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Tuesday, October 30, 2007
My soul is so so so unsettled.Why do I do things even when I know the outcome will be shit? Why is it that even though I know the end product, I still trudge on willingly, consciously resigned, but subconsciously hoping against hope that my sheer will and selflessness might possibly change things. Am I really such a pollyenna? My insides are just wrenched and gutted, and yet I have to think and make a decision on which fierce gale from which of the 4 directions I want to turn to face. Too many weighty decisions, too many repercussions, I can't think; I can't choose.Why do I choose to be such a matyr? Am I trying to make a point? But to whom Daphne, to whom? Empowerment, Peter says, Life is about empowerment, of yourself, and the others around you. But what if I don't want to be empowered? What if I don't want to have the power to make those decisions I fear might haunt me? What if I know what I should do and what I want to do, but they're both at odds. How can I empower myself with what I want when at the end of the day, what I want is determined by another human being's choice?This is all too much for me to handle right now. Why is all of this thrown at me right now? When I have to make possibly the first huge decision of my life. Why does the right person have to come along but at such a shit time? I don't believe there are a few right people, no. I believe in the right person, and he's standing right in front of me, behind a layer of barbed wire. What do I do? Stand at a distance and watch, or reach out and get torn to shreds? Either way I end up ripped. Why have I adopted my dad's big heart, my mum's care for people, and both their selflessness? Why do I consciously place myself in such a position of vulnerability, knowing full well my efforts will change nothing. Do I hope to effect some sort of internal change? Maybe.I think, when I want something, I don't go for it forcefully and bash my way through the thick foliage with a machete, cutting down whatever's in my way. Instead, I demonstrate my urge, and rely on the milk of human goodness to fulfill my desire. That's the karma I subscribe to; that if you are good and patient, life will provide. Doesn't really work in the real world, does it? It works ideally in a world where everything is beautiful and perfect, but our world is not. It's ugly and vile, and will eat you up the minute you don't watch your own back. But how can I change my nature?I think, in the crazy tedious world, when you come home, you retract to what's closest to heart, because you want to shut out the ugliness and bury yourself in daffodils and sunshine. But when what's closest to heart is not pretty like you'd hope it to be, you pretend it is, hoping that by ignoring the problem all will be fine. Until the rug gets pulled out from under you. But what else can I do? What else can I do? I can't rip off the bandaid, I don't know why, but I can't. I have contemplated it passingly, but I just can't. Silly as it sounds, but when you look at it objectively, the answer is rather clear and simple, isn't it? Just do the fucking thing already Daph. But it's more than that, there's more subtext underlying the surface. I think, at the end of the day, I'm just scared that I won't find something that's as good as this. I think that's my underlying fear. But why now? Why fucking now? When I have my fucking career path to think about and where I wanna start up and my familial obligations, why throw some fucking Cupid's arrow my way? After 23years of misses, why a fucking hit at this particular crucial point in my life? It's a fucking joke.And yet sometimes there are so many signs that tell me I'm doing the right thing, yet how can I be? When he's upping and leaving in less than 3months and telling me blatantly he doesn't want me in the picture? Countless people have told me I deserve better, I know I do, yet do you see any better in the horizon? I don't. You get what you give, I believe. And I guess that by giving such as I am, I'm hoping that there'll be reciprocation somehow.At the particular point right now, at 11.50am on a Tuesday morning, my head is so troubled. My heart is being wrenched in two separate directions. My soul is in doubt and disparate, aching for inspiration. My scholar's mind is being crushed in a vice. And my roots are unsure and uncertain, reaching out longingly in all directions, aching to call someplace a possible home.And until I finish this final 3000word essay, sort out my heart and what's right, land a role that inspires me, get a day job, secure a firm footing in the theatre industry and get some contacts, decide what I want to do with my life and career and where I want to be in the next 2years, until I get all this sorted out, my head and heart will remain all tangled and knotted. Ack.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Sometime, it's best to sit back and let others express my sentiments.
"Show me how you do that trick
The one that makes me scream" she said
"The one that makes me laugh" she said
And threw her arms around my neck
"Show me how you do it
And I promise you I promise that
I'll run away with you
I'll run away with you"
Spinning on that dizzy edge
I kissed her face and kissed her head
And dreamed of all the different ways I had
To make her glow
"Why are you so far away?" she said
"Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with you
That I'm in love with you"
You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans
Twisting in the water
You're just like a dream
Daylight licked me into shape
I must have been asleep for days
And moving lips to breathe her name
I opened up my eyes
And found myself alone alone
Alone above a raging sea
That stole the only girl I loved
And drowned her deep inside of me
I feel you ling, there's just something about this that speaks to me too.
~~~
see, you and me
have a better time than most can dream
have it better than the best
so can pull on through
whatever tears at us
whatever holds us down
and if nothing can be done
we'll make the best of what's around
turns out not where but who you're with
that really matters
and hurts not much when you're around
and if you hold on tight
to what you think is your thing
you may find you're missing all the rest
~~~~~
You've got your ball
you've got your chain
tied to me tight tie me up again
who's got their claws
in you my friend
Into your heart I'll beat again
Sweet like candy to my soul
Sweet you rock
and sweet you roll
Lost for you I'm so lost for you
You come crash into me
And I come into you
I come into you
In a boys dream
In a boys dream
Touch your lips just so I know
In your eyes, love, it glows so
I'm bare boned and crazy for you
When you come crash
into me, baby
And I come into you
In a boys dream
In a boys dream
If I've gone overboard
Then I'm begging you
to forgive me
in my haste
When I'm holding you so girl
close to me
Oh and you come crash
into me, baby
And I come into you
Hike up your skirt a little more
and show the world to me
Hike up your skirt a little more
and show your world to me
In a boys dream.. In a boys dream
Oh I watch you there
through the window
And I stare at you
You wear nothing but you
wear it so well
tied up and twisted
the way i'd like to be
For you, for me, come crash
into me
~~~
You cannot quit me so quickly
There's no hope in you for me
No corner you could squeeze me
But I got all the time for you, loveThe Space Between
The tears we cry
Is the laughter keeps us coming back for more
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep safe from the pain
But will I hold you again?
These fickle, fuddled words confuse me
Like 'Will it rain today?'
Waste the hours with talking, talking
These twisted games we're playing
We're strange allies
With warring hearts
What wild-eyed beast you be
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep safe from the pain
Will I hold you again?
Will I hold...
The Space Between
Where you're smiling high
Is where you'll find me if I get to go
The Space Between
The bullets in our firefight
Is where I'll be hiding, waiting for you
The rain that falls
Splash in your heart
Ran like sadness down the window into...
The Space Between
Our wicked lies
Is where we hope to keep safe from pain
Take my hand
'Cause we're walking out of here
Oh, right out of here
Love is all we need here
The Space Between
What's wrong and right
Is where you'll find me hiding, waiting for you
The Space Between
Your heart and mine
Is the space we'll fill with time
The Space Between...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I must endeavour to put everything aside and wipe my slate clean.
The world is your oyster Daph. Let nothing and no one tell you otherwise.
There is no other way to dream but to dream big.
I need to start believing in myself and my talents. I have the ability to
change the world. And I mustn't look to assurance for that.
Sunday, October 07, 2007
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