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Monday, March 31, 2008
The human being is such an amazing creature.And...That is all I have to say.I think that, in itself, will suffice.I amaze myself.I never cease to surprise myself with the fodder that's churned out from within the deep dark recesses of the electrical labyrinth of synapses that sits above my neck, safe in its own little cocoon. The heart, is purely metaphysical. Because the heart really sits within the head. There's your conundrum.Any moment now, I am ready for that whiplash to hit me. To render me out of sorts. To strike me back to square one. To pull the rug out from under to. To sneak up on me when I'm riding high and feeling utterly invincible. That is when it will hit me. Why is this cynicism so? Because cynicism is what keeps us living and breathing. It is the protective shell of a lab coat. So impotent, yet so important.Any moment now. I'm waiting. And ready.Yet each passing moment whereby nothing happens renders me more and more complacent.Ahhhh.. life. Such a paradox.Such a wonder. Such a pickle.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
I think... I think I could be starting to rejoice once again. Let Love in.As she glanced back for another look at the perils she'd traversed, she glimpsed the faint footprints being washed away by the ebbing sea; Now, faint. Swirling pools of water and sand. Now, a smooth pristine glimmering surface, unfazed. Now, pure and untouched, as if no one had ever been there. All traces removed. No one will ever know, save for her and the agents responsible. The calming element of the sea. Which can erode the seemingly impossible. Or suffocate one.And bearing a faint wry smile, she walked on, away from the deceiving virgin shore of stillness and motion. And as she walked on, her footprints faded after her.The way of the world.So what has changed? Nothing. And everything.
Friday, March 28, 2008
I don't care if monday's bluetuesday's grey and wednesday toothursday I don't care about youit's friday I'm in lovemonday you can hold your headtuesday wednesday stay in bedor thursday watch the walls insteadit's friday I'm in loveWhat a cute song. I don't get it. I probably never will. But either way, I like it. For what it says. For what it stands for. For what it holds.Friday.
Here I come.
Monday, March 24, 2008
I think... I've been missing the point.I always aim so high, so high, without seeing that what I have on hand is inadequate for the mission. I can never see the forest for the trees.Shah's right, I am an over-achiever. Thing is, I need to know when to stop and realise that I haven't got the resources. it's good to be ambitious, but within means. Baby steps Daph, baby steps.
Friday, March 21, 2008
I guess... the past couple of days have told me... that all I need to do is have faith.We'll cross the bridge when we come to it. And when we do, if we find we're missing vital survival tools, well, we'll deal with it then. But right now, Right Now,Faith is what we need. To believe, and trust, in spite of the Want. Faith.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
I don't know anything anymore.As I stand by the sink, the realisation of the overwhelming amount of stuff I have to throwaway/chuck by the roadside to be removed to goodness-knows-where and incinerated/dumped into a landfill; pack into a labelled box to be carted into a container and shipped across thousand of miles into a tiny room on the first floor of 57B Lorong Marzuki: my life for the past 4 years. Reduced to thus. I cannot pretend I am happy to go home to Singapore. But... where is Home anymore? I feel like a chained stranger in my own home in Singapore. Yet in Melbourne I feel like a freebound groundless refugee.Do I have what it takes to endure the next year? Will I forget my fighting spirit? Will I lose myself and be hauled into the dregs of the business? I fear for my spirit. Everyday is a struggle. Every night, a resistance to sleep, for it means I've lost yet another day. When will this struggle against finding my purpose cease? I need peace. Peace that I cannot find, not here in Melbourne, and definitely not in Singapore. Give me release Witness me I am outside Give me peace Heaven holds a sense of wonder And I wanted to believe That I'd get caught up When the rage in me subsides In this white wave I am sinking In this silence In this white wave In this silence I believe Passion chokes the flower Till she cries no more Possesing all the beauty Hungry still for more I can't help this loning Comfort me I can't hold it all in If you won't let me ~ Broken Down Palace'And fate has led you through itYou do what you have to do ...And I have the sense to recognize thatI don't know how to let you goEvery moment markedWith apparitions of your soulI'm ever swiftly movingTrying to escape this desireThe yearning to be near youI do what I have to doThe yearning to be near youI do what I have to doBut I have the sense to recognizeThat I don't know howTo let you goI don't know howTo let you goA glowing emberBurning hotBurning slowDeep within I'm shaken by the violenceOf existing for only youI know I can't be with youI do what I have to doI know I can't be with youI do what I have to doAnd I have sense to recognize butI don't know how to let you go'
No, I don't. Ha, funny how it took me 3(?) weeks to realise this. But we do what we have to do. What we ought to do. Simply because there's nothing else we can do.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
And....... another one bites the dust.And every time I reach out I get bitten in the ass. Maybe I should really give up. Just sit on my fat ass and sprout mysterious fungi while waiting to be chased. Why? Why throw something my way and tease me, and when I feel the urge to get off my ass and do something to follow through with the action, you fucking throw me a red herring. Why? Tis sport, is it? Well it's not very funny, and it's at my expense; so, no, don't really appreciate it; No.I've had enough. No more proactivity for me. No more initiative coming from this chick. I'm not built to withstand such emotional hurdles. Don't build me up just to watch me crumble down. It's not funny. It's cruel. It's Life.
Realisation of the Day:People don't understand me.It's amazing how quickly people pigeon-hole you. You make your first impression, and bam, suddenly you've got this label on you. Why is it so hard to accept that people have different facets to them?I've had enough of people telling me what I should do and how I should do it. Give me my fucking space. No, I don't care if my laugh is coarse and unrefined sounding to you. I happen to think it reflects my spontaneous out-going personality and makes people gaze in interest at who this energetic girl is who's so unafraid to be herself. Let me fucking be. Who wrote the rules to unspoken social codes anyway? Who doctrined that if a girl contacts a guys, regardless of her intention, she must be interested in him? WHO!!?? Tell me and I'll hunt the bastard down with a pitchfork. Why do I have to conform to secret unspoken societal norms? Can I not be who I am without having a stigma, or a hex, or a price, placed upon my head?Stop judging and placing me in a box. I am a wonder among flowers. I have infinite aspects to my personality. Suck that up.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Everytime you get hurt, you put up a little barrier to prevent yourself from getting hurt the same way again. One day, you realise you've walled yourself in in your little enclave. Bereft of a real touch.
Where's the compromise? The middle ground? How do we solve this contradiction of interests? Can we?
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
What do I want? What do I really want? Suddenly I'm experiencing all these different thoughts. Melbourne does it to you. You start questioning what you want and what you want to do. So many people doing so many things you thought were impossible for you to do, and yet seeing them do it makes you wonder if you're shortchanging yourself. Where do I really really want to be? Suddenly I'm having feelings of wanting to travel. If I had the money and wasn't bogged down, I'd book a flight off to somewhere distant, in a continent I've never been before, and take off the next day. But I can't. Suddenly I don't want to go back to Singapore and take on the theatre scene so much anymore. Suddenly I can't be bothered applying for an Aus PR anymore cuz it's too trying having to arrange the documents and meetings and having to let go of my apartment and car. I just want to up and go somewhere, and clear my mind there before I make all these decisions. I thought I sorted out my thoughts, but I guess all I did was bury it under the barrage of things that floated my way and I suppressed them. They're all starting to resurface now; now that I'm back in Melbourne, independent and free of obligations and shoes to fit in. And having way too much time on my hands. And talking to people who have dreams and know what they want and aren't afraid to just take the leap. I'm too safe.And suddenly, seeing his 'single' status go up just hit me. Like a soft pillow. It wasn't a slap in the face. I knew it was coming but kidded myself into thinking I would be ok. I'm not ok. Neither am I not not-ok. I don't what I am anymore. I guess what I did was the same as what I did with what I want. Bury it all under the rubble. I guess over the next months I'll keep feeling small twinges here and there. Slowly letting it seep out. I think, I've only just come to terms with the fact that it's probably not coming back. No, it won't. Throw away the hope. Hope only fucks people up. Like they say, some days it's more ok than others. I don't hurt acutely and feel the twist anymore. I kept expecting it to be like someone's twisting a knife in me, but I guess the expectation drove it away. It's a dull silent throb hidden deep under all the rubble. Is that more dangerous? I don't know. It's like the Tell-tale Heart. When it's all silent and quiet, and if you listen really really hard; it's there. It's constantly throbbing. But it gets lost amidst the flurry. But when everything subsides, there it is.Maybe this is just one of those mornings where you wake up and question everything and doubt yourself. Nothing gets me excited anymore. Am I turning jaded and cynical, more so than I already was? I don't feel that strong driving force that propels me anymore. The times when I do feel it, it's those big impetuous decisions which I can't justify and am too scared they're just whims, or shadows of fancies and illusions. I think I need to go away alone to somewhere foreign, and find myself and the voice in me. But when? A mere weekend will do me no good. I need more than just a few days to quell this vacuum within me. This vacuum which sucks everything in, yet is empty in itself. Family arrives this week, then three weeks before I leave Melb for a long time, then filming for Claude, then teaching in between the weeks, then Fast & Fresh, then Short & Sweet. And back to more teaching? I just want to up and go. But obligations and responsibilities...Melbourne allows for time to think; to reflect; to ponder on what I want; who I am; where I am; where I want to go. Too much time in fact. Everything is so... fluster-ful in Singapore. No time and space to think or reflect. You just go from one thing to the next. From one thought propelled into the next. Where is my common ground?Where is my purpose. What am I doing?I need a little timeTo think it overI need a little spaceJust on my ownI need a little timeTo find my freedomI need a little...Funny how quick the milk turns sourIsn't it, isn't itYour face has been looking like that for hoursHasn't it, hasn't itPromises, promises turn to dustWedding bells just turn to rustTrust into mistrustI need a little roomTo find myselfI need a little spaceTo work it outI need a little roomAll aloneI need a little...You need a little room for your big headDon't you, don't youYou need a little space for a thousand bedsWon't you, won't youLips that promise - fear the worstTongue so sharp - the bubble burstJust into unjustI've had a little timeTo find the truthNow I've had a little roomTo check what's wrongI've had a little timeAnd I still love youI've had a little...You had a little timeAnd you had a little funDidn't you, didn't youWhile you had yoursDo you think I had noneDo you, do youThe freedom that you wanted badIs yours for goodI hope you're gladSad into unsadI had a little timeTo think it overHad a little roomTo work it outI found a little courageTo call it offI've had a little time ~ 'I Need a Little Time', Beautiful SouthFunny how I've had this song for a while but never really paid any attention to the lyrics. It's so apt, so so apt. It really applies to every aspect of my life right now. Every. But, Time is something I don't have.And now I shed the first tears of recognition since the milk turned sour. Let's hope I live up to what the girl sings in this song. And may the expectations of the boy's part die as I live out the girl's part.
Monday, March 03, 2008
I should be angry. I should be upset. Very upset. Somehow I'm not. I'm just... resignatedly numb. It's odd. No huge flurry of activity within me. Just a silent quiet drone.Could it be that this is me really coping and letting go? I don't know. This is all new to me.But, I'm vaguely slightly content. That I can let it go and not be the angry, cynical, jaded, bitter woman I used to turn into. I really hope I can let go and walk away with dignity and grace. Afterall, what is substance without form? *self-mocking conceited wry smile*See, I can even joke about it.Am I truly healing, or is this a major form of denial I have yet to encounter?Maybe I've matured and grown. Really grown into someone who can take things into their stride. Afterall, how can I seek to be an artiste and inspire people if I'm an angry little bitter person myself? Let this be real, and not a mere passing figment of denial.
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