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Thursday, June 26, 2008
The deed is done. There is no turning back now. I have paid a huge ass sum of money (well, my Dad has) and I cannot retrace my steps now.'I cannot be soft. I have my destiny to live out.'It will have to take more than a brand new snazzy sports car to buy my destiny. My feet are burning and know not where to run. But still, I must take off and do what I feel needs to be done. I may be wrong. But at least I'll find out the hard way, rather than sitting on my ass lamenting. My will is strong. I will not let it be snuffed out like a candle in the cold night. As Anna Karenina felt a compelling force gather her thoughts and render her inevitably under the train wheels, so I feel the same force within me, compelling me to throw myself into the wild and fight it out there. The ship is safe in the harbour but it doesn't belong there.I must brave the winds and face adversity. I feel it in the pits of my soul. This is what I was meant to do. I cannot live out my life in utter complacency. How will I find enough money to sustain myself? Will I be able to live from hand to mouth? I believe I can. This comfortable cushion I have in Singapore; it stifles me. Maybe I am too lucky. If that be so, let me count my blessings by taking them into perspective, from a perspective outside of my own. I would rather return a battered finch than live out the golden gilded captivity with my comfy velvet cushions. Let me fly with the beautiful rosellas, and soar. I need to know how far I can climb before I plummet under the pressure. If some silly pig-faced girl in some silly chick flick can do it, why can't I? I see that as a sign. I never watch chick flicks. But I did today, by fluke. And that girl did exactly what I an scared to do. So what if I haven't got all this experience under my belt? So what if I'm still green-ish? So what if I know jackshit about what's out there? So what if I have no idea how I'm going to survive? So what if I have no idea where I'm going to stay? So what if I have no idea what I'm going to do for money? I have the will, and I have my destiny. As Mark Wilson once said 'She's a tough one.' And I know I have it in me to tide it through and fight it out and eke out something of my own. Something I can be proud of. Something truly and utterly mine. For once, it'll be something I wanted to do. Something I took full responsibility of and called the shots with. It will live and thrive in my heart and my spirit, nourishing and inspiring my thoughts and work. It will live and breathe within me. And I then can say I have the right to inspire the people around me. I am nothing without this experience and fire under my wings, nourishing me.So, doubt and uncertainty, begone. I am worthy of grander things. I just need to dive into the deep end, and trust that my instincts will keep me afloat. Or that there will be come floats nearby. Either way, it will be worthwhile in the end. I know it. I can just feel it in my bones!Seek, and you shall find.Amen.
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