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Wednesday, December 13, 2006
1.Suddenly I feel like a little girl all over again, standing before confident adults, wanting their affirmation and adoration, when I'm really standing awkwardly off to the side, just in their field of vision, hoping they'll look my way. And when I do catch their eye, I'm wondering, Do they remember me? I'm right where I was three years ago, things haven't changed. One day, will I ever be on the other side of the glass? Will I be in on the loop and not feeling all awkward and self-conscious??2.I feel it again, this infatuation-filled admiration that fills my very being to the brim whenever I watch someone talented onstage. Although I wouldn't say Sebastian Tan blew my mind in Jack and the Beansprout, he sure is a far cry from watching Hossan Leong or Chua Enlai, if you know what I mean. For one, Hossan and Enlai prefer the road less travelled(until recent times when it's actually the road more travelled, ironically), they don't really enjoy playing in the bushes, they prefer the singing pansies skirting the woods. Not saying for sure that Mr Tan doesn't bat for the other team, but I just don't know yet, so we'll say, for the moment, that he doesn't, though chances are that he does: MDC, Music Theatre buff, what more evidence do we need? Not saying that all guys who're interested in Music Theatre and come from MDC bat for the other team, golly, no, but most of the time, sadly, they do, my personal loss. So, anyhow, back to Mr Tan, yeah..... Good voice, rather cute face, skinny legs, and I fear I feel my yoing girl's heart start to go a flutter. Silly impressionable gullible girls, I make me sick.So I said 'Great show', after waiting for a lifetime for the queue to lighten up and standing socially inept to one side while Bogge chatted with Karen Tan, and stood more awkwardly for another period of time while people welled up for autographs, and then she proceeded to walk away to chat with her theatre friends and I felt all groupie-like and decided I'd missed the boat and told Bogge that maybe we should go, and he was in the middle of a chat with someone, and he turned and beamed 'Thanks', as he stuck out a hand, palm down, as you do, and I kinda did a double take and semi-stuck out my arm halfway too. Like, what Daph? You were hoping to touch fingers and feel a zing? But it was an instinctual reaction, but I felt like a prize fool, but I guess it was my whole 'What do I dowith myself in such a social situaton' awkwardness surfacing. Ahhh, good times. I really really really REALLY want to be part of that group of talented theatre people. I want to be respected for what I do, and I wanna do it well. So depressing. But... he's already 32, he's done SHITLOADS more stuff, both local and overseas, on Broadway, before even breaking into the scene here. And he's perfectly bilingual (I infer that from him having won some Chinese talent singing TCS show), and he can sing beautifully. Will I ever be even half as successful as he is? As Bogge says, You have to work damn hard if you want something, I know... But I'm scared. What if I slog my ass off only to have 'You just don't have what it takes, chickie' thrown in my face, it's gonna kill me. And... seeing Sebastian on stage has made me realise... I think I want to make it here. Big epiphany. Whim of the moment? I want to carve out a destiny in Singapore theatre. But, is that too impulsive a move? I know that, if I stay here for long and work here, all the artistic values that I've accumulated from TSD and Monash will just gradually vanish, seeing the level of theatre here. To make a living, I will have to do mindless retarded shit that will be all pisstakes of Singapore. You become what you're immersed in. In no time, I'll get comfortable, lose touch with theatre that challenges me, become one of the mindless close-minded masses. That thought fears me.Could I possibly be betraying myself?On a lighter, indulgent, (retarded) note, I think I've a slight crush on Sebastian. Though given my luck with men, he's probably gay.Fuck.
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