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Thursday, November 09, 2006
--Ponder of the Day--Why do they make bird cages where birds can squeeze out between the bars?I want to get rid of that judge sitting on my shoulder; the judge that tells me that I'm not good enough; that I'm doing it wrong; that I can't do it; the judge that holds me back. Can I be so audacious as to attribute it to my conservative asian upbringing? Or is it just me? Am I just scared by nature? Or have I been brought up exposed to the notion that there is only right and wrong/good and bad, and no in betweens which encompass both aspects of good and bad? Because everything should be potentially good, and nothing should be just plain bad. All energy is good energy, no?If living is about taking risks, and as an actor I have to constantly take risks and challenges to push myself to discover new depths, how can I possibly be a risk-taking sensation seeker when I don't even dare to ask someone for his number? Just what is at stake? Absolutely nothing. And yet I fear, and envisage back in cowardice. It is this fear of failure and rejection that is hindering me and holding me back from great possibilities, and I have to seek to overcome it. That shall be my resolution for next year. If I remember it. If I dare to stand up to it.Sometimes I wonder, If I lived only for myself, would I be a happier and more satisfied person? It would mean that I wouldn't have to consider the repercussions if my thoughts and actions on anyone around me, especially my loved ones. Would that make me a better or worse person, I wonder.Am I living my life for the people I love? Or do I put myself before them? What if what I want is not what they want, what then? I know this is gonna sound self-indulgent and selfish and callous, but how can I do great things if I have emotional baggage weighing me down? Do I cast off all baggage and plunge in? Or tiptoe cautiously around the emotional debris? It's all such a huge pickle. You can't win either way.~ Thursday 9th November 0025hrsI've done it again. Less than 12hrs after I made a semi-resolution, I chickened out YET AGAIN. Sometimes I wish someone would just point a pistol at me and go "Do it bitch." GUH!!! So bloody annoying. I'd slap myself if I weren't too chicken to bear with the stinging pain.Just why the fucking hell do I not have guts, I have no freaking clue.Absolutely nothing to lose, heaps to gain. And I didn't dare. Sigh. How funny, the way the female mind works. And I whinge on and on and on and on about it afterwards. Someone should just kick me in my metaphorical balls. Such a whiner Daphne, GUH!!! God helps those that help themselves, helloooooooooo???? That should be my new philosophy. Screw Carpe Diem, baby steps now, girl. And yet another man has slipped past the elusive fingertips of Love/Lust. Nevermind Daph, there'll be plenty more, it's just a matter of whether you've got the guts to seize the donkey by the balls, and whether they're married or not, or seeing someone, or gay, or total tools, or just not into you. There'll be plenty more men in suits, with stable careers and hot cars, without a receeding hairline or a balding scalp. They just have to be into you and vice versa; that's the hard part. Guh. I think that's enough whinging for now, I'm going to go ride my smooth Ryan who's all shiny and clean because I finally got off my ass and gave him a good hard wash. See Daphs, you only get results when you get off your ass and do something, let this be an example for you, silly little goose.~ Thursday 9th November 2109hrs
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