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Sunday, June 29, 2008
boys you can break you find out how much they can take boys will be strong and boys soldier on- daughters, john mayer(stolen from Dong)Well you done done me and you bet I felt it I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted I fell right through the cracks and now I'm trying to get back Before the cool done run out I'll be giving it my bestest Nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some So I won't hesitate no more, no more It cannot wait I'm sure There's no need to complicate Our time is short This is our fate, I'm yours
- I'm Yours, Jason Mraz
Funny how sometimes things just gesticulate to you and leave you to speculate. Nothing seems right and then suddenly you still don't know if it's right, but it seems like some unseen force is pointing to the distance; and you can't see the hand, but you feel the presence of the hand right next to your face.Or maybe you just believe what you want to believe. You think what you choose to think. The signs are all there; both for and against. It's which you choose to believe.At the end of the day, as Levin says, faith is believing that the sky is infinite and there exists an infinity beyond that vault of blue, despite what your eyes tell you.Oh maybe I'm just deceiving myself. It is very easy to be a pollyanna.Yeah, I think I should just chill.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
The deed is done. There is no turning back now. I have paid a huge ass sum of money (well, my Dad has) and I cannot retrace my steps now.'I cannot be soft. I have my destiny to live out.'It will have to take more than a brand new snazzy sports car to buy my destiny. My feet are burning and know not where to run. But still, I must take off and do what I feel needs to be done. I may be wrong. But at least I'll find out the hard way, rather than sitting on my ass lamenting. My will is strong. I will not let it be snuffed out like a candle in the cold night. As Anna Karenina felt a compelling force gather her thoughts and render her inevitably under the train wheels, so I feel the same force within me, compelling me to throw myself into the wild and fight it out there. The ship is safe in the harbour but it doesn't belong there.I must brave the winds and face adversity. I feel it in the pits of my soul. This is what I was meant to do. I cannot live out my life in utter complacency. How will I find enough money to sustain myself? Will I be able to live from hand to mouth? I believe I can. This comfortable cushion I have in Singapore; it stifles me. Maybe I am too lucky. If that be so, let me count my blessings by taking them into perspective, from a perspective outside of my own. I would rather return a battered finch than live out the golden gilded captivity with my comfy velvet cushions. Let me fly with the beautiful rosellas, and soar. I need to know how far I can climb before I plummet under the pressure. If some silly pig-faced girl in some silly chick flick can do it, why can't I? I see that as a sign. I never watch chick flicks. But I did today, by fluke. And that girl did exactly what I an scared to do. So what if I haven't got all this experience under my belt? So what if I'm still green-ish? So what if I know jackshit about what's out there? So what if I have no idea how I'm going to survive? So what if I have no idea where I'm going to stay? So what if I have no idea what I'm going to do for money? I have the will, and I have my destiny. As Mark Wilson once said 'She's a tough one.' And I know I have it in me to tide it through and fight it out and eke out something of my own. Something I can be proud of. Something truly and utterly mine. For once, it'll be something I wanted to do. Something I took full responsibility of and called the shots with. It will live and thrive in my heart and my spirit, nourishing and inspiring my thoughts and work. It will live and breathe within me. And I then can say I have the right to inspire the people around me. I am nothing without this experience and fire under my wings, nourishing me.So, doubt and uncertainty, begone. I am worthy of grander things. I just need to dive into the deep end, and trust that my instincts will keep me afloat. Or that there will be come floats nearby. Either way, it will be worthwhile in the end. I know it. I can just feel it in my bones!Seek, and you shall find.Amen.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
This dire need for some sort of reciprocation; Go on, cast the ball back my way. This dire thirst for... whatever it is, will be the death of me.To be complete within oneself. Seems easier said than done eh?And the constellations spiral out of orbit, each deflecting into its own eternal hell within an unforgiving vacuum. Tender yet impartially cruel.I no longer know what I want anymore. Frivolous fancies occupy my thoughts, yet practicality binds me down. I guess you can't have the best of both worlds, can you? Best to put on blinkers and trudge straight down.No on but me will be the death of me.
Saturday, June 07, 2008
Late night taxi ride epiphany: I will come back to Singapore when I'm sick of the world. But for now, the world beckons.I just need to find the money. And the courage to bash ahead.
And ironically, it takes my heartless unsentimental callous brother to draw attention to this song.
There's a part in me you'll never know The only thing I'll never show It's plain to see it's trying to speak cherished dreams forever asleep Hopelessly I'll love you endlessly Hopelessly I'll give you everything But I won't give you up I won't let you down And I won't leave you fallingIf the moment ever comesI think deep down, we're all hopeless romantics. Some are just more prone than others. And I belong to the former. For shame. Muse sings about the end of the world. And being so hopelessly in love. Ha.
"Then we should find some artificial inoculation against love, as with smallpox." - Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy
Aye.
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
I think I won't trust anyone or anything anymore from now on. That's the way to go, I reckon. It's safe, it's foolproof. I'm just going to lie back, chill out, and read Anna Karenina. It's not as easy industry, this one. What have I gotten myself into? To toil like that for years to come? I don't know if I can handle this. We'll see, we'll see.
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