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Tuesday, September 30, 2008
I think I see a little bit clearer now. Sometimes when the time comes, we just have to let go. Up and go. Move on. Like the snail that grows out of its little shell. It has to move on and find a larger home, one more suited to itself. Or it will die from being strangled and suffocated by it's unwillingness to let go, or even fear of finding something new.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
What the fuck is wrong with people? Seriously, I don't get anyone anymore. Is it just me? Am I the one who's losing touch with the harsh reality of things? Or am I just expecting too much of the people around me? Seems like the only people you can really count on these days is your family. I just can't fucking keep up with this shit anymore. I just want to write everyone off, just keep working, screw intimate one-on-one or personal relationships. I'm happy with huge impersonal social gatherings. Where everyone gathers, gets pissed, has a jolly good time, and goes home. Why is it that it seems as if everyone has a huge network, yet I can't even keep a tiny one going? I really hate this shit. Do I have 'come make use of me then ignore me to hell' written on my forehead? If I do, I fail to see it. All I see in the mirror is a disillusioned embittered cynical angry isolated individual. Maybe my occupation should have been a hermit eh?No one means anything anymore. Nothing means anything anymore. Except my art. Let my art encompass and infiltrate every part of me. Everything else is inconsequential and transient. We came into the world alone, and we leave it alone.No sentimentality. Everything is an opportunity cost. Every relationship is part of a learning curve.Maybe I should dig out my heart and soul and bury it deep within the recesses of some swamp. That way least I know where it is, and it's safe from society's manhandling.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
7 September 1753hrsThese pangs of introspection and wishing I was elsewhere but here permeate my idle thoughts. yet I am getting increasingly settled in to this existence here. I adapt. If there's one thing I naturally do well, it's adapting to change. I am an actor. I have to. It's my job.Yet despite becomingly increasingly adapted to this place, I still have idle thoughts of being elsewhere; where life is different. yet when I think such thought, there is always the safety of knowing they're mere thoughts and fancies. I lack the courage and motivation to actually up and go in reality. I need a reason to do it. I need a reason to want to be elsewhere, not a reason to not want to be here. Subtle different, but it counts for a world of difference when it comes to finding my motivation and drive. Right now I don't have a reason to want to be elsewhere, but I have a reason for not wanting to be here. Is that good enough? 'But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do Sunday morning rain is falling and I’m calling out to you Singing someday it’ll bring me back to you Find a way to bring myself home to youThat may be all I need In darkness she is all I see Come and rest your bones with me Driving slow on Sunday morning And I never want to leave'
I need to wean myself off this feeling. This ever elusive feeling that lies dormant and pops up with no warning and latches onto my thoughts. Oh why are we women so weak?! Frailty thy name is woman!
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