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Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Life Dreams and ArtMy last post was on my birthday. These days I don't have much to write about. I am happier, more content, closer to bliss. I have my share of stress and pressure and uncertainties, but I choose not to wallow in them and wear myself thin over things I have no control over. Nor do I allow myself to be pushed around by the faceless mask of authority. I have nothing to lose but myself. I still have my moments of quiet reflection and these days I think about more than before. And they run in larger circles than before. And the leave off on wider arcs than before.Another death, and... I just don't understand people anymore. Why can't people just stop, drop their egos, and look outside of themselves? It's not about what they want. It's never about it. Life is larger than that. Supposedly mature honours students bitching within an ensemble within a month of training; family insisting on their way and wanting things to work for their personal best interests instead of acting in the best interests if the whole family in a bereavement. Just reminds me of my own fucked up extended family. And what might possibly befall my own family in future. I'd like to think it, but sometimes, blood doesn't run thicker than water. You want it to, but it takes more than just effort from your side.The next 2 months will be interesting. 2 months of unemployment and travelling and lots of second guessing myself, and throwing caution to the wind and sacrificing once-desperately-sought-after big breaks for that path that I know exists in the deep woods but which I fail to see righ now. I know I will get my hands on it. Not now, but this perseverence will pay off. And I will be on the peak of that mountain that many deemed unscaleable. Discovering new things about myself. I'm excited.And I chose this path. I made it happen. It did not merely fall into my lap as some might think. Along the way, there were tough decisions to be made, and I made them. Some may prove me righ, some may prove otherwise, but I have grown wiser. And more weary. It's not all about luck and what-not, it's what you choose to sacrifice. You risk big, you win big. End of story. If you're unlucky, you end up back at square one, but that's the risk I'm willing to take. Not because someone allowed me to, but because I paved it for myself.
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