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Tuesday, March 31, 2009
I don't think I've experienced this sort of zen and calmness is a long long time. There is so much to do and potentially freak out about, but I am neither freaking out, nor getting my head bogged down. Positivity is sooo underrated. 'Nothing will come of nothing.' And similarly, positivity will breed positivity. It's karma of a different level. I will be happy and good to others because I choose to. Not because there is something in it for me at the end of the day, but because I want to be happy and nice. And that will start the cycle of happiness and niceties. And being nice to people I care for, or even people I don't know, makes me feel good about myself.There is no secret, it's all just mind over matter. You will get what you set yourself out to get. The universe will conspire against you and lead you where you want to go. You just need to be in the right head space with the right attitude.Now my task will be to maintain this attitude and mindset in Singapore.London will, no doubt, be trying, but I believe there is so much room for growth in those 6 weeks. It may seem like a holiday to most; a physical holiday, but I know it will test my mental endurance and strength and push it to an altogether higher level. 6 weeks is a lot and yet too little time to learn and grow. But learn and grow I will in that 6 weeks. The world is my oyster. Everything has worked out perfectly this far. And I believe it will continue to be a calm journey. By no means smooth sailing, but it will be calm, and I need to be calm and open and positive.I feel good about this. I am in control of my life, and I don't think there ever was a time before when I was in as much control of my life as I am now, and it gives me an utmost sense of satisfaction and joy to know that every step I take is my decision. Every sacrifice I make is my own. Every bridge is cross is my journey. This feels good. This is what I need: freedom, growth, independence, and that hint of the danger of the 'what if'. Knowing I could fall flat on my face but not listening to the nagging doubts and charging headstrong into the challenge. I know what mettle I am made of and I refuse to be brought down by my ego.One needs to throw away the ego, ignore the judge on the shoulder, to do great things. And I am ready. And I believe have the right companion to boost me along the way. I am truly blessed. And I have had too many people randomly telling me things along the way to reiterate that decision and give me support for me to develop any doubt in myself.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Life Dreams and ArtMy last post was on my birthday. These days I don't have much to write about. I am happier, more content, closer to bliss. I have my share of stress and pressure and uncertainties, but I choose not to wallow in them and wear myself thin over things I have no control over. Nor do I allow myself to be pushed around by the faceless mask of authority. I have nothing to lose but myself. I still have my moments of quiet reflection and these days I think about more than before. And they run in larger circles than before. And the leave off on wider arcs than before.Another death, and... I just don't understand people anymore. Why can't people just stop, drop their egos, and look outside of themselves? It's not about what they want. It's never about it. Life is larger than that. Supposedly mature honours students bitching within an ensemble within a month of training; family insisting on their way and wanting things to work for their personal best interests instead of acting in the best interests if the whole family in a bereavement. Just reminds me of my own fucked up extended family. And what might possibly befall my own family in future. I'd like to think it, but sometimes, blood doesn't run thicker than water. You want it to, but it takes more than just effort from your side.The next 2 months will be interesting. 2 months of unemployment and travelling and lots of second guessing myself, and throwing caution to the wind and sacrificing once-desperately-sought-after big breaks for that path that I know exists in the deep woods but which I fail to see righ now. I know I will get my hands on it. Not now, but this perseverence will pay off. And I will be on the peak of that mountain that many deemed unscaleable. Discovering new things about myself. I'm excited.And I chose this path. I made it happen. It did not merely fall into my lap as some might think. Along the way, there were tough decisions to be made, and I made them. Some may prove me righ, some may prove otherwise, but I have grown wiser. And more weary. It's not all about luck and what-not, it's what you choose to sacrifice. You risk big, you win big. End of story. If you're unlucky, you end up back at square one, but that's the risk I'm willing to take. Not because someone allowed me to, but because I paved it for myself.
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