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We weren't born with a name, we were given a name. A hedgehog doesn't have a name. It's just a nameless thing with a handful of flesh and skin and a beating heart. A hedgehog doesn't even know it doesn't have a name.
 
 
   
 
Sunday, September 16, 2007
 
Sentimentalist and Romantic. A dangerous combination to be.

I think I made a discovery about myself today. I develop expectations based on concrete inferences, on what I would personally do if I was put in a certain situation, and I like people to do the same. And when they don't, I get very very pissy. I throw hissy fits and start feeling spiteful. I never thought this was true, but to a certain degree, I expect to be treated like a princess. My family and friends have always patronized and given in to me, and I've always(usually) gotten what I wanted. And now, in the face of a very worthy adversary, I'm not given special leeway, and that really shits me. I want to be placed on a pedestal, and right now, I'm moshing with the locals. Maybe because I know I deserve better than what I'm getting. But when does it cross the line and traverse from self-preservation to indulgence?

I never thought this, but I think I do now: I am high maintenance. I demand a lot. I have many expectations; viable expectations, not ludicrous and unreasonable. They may be many, but they certainly are a cumulation of many tiny expectations, and they all just require a little consideration and effort.

I used to think I was a masochist, now I realise I'm more of a sadist. When I'm cut, I don't exhibit my pain. Instead, I lash out, and try to hurt back in a different, more subtle way. This is bad, because it's gonna culminate in a vicious cycle that never ends, and I don't want to get out of it. Because when it's good, it's beautiful; when it's bad, it's anguish.
The littlest thing affects me tremendously and fucks me in the head so bad I can't function as per normal. Everything acquires a rose tint. And I know it, yet I can't stop it. This is really like a drug. I don't know where I'm going with it.

Is it just me? Am I striving for something that's unattainable? I've no freaking clue. So help me God.

 

 
   
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