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Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Sometimes you just feel like... like a piece of driftwood, washed up ashore, all limp, bloated, and lifeless. Just sitting there, til you start to disintegrate and rot, only to return to the earth where you came from. Ashes to ashes, Dust to dust.Either that, or it's just the PMS talking. I personally think it's a bit of both.And maybe not getting any action for goodness-remembers-how-long.It seems as if I'm not making any connections with people here. A friend told me that the most enlightening/entertaining/thought-invoking church service she went to was when the pastor spoke of how life is all about making human connections. I totally agree. Yet somehow I feel like I'm not establishing any connections here, regardless of how hard I try. To make a connection you first have to have something in common, something that binds you together. Well, I feel as if I lack even that very first piece of material to establish a conenction with. Where can one go from there? It just feels as if everytime I try, I barely make progress. Or it gets shunned. Or stuffed right back in my face. I'm sick of this. Call me timid and scared, but fuck this shit. I'm sucking it up, and I'm moving on. I feel so disconnected from life right now and everyone in it. The connections I make with people just seem so much less important and deep that I get passed over for everything by everyone. Suddenly this seems to be turning into a self-wallowing indulgent entry. Well fuck it, if I have something on my mind, I feel I'm allowed to express it. I've been trying so hard to establish and maintain relationships with people all round me, and time and again I keep being disappointed. Maybe I just live a different reality to everyone else I know here. Sometimes I just want to move to some desolate corner and become a hermit. That would entail giving up my dreams. I don't think I'm strong enough to stick out with drawing my dreams, one after the other. So I'll just give it all up and say to Life, "I've had enough. Just let me be." Or maybe all this is just PMS talking.Or maybe I just need someone whom I know I can run to at anytime, who will not judge me.Or maybe I just need a little bit of love and attention, just so I know I'm still loved and that I matter.They say, as cliches would have it, that 'To the world, you might just be someone. But you might just mean the world to someone'. Well, I don't believe that shit. Not yet anyone. I haven't found that someone whose existence depends on me. And when I do, maybe I'll feel more prepared for this harsh harsh world.
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