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Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Letter to selfDear Daphne,Get your priorities right. Remember that this year is about you. It's about you becoming obsessed with your craft, which, honestly, is hardly what you're doing at all. Granted that you haven't got the juicy role of Agave and there's only so much you can work with for Chorus 5, but even so, you're still not putting in as much as you possibly can, and you're not doing yourself justice that way.Also, minesweeper is not a priority. So stop fucking playing the damned thing and get off your arse and do some work. If you want something Daph, you gotta go and get it yourself. This is a tough industry, and it's only gonna get tougher as you go along. I know Singapore isn't the place you wanna be in right now, but if you want to go to another country, you gotta work much harder and be prepared for hardships you've never experienced. It's really appealing isn't it? The idea of going to Europe for 6months or a year. Just to live and work and see if the theatre there works out for you. It could be that everyone around you is doing it, and it's planted a seed in your mind. Because I know, the moment I go back to Singapore, I will never get the chance to get out of the country and live and experience another culture.Remember the words of Teo Aik Cher, Draw the dream, and the dream will be drawn to you. Sometimes I think that's wank. Sadly. Other times, it's the only thing I clasp onto vehemently, like a buoy.If you don't believe in yourself Daph, no one will. Apparently many people told Billy Wilder he was crap. He told each of them 'Fuck you', quite literally. And then he went on and created Sunset Boulevard. And a reporter told him everyone hated Some Like It Hot, and he told the reporter 'Well fuck them.' Thankfully the reporter had a sense of humour. They say these successful people are just awfully determined and hardworking. That's the only thing that sets them apart from me. I don't know if that's true. Somehow I can't help but feel like there's some special ingredient these people have that not everyone's blessed with. That's me being fatalistic and pessimistic and cowardly.Well Daph, it's your career on the line here. What're you gonna do? There's just a fucking huge plethora of possibilities, none smooth sailing, and definitely all fucking rigorous as horse shit. I'm stuck. So is this sudden urge to live overseas and try my luck an escape? From the big decision I have to make? Or am I simply following the dreams of the people around me, in the hope that in following their dreams, I will find some inspiration to draw my own dream?Never short change yourself. I'm such a coward when it comes to affairs of the heart. I pretend to be all strong and seem to know what I'm doing, dealing with it in a pragmatic and mature fashion. Fact is, it's all a cover up. I'm just to scared to plunge headlong into it and experience and live it fully. You hold back so much because you don't wanna be vulnerable and risk getting hurt. Truth is, you hurt yourself more simply by holding back. Life's too short Daph, you have to learn to just enjoy the ride. But I can't. I've too much to lose. Or maybe you just don't know what you want. Have you ever thought of that? Maybe you have this ideal in your head, and you're never gonna achieve it because it doesn't exist. What're you gonna do then? You're gonna get old and jaded and cynical. What does it take to pop that bubble? Life for you is, all peaches and cream. You've had it easy all along, and it's just hard to accept the fact that you can't control life or anticipate what it's gonna throw at you, ain't it? How are you gonna be an inspiring actor if you can't even live life vicariously and explore the unknown? Heard melodies are sweet, but those unheard are sweeter. Isn't that true? We always want what we can't get, regardless of whether they exist or not. Start living in the real world Daph, you need to wake up now, or it might be too late. Stop letting people's decisions and attitudes affect you. Make up your own mind. Find out what you really want. Make a decision. Stop being all nicey-nicey and soft and start being demanding and firm. Andy Garcia's tailored suits in Oceans Eleven didn't just turn up magically, he demanded them. Ibsen didn't just happen to doodle some good plays, he was obsessive and wanted to show Strindberg who was the better playwright. Plato had a utopia in mind, and he made his voice heard, at the price of his life. If you want bad enough to be extraordinary, work towards it. Don't be scared. Don't be lazy. In the field of your heart, well, make up your mind, and stick to it. You can't sit on the fence otherwise you'll be driftwood all your life. It's gonna happen every single time, and each time, you're gonna blame the other person, and you're never gonna realise that you are the root of the problem. It's a tough world kid. You just have to toughen the fuck up and deal with it.
I think I've simply got too much time on my hands for me to think of these things. If I was busy and obsessive, I wouldn't be sitting here right now, happily tappity-tap-tapping away. I really should be sitting with a cup of tea, script in hand, working through my lines.
Oh Dear Lord, Give me Impetus, please. Bathe me with Inspiration, I beg you.
From the pits of my heart,
Daphne xox
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