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Saturday, September 22, 2007
But will I hold you again? These fickle, fuddled words confuse me Like 'Will it rain today?'
And so they do; and so they do.Duckling is beautiful. She's everything I am, and everything I wish I could be. Ha, it's 3am.Baby, it's 3am I must be lonelyAnd she says 'Baby well I can't help but be scared of it all sometimes'Says the rain's gonna wash away, I believe it
To bed, to bed. This is fast becoming my most quoted line from Shakespeare. Expectations are what fuck people up. But how can we live a fulfilling life without expectations? It's a catch-22 we'll have to battle with to eternity. And the sword of Damocles hangs above us, like a ticking timebomb. Speaking of ticking, my skeleton clock's not working. I dunno why. I am crushed. But I must learn to learn go of material things. The intangible is what binds the fabric of humanity together. The metaphysical is what I must progress toward.To bed, to bed. Fie, Hell is murky.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Sentimentalist and Romantic. A dangerous combination to be.I think I made a discovery about myself today. I develop expectations based on concrete inferences, on what I would personally do if I was put in a certain situation, and I like people to do the same. And when they don't, I get very very pissy. I throw hissy fits and start feeling spiteful. I never thought this was true, but to a certain degree, I expect to be treated like a princess. My family and friends have always patronized and given in to me, and I've always(usually) gotten what I wanted. And now, in the face of a very worthy adversary, I'm not given special leeway, and that really shits me. I want to be placed on a pedestal, and right now, I'm moshing with the locals. Maybe because I know I deserve better than what I'm getting. But when does it cross the line and traverse from self-preservation to indulgence?I never thought this, but I think I do now: I am high maintenance. I demand a lot. I have many expectations; viable expectations, not ludicrous and unreasonable. They may be many, but they certainly are a cumulation of many tiny expectations, and they all just require a little consideration and effort. I used to think I was a masochist, now I realise I'm more of a sadist. When I'm cut, I don't exhibit my pain. Instead, I lash out, and try to hurt back in a different, more subtle way. This is bad, because it's gonna culminate in a vicious cycle that never ends, and I don't want to get out of it. Because when it's good, it's beautiful; when it's bad, it's anguish. The littlest thing affects me tremendously and fucks me in the head so bad I can't function as per normal. Everything acquires a rose tint. And I know it, yet I can't stop it. This is really like a drug. I don't know where I'm going with it.Is it just me? Am I striving for something that's unattainable? I've no freaking clue. So help me God.
Friday, September 14, 2007
I think I've figured out what my problem is. I need to make a decision, and bleeding well stick to it. None of that 'which is the best alternative' shit. You can't have your cake and eat it Daph, life's not like that.Make up your mind, and give it your best shot. Never mind if you fail, at least you'll fail gloriously.
Monday, September 10, 2007
The princess has been told she's clingy. Wow. What a slap in the face. But different circumstance. Different. I haven't blogged in such a long time. I feel like, there's so much to say, yet too little words to express it. I can't remember the last time I was so fucked in the head. Never, I guess. This is new. Daphne has just indirectly admitted that she's in the wrong. She's never been one to step down, but I guess that as things mellow and the heated emotions and passions mellow, like age, one becomes more settled and is more willing to step down. My current mood: resignation. Whatever comes; comes. It's not that I don't give a shit, it's just too fucking tiring and draining. I can only eat humble pie and do what I can. 'The rest is silence.' That's from a play, but I can't remember which, hmmm. No, really, the rest will just come. Nothing I can do. I will eat humble pie, but I will never grovel. And if this humble move of mine illicits a lack of response, then I guess I'll be disappointed. Not that I should, because I probably shouldn't be expecting anything. I should have learnt by now. But my better senses tell me it's the mature thing to do the humbleness. And so I have. This probably doesn't make sense at all if I read it after I post it. But what the hey. I'm off to learn lines now. I can only say that I did what I could, and whatever happens, suck shit Daph. You did what you could. If it's time to move on, it's time to move on. That's what life's about. And secretly, I'm proud of myself for having reached the state I'm in now. I might feel different tomorrow, but for now, I'm happy with where I'm at. Good night cruel world. It's time to learn some lines.
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