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Tuesday, January 29, 2008
It's my own fault isn't it really? I open myself up for being disappointed. If you don't display weakness, how will the enemy know when & where to strike? I keep doing this to myself. I should just be harsh and quietly go away. It may send off the wrong message, but at least I'll keep from getting hurt again, and again. We're just too soft, women. And men are just thick-headed insensitive wankers. A man told me 'it's all about strategy'. So basically, mindgames. I don't like mindgames. I don't see a relationship as a chessboard, where every move is calculated & taken into account for the next move. If you can't be honest and sincere with me, tough titties. I think I may just pull the cloak over my eyes, harden up, do my own thing, and move on. I can't always be sitting here waiting for every phone call to come through that doesn't. Maybe I expect too much. Maybe I misunderstand stuff. Either way, this heart is not made for being chucked around.
Friday, January 18, 2008
There is no point in being scared DQ, just fucking do it. You don't want to be happy & content in your comfort zone. You want to push the extremes & make a difference. This false sense of security will be your downfall. It's so easy to give up and throw in the towel, but you know if you hang in there, it will come to fruition. You made a choice, and you will stick it through to the very end. This brings us back to that old question of 'onshore or offshore?' Do the onshore & plunge in. It's worth it.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
DQ, we shouldn't be cynical anymore. Let it flow off our backs like water because if the things which taint us don't go, new things cannot come by.Each day and moment we mope is a wasted one because, like today; there'll never be a January 15 2008 passing us by anymore. I cannot say for sure that our hearts will heal completely but there is just so much out there that we're shutting ourselves from. I'll never understand the magnitude of what you've been through and vice versa but we try. And that is love. :)
Amen to that Lingu Bingu. New year, New start. Let the past wash over us like the salty sea water on the beach. There is an infinity beyond what's within our immediate grasp. Let us aspire and look out. Simply cuz we can. Ace.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
I need to decide what I want to do with next year. I need to decide where I want to be in the world.Sitting on a Sunday morning, reading Saturday's Straits Times made me think of how Singapore is so contrived. I'd rather be in Melbourne. I need my own independence. I cannot go back to living with mum & dad and being the little girl who listens to them and does what they want and being nice to them because I have to because of all that filial piety and respecting your parents stuff. I need to be myself. Reading the papers and all the shit in it made me think 'I'd rather be in Melbourne right now.' But the Melbourne I'm missing is the Melbourne in Josef Avenue, reading the papers next to Aden. I can't imagine a Melbourne without Aden. So my Melbourne is misguided already.I need to practise some theatre. I feel so unfulfilled because that's the thing that feeds my soul, and I cannot get into the grittiness of it if I'm in any one place for no more than 3 months. Also, if I apply for a Permanent residency, I won't be able to get any jobs til my residency is granted unless it's cash-in-hand. That's another pickle. Even so, it's not for sure that I'll get a day job that supports me while I wile away and go for audition after audition, desperately praying I'll land good roles and all I've gone through will pay off.I need to decide what I want. I've never made a major decision based solely on what I want. It's always been affected by the people around me. I wanted to study in Manchester because I wanted to be with my best mate. Failing that, I chose Melbourne because my brother happened to be there and it was all very convenient for both my parents and me. Now, I need to find out what I want, regardless of who's where and what whoever wants.I need to decide where in the world I want to be.But I want to be with Aden, and until I let him go, I cannot make the decision of where I want to be, because my head's just clouded. I need to make this decision for me. It's my life, and it's my individual decision, but I cannot do it. I cannot move on unless I'm over him, and I can't do it. I'm not a head person, I'm a heart person, and this heart is just not letting up.I need a sense of direction. Right now, I feel like I'm just floating aimlessly. It's killing me.It doesn't help that I've got a potential job offer in Singapore. Because then it makes it so easy to just cave in to what the parents want and give up the bigger, loftier, more challenging, seemingly unattainable dreams.I used to be set on Melbourne, but a Melbourne without the man of my dreams is unimaginable and torments me. And there's just so much bureaucratic red tape and so many things to arrange and attain and not to mention the cost of trying to apply for a permanent residency.And I feel the urge to travel. This could be my little form of escapism. Putting off making a decision by running away. Will I be satisfied though? I still won't be fulfilling the need to perform. But I'll be growing and learning and exposing myself to the world I live in. I'll be accumulating invaluable life experience. But travelling means I might not be able to apply for a permanent residency in future because I might not qualify. I think I'm just floating because I cannot have what I want. Hence I want things to happen and circumstances to push me towards a decision that I don't have to make for myself. I'm a coward. Beneath the facade of strength and determination and ambition is a scared little girl who really doesn't know what she wants. How can I do great things if I can't even make a decision like that? Fuck.
Sunday, January 06, 2008
Whatever will be; will be.
Am I ignoring the elephant in the room? Sticking my head in the sand like the cowardly ostrich? Maybe that is how I find strength: in distancing myself and mocking the face of adversity.Could this be it? The inexorable movement towards the end. Could it be the beginning of the end? Or is this merely the beginning of a new phase? Whatever it is, it hurts to think about it. It's better not to think about it and face it when it comes, than to ponder upon it incessantly and ruin the preceding moments. Does that qualify as the ostrich mentality?Whatever will be, will be, Daph.What's enough is to know that what we have is beautiful and special. Regardless of whether it becomes a spectre of the past. I have grown so, so much, and it's enough to know I've been touched in so many ways, and so deeply.A new year. A new beginning. A new stage of life. I need to figure out what I want to do with myself now. It's the start of my life outside of academia.
Trust that all will be good.
Thursday, January 03, 2008
I could have possibly had the best New Year's Eve ever. Just driving down to the coast, stopping at some random beach town with a population of 2000. But there were fireworks, and that was good. the walk around the town took no more than half an hour, and towards the beach it was, in our bathers and esky full of beer in hand. Day1.Just sitting on the sand, amidst the families and crazy kid. Watching the tide subside and the ripples forming on the sand. Wadding out towards the rocks and stepping into the tiny poll among the rocks and 'destabilizing the ecosystem'. Catching sight of a dolphin as it swam out to sea. Chilling to stoned out music in the darkness of the backseat and eating chicken barbeque chips. Heading down to the sea with the roaring waves. Heading to the populated beach for fireworks and champange at midnight. Terrorizing a crab cuz it wasn't walking sideways. Playing drunken tag & falling on the sand and getting a massive bruise. Getting mad with Aden cuz I accused him of stealing my wine, which I stole from him in the first place. Heading back to the other beach with the roaring waves to sleep under the stars and amongst the roar. Being woken up at 4am to find myself curled into a tight foetal ball from the cold. Stumbling in the dark and grazing myself massively. Day2.Waking up in the car in the morning, hungover. Trying to cool my Gatorade down in the sea, which was mildly successful, only to find the rim of the bottle tasting very salty. Staggering to brekkie to read the secret goss on the government they release after 30years. Taking turns being sick. Trying to not spew whilst on the hour-long tour of the military fort with the famous black lighthouse and hearing funny stories of the military's incompetence. Failing to not spew. Smashing a bottle of OJ in the museum. Being surprised and driven to the jetty and driving the car onto the ferry taking us across the mouth of the bay. Having a icipop on the boat and trying to spot dolphins. Saying very loudly on the boat 'Look at those bruises you gave me honey. They really hurt.' so people around me can hear and think he's a mean man. Arriving at Sorrento feeling very sick. Walking around Sorrento town centre feeling very sick. Driving up to the 'real' beach with 'real' roaring waves only to find it awfully chilly and the waves piss weak. Going to Aden's family beach house named 'Reverie'. Almost spewing on the front lawn. Meeting the family and playing with Tilly the West Highlander and eating whiteberries which taste like peaches. Pulling over by the beach to have a powernap with the sun shining full-force in my face. Arriving back home 28hrs since leaving and feeling like it's been 3 days cuz we did so much. Getting burger/souvlaki and watching Mission Impossible on telly and trying to figure out the plot before the show got to it.Day3.Had the long awaited shower. Getting massively pissed off cuz Aden shaved his beard, which I told him I liked and wanted to take a photo with before he shaved. Getting over it. Spending 2-3 hrs in Southland shopping centre being idiots: starving and walking round the food courts like cavemen who haven't eaten in eons; catching each other checking out other people's food; trying to psycho each other to get bath towels; 'Riceline'; saying 'Look what you did to my legs' very loudly again so people can hear; finally doing what we had to do. Trying to jump onto Aden with my arms around his neck and legs around his waist and him failing to catch me and landing on my ass feeling like a total hippo. Being cross. And getting over it. Hoping desperately I haven't bruised anything bad. Day4.Aden getting teary in the morning. Going to New Young Pony Club later.The past few days have been wonderful, and I've learnt a lot about myself. I can't expect things to always turn out the way I want, and I can't expect people to always do what I want. Just deal with it, and think positive. The outcome's always better that way.As they say, good things never last. The past few days have been nothing short of good, though silly me took not a single photo in 4 days. I'm just living in the moment, trying not to think of the inevitable that's gonna happen in a week. Everything in due time, and now is time for me to enjoy what I have and not be pissy. As Marcelle said to me today, 'the only restrictions you have are the ones you place on yourself'. Just live, and be merry. And all will be well.
Though having said that, I feel like I'm in limbo, on holiday, passing the days doing nothing, and with no immediate cares or worries. Clearly I've a huge lot to worry and think about, and huge decisions to make. But I'm in such a lovely state of relaxation that I don't think now's the right time to think about those decisions. Now, I just wanna bath in the relaxation and idleness, while I still can.
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