ever be on the other side of the glass? Will I be in on the loop and not feeling all awkward and self-conscious??2.I feel it again, this infatuation-filled admiration that fills my very being to the brim whenever I watch someone talented onstage. Although I wouldn't say Sebastian Tan blew my mind in Jack and the Beansprout, he sure is a far cry from watching Hossan Leong or Chua Enlai, if you know what I mean. For one, Hossan and Enlai prefer the road less travelled(until recent times when it's actually the road more travelled, ironically), they don't really enjoy playing in the bushes, they prefer the singing pansies skirting the woods. Not saying for sure that Mr Tan doesn't bat for the other team, but I just don't know yet, so we'll say, for the moment, that he doesn't, though chances are that he does: MDC, Music Theatre buff, what more evidence do we need? Not saying that all guys who're interested in Music Theatre and come from MDC bat for the other team, golly, no, but most of the time, sadly, they do, my personal loss. So, anyhow, back to Mr Tan, yeah..... Good voice, rather cute face, skinny legs, and I fear I feel my yoing girl's heart start to go a flutter. Silly impressionable gullible girls, I make me sick.So I said 'Great show', after waiting for a lifetime for the queue to lighten up and standing socially inept to one side while Bogge chatted with Karen Tan, and stood more awkwardly for another period of time while people welled up for autographs, and then she proceeded to walk away to chat with her theatre friends and I felt all groupie-like and decided I'd missed the boat and told Bogge that maybe we should go, and he was in the middle of a chat with someone, and he turned and beamed 'Thanks', as he stuck out a hand, palm down, as you do, and I kinda did a double take and semi-stuck out my arm halfway too. Like, what Daph? You were hoping to touch fingers and feel a zing? But it was an instinctual reaction, but I felt like a prize fool, but I guess it was my whole 'What do I dowith myself in such a social situaton' awkwardness surfacing. Ahhh, good times. I really really really REALLY want to be part of that group of talented theatre people. I want to be respected for what I do, and I wanna do it well. So depressing. But... he's already 32, he's done SHITLOADS more stuff, both local and overseas, on Broadway, before even breaking into the scene here. And he's perfectly bilingual (I infer that from him having won some Chinese talent singing TCS show), and he can sing beautifully. Will I ever be even half as successful as he is? As Bogge says, You have to work damn hard if you want something, I know... But I'm scared. What if I slog my ass off only to have 'You just don't have what it takes, chickie' thrown in my face, it's gonna kill me. And... seeing Sebastian on stage has made me realise... I think I want to make it here. Big epiphany. Whim of the moment? I want to carve out a destiny in Singapore theatre. But, is that too impulsive a move? I know that, if I stay here for long and work here, all the artistic values that I've accumulated from TSD and Monash will just gradually vanish, seeing the level of theatre here. To make a living, I will have to do mindless retarded shit that will be all pisstakes of Singapore. You become what you're immersed in. In no time, I'll get comfortable, lose touch with theatre that challenges me, become one of the mindless close-minded masses. That thought fears me.Could I possibly be betraying myself?On a lighter, indulgent, (retarded) note, I think I've a slight crush on Sebastian. Though given my luck with men, he's probably gay.Fuck.
Monday, December 04, 2006
What am I doing What am I doing What am I doing What am I doing What am I doing What am I doing What am I doing What am I doing What am I doing What am I doing What am I doing What am I doing What am I doing What am I doing What am I doing What am I doing What am I doing What am I doing What am I doing What am I doing What am I doing What am I doing What am I doing What am I doing What am I doing What am I doing??????????!~?!?!~?????????Someone give me direction.I have to fill my days, to go from A to B and meet Tim then Robert, and proceed on from B to C from Megan to Jacintha. I can't sit on my bum all day long while my mum nags me!!~! I want purpose!!! Do I expect it to fall in my lap?? Quite possibly. The life I lead is so differently to what my parents want. How can I reconcile them both? My parents aren't the kind who let you do your shit and live your life. Fuck, they won't even let me arrange my bedroom furniture without throwing a tantrum cuz I don't wanna have a fucklong table that I'm not gonna use which will only occupy space. Like seriously, this is Singapore, where there're three freaking streetlamps on every corner you turn. And the pavements have streelamps at like, 2metre intervals?? Even if you get lost, just head straight, you'll hit an expressway within 15minutes. So I endeavour to walk home at 1145pm on a Saturday night, along the main roads, where it's so well-lit I can count the number of wrinkles on my fingers. And they throw a fit. Why waste the good weather? It's nice and chilly, which you seldom find here, I didn't feel like going home yet, so why the hell don't I just take a nice walk home? Rather than spoilt it with a car ride with a father who's probably gonna be displeased cuz I'm out til after 11pm (oooohhhhh, naughty), and I'm in a short skirt and a normal spag top, which he deems is too revealing? Seriously, you havent seen revealing til you seen Melbourne girls in clubs. This whole narrowmindedness is seriously starting to shit me up the fuckin Mount Olympus. Or maybe I should just lighten up. After all, When in Rome.
Thursday, November 23, 2006
A Pinstriped Suit Would Do Fine.I guess, at the end of the day, it's the connections you establish with people in life that make you who you are, and the degree and intensity of those connections that define you as a person. I can't help but feel somewhat lacking, when I wander into my younger brother's room and he's on the phone with his 'dear' *shudder*, and right opposite his room, the older brother is talking to his best friend. Leaving me walking down the stairs dejectedly thinking 'Fuck, now I have no excuse to put off unpacking the heaps of boxes in my room.' Of course, instead of doing just that, here I am, blogging about it. Typical. Shamaine says you want your chocolate cake, you go out and get it. But I haven't made up what cake I want. How? Do I want the double chocolate cake, or the bailey's cheesecake, or the tim tam cheesecake, or the chocolate ripple, or the cherry ripe? Damn, all this talk about cake's making me hungry. At 120am. Healthy, Daphne, very healthy. It goes straight to the hips and thighs, you know that don't you?I feel like my life is at such a hiatus. It's moving neither forwards, nor back. Just sashaying about from left to right, unsure of where to go and what to expect. I feel like a smoke molecule in a bottle, bouncing off the walls and going about in an endless pursuit of nothingness. Searching for a way out but there is none, and everyone is peering at me through the microscope.On top of all that, I need a job.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
I wonder, am I having too much fun and forgetting that I'm on holiday and can't live this way forever? But it's just so wonderful not having to worry about anything, simply because, well, there's nothing to worry about! I'm like the beach ball that'd drifted out to sea and is just bobbing on the waves, not having a care in the world. Gosh, this feels so good. Maybe it's time I started getting down to doing something.Now that I think about it, there's actually heaps of stuff to do, but none pressing. So maybe I'll drift along merrily for now, before I freak out.Maybe I'll do a list; maybe that'll add some pressure on my useless bum.Obligatory To-Do List1. Get back-up disks from Diera2. Write a new CV for scholarship application3. Do my scholarship application4. Call Fiona regarding Honours meeting5. Return overdue library items6. Check emails and reply for auditions7. Get back into drumming8. Start swing dancing9. Start tap dancing10. Take a shower, like right now. My hair's feral11. Clean up the apartment12. Pack for Singapore13. Do the laundry14. Pass Eleanor to Iona and Damian15. Put mail on hold at post office16. Look through past essays for a good one to put in as sample writing for scholarship application17. Go to the gym, GUH!!!18. Get an international gym card to use in Singapore19. Find a man20. Do my dishes21. Take out the trash22. Service Ryan23. Get my books back from Christine, it's been fucken forever24. Delete the messages from my inbox, it's full woman!25. Paint my nailsGosh, notice how the list just deteriorates into daggy girly stuff? hehehe Funny shit.26. Get a MySpace and Facebook account (*wink* to Shamaine)27. Throw out the dead flower sitting atop my telly. It's been there since Rhino... Yeap, I'm that huge of a slob. Hope a lil galaxy isn't forming in there. Hmmm, this kinda falls under no.11, doesn't it? Okie, off to complete no.10 now. GUH!!!
Thursday, November 09, 2006
--Ponder of the Day--Why do they make bird cages where birds can squeeze out between the bars?I want to get rid of that judge sitting on my shoulder; the judge that tells me that I'm not good enough; that I'm doing it wrong; that I can't do it; the judge that holds me back. Can I be so audacious as to attribute it to my conservative asian upbringing? Or is it just me? Am I just scared by nature? Or have I been brought up exposed to the notion that there is only right and wrong/good and bad, and no in betweens which encompass both aspects of good and bad? Because everything should be potentially good, and nothing should be just plain bad. All energy is good energy, no?If living is about taking risks, and as an actor I have to constantly take risks and challenges to push myself to discover new depths, how can I possibly be a risk-taking sensation seeker when I don't even dare to ask someone for his number? Just what is at stake? Absolutely nothing. And yet I fear, and envisage back in cowardice. It is this fear of failure and rejection that is hindering me and holding me back from great possibilities, and I have to seek to overcome it. That shall be my resolution for next year. If I remember it. If I dare to stand up to it.Sometimes I wonder, If I lived only for myself, would I be a happier and more satisfied person? It would mean that I wouldn't have to consider the repercussions if my thoughts and actions on anyone around me, especially my loved ones. Would that make me a better or worse person, I wonder.Am I living my life for the people I love? Or do I put myself before them? What if what I want is not what they want, what then? I know this is gonna sound self-indulgent and selfish and callous, but how can I do great things if I have emotional baggage weighing me down? Do I cast off all baggage and plunge in? Or tiptoe cautiously around the emotional debris? It's all such a huge pickle. You can't win either way.~ Thursday 9th November 0025hrsI've done it again. Less than 12hrs after I made a semi-resolution, I chickened out YET AGAIN. Sometimes I wish someone would just point a pistol at me and go "Do it bitch." GUH!!! So bloody annoying. I'd slap myself if I weren't too chicken to bear with the stinging pain.Just why the fucking hell do I not have guts, I have no freaking clue.Absolutely nothing to lose, heaps to gain. And I didn't dare. Sigh. How funny, the way the female mind works. And I whinge on and on and on and on about it afterwards. Someone should just kick me in my metaphorical balls. Such a whiner Daphne, GUH!!! God helps those that help themselves, helloooooooooo???? That should be my new philosophy. Screw Carpe Diem, baby steps now, girl. And yet another man has slipped past the elusive fingertips of Love/Lust. Nevermind Daph, there'll be plenty more, it's just a matter of whether you've got the guts to seize the donkey by the balls, and whether they're married or not, or seeing someone, or gay, or total tools, or just not into you. There'll be plenty more men in suits, with stable careers and hot cars, without a receeding hairline or a balding scalp. They just have to be into you and vice versa; that's the hard part. Guh. I think that's enough whinging for now, I'm going to go ride my smooth Ryan who's all shiny and clean because I finally got off my ass and gave him a good hard wash. See Daphs, you only get results when you get off your ass and do something, let this be an example for you, silly little goose.~ Thursday 9th November 2109hrs
Thursday, October 26, 2006
omg omg Omg OMG!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe this, three years of academic studying, reading books after books, plays after plays, tedium after tedium... I am done with essay writing!!!! (For this year, at least. Well, let's make it sound more exciting, for my Undergrad, YEAH!!!!!)OH MAN!!!! How bloody good does it feel?? FUCK YEAH!!!!!!!! It feels fucken great alright!!!!!!!!!! I am positively pumped!!!!! It's as if a weight's been lifted off my weighed down mind, and I can't stop wearing this faint shadow of a smile!!!!!!! It's great! I feel free! I feel happy! All this post needs now is for me to burst into 'I feel pretty, So pretty and witty and gay!'Oh gosh... this is fucking amazing... I feel SO good.... And now I'm going to celebrate by being a nerd and walking down to the multimedia section of the library and viewing Jean Cocteau's videos... What? The man's a genius okie... eheheh Plus everyone's either busy or already out, I guess. I'm gonna celebrate with my surrealist idol, YEAH! Sing out for the masses, uh-huh! Uh-huh! I say HO! HI! HEY!Gimmi a Heyyyyy-HO!!This feels good, this feels SO good... right, now all I need is to get smashed and pashed ehehehLiberation and frivolity, Here I come!!!
Thursday, October 19, 2006
I think God truly does work in wonderful ways. On my way through The Den some guy had a shirt on that had some really intense God-slogan, and my friend and I had a laugh about how full-on his shirt was. Butyet, He's proven himself almighty ceaselessly, all the time.I now have a pet budgie. He's fat and white with a yellow undertone, and he's got a tinge of green on his underbelly and he's got red eyes, and his name's Eleanor El Bird. I know that Eleanor's a girl's name, but a friend asked if I'd name the bird after her and I spontaneously said 'Why not?'. And now I have a pet budgie. I will go buy him/her a cage and some feed in a bit, on the way back home. I only hope he's all right and well in the box in my car. Least the car's in the shade, I hope he's having a sound sleep, cuz he's had a rough day and he's probably slightly in shock.How apt is this timing? Just a couple of weeks ago I was pining for a puppy. The only factor that held me back from getting a puppy was the fact that no one would be able to take care of him when I go home in December; a puppy'g gonna cost heaps; I don't wanna get just any-ol dog, I want a Great Dane and my tiny tiny tiny flat is no place for a Great Dane; a Great Dane puppy'll cost me two months' rent probably. Did I say 'only factor'? And so I thought I was condemned to a life of loneliness. Til Diera chanced upon the poor lil birdie sitting alone in the back lane, all alone and gushed to me excitedly about it after spending the better part of an hour playing with it. I believe this is God's way of comforting me, that there is so much I can look forward to in the future, distant or near. In this perilous time where the next two weeks stand between me and the deciding stance of my future, I guess it's His way of saying that I'm not alone. Unless, of course, I return to my car and find Eleanor El Bird stone cold dead.It hit me this afternoon that I had just walked out from the very last lecture of my undergraduate life. It was a strangly liberating yet foreign feeling. It's like having your apron strings cut and being free to roam wherever you want to. Okie, not a very good example, is it?It's kinda like... You know when you finish high school? You go 'YAY!!! LIBERATION!!' But not really, cuz you've got junior college. And when you're done with junior college you go 'HOT DAMN! I'M GOING TO UNI!!!!' But now it's kinda like 'Shit, what do I do now?' It's all very very very odd, more so now that my laptop's crashed and I can only work from the uni library, and every night at home I'm always wondering what I can possibly do, when previously all I'd ever done was go online and there was always something I could do, like play online Yahoo games. Hmmm, that says a lot about my life, doesn't it? Well, enough procrastination, I jsut found out I have to put some water for my lil Eleanor El Bird the budgie, or s/he might just die. Oopsss... I'm outta here!!
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Sometimes you just feel like... like a piece of driftwood, washed up ashore, all limp, bloated, and lifeless. Just sitting there, til you start to disintegrate and rot, only to return to the earth where you came from. Ashes to ashes, Dust to dust.Either that, or it's just the PMS talking. I personally think it's a bit of both.And maybe not getting any action for goodness-remembers-how-long.It seems as if I'm not making any connections with people here. A friend told me that the most enlightening/entertaining/thought-invoking church service she went to was when the pastor spoke of how life is all about making human connections. I totally agree. Yet somehow I feel like I'm not establishing any connections here, regardless of how hard I try. To make a connection you first have to have something in common, something that binds you together. Well, I feel as if I lack even that very first piece of material to establish a conenction with. Where can one go from there? It just feels as if everytime I try, I barely make progress. Or it gets shunned. Or stuffed right back in my face. I'm sick of this. Call me timid and scared, but fuck this shit. I'm sucking it up, and I'm moving on. I feel so disconnected from life right now and everyone in it. The connections I make with people just seem so much less important and deep that I get passed over for everything by everyone. Suddenly this seems to be turning into a self-wallowing indulgent entry. Well fuck it, if I have something on my mind, I feel I'm allowed to express it. I've been trying so hard to establish and maintain relationships with people all round me, and time and again I keep being disappointed. Maybe I just live a different reality to everyone else I know here. Sometimes I just want to move to some desolate corner and become a hermit. That would entail giving up my dreams. I don't think I'm strong enough to stick out with drawing my dreams, one after the other. So I'll just give it all up and say to Life, "I've had enough. Just let me be." Or maybe all this is just PMS talking.Or maybe I just need someone whom I know I can run to at anytime, who will not judge me.Or maybe I just need a little bit of love and attention, just so I know I'm still loved and that I matter.They say, as cliches would have it, that 'To the world, you might just be someone. But you might just mean the world to someone'. Well, I don't believe that shit. Not yet anyone. I haven't found that someone whose existence depends on me. And when I do, maybe I'll feel more prepared for this harsh harsh world.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
No One Shits JamIt's 635 pm, and I should be at home, working on my last two essays for this semester. For this year. For what could possibly be the last two essays, ever, in my life. Yet I'm in the library, using the computers because my laptop has crashed and I feel just slightly ever so helpless. All alone in an empty flat, with nothing but the telly, and I can't even go online to find out the tv program.I feel like I've reached yet another crossroads in my life. To be, or not to be. Is that really the question? Suddenly I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a Olympus and I know I'm capable of so much if only I dared to try and scale it. But I'm scared. What if I fail? What if I fall? What if I give up halfway? What if I reach the top only to find that the view isn't as beautiful as all those postcards depict? All I have to do is just turn around right now and go home to my comfy bed, where dinner awaits on the table and a supportive family awaits. Do I want it enough to dare to risk? Or rather, Do I have what it takes to keep me going all the way? I think that's the question I should be asking myself.What are my options?A. - to Honours and extend my decision on what to do with my life by a year.B. - apply for Honours and defer it for a year and try and crave a life for myself here in that year. Problems: - Who will want to employ someone with no sales/hospitality experience?- I will always be the token Asian character in whatever plays I audition for.- Where will my money come from? I need a day job to sustain myself, I can't keep taking money from the dad.- How do I break the news to the family?- How do I solve the visa problem? I can't stay on in that one defered year with a student visa, can I?C. - finish up my degree and go back to Singapore and start from Ground Zero and try to break into the theatre scene. Problems: - Will I be able to get back into the Singaporean mentality, and way of life? - Have I gotten my fill of the freedom and liberation here in Melbourne?- Will I sell out and do typical non-challenging, non-provoking theatre?- Can I make a difference?- Will my spirit diminish because it's not fed by the environment it's in?So many questions, yet no answers prevail. Peter says we have to trust ourselves. I can't trust myself. I can't even decide what I want for dinner, let alone what I want to do with my life, and if I'm brave enough to stick it through.Sometimes I think I'm just too conditioned to the Singaporean way of thinking. I want the safe route. I want security and insurance. I want to know that nothing is at risk. I want to know that I will come out tops. I want to know that I will succeed. And that very strain of thought goes against the very core of my theatrical being. Theatre without risk is not Theatre. How can I compromise these two dichotomic atoms in me? Do I trust in myself enough to know that if I work hard, I can and will succeed in being an actor and a theatre practioner? I don't know. I want someone to tell me that they believe in me. Because I don't know if I believe in myself. Maybe life is like taking on a role in a play. It's a constant discovery and exploration. And you keep hitting obstacles and problems, and sometimes you solve them, sometimes you don't. Sometimes you throw away things that don't work. Sometimes something works, but it doesn't fit in with the rest of the theme. Sometimes you feel like you can't overcome something, and you work ever so hard at it, but to no avail. And one day, everything magically clicks and falls into place, and Voila, you've found your character. Will that day come?I've been working on a monologue from Lady Macbeth for the past three weeks, and up til this morning I had difficulties with the opening lines. Yet I magically cracked it today. It was believeable. I was astounded. At that moment I thought. 'I can do this.' I picked Lady Macbeth not because I wanted to impress. Not because I thought too highly of myself. I picked it because I was ambitious and I knew I had someone there to guide me through it. Right now I need someone to walk with me, to reassure and guide me, and tell me that I can do this, that I can embark on this route that I seek. That I can immerse myself in this volatile life of uncertainty and ride the waves. I will never emerge tops. It's a fact I have to face and embrace. I just need someone to tell me that I can do this. Because I don't know if I can.To turn the negative into positive. It is possible. I need to constantly remind myself. And as Peter says, 'No one shits jam.' So true.
Saturday, September 30, 2006
I think I possibly might have seen one of the most beautiful pieces of theatre I’ll ever be witness to. An exploration of time, terror, memories,… It’s like nothing I’ve ever seen. I wasn’t watching theatre, it was like watching living art. I seriously felt as if I had been transported into a different reality; a surreal reality. The soundscape was beautiful, there was never a single moment of silence in the entire show. And no one ever spoke, it was all white noise, recordings played forwards and backwards. Instruments. Human voices being manipulated into unrecognizable sounds. Until that final moment when the male protagonist comes back on stage and calls out ‘Charlotte?’ Blackout. Absolutely stunning. And the light. OH!!!!!!!!!!!! A box was hanging from centre stage and the audience never once noticed it until it appeared in its scene. Pure brilliance. And the balcony. First you think it’s one plane that’s a metre of so deep. Then you think maybe there’re two levels and it’s a few metres deep. And more and more things are thrown in, until you realize there’s at least 5 different levels and places up there, and there’re bare tiny trees and branches standing there from the start of the show you never noticed that came out at the exact moments.
From the start, when we are gathered at a cold empty carpark and we are led up the path and we see a woman in a white gown in the distance, holding out a birdcage with light comin from within it, all the way to the pier where something is floating down the water and four women dressed in black Victorian gowns hold out a skirt that is soaked and drop it in terror, to out final destination in the old abandoned meat market, where we stand outside, waiting as our usher winds up the heavy metal gate and lowers it back down and locks it when we’re seated in our chairs, and the location is thick in smoke, and it is cold and chilly. Regardless of the fact that I am aware that I am watching a performance and nothing is real, I am still spooked out by the eerier atmosphere.
A woman is sprawled out on a broken looking box in the middle of the space, there is a balcony on our right where a man is working on his things, and eventually a woman walks in from the left, all is still dark, and you can barely see her through the thick smoke. She has a bright bulb on her chest, and her head is drenched. As she walks, drops of water drip incessantly from her chin.
How about the scene where the male protagonist chains up his wife, sets mousetraps on the floor, then unchains her and makes her dance the waltz with him. Except, they skirt round the first trap, she steps over the second, and he tilts her backwards and you witness the terror on her face as her head is inches away from the trap. Then he forces her towards the third trap, and she resists him, and breaks away from him. He takes her by force again, and again, she breaks free. Finally he overpowers her, makes her pirouette, and throws her on the ground and she barely brushes past the trap.
And the final scene, where the female protagonist has her head in the box, the four female figures clad in black with protruding spinal bones crown around her, making a cacophony, like bloodthirsty crows, and they draw nearer to her and grab her head and raise it, and there she is, gasping for dear life, for her head was plunged into water that was in the box. And as she gasps for breath, you see her breath mist up in the coldness. Now that’s dedication I say.
The way the performers have such wonderfully skillful control over their bodies and voice. I had to spend half a minute trying to figure out if I was listening to a recorded sound, or if it was live sound I heard from the performers. And the way the grey men has such control over their muscles. It was fascinating to watch them walk stealthily, like hunters, and experience an involuntary spasm in their shoulder. The action was so carefully executed and precise that no other part of the body moved. It was as if the shoulder was entirely disconnected from the rest of the body. And it wasn’t just the shoulder, other parts of the body went through the same body isolation. It was simply divine to watch.
This is Theatre, I thought. I want to do something like that, something that will reach out to my audience and spark off something in the depths of their being and make them hold their breath. That is Theatre.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Name 20 people you can think of at the top of your head, without reading the questions below. Tag 5 more people to do this quiz.Hannah!!! I tag YOU!!!!! ehhehehe and Ling, though she kinda jumped the gun, ahem... eager beaver1. Ling-yu2. Angie3. Hannah4. Gladys5. Charissa6. Shamaine7. Vanessa8. Jennifer9. Sarah10. Damian11. Daniel Lammin12. Daniel McBurnie13. Kate 14. Simon15. Steph16. Mark Cres17. Mark Wilson18. Laura19. Ying20. IonaHow did you meet no.14? At uni, through no. 15What would you do if you never met no.1? Hmmmm... I'd probably be a less stable person than I am, HA! And I'd probably go crazy, and homicidal eheheDid you ever like no.19? I love her to bits!! She's beautifulWould no.6 and no.17 make a good couple? HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, He's gay and they hit it off like a house on fire... but.... they would, but, naw.....Describe no.3. She's so wonderfully introspective and cynical of herself, yet she inspires me to better myself. She doesn't realise what she's capable of. She's like a Pandora's box.Do you think no.8 is attractive? Gosh yeah, that vortex of a mouth... mmmmTell me something about no.7. She is... well..... a wonderful person, who lives in Paterson Lakes, and needs to be more firm.Do you know any of 12's family? Naw, they're all far away eheheWhat's no.8's favorite? Poo. No, really!!!!!!! And skirts. Regardless of the weather. And cooking.What would you do if 11 confesses that he/she likes you? Hahaha!!! I'd remind him that he's gay.What language does no.15 speak? EnglishWho is no.9 going out with? Crazy Andrew. Future priest.How old is no.16 now? 32.When was the last time you talked to no.13? Gee... I dunno... erm.... Saturday?Who's no.2's favorite band/singer? Suede, Neil Codling.Would you date no.4? Hell yeah, if she would have me eheheWould you date no.7? Ermm.... naw... She's awesome... but.. naw... Is no.15 single? NOooooooWhat's no. 10's last name? ScottWould you ever be in a serious relationship with no.18? If she was a man, Yeah!!Which school does no.3 go to? UBC, but currently NUSWhat's your favorite thing about no.5? Her morbidity. And flakiness. And intelligence. And the ability to land herself in the most wonderful lucky situations, and most unthinkable crazy shit situations. And still be so full of inspiration. Have you seen no.1 naked? nnnooo.... It's not my job to, *wink*~~~~~~~~~So it's the very very much deserved one week break, yet I don't feel relaxed at all. I was so looking forward to this, to finally finishing my 3000word essay on how dance is political, and right after I hand it in everything starts kicking up like a storm again!!! and I've got another 3000word classics essay due monday and I'm due for filming and stuff over this weekend. Will it never stop!!!!!!!! And why haven't they Short & Sweet people called me??!?~! URGH!!!!!!!! So frustrating... I really can't wait for uni to end and..... And what?? I have absolutely no bloody idea. I'm jut bobbing along on the wave and seeing where it takes me. Ahhh.... such an artistic temperament. *gag*
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
I miss my Astro and Cezzane.Big Sigh.
I miss my Astro and Cezzane.Big Sigh.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Oh, a Rhinoceros!And I am done with the last show of the year, the last show of my undergraduate degree, as of 4hrs ago. It doesn't feel real, probably because it all hasn't sunk in yet, and probably because I'm bushed and can hardly keep my eyes open. I can't believe I'm finished, stage-wise, with my degree. There's heaps of readings and essays to finish, God, I've 3 to write in one week.We should all be getting seriously pissed drunk right now at our massive afterparty, the one afterparty we have been looking forward to since day one of uni. But no, instead we're all tucked up in our own beds. What a let down. I'll miss Aidan. I wanna have his babies. What shits me is that this was THE underdog play of the year. It was the 'reject' cast. We had our script only 3 days before rehs started, we got a director noone had ever worked with before (who turned out a spectacular man, and fucken talented too), we delivered a fucking strong show who dazzled and shocked people, we pulled it all together with minimum rehearsal time, and we had fucken one and a half days to bump in, for crying out loud! And when we reached the finish line with gusto and wayyyy ahead of everyone else, there was noone to receive us with the fanfare. What. A. Let. Down. It's almost as if they expected us to fall along the way and didn't bother making the effort. Well Fuck it, it's their loss. Ballocks to that, I say. Yet I can't shake off the feeling that this was a fucking splendiferous show that I was a part of, the people who partook in it did not satisfy my quota. They didn't even fucking bother recording the show. What the fuck? The one time that Peter Snow goes abroad, he misses Rhinoceros, and noone fucking bothers to tape it. Fuck this shit. They tape ALLLL shows, so why the lack of effort this time? Fuck them, I say, Fuck them all. It was a great show, and that was all that mattered. Who cares if those shitty people didn't make the effort to see it? Who cares if it's our last show in uni and we didn't bond as a cast? Who care if we had no massive afterparty to create a sense of closure and bonding? Who cares if we were the underdogs that rose out tops? Who cares a shit. It was a fucking good show. And I want to have Aidan's babies. That's all that matters.I'll see Aidan around, somehow. He'll always be doing stuff, and even if I don't catch him around, I know for sure he'll be on The Wedge, that horrible tv show. Afterall, it pays the rent.It's time to go to bed.
Saturday, September 23, 2006
I'm probably bring paranoid and uber-sensitive, but sometimes I feel as if there're certain people I know who don't really like/want to talk to me. It might just be paranoia on my side, but then again, sometimes certain things just make me wonder. It's as if they find me boring, or uninteresting or weird, of no use to then, or simply not cool enough to warrant their time and effort. Interestingly enough, the trend seems to exist only within Performing Arts. Paranoia on my part? Mere coincidence? Or simply a matter of self-important individuals? I tend to lean towards the latter. When I'm around Performing Arts people I'm never myself. I don't feel the urge to reach out and embrace people. I don't feel as if I have to right to allow my effervescent self to explode outwards. Whereas in Student Theatre I get the more homey feeling. Perhaps it's the yellow walls and tiny corner with couches, tables and armchairs crammed in. Or maybe it's simply because the people truly are less judgemental and more accepting and genuinely nicer and less-bitchy. Of course, everyone is bitchy, but not malicious-bitchy. Just gossipy-bitchy.
Friday, September 22, 2006
I think deep down, I'm just afraid of finding that one special person to connect with. Because finding him means opening up and being in his hands and totally vulnerable. And Daphne can't have that, can she? So if I shy from away from every guy that comes my way, I'll be safe. By giving the excuse that they're not what I'm looking for in a guy. Of course, I have my perfect man in mind. And that's where he'll stay, in my mind. He doesn't exist, simply because he's my ideal, and everyone knows that ideals are called 'ideals' simply because they're idealistic and impossible to realize, and the moment they start becoming real and concrete, they cease to be the ideal and some other form of the ideal replaces it. Ahhh, how deceitful we are of ourselves.So tomorrow will be the last performance of the last show of my degree(unless I do Honours, which opens another whole new bigger can of worms). How am I feeling? I'm stoked! In the morning I've an audition for a panel of directors which can sit anywhere between 20-60 people. I'm positively pumped/freaked out/anxious/worried out of my freaking mind/panicky/scared/excited/unsure/shitting myself. You get the picture. I hope it all goes well. I hope I don't forget my lines. I hope I don't get stumped and get stage fright. I hope I don't answer their questions with stupid answers. I hope I don't arrive late. I probably should stop this procrastination and get back to my monologue... Yeah... probably...Right! Enough procrastination! Hope I impress someone tomorrow!!!!!!!!!
Saturday, September 16, 2006
Today is The Day. The day I break a poor boy's heart. The day I finish my wonderful performances in Wacky Shorts. The day I close the chapter on this wonderfully colourful (literally) and enlightening experience that has seen me through the past month of shitness. I can feel myself getting pumped up. For the massive afterparty. God that's gonna be fun! And crazy! And maybe debaucherous? I dunno, I'm gonna sit back and watch the people around me get trashed and hook up. Heh heh heh. Now all I have to do is just to discipline myself. Guh. But first, into the city to do stuff. Oh wait... the shoe shop's not open on Saturdays... Fuck. Now what do I do with myself til 345pm? You know how when your days have been so packed full and you're running from one thing to the next and you suddenly get that unexpected free moment to yourself, you just kinda blank out and go 'Now what do I do???'. Thinking ahead now, but when Rhino goes into production week, well, more like production DAY, next week, I hate to say this, but I hope I don't started dreading it. It is a splendid show, *quote* "We have to gold, we just have to make it shine" *unquote* It's just that, well, I think the people from Wacky were nicer to be around. Not that the Rhino cast isn't fun, Gosh no, they're a fun bunch. But... less down-to-earth and more elitist. If you know what I mean. It's like having your bandaid ripped away from you and having your arm plunged into salt water to sterilise it. Okie, bad analogy. Makes no sense at all. But you know what I mean. It's like popping the Wacky bubble and stepping into mud. Well, not mud, more like... Rhino composte, with a bar of gold buried in it. Enough whinging!!!!! Go clean up the apartment, sort out the laundry or you'll be going to uni in your undies, and do your homework!!!! GUH! Procrastinating woman!!!! First, pay your bills. Yeap. That's a great first step to be taking.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Zings of sharp wit'I once saw underwater porn. How do they do it?''You drown.''That probably explains why they never made it big.''I love House. The last episode I saw was the one with the Jesus boy.''Asia's left of the centre of the universe. Which is New York, by the way.'Gosh I'm funny.I have reached the conclusion that I am an immensely cowardly thoughtless selfish person. I always assumed that I try my best to be considerate towards the feelings of others, yet the past few days have just proven me so wrong. I just want to disappear; wish nothing had ever happened; wish he'd never come into my life. Not because it's all terrible or anything, just simply because it'd all be so much simpler and easier. I'm a coward. I have no idea what I want, and I'm dragging an innocent vulnerable person down with me by my frivolous emotional swings.I am also an unforgiving conceited person. My level of tolerance has plummeted. I have become self-obssessed and callous, and so cut-throat I frighten myself. When you're around people who constantly disappoint you, and people who never pull their weight around and you constantly have to watch your own back and be on the lookout, you naturally acquire a certain bite. A bite you never knew you had, and you wish you hadn't acquired, which scares you because you've become the person you always wanted to keep away from. How is it possible to stay untainted in the face of adversity? I wish I could but I can't so I won't. Is that a futile excuse? Probably. But what else can I do? I'm merely human, and if the people I thought mattered to me fail to support my claim, what else is there for me to do but to get all cynical and downtrodden?I'm sticking to the theatre circle. As fake as it is, I know I can count on it to be fake. Rather than placing my implicit trust on something out of the theatre circle and thinking it's genuine, only to have it turn around and bite me in the arse. Least in the theatre I know it's all an illusion and a suspension of disbelief. It's good while it lasts.
Sunday, September 03, 2006
I fear I'm going through a spate of selfish inconsiderate indulgence. Why is it so hard to be a good person and make wise decisions without hurting anyone? Why can't there be someone to do the thinking and decision making for me? I should be cloud nine, shouldn't I? Isn't this what I've always been looking forward to? Yet why do I still feel uncertain and wary? Why am I afraid of what lies ahead? Is this not what I've been looking for? Or have I been searching in the wrong direction? Or is this simply not 'it'? I don't know. I can't think right now, it's fucking up my head. Maybe the grass is always greener on the other side.Quotable Quotes from opening night of Wacky Shorts'It's like watching a baby being born. Not that I've seen it before.' - While peeling strips of tape off a newly painted stripey wall'You're the glue that holds us together. No, you're the solvent in the glue that holds us together.' - To Anj, our darling Wacky Shorts stage manager.' "Magic marker. Doesn't wash off." But it falls off.' - With regard to a piece of faulty prop.'Cake, the best thing since sliced bread.' - Both the band and the food.Am I on a roll or what?? I'll say!
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
You know how sometimes you want to say something yet you don't really have a very clear idea as to what it is you want to express? Well, I'm in one of those moods right now. In fact, I've constantly been in that mood for the past few days. I don't know. I fear I'm fucking things up. I fear I'm fucking myself up. I fear I'm fucking my life up. Nothing really big and life-changing, no. But just the infinite amount of tiny things that take place every day. Ah well, my, my. So many things are happening in so many aspects of my life right now, it's like I'm caught in a whirlpool. I'm spiraling downward, yet I'm so blissfully unaware of it. I have no idea what I'm doing to myself, and what I'm doing to the people around me. I feel as if I'm screwing up big time. No, correction: I feel as if I'm potentially screwing up big time. Makes sense? I don't know. What am I doing? Why am I doing what I'm doing? I don't know. I think I'm just over-reacting and making a big hoo-ha over nothing really. We do that all the time, don't we all? You develop uncertainties with regards to the things you do and you start getting all philosophical and reflective and wanky in your head. Pfffft. Bloody drama students.Meh. I think I need some sleep. And quality rest. And just some time to just chill properly.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Why do I base my own expectations and judgements on others? I guess I've become so immersed in the 'theatre crowd' that I've kind of fallen out of touch with the 'real world'... have I? Points to note:- Not everyone is as affectionate and wacked as we are.- Just because we do/say/express exactly how we feel doesn't mean there aren't people who hide their feelings - I don't play mind games. Sadly, most normal people do.- Contrived flirting; one word: Eeww. - Sweet nothings and meaningless assurances: Get over it.- Not everyone understands that it's one massive (backstabbing) family in performing arts, and that what you see might not necessarily be what you get.- I am my own person, don't expect me to succumb to societal expectations of what's supposedly right, or what you assume I should be doing.Have I become a cynical defensive witch who's so scared of being touched meaningfully that she puts up all walls possible to prevent anyone from getting in? I feel like I need to cut the world some slack. But I simply can't stand cliched cop-outs! URGH! Shits me up the wall like a motherfucker! I cringe at the very core of my being!I fear for myself. I fear I've become numb to the infinite possibilities of wondrousness in the world that I've become isolated from.I think I need to hit myself over the head with the 'Just Chill' stick.Suddenly all these expectations are placed upon me just because someone thinks it's the prerequisite of an expression of interest. But... What about me?, as Shannon Noll sings, It isn't fair. Haha!!! Oppps, I digress. I don't know. I've got a whole truckload of mixed feelings and it's driving me nuts. It's cramping my style, I can't think/feel straight. I wish I could say and do exactly what I want, but I know that's going to hurt someone. Just let me go back to my happy bubble of solitude. I'm too used to that, it's gonna take more than a few sweet meaningless words and sappy cringe-worthy flirting to get me out of there and break the walls of this cold hearted bitch. Like I said, I don't play that game.You want my affections? You gotta earn them. Hard, but fair. In true Aussie style.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
And just when you thought the storm had blown over and everything had resumed normality. Sigh. It just never ends, does it? This whole matter is fucken shitting me up the fucken Goddamn wall. It's like it comes in waves and hits you fucken smack between the eyes. I'm so annoyed right now I swear if I didn't have neighbours I'd be yelling my lungs out. God. I can't handle people. Sometimes I think maybe I would be happier living on some deserted green hill with lush green grass, a pony, and a library of books. Come to think of it, it really was my stupidity which got me into all this shit. Like seriously Daph, once bitten, twice shy, no? If someone blabbed the first time, of fucking course they're gonna blab again. DUH. I'm such a stupid cunt, I don't believe myself. I don't care what people think anymore, just give me my fucken peace of mind, can?????????????? Human beings are just such fucking cunts to live with, myself included.I can't stand this entire drama.On a different, lighter note, Thank God, boys are such funny creatures ehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
And if you thought this girl was without claws, oh no no... Big mistake. How wrong you will be. It's natural selection; aclimatising; fitting in; learning the ways of the world; being smart; streetwise. Call it whatever you must, but this girl has got some bite. When you find you're pushed to a point where you don't care anymore, not totally true, if I didn't care at all I wouldn't be writing this post, hmmm. But when you find you're pushed to a point where you just explode 'That's it. Fuck it. Whatever.', that's when the mice start streaming out to play. The tiny mice with their vindictive little scheming teeth. Oh I can be sneaky, dirty and contemptible alright. You just have to push me far enough. Daphne's bark may be worse than her bite, on the rare occasion when she does bark, but ho ho, the bark's infused with a new bite now. (How bad was that pun? heheh)There's a limit to what I can take, and seriously, a person can't stay nice forever, I can't stick my head in the sand and ignore all that's going on around me. You get what you give, and if you're going to be a dirty foul bastard who breaks all the rules, don't expect me to play nice. I may not stoop to their level, that's cause I have dignity and morals, but believe me, I'm capable of dirty tricks as well.I used to think that I wasn't one of those people who played mind games and silly childish vindictive power games. Oh well, maybe people do change. They adapt. *purrr*On a lighter note, on my way out of the washroom in the performing arts centre, the door opposite the ladies bathroom door was open and I peeked in and saw the hot dude sitting at the computer doing his stuff. We'd been subtly making eye contact for a while, and I was always shy and looked away and didn't want to be too direct. But today, I was on a roll!!!!! So I maintain eye contact with him whenever he passes, at least 2 secs, ranging to 4-5 secs, which is an eternity really, when you're staring into a stranger's eyes. And whenever I pass his office and he hears me talking he'll look up just as I pass. Heh. SO, he walks pass, I'm lying on my belly in the foyer, I stare at him, he meets my eyes, we maintain eye contact for like, 4 secs, and then he averts his eyes to the other direction and there's a slight hint of a smile on his lips!! How exciting!!! Tell me that doesn't mean something! Come ON!!!!SO, bottom line is, I had a random CRAZY idea. It's merely a passing thought, I was nowhere near putting it into action. Well, to be perfectly honest, I almost did, heheh but the fear of humiliation put me off. So, I walk out of the washroom, he's seated at his computer in his office, and I have this strong urge to walk straight into his office, shut the door behind me, and just stand against the door and see what happens. Isn't that a rad idea?!?~!?~ I think it's so totally interesting to see what happens!!!!!!! Wouldn't it? Don't get me wrong, I'm not prostituting myself or anything, not literally anyway. But it's be great just to see what his reaction would be. Hmmm. Maybe I might put that idea into action the next time I get a chance. Heheh. Might wanna consult some people first. Cause they reckon he's pretty up himself and thinks he's all that. I reckon he's just a softie with a tough front who's afraid of rejection. Very much like me. Well, the old me. The new me's a tad bit more brazen and out there. Which is great! So I really should put my plan into action eh? We'll see heheh.So not only is she a promiscuous minx, she's also mean and bitchy, and a tease. Yowser! Here she comes!!!!
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....Where do I even begin? Hmmm.You know how some people just talk a lot? And I mean, a lot. And they kinda don't realise that not everyone is as liberal as they are in their speech? And sometimes, well, it's more like 'all the time', they spout gossip about you that you don't really want just any Tom, Dick or Harry to know? And they kinda exaggerate things and kinda twart things around a little? Well, I'm over these people. Like, seriously, my current attitude is 'whatever'. I can only care so much without imploding, and I'm not in a position to tell anyone how to act. So, screw it. Everyone here's so liberal and gossipy anyway, by next week I'd be old news. Unless, of course, some people keep bringing certain things up. *ironic snort*I know it's not her fault, no, she's just naturally big-mouthed, but I can't help but feel as if she's merely using my gossip for the juiciness factor. However, the thing that makes me most furious, is when she tells people not to say that she was the one who told them the goss. Like what the fuck? If you're capable of dishing the goss, why can't you have the balls to stand accountable for it? That's fucked. You don't gossip about friends. Do you? I know I wouldn't, it's just not kosher. Or maybe I'm just being tremendously naive. Oh, just grow up Daphne. Get over yourself. Geez. Maybe to some people you're just good as goss material, get off your high horse already.I can foresee myself having heaps and heaps of rehearsals in the next few weeks, and I'm thrilled!!!!!!!!! That's one thing to look forward to, except that in the 3hrs that I had between rehearsals today I had scheduled in 'homework time', to read my play for tomorrow's class. And guess what? 'Homework time' was spent milling in the PAC foyer chatting. And you wonder why I don't have time for homework, or a job. Hmmm. It's terrible, I should really start getting my act together, no more wasting of time!!! Urgh!!! Some people just never learn. Totally unproductive, but good fun. I need to put myself out there more, to not be afraid, to not hold back, and just plummet into whatever. That should be the way. Harumphf.
Friday, July 28, 2006
Just picking up on the note about picking bones by the Pompous Papadum, I really hate it when someone has an issue with you, but pretends everything is fine, but goes round behind your back and plays the victim to everyone else in your shared social circle. Given that they do it not out of spite or malicious intent, but merely because they feel like they want some sympathy and they feel like wallowing. But still, that's no excuse. You have an issue, you pick it out with me, you don't go spouting like an ass's behind to everyone who's not involved. And so everyone hears her story, and they're all too gutless to ask you for yours. And you're still in the dark, until a real friend feels you have the right to know what's been going on. I've made a subconscious decision to let the aggresive stand-for-no-shit Daphne out of her cage. I've handed over the ball to this person and it's now in her court, and she's told me that she had no issues with me, but lo and behold, what a liar. Although it hurts to cut her off, I feel like it's something I have to do. Even if I tried to ignore this issue, I couldn't, I'm not made like that. I don't want to let this friendship go just like that, yet given the circumstances, if I hold on to it, it's gonna do more harm than good. How can I establish a friendship where the trust foundations are not there? I trusted her enough to confess to her when I did wrong to her, but she misused my trust by taking it to other people and not coming directly to me. That's not kosher. If this friendship means as much to her as she says it does, then she'd come and sort things out with me instead of victimising herself to everyone else and making me out to be the vicious villain in sheep's disguise. But I do believe I'm making it clear to her that I'm not standing for it. I can't even bring myself to converse normally with her in social situations. It all feels so forced for me, I can't do it. If she doesn't pick up on that, then well, that's just too bad really. Otherwise, as much as it hurts, I'm ready to let her go. I'm not gonna be everyone's doormat anymore. I have my pride and feelings, and they're more important than friends who only care about their own feelings.But hey, isn't that the nature of this industry? Where nothing is as it seems? How naive I was to assume that I could trust what I was given. Of course not, these are actors we're dealing with here. Time for a wake up call my darling.
Monday, July 24, 2006
You never learn, do you, Daphne?Why have I been missing in action the past month and a bit? Too much to say, too litte time? Maybe. Too much in thought, too scattered to write? Possibly. Nothing to say, too busy to try? Very likely. How bout just plain lazy? That works just as well.When I was stranded in the Melbourne airport for 10hrs I had plenty of time to blog, but alas, no free internet. Bummer. But that aside, I do have ten pages of writing in my diary, waiting to be typed out in neat computer font, but nope, what's past is past. Besides, they were rather wanky anyway.The wheel has come full circle.King Lear, (somewhere in the text)It's true, everything does revolve in circles. And just as always, I am alone again. As much as I'd like to think I have friends I can count on in Melbourne, I am sad to say I don't think that's the case. And sometimes you ponder if things were worth your effort, and why you did what you did. It never pays off does it? I'm always scapegoating for someone else. Well, that's enough. I'm not going to bother justifying myself to people who don't bother finding out the truth from the horse's mouth. I'm done with pretenses. If gossip is what they want, gossip is what they shall get, but not from me, I refuse to associate myself with idle banal verbal matter.How ironic is it? You do something that lets someone down, and in being honest and telling them the truth of the matter, they let you down by the way they choose to react to your honesty.With friends like these, just let me be reclusive, I'm less troubled that way.
Monday, June 19, 2006
I have drunk, and seen the spider.And now is the time to click my heels, bring it home, clear up my mess, and then head off home, for real.That feeling of relief when you know that you've done your worth and now you can finally rest. Ahhh. Bliss. I've crossed the final hurdle, well, for this semester at least, and I am proud to say I worked my arse off for it. Staying up til 7am, past the witching hour, past the dead silence, and til the birds start chirping and the sun starts rising, well, that's always an accomplishment isn't it? It makes you feel like you really did a lot, like you proved your worth. Especially if you did so two days in a row. *taps nose conceitedly*Alright! Time to hand in those assignments, do my last lot of shopping, run my last errands for the family, get a heater for my poor tropical fighting fish who's freezing her ass off in this 'city by the bay', pack up my things, clean up the apartment which looks like a cyclone tore through it, and to bring it home! I'm all over work like a rash!
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Look what you've done my dear, look what you've gone and done.Open your eyes and look at the precipice you've uncovered. The path that once upon a long long time ago you said you would never ever tread on. Yet now, look where you've ended up. I just can't believe the foolish simplicity of the naivety and wide-eyed foolishness that has landed me where I am. Sometimes I really wonder if certain things that happened, was I asking for it?I've gone and trashed my wonderland, now I have to face the music.Something so wrong that time and again, I, We, have always been adamently been against it. Yet in the blink of an eye I've soiled my rainbow. Am I simply just plain stupid? Or am I just hopeless? I really have no idea. Why does it seem as if it's always me? Is it me? Or is it just the given circumstances?Do you want to know the worst part of it all? It that I don't even feel remotely as bad as I should. I don't feel as bad as I would have, had this happened once upon that long long time ago, which really isn't all that far back in time.Don't get me wrong, I'm not simply just getting on with my life, hair in the wind, without a care in the world. I do think about what I've done, and I do wish things didn't have to turn out the way they did, but that's the way it is now, and I'm just accepting it and moving on. Have I learnt my lesson?I can't say for sure.I hope I have.I want to have.But I can't be certain.Where has that part of me gone? It's like a part of me has died, and the new me is jaded and calloused. Like scar tissue, tough from ancient hurts and experiences. What have I done to that innocent babe of long long ago? She's somewhere inside, buried beneath all the debris, but she's taken on a new form, she's gone from physical loitering to being the emotional gatekeeper.I don't know which is better. I just can't go back to who I used to be. I can't take back all the things I've done. I'm like a piece of oil-stained fabric. You can never get the stain out, it only fades with time, but never goes away fully. From now on, you use this piece of fabric strictly for cleaning up oil, because that's what happens, Filth can only love filth.
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