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Saturday, July 28, 2007
Am I an alcoholic? 3pm on a Saturday afternoon and I have a beer. It's not even nice beer. It's VB, the shittest beer around, and I swirl it in my mouth with delight. There's a benefit party tonight, but I just feel like staying in, drinking by myself and doing housework and tidying up til the night falls and it's time to turn in. I think I have issues. I think I think too much. Like the country that nurtured me, I create problems in my mind and mull over them. Typical.
The LTA said commuters can cut travelling time by 5 to 8 minutes using this new underground expressway.
6 years; S$2.5 billion; a reduced travelling time by 5-8 minutes.
You do the math.
Sometimes I wonder whether we really fail to see the forest for the trees. Or are we too privileged we have to find a solutions to problems that don't really exist.
Why am I such a fucking doormat?It's time you started being less accommodating Daphne. Nice girls never get a slice of the pie.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
At the behest of Shamaine, this sucker just got tagged as well. Here's what I want, and I'm gona work my ass off for many of these things, but here goes!Things I want but will never get in this lifetime:1. to win a Oscar2. to be Dionysus in The Bacchae3. to be Hamlet4. to be Lady Macbeth5. to play Macbeth 6. to play Richard III7. to be in Waiting for Godot8. to marry Rob Thomas9. to marry Hugh Laurie10. to be a jazz singer11. to be a jazz pianist12. to play Ulla in The Producers on Broadway13. to play Mimi, Joanne or Maureen in RENT on Broadway14. to be the CEO of a huge international company15. to be endorsed by all the big fashion houses16. to be Karl Lagerfeld's muse17. to be Marc Jacobs' muse18. to own a yatch19. to have a beautiful beach house with my own private part of the beach20. to stop wars21. to end all famine22. to find a way to stop global warming23. to tell Hitler he was fucked24. to be a master of accents25. to be internationally acclaimed as an actor26. to marry a rich lovely faithful man who treats me like a princess27. to start a theatre company which will become internationally recognised and be Artistic Director and have people running the company for me, and cast myself in the shows, which will tour to all the festivals in the world28. to be part of the Royal Shakespeare Company29. to train in all the acting methods and techniques30. to be the next Audrey Hepburn31. to understand how politics works and play a pivotal role in it32. to live in every country in Europe33. to perform at the Epidaurus in the summer theatre festival in Athens34. to master Latin and ancient Greek35. to scale all the mountains of the world36. to own a Maserati Granturismo, an Aston Martin DBS Roadster, a Bentley Flying Spur, a BMW M6, BMW M5, Mercedes CLK37. to read every single novel that changed the world38. to read the biographies of all the people who have changed the world39. to read every single play written and have them stored in my brain40. to be intimately familiar with the life and works of all major playwrights41. to be able to write beautiful plays42. to play Hedda in Hedda Gabbler on Broadway43. to be added to history's list of 'Women who changed the World'44. to be a size 6 model45. to be abso-disgustingly-lutely filthy rich46. to act alongside Sir Ian Mckellen47. to act alongside Meryl Streep48. to be in the main cast of a long term running sitcom49. to own every single piece of Cartier, Bvlgari and Lara Bohinc jewelry50. to save marine life from capitalist fishermen51. to stop water and air pollution52. to be a female soccer player for Singapore53. to become Dame Daphne Quah54. to be an ambassador for Singapore and live in Europe55. to be part of the Spiegeltent touring cast56. to be a marvelous dancer, especially jazz dance, tap dance, swing, and some funk57. to be the drummer for a jazz band58. to be a newscaster59. to play Agave in The Bacchae
60. to play Clytemnestra in Agamemnon
61. to play Medea62. to read the entire Bible63. to enjoy going to church regularly64. to sing like an angelI think that's it for now, I'm starting to get depressed. eheheheh This is for you Maine!!!! You're the star of the sitcom in my eccentric mind!
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
I had a sudden realisation in the car, driving and listening to Ben Folds Five. I've always taken 'The world is your oyster' as another platitude, but then, whilst driving, I think, for the first time in my life, I fully understood the implications of that much abused phrase. All along, I've been too scared to step out of my comfort zone. I've been too comfortable where I am, never having to really worry about anything all my life. And now I'm reaching the end of my academic course, the one thing I know I can do, and I have absolutely no idea where I'm going to go when I'm done, and absolutely no bleeding clue where to start, and it's abso-bloody-lutely scaring the shits out of me. I've always taken for granted the fact that I'm gonna go back to Singapore, go for auditions, rah-rah-rah. Or maybe stay on in Melbourne, go for auditions, AND get a day job, rah-rah-rah. The realisation that everyone around me is going overseas, having new life experiences, going places, actually stepping out of their routines and not knowing what life will throw at them, has made me realise what a coward I am. I'm no artiste. I'm always seeking inspiration, whinging about being artistically dry and not finding impetus. And now these fellow colleagues of mine have inspired me to step out of my comfort zone. I don't have to go where no one has gone before and make some huge difference. All I have to do is to go where I've ever gone before and open myself to new possibly disorienting experiences. Because how else can I truly inspire people if I can't broaden my mind to understand their life experiences? I don't have to go back to Singapore; I don't have to stay on in Melbourne. I can choose to go elsewhere. London, the West End. Greece, Paris, Switzerland. The world is full of such vast possibilities for me. I'm actually spoilt for choice. Why then, am I so pessimistic and scared? I believe I do have what it takes, all I need to do is to start believing more in myself. I have a wonderful talent, and I have an immense spirit, and a warm heart. I need to start letting myself be free and vulnerable. That's the only way to live. The same applies to other aspects of my life. Start getting off your ass and get a job. This year is about you and your craft, yes. It is also about you growing up and starting to take more responsibility for yourself. Daddy's girl has to start growing up. Be free and open with people. Let yourself be vulnerable to your friends, that's the way friendships are built. Otherwise, you'll never bridge the acquaintance gap. Similarly, give your heart. So what if you'll get hurt? Use it. That is an artiste's true tool. Put my life's experiences into use. Use it to inspire and touch my audiences. Use it to aptly and truly tell my story of the human condition. The actor has to allow herself to be vulnerable, first as a person, before she can be fully vulnerable as an actor. I can do this. I just need to know, and trust, that many people have been there before me, and I will pull through, regardless of the hurt and pain.I need to open my heart, my mind, the walls I've put up over the past 23 years.I need to start breaking through these obstacles I've placed before me all my life. Embrace the unknown. Have faith, and your desires will be fulfilled. Jump into those bathers and start to swim Daphne. You're capable of it. If I can get over my fear of swimming, I can do anything.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Letter to selfDear Daphne,Get your priorities right. Remember that this year is about you. It's about you becoming obsessed with your craft, which, honestly, is hardly what you're doing at all. Granted that you haven't got the juicy role of Agave and there's only so much you can work with for Chorus 5, but even so, you're still not putting in as much as you possibly can, and you're not doing yourself justice that way.Also, minesweeper is not a priority. So stop fucking playing the damned thing and get off your arse and do some work. If you want something Daph, you gotta go and get it yourself. This is a tough industry, and it's only gonna get tougher as you go along. I know Singapore isn't the place you wanna be in right now, but if you want to go to another country, you gotta work much harder and be prepared for hardships you've never experienced. It's really appealing isn't it? The idea of going to Europe for 6months or a year. Just to live and work and see if the theatre there works out for you. It could be that everyone around you is doing it, and it's planted a seed in your mind. Because I know, the moment I go back to Singapore, I will never get the chance to get out of the country and live and experience another culture.Remember the words of Teo Aik Cher, Draw the dream, and the dream will be drawn to you. Sometimes I think that's wank. Sadly. Other times, it's the only thing I clasp onto vehemently, like a buoy.If you don't believe in yourself Daph, no one will. Apparently many people told Billy Wilder he was crap. He told each of them 'Fuck you', quite literally. And then he went on and created Sunset Boulevard. And a reporter told him everyone hated Some Like It Hot, and he told the reporter 'Well fuck them.' Thankfully the reporter had a sense of humour. They say these successful people are just awfully determined and hardworking. That's the only thing that sets them apart from me. I don't know if that's true. Somehow I can't help but feel like there's some special ingredient these people have that not everyone's blessed with. That's me being fatalistic and pessimistic and cowardly.Well Daph, it's your career on the line here. What're you gonna do? There's just a fucking huge plethora of possibilities, none smooth sailing, and definitely all fucking rigorous as horse shit. I'm stuck. So is this sudden urge to live overseas and try my luck an escape? From the big decision I have to make? Or am I simply following the dreams of the people around me, in the hope that in following their dreams, I will find some inspiration to draw my own dream?Never short change yourself. I'm such a coward when it comes to affairs of the heart. I pretend to be all strong and seem to know what I'm doing, dealing with it in a pragmatic and mature fashion. Fact is, it's all a cover up. I'm just to scared to plunge headlong into it and experience and live it fully. You hold back so much because you don't wanna be vulnerable and risk getting hurt. Truth is, you hurt yourself more simply by holding back. Life's too short Daph, you have to learn to just enjoy the ride. But I can't. I've too much to lose. Or maybe you just don't know what you want. Have you ever thought of that? Maybe you have this ideal in your head, and you're never gonna achieve it because it doesn't exist. What're you gonna do then? You're gonna get old and jaded and cynical. What does it take to pop that bubble? Life for you is, all peaches and cream. You've had it easy all along, and it's just hard to accept the fact that you can't control life or anticipate what it's gonna throw at you, ain't it? How are you gonna be an inspiring actor if you can't even live life vicariously and explore the unknown? Heard melodies are sweet, but those unheard are sweeter. Isn't that true? We always want what we can't get, regardless of whether they exist or not. Start living in the real world Daph, you need to wake up now, or it might be too late. Stop letting people's decisions and attitudes affect you. Make up your own mind. Find out what you really want. Make a decision. Stop being all nicey-nicey and soft and start being demanding and firm. Andy Garcia's tailored suits in Oceans Eleven didn't just turn up magically, he demanded them. Ibsen didn't just happen to doodle some good plays, he was obsessive and wanted to show Strindberg who was the better playwright. Plato had a utopia in mind, and he made his voice heard, at the price of his life. If you want bad enough to be extraordinary, work towards it. Don't be scared. Don't be lazy. In the field of your heart, well, make up your mind, and stick to it. You can't sit on the fence otherwise you'll be driftwood all your life. It's gonna happen every single time, and each time, you're gonna blame the other person, and you're never gonna realise that you are the root of the problem. It's a tough world kid. You just have to toughen the fuck up and deal with it.
I think I've simply got too much time on my hands for me to think of these things. If I was busy and obsessive, I wouldn't be sitting here right now, happily tappity-tap-tapping away. I really should be sitting with a cup of tea, script in hand, working through my lines.
Oh Dear Lord, Give me Impetus, please. Bathe me with Inspiration, I beg you.
From the pits of my heart,
Daphne xox
Saturday, July 14, 2007
triskaidekaphobia \tris-ky-dek-uh-FOH-bee-uh\, noun: A morbid fear of the number 13 or the date Friday the 13th.What an interesting little fact. Finally I can put a term to use on this irrational fear some people have.
I think Hannah was right when she said "DQ you don't wanna date someone just like you. You'd drive each other crazy."Some wise person also told me that if you pick one of your friends at random, and think of 3 qualities you don't like about them, they're probably the 3 qualities you dislike the most in yourself.I think I'm starting to buy these theories that do nothing but merely speculate.OystonismsTo rise above mediocrity.Turning negative into positive.I've become such a granny. The thought of a girls' night out doesn't fill me with felicitous rapture and jubilation. Rather, I'm thinking 'Damn, this means I'll probably be tired and unproductive the next day. Not good.'How daggy am I?
Sunday, July 08, 2007
I know now why I'm a commitment-phobe. Because when I choose to care about someone, I care wholeheartedly. I can't do a half-arsed job of caring for someone, I'm just not built that way. With me, it's all or nothing. And when I give, I give a hundred and ten percent of me. Hence, before I make the conscious/subconscious decision to commit, I must know for sure that I'm getting 100% back. Otherwise, I shut down. I'm not a commitment-phobe, I'm just very wary on who I choose to commit to. And I make my emotional well-being a prerequisite, and that I know I'll be looked after. Which makes it a bit of a pickle now, because even though I know that 5 months from now, this will all have to end. And I can't let myself get emotionally involved knowing that it will all end someday. Yet even with that knowledge, neither can I pull the plug on it now and end things before anyone gets too attached or too hurt. That's just being a coward and not daring to live. It's tearing me apart inside, and there's nothing I can do about it. So help me Lord. There's no way I can be sensible and wise, because everything just doesn't seem to fall into that category. How is it possible to be in agony and bliss at the same time?
Friday, July 06, 2007
Oh dear dear dear me. I see the makings of a psycho bitch within me. Don't no one push the wrong buttons, or she'll go psycho on you. Trust me, I've seen flickers of it, and it's not a pretty sight. Good luck, that's what I'll tell the poor sod, he has no idea what's he's getting himself into. Or maybe he does, that's why he's so tentative and evasive. I think I'm a bit of an emotional control freak. That'll explain the aggression and narkiness. Watch her as she goes about emotionally sabotaging everything.Why don't you want this to work? Cuz it means that someone other than myself has the power to affect my thoughts. Cuz it means I'm relinquishing some of the power over myself to someone else. Because then, I wouldn't be fully and utterly in control of myself.What's your animal Daph? I think I'm a cat. Aloof and coy, wanting attention. Drawing the affection towards itself by way of aloofness, and never actually begging for affection.
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