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Thursday, November 23, 2006
A Pinstriped Suit Would Do Fine.I guess, at the end of the day, it's the connections you establish with people in life that make you who you are, and the degree and intensity of those connections that define you as a person. I can't help but feel somewhat lacking, when I wander into my younger brother's room and he's on the phone with his 'dear' *shudder*, and right opposite his room, the older brother is talking to his best friend. Leaving me walking down the stairs dejectedly thinking 'Fuck, now I have no excuse to put off unpacking the heaps of boxes in my room.' Of course, instead of doing just that, here I am, blogging about it. Typical. Shamaine says you want your chocolate cake, you go out and get it. But I haven't made up what cake I want. How? Do I want the double chocolate cake, or the bailey's cheesecake, or the tim tam cheesecake, or the chocolate ripple, or the cherry ripe? Damn, all this talk about cake's making me hungry. At 120am. Healthy, Daphne, very healthy. It goes straight to the hips and thighs, you know that don't you?I feel like my life is at such a hiatus. It's moving neither forwards, nor back. Just sashaying about from left to right, unsure of where to go and what to expect. I feel like a smoke molecule in a bottle, bouncing off the walls and going about in an endless pursuit of nothingness. Searching for a way out but there is none, and everyone is peering at me through the microscope.On top of all that, I need a job.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
I wonder, am I having too much fun and forgetting that I'm on holiday and can't live this way forever? But it's just so wonderful not having to worry about anything, simply because, well, there's nothing to worry about! I'm like the beach ball that'd drifted out to sea and is just bobbing on the waves, not having a care in the world. Gosh, this feels so good. Maybe it's time I started getting down to doing something.Now that I think about it, there's actually heaps of stuff to do, but none pressing. So maybe I'll drift along merrily for now, before I freak out.Maybe I'll do a list; maybe that'll add some pressure on my useless bum.Obligatory To-Do List1. Get back-up disks from Diera2. Write a new CV for scholarship application3. Do my scholarship application4. Call Fiona regarding Honours meeting5. Return overdue library items6. Check emails and reply for auditions7. Get back into drumming8. Start swing dancing9. Start tap dancing10. Take a shower, like right now. My hair's feral11. Clean up the apartment12. Pack for Singapore13. Do the laundry14. Pass Eleanor to Iona and Damian15. Put mail on hold at post office16. Look through past essays for a good one to put in as sample writing for scholarship application17. Go to the gym, GUH!!!18. Get an international gym card to use in Singapore19. Find a man20. Do my dishes21. Take out the trash22. Service Ryan23. Get my books back from Christine, it's been fucken forever24. Delete the messages from my inbox, it's full woman!25. Paint my nailsGosh, notice how the list just deteriorates into daggy girly stuff? hehehe Funny shit.26. Get a MySpace and Facebook account (*wink* to Shamaine)27. Throw out the dead flower sitting atop my telly. It's been there since Rhino... Yeap, I'm that huge of a slob. Hope a lil galaxy isn't forming in there. Hmmm, this kinda falls under no.11, doesn't it? Okie, off to complete no.10 now. GUH!!!
Thursday, November 09, 2006
--Ponder of the Day--Why do they make bird cages where birds can squeeze out between the bars?I want to get rid of that judge sitting on my shoulder; the judge that tells me that I'm not good enough; that I'm doing it wrong; that I can't do it; the judge that holds me back. Can I be so audacious as to attribute it to my conservative asian upbringing? Or is it just me? Am I just scared by nature? Or have I been brought up exposed to the notion that there is only right and wrong/good and bad, and no in betweens which encompass both aspects of good and bad? Because everything should be potentially good, and nothing should be just plain bad. All energy is good energy, no?If living is about taking risks, and as an actor I have to constantly take risks and challenges to push myself to discover new depths, how can I possibly be a risk-taking sensation seeker when I don't even dare to ask someone for his number? Just what is at stake? Absolutely nothing. And yet I fear, and envisage back in cowardice. It is this fear of failure and rejection that is hindering me and holding me back from great possibilities, and I have to seek to overcome it. That shall be my resolution for next year. If I remember it. If I dare to stand up to it.Sometimes I wonder, If I lived only for myself, would I be a happier and more satisfied person? It would mean that I wouldn't have to consider the repercussions if my thoughts and actions on anyone around me, especially my loved ones. Would that make me a better or worse person, I wonder.Am I living my life for the people I love? Or do I put myself before them? What if what I want is not what they want, what then? I know this is gonna sound self-indulgent and selfish and callous, but how can I do great things if I have emotional baggage weighing me down? Do I cast off all baggage and plunge in? Or tiptoe cautiously around the emotional debris? It's all such a huge pickle. You can't win either way.~ Thursday 9th November 0025hrsI've done it again. Less than 12hrs after I made a semi-resolution, I chickened out YET AGAIN. Sometimes I wish someone would just point a pistol at me and go "Do it bitch." GUH!!! So bloody annoying. I'd slap myself if I weren't too chicken to bear with the stinging pain.Just why the fucking hell do I not have guts, I have no freaking clue.Absolutely nothing to lose, heaps to gain. And I didn't dare. Sigh. How funny, the way the female mind works. And I whinge on and on and on and on about it afterwards. Someone should just kick me in my metaphorical balls. Such a whiner Daphne, GUH!!! God helps those that help themselves, helloooooooooo???? That should be my new philosophy. Screw Carpe Diem, baby steps now, girl. And yet another man has slipped past the elusive fingertips of Love/Lust. Nevermind Daph, there'll be plenty more, it's just a matter of whether you've got the guts to seize the donkey by the balls, and whether they're married or not, or seeing someone, or gay, or total tools, or just not into you. There'll be plenty more men in suits, with stable careers and hot cars, without a receeding hairline or a balding scalp. They just have to be into you and vice versa; that's the hard part. Guh. I think that's enough whinging for now, I'm going to go ride my smooth Ryan who's all shiny and clean because I finally got off my ass and gave him a good hard wash. See Daphs, you only get results when you get off your ass and do something, let this be an example for you, silly little goose.~ Thursday 9th November 2109hrs
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