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Wednesday, November 28, 2007
I need to start doing things for myself. And stop doing things for someone else. Or because of someone else. I figure out what I want, what I want to do, and what I need to do and stop doing things because someone told me I should do it, or because someone else is doing it. Start thinking and acting for yourself Daph. No one is responsible for your life but you. No one is living for you, so get your act together and stop living for others. Start living for yourself. Your life is what you make of it. Start taking control.Trouble is, what do I really want?
Friday, November 23, 2007
Everyone is telling me to do it, and I know I want to, and I should. But this fear. This huge morbid paralyzing paranoid rationalizing insecure fear is just nagging way at me, sitting on my shoulder and weighing me down.I've got a lot of hard work ahead of me, and it's only gonna get tougher and I have to get my act together. But I'm so comfortable drifting along where it's secure. But only for now. After some time, when I get sick of the security, I'll get all restless and unfulfilled again. They don't prepare you for this stuff in uni do they? No 'How to get started on your working life out of uni 101'. They just teach you the facts, expect you to understand or merely regurgitate the facts, and off you pop into the real world. Fuck. Education should not be like that. Education is not merely the stage of your life where you get smart and they primp you up and makes friends. It should be about imparting the real guts and glory of living and surviving in the real world and how to dig your way out of the ditch you started in, and not to feel all lost and helpless, not knowing what to do.Yvonne(someone I respect who churns out wonderful theatre and is the artistic director of Student Theatre in uni, someone I don't speak to often, but we have our fun moments) : So Miss Quah, what are your plans?Me: I dunno Vonne. I'm thinking London, or Melbourne. I wanna go to London this much (spreads hands width of body) But I'm scared this much (widens hands to 1 1/2 times).Vonne: That's why you should do it. You don't regret the things you didn't do. You regret the stupid things you did and the things you didn't do. This is the best time to do it.It seems so clear doesn't it? How someone can tell me so succinctly and clearly why I should just cast my fears aside. All all done under 15secs. At a party where I felt like an old fogey who'd lost track of all the newbies and goings-on. The one person who's seen them all come and go comes up to me at the end of the night and steers me in the direction I should take. Maybe that was the best part of me going to the party, to receive this sign telling me my fears are not unfounded, but I shouldn't let them hold me back.Oh Dear Lord. Help me.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
I need to find an aim for my life.What am I doing? I need to do something. I am not content sitting around, yet the inner judge sitting on my shoulder keeps me from actively reaching out and doing something for fear of failing. Ack.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
What the fuck is wrong with me?Why do I do this to myself?I just spend the entire fucking morning ranting about my fucking useless boyfriend when I should be learning lines. 3 fucking hours, just venting my frustration. And I'm still mad. Why can't I be more productive with my anger? All over some useless un-romantic un-initiative insensitive inconsiderate thickhead who's caught up in his own perspective. FUCK!!In the 6 months we've been together, he's never given me so much as a bunch of weeds, and he's given his female worker flowers cuz he felt bad for calling her into work with less than 24hrs notice. And he finishes work late and knows I'm waiting for him to come home so we can have dinner together, but he chooses to stay back 1 1/2 hrs to have beers with his workmates, without so much as a phonecall to inform me. And I'm sitting at home, starving, waiting for him, while he's having a jolly good time getting drunk.And he says he'll get up earlier in the morn for me, but clearly he's forgotten all about it as he turns his alarm off and rolls over back to sleep.While I wake up at 715am to drive him to work, 40mins each way, because the train doesn't run that early for him to train in, and if he drives in, it'll take him 2 hrs to get home in peak traffic.And I did his laundry for him cuz he asked me to.And I say I'm coming over for dinner, and he says he's starving but he'll have a slice of pizza to quell e hunger while he waits for me to arrive and go get dinner with him. And when I ring when I'm on the way, he wants to finish up his pizza cuz he can't be bothered waiting for me and leaves me to get my own dinner. (c.f. with me starving my guts out while he has a jolly good drinking session)What. The. Fuck. Is. Wrong. With. Me.Why the fuck do I put up with this shit? He doesn't even satisfy my urges. It's fucked. Alrite, enough ranting, I need a shower to cool down. I am so stark raving mad right now it's not funny.I hate men. A fucking lot of wankers. Most of them anyway.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Crazy how it feels tonight Crazy how you make it all alright love Crush me with the things you do And I do for you anything too Sitting smoking feeling high And in this moment it feels so right Lovely lady I am at your feet God I want you so badly And I wonder this Could tomorrow be So wondrous as you there sleeping Let's go drive 'till morning comes And watch the sunrise and fill our souls up Drink some wine 'till we get drunk It's crazy I'm thinking Just knowing that the world is round And here I'm dancing on the ground Am I right side up or upside down And is this real or am I dreaming Lovely lady I will treat you sweetly Adore you I mean you crush me And it's times like these When my faith I feel And I know how I love you Come on, Come on Baby You know I mean to tell you all the things I've been thinking deep inside My friend Each moment the more I love you Crush me Come on Baby So much you have given love That I would give you back again and again Oh my love Meaning I'll hold you But please please let me alwaysAnd I want so much to let myself experience and vocalize this song, but I can't, knowing full well that if I do, I'd sooner rip my heart out and place it on a platter in the middle of the freeway.
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