|
|
| |
|
 |
| |
Thursday, October 26, 2006
omg omg Omg OMG!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe this, three years of academic studying, reading books after books, plays after plays, tedium after tedium... I am done with essay writing!!!! (For this year, at least. Well, let's make it sound more exciting, for my Undergrad, YEAH!!!!!)OH MAN!!!! How bloody good does it feel?? FUCK YEAH!!!!!!!! It feels fucken great alright!!!!!!!!!! I am positively pumped!!!!! It's as if a weight's been lifted off my weighed down mind, and I can't stop wearing this faint shadow of a smile!!!!!!! It's great! I feel free! I feel happy! All this post needs now is for me to burst into 'I feel pretty, So pretty and witty and gay!'Oh gosh... this is fucking amazing... I feel SO good.... And now I'm going to celebrate by being a nerd and walking down to the multimedia section of the library and viewing Jean Cocteau's videos... What? The man's a genius okie... eheheh Plus everyone's either busy or already out, I guess. I'm gonna celebrate with my surrealist idol, YEAH! Sing out for the masses, uh-huh! Uh-huh! I say HO! HI! HEY!Gimmi a Heyyyyy-HO!!This feels good, this feels SO good... right, now all I need is to get smashed and pashed ehehehLiberation and frivolity, Here I come!!!
Thursday, October 19, 2006
I think God truly does work in wonderful ways. On my way through The Den some guy had a shirt on that had some really intense God-slogan, and my friend and I had a laugh about how full-on his shirt was. Butyet, He's proven himself almighty ceaselessly, all the time.I now have a pet budgie. He's fat and white with a yellow undertone, and he's got a tinge of green on his underbelly and he's got red eyes, and his name's Eleanor El Bird. I know that Eleanor's a girl's name, but a friend asked if I'd name the bird after her and I spontaneously said 'Why not?'. And now I have a pet budgie. I will go buy him/her a cage and some feed in a bit, on the way back home. I only hope he's all right and well in the box in my car. Least the car's in the shade, I hope he's having a sound sleep, cuz he's had a rough day and he's probably slightly in shock.How apt is this timing? Just a couple of weeks ago I was pining for a puppy. The only factor that held me back from getting a puppy was the fact that no one would be able to take care of him when I go home in December; a puppy'g gonna cost heaps; I don't wanna get just any-ol dog, I want a Great Dane and my tiny tiny tiny flat is no place for a Great Dane; a Great Dane puppy'll cost me two months' rent probably. Did I say 'only factor'? And so I thought I was condemned to a life of loneliness. Til Diera chanced upon the poor lil birdie sitting alone in the back lane, all alone and gushed to me excitedly about it after spending the better part of an hour playing with it. I believe this is God's way of comforting me, that there is so much I can look forward to in the future, distant or near. In this perilous time where the next two weeks stand between me and the deciding stance of my future, I guess it's His way of saying that I'm not alone. Unless, of course, I return to my car and find Eleanor El Bird stone cold dead.It hit me this afternoon that I had just walked out from the very last lecture of my undergraduate life. It was a strangly liberating yet foreign feeling. It's like having your apron strings cut and being free to roam wherever you want to. Okie, not a very good example, is it?It's kinda like... You know when you finish high school? You go 'YAY!!! LIBERATION!!' But not really, cuz you've got junior college. And when you're done with junior college you go 'HOT DAMN! I'M GOING TO UNI!!!!' But now it's kinda like 'Shit, what do I do now?' It's all very very very odd, more so now that my laptop's crashed and I can only work from the uni library, and every night at home I'm always wondering what I can possibly do, when previously all I'd ever done was go online and there was always something I could do, like play online Yahoo games. Hmmm, that says a lot about my life, doesn't it? Well, enough procrastination, I jsut found out I have to put some water for my lil Eleanor El Bird the budgie, or s/he might just die. Oopsss... I'm outta here!!
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Sometimes you just feel like... like a piece of driftwood, washed up ashore, all limp, bloated, and lifeless. Just sitting there, til you start to disintegrate and rot, only to return to the earth where you came from. Ashes to ashes, Dust to dust.Either that, or it's just the PMS talking. I personally think it's a bit of both.And maybe not getting any action for goodness-remembers-how-long.It seems as if I'm not making any connections with people here. A friend told me that the most enlightening/entertaining/thought-invoking church service she went to was when the pastor spoke of how life is all about making human connections. I totally agree. Yet somehow I feel like I'm not establishing any connections here, regardless of how hard I try. To make a connection you first have to have something in common, something that binds you together. Well, I feel as if I lack even that very first piece of material to establish a conenction with. Where can one go from there? It just feels as if everytime I try, I barely make progress. Or it gets shunned. Or stuffed right back in my face. I'm sick of this. Call me timid and scared, but fuck this shit. I'm sucking it up, and I'm moving on. I feel so disconnected from life right now and everyone in it. The connections I make with people just seem so much less important and deep that I get passed over for everything by everyone. Suddenly this seems to be turning into a self-wallowing indulgent entry. Well fuck it, if I have something on my mind, I feel I'm allowed to express it. I've been trying so hard to establish and maintain relationships with people all round me, and time and again I keep being disappointed. Maybe I just live a different reality to everyone else I know here. Sometimes I just want to move to some desolate corner and become a hermit. That would entail giving up my dreams. I don't think I'm strong enough to stick out with drawing my dreams, one after the other. So I'll just give it all up and say to Life, "I've had enough. Just let me be." Or maybe all this is just PMS talking.Or maybe I just need someone whom I know I can run to at anytime, who will not judge me.Or maybe I just need a little bit of love and attention, just so I know I'm still loved and that I matter.They say, as cliches would have it, that 'To the world, you might just be someone. But you might just mean the world to someone'. Well, I don't believe that shit. Not yet anyone. I haven't found that someone whose existence depends on me. And when I do, maybe I'll feel more prepared for this harsh harsh world.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
No One Shits JamIt's 635 pm, and I should be at home, working on my last two essays for this semester. For this year. For what could possibly be the last two essays, ever, in my life. Yet I'm in the library, using the computers because my laptop has crashed and I feel just slightly ever so helpless. All alone in an empty flat, with nothing but the telly, and I can't even go online to find out the tv program.I feel like I've reached yet another crossroads in my life. To be, or not to be. Is that really the question? Suddenly I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a Olympus and I know I'm capable of so much if only I dared to try and scale it. But I'm scared. What if I fail? What if I fall? What if I give up halfway? What if I reach the top only to find that the view isn't as beautiful as all those postcards depict? All I have to do is just turn around right now and go home to my comfy bed, where dinner awaits on the table and a supportive family awaits. Do I want it enough to dare to risk? Or rather, Do I have what it takes to keep me going all the way? I think that's the question I should be asking myself.What are my options?A. - to Honours and extend my decision on what to do with my life by a year.B. - apply for Honours and defer it for a year and try and crave a life for myself here in that year. Problems: - Who will want to employ someone with no sales/hospitality experience?- I will always be the token Asian character in whatever plays I audition for.- Where will my money come from? I need a day job to sustain myself, I can't keep taking money from the dad.- How do I break the news to the family?- How do I solve the visa problem? I can't stay on in that one defered year with a student visa, can I?C. - finish up my degree and go back to Singapore and start from Ground Zero and try to break into the theatre scene. Problems: - Will I be able to get back into the Singaporean mentality, and way of life? - Have I gotten my fill of the freedom and liberation here in Melbourne?- Will I sell out and do typical non-challenging, non-provoking theatre?- Can I make a difference?- Will my spirit diminish because it's not fed by the environment it's in?So many questions, yet no answers prevail. Peter says we have to trust ourselves. I can't trust myself. I can't even decide what I want for dinner, let alone what I want to do with my life, and if I'm brave enough to stick it through.Sometimes I think I'm just too conditioned to the Singaporean way of thinking. I want the safe route. I want security and insurance. I want to know that nothing is at risk. I want to know that I will come out tops. I want to know that I will succeed. And that very strain of thought goes against the very core of my theatrical being. Theatre without risk is not Theatre. How can I compromise these two dichotomic atoms in me? Do I trust in myself enough to know that if I work hard, I can and will succeed in being an actor and a theatre practioner? I don't know. I want someone to tell me that they believe in me. Because I don't know if I believe in myself. Maybe life is like taking on a role in a play. It's a constant discovery and exploration. And you keep hitting obstacles and problems, and sometimes you solve them, sometimes you don't. Sometimes you throw away things that don't work. Sometimes something works, but it doesn't fit in with the rest of the theme. Sometimes you feel like you can't overcome something, and you work ever so hard at it, but to no avail. And one day, everything magically clicks and falls into place, and Voila, you've found your character. Will that day come?I've been working on a monologue from Lady Macbeth for the past three weeks, and up til this morning I had difficulties with the opening lines. Yet I magically cracked it today. It was believeable. I was astounded. At that moment I thought. 'I can do this.' I picked Lady Macbeth not because I wanted to impress. Not because I thought too highly of myself. I picked it because I was ambitious and I knew I had someone there to guide me through it. Right now I need someone to walk with me, to reassure and guide me, and tell me that I can do this, that I can embark on this route that I seek. That I can immerse myself in this volatile life of uncertainty and ride the waves. I will never emerge tops. It's a fact I have to face and embrace. I just need someone to tell me that I can do this. Because I don't know if I can.To turn the negative into positive. It is possible. I need to constantly remind myself. And as Peter says, 'No one shits jam.' So true.
|
|
 |
|
 | |
|
