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Sunday, July 08, 2007
I know now why I'm a commitment-phobe. Because when I choose to care about someone, I care wholeheartedly. I can't do a half-arsed job of caring for someone, I'm just not built that way. With me, it's all or nothing. And when I give, I give a hundred and ten percent of me. Hence, before I make the conscious/subconscious decision to commit, I must know for sure that I'm getting 100% back. Otherwise, I shut down. I'm not a commitment-phobe, I'm just very wary on who I choose to commit to. And I make my emotional well-being a prerequisite, and that I know I'll be looked after. Which makes it a bit of a pickle now, because even though I know that 5 months from now, this will all have to end. And I can't let myself get emotionally involved knowing that it will all end someday. Yet even with that knowledge, neither can I pull the plug on it now and end things before anyone gets too attached or too hurt. That's just being a coward and not daring to live. It's tearing me apart inside, and there's nothing I can do about it. So help me Lord. There's no way I can be sensible and wise, because everything just doesn't seem to fall into that category. How is it possible to be in agony and bliss at the same time?
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