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Wednesday, July 18, 2007
I had a sudden realisation in the car, driving and listening to Ben Folds Five. I've always taken 'The world is your oyster' as another platitude, but then, whilst driving, I think, for the first time in my life, I fully understood the implications of that much abused phrase. All along, I've been too scared to step out of my comfort zone. I've been too comfortable where I am, never having to really worry about anything all my life. And now I'm reaching the end of my academic course, the one thing I know I can do, and I have absolutely no idea where I'm going to go when I'm done, and absolutely no bleeding clue where to start, and it's abso-bloody-lutely scaring the shits out of me. I've always taken for granted the fact that I'm gonna go back to Singapore, go for auditions, rah-rah-rah. Or maybe stay on in Melbourne, go for auditions, AND get a day job, rah-rah-rah. The realisation that everyone around me is going overseas, having new life experiences, going places, actually stepping out of their routines and not knowing what life will throw at them, has made me realise what a coward I am. I'm no artiste. I'm always seeking inspiration, whinging about being artistically dry and not finding impetus. And now these fellow colleagues of mine have inspired me to step out of my comfort zone. I don't have to go where no one has gone before and make some huge difference. All I have to do is to go where I've ever gone before and open myself to new possibly disorienting experiences. Because how else can I truly inspire people if I can't broaden my mind to understand their life experiences? I don't have to go back to Singapore; I don't have to stay on in Melbourne. I can choose to go elsewhere. London, the West End. Greece, Paris, Switzerland. The world is full of such vast possibilities for me. I'm actually spoilt for choice. Why then, am I so pessimistic and scared? I believe I do have what it takes, all I need to do is to start believing more in myself. I have a wonderful talent, and I have an immense spirit, and a warm heart. I need to start letting myself be free and vulnerable. That's the only way to live. The same applies to other aspects of my life. Start getting off your ass and get a job. This year is about you and your craft, yes. It is also about you growing up and starting to take more responsibility for yourself. Daddy's girl has to start growing up. Be free and open with people. Let yourself be vulnerable to your friends, that's the way friendships are built. Otherwise, you'll never bridge the acquaintance gap. Similarly, give your heart. So what if you'll get hurt? Use it. That is an artiste's true tool. Put my life's experiences into use. Use it to inspire and touch my audiences. Use it to aptly and truly tell my story of the human condition. The actor has to allow herself to be vulnerable, first as a person, before she can be fully vulnerable as an actor. I can do this. I just need to know, and trust, that many people have been there before me, and I will pull through, regardless of the hurt and pain.I need to open my heart, my mind, the walls I've put up over the past 23 years.I need to start breaking through these obstacles I've placed before me all my life. Embrace the unknown. Have faith, and your desires will be fulfilled. Jump into those bathers and start to swim Daphne. You're capable of it. If I can get over my fear of swimming, I can do anything.
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