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Wednesday, March 12, 2008
What do I want? What do I really want? Suddenly I'm experiencing all these different thoughts. Melbourne does it to you. You start questioning what you want and what you want to do. So many people doing so many things you thought were impossible for you to do, and yet seeing them do it makes you wonder if you're shortchanging yourself. Where do I really really want to be? Suddenly I'm having feelings of wanting to travel. If I had the money and wasn't bogged down, I'd book a flight off to somewhere distant, in a continent I've never been before, and take off the next day. But I can't. Suddenly I don't want to go back to Singapore and take on the theatre scene so much anymore. Suddenly I can't be bothered applying for an Aus PR anymore cuz it's too trying having to arrange the documents and meetings and having to let go of my apartment and car. I just want to up and go somewhere, and clear my mind there before I make all these decisions. I thought I sorted out my thoughts, but I guess all I did was bury it under the barrage of things that floated my way and I suppressed them. They're all starting to resurface now; now that I'm back in Melbourne, independent and free of obligations and shoes to fit in. And having way too much time on my hands. And talking to people who have dreams and know what they want and aren't afraid to just take the leap. I'm too safe.And suddenly, seeing his 'single' status go up just hit me. Like a soft pillow. It wasn't a slap in the face. I knew it was coming but kidded myself into thinking I would be ok. I'm not ok. Neither am I not not-ok. I don't what I am anymore. I guess what I did was the same as what I did with what I want. Bury it all under the rubble. I guess over the next months I'll keep feeling small twinges here and there. Slowly letting it seep out. I think, I've only just come to terms with the fact that it's probably not coming back. No, it won't. Throw away the hope. Hope only fucks people up. Like they say, some days it's more ok than others. I don't hurt acutely and feel the twist anymore. I kept expecting it to be like someone's twisting a knife in me, but I guess the expectation drove it away. It's a dull silent throb hidden deep under all the rubble. Is that more dangerous? I don't know. It's like the Tell-tale Heart. When it's all silent and quiet, and if you listen really really hard; it's there. It's constantly throbbing. But it gets lost amidst the flurry. But when everything subsides, there it is.Maybe this is just one of those mornings where you wake up and question everything and doubt yourself. Nothing gets me excited anymore. Am I turning jaded and cynical, more so than I already was? I don't feel that strong driving force that propels me anymore. The times when I do feel it, it's those big impetuous decisions which I can't justify and am too scared they're just whims, or shadows of fancies and illusions. I think I need to go away alone to somewhere foreign, and find myself and the voice in me. But when? A mere weekend will do me no good. I need more than just a few days to quell this vacuum within me. This vacuum which sucks everything in, yet is empty in itself. Family arrives this week, then three weeks before I leave Melb for a long time, then filming for Claude, then teaching in between the weeks, then Fast & Fresh, then Short & Sweet. And back to more teaching? I just want to up and go. But obligations and responsibilities...Melbourne allows for time to think; to reflect; to ponder on what I want; who I am; where I am; where I want to go. Too much time in fact. Everything is so... fluster-ful in Singapore. No time and space to think or reflect. You just go from one thing to the next. From one thought propelled into the next. Where is my common ground?Where is my purpose. What am I doing?I need a little timeTo think it overI need a little spaceJust on my ownI need a little timeTo find my freedomI need a little...Funny how quick the milk turns sourIsn't it, isn't itYour face has been looking like that for hoursHasn't it, hasn't itPromises, promises turn to dustWedding bells just turn to rustTrust into mistrustI need a little roomTo find myselfI need a little spaceTo work it outI need a little roomAll aloneI need a little...You need a little room for your big headDon't you, don't youYou need a little space for a thousand bedsWon't you, won't youLips that promise - fear the worstTongue so sharp - the bubble burstJust into unjustI've had a little timeTo find the truthNow I've had a little roomTo check what's wrongI've had a little timeAnd I still love youI've had a little...You had a little timeAnd you had a little funDidn't you, didn't youWhile you had yoursDo you think I had noneDo you, do youThe freedom that you wanted badIs yours for goodI hope you're gladSad into unsadI had a little timeTo think it overHad a little roomTo work it outI found a little courageTo call it offI've had a little time ~ 'I Need a Little Time', Beautiful SouthFunny how I've had this song for a while but never really paid any attention to the lyrics. It's so apt, so so apt. It really applies to every aspect of my life right now. Every. But, Time is something I don't have.And now I shed the first tears of recognition since the milk turned sour. Let's hope I live up to what the girl sings in this song. And may the expectations of the boy's part die as I live out the girl's part.
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