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Wednesday, March 19, 2008
I don't know anything anymore.As I stand by the sink, the realisation of the overwhelming amount of stuff I have to throwaway/chuck by the roadside to be removed to goodness-knows-where and incinerated/dumped into a landfill; pack into a labelled box to be carted into a container and shipped across thousand of miles into a tiny room on the first floor of 57B Lorong Marzuki: my life for the past 4 years. Reduced to thus. I cannot pretend I am happy to go home to Singapore. But... where is Home anymore? I feel like a chained stranger in my own home in Singapore. Yet in Melbourne I feel like a freebound groundless refugee.Do I have what it takes to endure the next year? Will I forget my fighting spirit? Will I lose myself and be hauled into the dregs of the business? I fear for my spirit. Everyday is a struggle. Every night, a resistance to sleep, for it means I've lost yet another day. When will this struggle against finding my purpose cease? I need peace. Peace that I cannot find, not here in Melbourne, and definitely not in Singapore. Give me release Witness me I am outside Give me peace Heaven holds a sense of wonder And I wanted to believe That I'd get caught up When the rage in me subsides In this white wave I am sinking In this silence In this white wave In this silence I believe Passion chokes the flower Till she cries no more Possesing all the beauty Hungry still for more I can't help this loning Comfort me I can't hold it all in If you won't let me ~ Broken Down Palace'And fate has led you through itYou do what you have to do ...And I have the sense to recognize thatI don't know how to let you goEvery moment markedWith apparitions of your soulI'm ever swiftly movingTrying to escape this desireThe yearning to be near youI do what I have to doThe yearning to be near youI do what I have to doBut I have the sense to recognizeThat I don't know howTo let you goI don't know howTo let you goA glowing emberBurning hotBurning slowDeep within I'm shaken by the violenceOf existing for only youI know I can't be with youI do what I have to doI know I can't be with youI do what I have to doAnd I have sense to recognize butI don't know how to let you go'
No, I don't. Ha, funny how it took me 3(?) weeks to realise this. But we do what we have to do. What we ought to do. Simply because there's nothing else we can do.
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