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Wednesday, December 27, 2006
I wonder, I feel as if I've gotten to a point where I just don't want to care much about anything. It seems like everything is just so... mundane. That's bad. However did this mindset come about? I've no idea. I'm just sick of all the hoo-ha going on. I feel almost like an old jaded cynical hermit. What I seek, I do not find. Yet what I seek not, seems to constantly keep turning up at my doorstep. I can't help but be annoyed with all that life's cast my way, and disappointed with what it keeps away from my outstretched pleaing arm.What am I? Nine? Quit whingeing Daph. Yet I can't help it.Is it selfish of me to not want to bother with all the dramas happening around me at home? It just all seems so... trite. We've been through it before, and we're going through it again, al beit on a different scale. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but of all that's going on, everyone's got a part to blame and everyone's pointing a finger at someone. The folks think the bro's friend is spending too much time with us and sponging off us. He thinks he's not sponging cuz he treats us occasionally. Yet he's making himself tooooo much at home. That's the rough gist of it.And then there's the brother. He's a piece of work. Basically he's so entrenched in his belief that he's the king of the world and anyone who tells him otherwise, he tells them to fuck off. Hence his friend count is zero. His only friend can't talk it anymore. I have to do something about it. Thing is, I've tried so many times in the past. I've just tired of trying, he's gotta wake up somehow. I'm not responsible for him. He's 26, for crying out loud! So, the friend wants me to talk to the bro about his attitude, and the mum wants to me talk to the bro about placing his friends before his family and the friend's sponging off us, and that the bro's not getting younger and it's time to start socialising with not just that one friend. I mean, it's all seemingly trivial, but it's not. It feels like some fucking downward spiral. It's a vicious cycle, I swear. He pisses him off and he's pisses her off as a result and she gets pissed with him and everyone comes crying to me to vent. Venting's fine, it's healthy. But don't fuckig whinge. And don't all expect me to do someone. There's only one of me, and I can only do so much. Not to forget, I have my own life and troubles. Can't I just sit out? Please? It's not in my nature to handle misunderstandings and unhappy situations. I'm not cut out for handling such delicate affairs. Can't they just resolve things themselves? Am I being selfish? Just give me my corner, that's all I ask for.
This is to us Bogge.
Can anybody find me somebody to loveOoh, each morning I get up I die a littleCan barely stand on my feetTake a look in the mirror and cry Lord what you're doing to me I have spent all my years in believing youBut I just can't get no relief, Lord!Somebody ooh somebody Can anybody find me somebody to love ?
~ Somebody to Love, Queen
But to end off on a not so depressive note, this is to us (again) Bogge
Tonight I'm gonna have myself a real good timeI feel alive and the world I'll turn it inside out - yeahAnd floating around in ecstasySo don't stop me now don't stop me'Cause I'm having a good time having a good timeDon't stop me now I'm having such a good timeI'm having a ballDon't stop me nowIf you wanna have a good time just give me a callDon't stop me now ('Cause I'm having a good time)Don't stop me now (Yes I'm havin' a good time)I don't want to stop at allYeah, I'm a rocket ship on my way to MarsOn a collision courseI am a satellite I'm out of controlI am a sex machine ready to reloadLike an atom bomb about toOh oh oh oh oh explode~ Don't Stop Me Now, QueenHAPPY TWENTY SECOND BIRTHDAY BOGGE!!!!!!!!!! Rock on! With or without a plus-one~!!! You don't need an arm adornment!
Thursday, December 21, 2006
So what's this about blogging when you're drunk? Well, just to set the record straight, if I make any typos of grammar mistakes, let it be known that I'm intoxicated. Yeap. Here goes; hehehe.I am only a mouseclick away from possibly making a doofus of myself, or possibly making a great friend. Which? I have no idea. I wish I was drunk enough to just do it and not be able to sit here semi-sober and debate in my mind, guh!! Sooooooo.........?????????? Still undecided. Typical. Women, GUH!!!!~!Okie, sobering up... not good. I wonder, is there internet connection in Genting? ehehhOkie, myspace is just sooo..... convoluted... so much to keep up with, so little time for the internet. Guh!!~!~![ Quote of the Day ]Multiple exclamation marks are a sign of a diseased mind.HA! I am ssssooooo diseased I tell u. I am more diseased than a spotted liver in a can of expired baked beans.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
After having a over-reaction paranoid attack last night, I resolved to 'just heck it, suck it up Daph'. And barely 24hrs later I get a nice surprise. I feel all warm and fuzzy already. Maybe it's not me, it's them. It's what I say to comfort myself, but for now, I believe it. I can't say for sure how I'd feel in a couple of days or months, but we'll see when the time comes.It's a little ego-breaking, when I think it. Among the girls in the Honours group, I'm the only one who hasn't been in any of the plays with the dream casts. I've always been in the underdog play. I've never worked closely with any of the other girls. Will this be primary school all over again? Being the odd one out? But this time round, the stakes are raised. 6 girls. 4 boys. Very many messy hook ups. And a nasty nagging suspicion that one of the girls ain't my biggest fan. Ooopppps, I forget, TWO of those girls aren't too big on me. But I make a promise to myself that next year, my final year in an academic institution, will be nothing short of a mind-rippling journey, where I am pushed to depths I never thought myself capable, whether pushed by myself, or others. I will not let past experiences or bitchy people get to me, I owe myself this much. I will hold my head up high and my talent on my sleeve and I will trudge through this minefield and I will emerge victorious. I owe it to myself. I owe it to my parents. And I owe it to the people who believe in me and whose encouragement has never ceased.I think I need to start getting busy and proving to myself that I can do things. Get cracking you lazy whore!!
Friday, December 15, 2006
So, I'm wondering, in this world of consumerism and capitalism, where do I fit in? If you're rich, famous or beautiful, you're got it made. But if you're none of the three, where does that leave you then? Maybe it was better in ye olde times, where noone gave a damn about anything. As long as they were happy in each other's company, all was fine. But now, everyone's so conscious of bling and all that jazz that it's no longer fine to be content with merely being in someone's company, is it? And by 'company', I mean 'companionship', not 'financial organisation'.Money talks. Sad but true. (Ooooh wasn't that a perfect segue? hehehe) This consumerism is all so very dis-spiriting (if ever there was such a word), and consuming (no pun intended). Without knowing, or wanting to, you get sucked into it, and you find yourself flowing along with the tide of things, getting carried without any knowledge of your will and you almost powerless to stop it because you're caught up in the frenzy of it unwittingly. How to reconcile? GUH! I find it somewhat telling that, a grand total of four people turned up at my housewarming, and when I've got a free pass to the opening of a club, there're no takers. What's it saying about me and my life? Could I possibly be culling off people such that I've only a tiny tiny handful to pick from? Given that Quantity does not mean Quality, yes, but still. It does make one feel somewhat unimportant. Now, don't misunderstand me, this is not a rant about a lack of self-worth or whatever, it's kinda like, where's everything and everyone gone? Every now and then I see huge groups of people, not young teens, those don't count, it's probably some class outing or one of those things, but I see a group of adults and I'm wondering, How are they still so close? They can find time to go out together on a normal occasion, and the people I consider friends can't even make the effort for a special occasion? It makes me kinda wonder bout where I'm gonna be in 5 years. If it's already gonna be such a chore hanging out with friends when we're barely even a year out of uni, when people start getting promotions and bigger responsibilities and families and goal-driven, it's bye-bye old friends, hello networking buddies.Well, maybe I can say that now, seeing as to how I'm the last one left still in uni and not working and slogging for money. Maybe when I'm out there I'm gonna sing a different tune? And who knows, maybe I'll be on the other side of the dishing table, getting 'You're always too busy for us', thrown back in my direction. When that day comes, well, C'est la Vie. You get what you give.The world is a vampire. Haha, you sing it Billy boy.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
1.Suddenly I feel like a little girl all over again, standing before confident adults, wanting their affirmation and adoration, when I'm really standing awkwardly off to the side, just in their field of vision, hoping they'll look my way. And when I do catch their eye, I'm wondering, Do they remember me? I'm right where I was three years ago, things haven't changed. One day, will I ever be on the other side of the glass? Will I be in on the loop and not feeling all awkward and self-conscious??2.I feel it again, this infatuation-filled admiration that fills my very being to the brim whenever I watch someone talented onstage. Although I wouldn't say Sebastian Tan blew my mind in Jack and the Beansprout, he sure is a far cry from watching Hossan Leong or Chua Enlai, if you know what I mean. For one, Hossan and Enlai prefer the road less travelled(until recent times when it's actually the road more travelled, ironically), they don't really enjoy playing in the bushes, they prefer the singing pansies skirting the woods. Not saying for sure that Mr Tan doesn't bat for the other team, but I just don't know yet, so we'll say, for the moment, that he doesn't, though chances are that he does: MDC, Music Theatre buff, what more evidence do we need? Not saying that all guys who're interested in Music Theatre and come from MDC bat for the other team, golly, no, but most of the time, sadly, they do, my personal loss. So, anyhow, back to Mr Tan, yeah..... Good voice, rather cute face, skinny legs, and I fear I feel my yoing girl's heart start to go a flutter. Silly impressionable gullible girls, I make me sick.So I said 'Great show', after waiting for a lifetime for the queue to lighten up and standing socially inept to one side while Bogge chatted with Karen Tan, and stood more awkwardly for another period of time while people welled up for autographs, and then she proceeded to walk away to chat with her theatre friends and I felt all groupie-like and decided I'd missed the boat and told Bogge that maybe we should go, and he was in the middle of a chat with someone, and he turned and beamed 'Thanks', as he stuck out a hand, palm down, as you do, and I kinda did a double take and semi-stuck out my arm halfway too. Like, what Daph? You were hoping to touch fingers and feel a zing? But it was an instinctual reaction, but I felt like a prize fool, but I guess it was my whole 'What do I dowith myself in such a social situaton' awkwardness surfacing. Ahhh, good times. I really really really REALLY want to be part of that group of talented theatre people. I want to be respected for what I do, and I wanna do it well. So depressing. But... he's already 32, he's done SHITLOADS more stuff, both local and overseas, on Broadway, before even breaking into the scene here. And he's perfectly bilingual (I infer that from him having won some Chinese talent singing TCS show), and he can sing beautifully. Will I ever be even half as successful as he is? As Bogge says, You have to work damn hard if you want something, I know... But I'm scared. What if I slog my ass off only to have 'You just don't have what it takes, chickie' thrown in my face, it's gonna kill me. And... seeing Sebastian on stage has made me realise... I think I want to make it here. Big epiphany. Whim of the moment? I want to carve out a destiny in Singapore theatre. But, is that too impulsive a move? I know that, if I stay here for long and work here, all the artistic values that I've accumulated from TSD and Monash will just gradually vanish, seeing the level of theatre here. To make a living, I will have to do mindless retarded shit that will be all pisstakes of Singapore. You become what you're immersed in. In no time, I'll get comfortable, lose touch with theatre that challenges me, become one of the mindless close-minded masses. That thought fears me.Could I possibly be betraying myself?On a lighter, indulgent, (retarded) note, I think I've a slight crush on Sebastian. Though given my luck with men, he's probably gay.Fuck.
Monday, December 04, 2006
What am I doing What am I doing What am I doing What am I doing What am I doing What am I doing What am I doing What am I doing What am I doing What am I doing What am I doing What am I doing What am I doing What am I doing What am I doing What am I doing What am I doing What am I doing What am I doing What am I doing What am I doing What am I doing What am I doing What am I doing What am I doing What am I doing??????????!~?!?!~?????????Someone give me direction.I have to fill my days, to go from A to B and meet Tim then Robert, and proceed on from B to C from Megan to Jacintha. I can't sit on my bum all day long while my mum nags me!!~! I want purpose!!! Do I expect it to fall in my lap?? Quite possibly. The life I lead is so differently to what my parents want. How can I reconcile them both? My parents aren't the kind who let you do your shit and live your life. Fuck, they won't even let me arrange my bedroom furniture without throwing a tantrum cuz I don't wanna have a fucklong table that I'm not gonna use which will only occupy space. Like seriously, this is Singapore, where there're three freaking streetlamps on every corner you turn. And the pavements have streelamps at like, 2metre intervals?? Even if you get lost, just head straight, you'll hit an expressway within 15minutes. So I endeavour to walk home at 1145pm on a Saturday night, along the main roads, where it's so well-lit I can count the number of wrinkles on my fingers. And they throw a fit. Why waste the good weather? It's nice and chilly, which you seldom find here, I didn't feel like going home yet, so why the hell don't I just take a nice walk home? Rather than spoilt it with a car ride with a father who's probably gonna be displeased cuz I'm out til after 11pm (oooohhhhh, naughty), and I'm in a short skirt and a normal spag top, which he deems is too revealing? Seriously, you havent seen revealing til you seen Melbourne girls in clubs. This whole narrowmindedness is seriously starting to shit me up the fuckin Mount Olympus. Or maybe I should just lighten up. After all, When in Rome.
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