|
|
| |
|
 |
| |
Sunday, January 13, 2008
I need to decide what I want to do with next year. I need to decide where I want to be in the world.Sitting on a Sunday morning, reading Saturday's Straits Times made me think of how Singapore is so contrived. I'd rather be in Melbourne. I need my own independence. I cannot go back to living with mum & dad and being the little girl who listens to them and does what they want and being nice to them because I have to because of all that filial piety and respecting your parents stuff. I need to be myself. Reading the papers and all the shit in it made me think 'I'd rather be in Melbourne right now.' But the Melbourne I'm missing is the Melbourne in Josef Avenue, reading the papers next to Aden. I can't imagine a Melbourne without Aden. So my Melbourne is misguided already.I need to practise some theatre. I feel so unfulfilled because that's the thing that feeds my soul, and I cannot get into the grittiness of it if I'm in any one place for no more than 3 months. Also, if I apply for a Permanent residency, I won't be able to get any jobs til my residency is granted unless it's cash-in-hand. That's another pickle. Even so, it's not for sure that I'll get a day job that supports me while I wile away and go for audition after audition, desperately praying I'll land good roles and all I've gone through will pay off.I need to decide what I want. I've never made a major decision based solely on what I want. It's always been affected by the people around me. I wanted to study in Manchester because I wanted to be with my best mate. Failing that, I chose Melbourne because my brother happened to be there and it was all very convenient for both my parents and me. Now, I need to find out what I want, regardless of who's where and what whoever wants.I need to decide where in the world I want to be.But I want to be with Aden, and until I let him go, I cannot make the decision of where I want to be, because my head's just clouded. I need to make this decision for me. It's my life, and it's my individual decision, but I cannot do it. I cannot move on unless I'm over him, and I can't do it. I'm not a head person, I'm a heart person, and this heart is just not letting up.I need a sense of direction. Right now, I feel like I'm just floating aimlessly. It's killing me.It doesn't help that I've got a potential job offer in Singapore. Because then it makes it so easy to just cave in to what the parents want and give up the bigger, loftier, more challenging, seemingly unattainable dreams.I used to be set on Melbourne, but a Melbourne without the man of my dreams is unimaginable and torments me. And there's just so much bureaucratic red tape and so many things to arrange and attain and not to mention the cost of trying to apply for a permanent residency.And I feel the urge to travel. This could be my little form of escapism. Putting off making a decision by running away. Will I be satisfied though? I still won't be fulfilling the need to perform. But I'll be growing and learning and exposing myself to the world I live in. I'll be accumulating invaluable life experience. But travelling means I might not be able to apply for a permanent residency in future because I might not qualify. I think I'm just floating because I cannot have what I want. Hence I want things to happen and circumstances to push me towards a decision that I don't have to make for myself. I'm a coward. Beneath the facade of strength and determination and ambition is a scared little girl who really doesn't know what she wants. How can I do great things if I can't even make a decision like that? Fuck.
|
|
 |
|
 | |
|
