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Thursday, July 10, 2008
June 7 0810hrsIt is the hope that kills me. The existence of this hope extinguishes my determination to forge on as a stronghold.June 9 1736hrs
Is he the sky? My ever unattainable sky?We were both the sea. Are we still the same blue?Once I soared in the sky with the wind beneath my wings, lifting me up, making me soar. Then the wind died. And I plummeted back into the sea. Washed ashore.So what is he now? I grapple with myself. My evasive, deceiving self.Can we ever be on the same plane? We use to both traverse in the same direction, albeit on different planes. Where are we now?How much longer can I bear this? Does it all exist only in my head? Remember Greg's theory, Daph, remember it. (Now, transcribing this down 8hrs later, I've forgotten what I was referring to by 'Greg's theory'. Great.)I have worked out a solution for my plight. The best compromise is to be a lesbian. Yeap, a lesbo. The benefits (whatever I can get my hands on) of having a partner yet none of that emotional vulnerability.There is no way in hell I would ever be as vulnerable to a woman as I would a man. A woman could never hurt me as deep. Simply because my genes don't react the same way. It's not her, it's me. Hence, the best alternative, be a lesbo.Good and Kind. In kind.Left to her own devices, this girl would either float as high a a helium balloon on a clear day and pop in the atmosphere, or engage in a downward spiral of destructive thoughts. Or both actually. Simultaneously.For things to be as clear as the clearest sky. Oh bliss.[ Random Not-Necessarily-Accurate-Shakespearean-Quotes ]'Once more, my dear friends.''Oh that this too too solid flesh would melt.''What a piece of work is man.''The readiness is all.' But is it? What does it take for one to be truly ready? Tell me. I need to know.I used to think too much.I still do.On top of that, now,I feel too much.What a piece of work is man.But I cannot give away my Rumpelstiltskin, my secret name. I must regain control. Empower yourself Daph. (1755hrs)
I don't get men. I don't. I don't get it. Why do they still flirt and act all interested when they already have partners? Their girlfriends and wives. For fuck's sake. Am I purely game to them? Should I don on some fur and get on all fours and start prancing around the bushes and nibble on leaves? I am so disappointed right now. With men. With the arts. With the government. With the obscene amount of construction going on on this tiny tiny miniscule island. With life. With myself. With my inability to get my fucking act together.Is this Let's-fuck-with-Daph's-head year? They should just make my life into a PSP game. The more you disappoint me; the more you build me up only to let me down; the more you fuck me over, the more points you get. And the winner gets to dump pigs blood that's gone off on me from a ceiling rafter.Right now I just want to crawl into a hole somewhere in the Andes and yodel. Let no one hear me but my soul. Life shouldn't have to be so fucked up. But it is. Don't fucking throw me a line only for it to emerge as a red fucking herring.I'm so disgruntled nowadays. I can't be positive anymore. When left to my own devices, I plunge into a dark pool of sad bad negative depressing thoughts. I feel so wretched I rarely have an appetite anymore. Let me just survive on my soy lattes.I just want to wall myself up and die. No, that's too bleak. Let me change it to: I just want to hole myself up and disappear. Yes, that's better. 'Dissipate into nothingness'. HA. I remember that. Yes, let me just crawl into a hole and dissipate into one of those wall paintings. Let future archeologists puzzle over me. Least I'd have contributed something to mankind.I don't mean to male bash, but if you're not fucking available, then fuck off and leave me alone. Don't act all interested and flirt your bloody follicles off and make me happy and feel like there's hope in life and maybe I'm not on the top 10 list of the world's most wretched people, only to pull a fucking Hiroshima on me and leave me as desolate as the Sahara. Thus rendering me 5 notches further up the top 10 list of the world's most wretched people. I think I need to just go somewhere where no one knows me and I know no one and no one will possibly bother me, and just melt into the crowd. I think a gay bar would be the perfect place. In Europe. Mmmmmmm..."If I should be so bold I’d ask you to hold my heart in your hand Tell you from the start how I’ve longed to be your man But I never said I would I guess I’m gonna miss my chance again All I really wanna do is love you A kind much closer than friends use But I still can’t say it after all we’ve been through And all I really want from you is to feel me As the feeling inside keeps building And I will find a way to you if it kills me If it kills me If it kills me I think it might kill me"
- 'If It Kills me', Jason Mraz"Well you done done me and you bet I felt it I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted I fell right through the cracks And now I'm trying to get back Before the cool done run out I'll be giving it my bestest Nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some So I won't hesitate no more, no more It cannot wait I'm sure There's no need to complicate Our time is short This is our fate, I'm yours"- 'I'm Yours', Jason MrazLately, everything seems to speak to me. I'm getting too soft. I need to harden the fuck up.
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