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Wednesday, August 30, 2006
You know how sometimes you want to say something yet you don't really have a very clear idea as to what it is you want to express? Well, I'm in one of those moods right now. In fact, I've constantly been in that mood for the past few days. I don't know. I fear I'm fucking things up. I fear I'm fucking myself up. I fear I'm fucking my life up. Nothing really big and life-changing, no. But just the infinite amount of tiny things that take place every day. Ah well, my, my. So many things are happening in so many aspects of my life right now, it's like I'm caught in a whirlpool. I'm spiraling downward, yet I'm so blissfully unaware of it. I have no idea what I'm doing to myself, and what I'm doing to the people around me. I feel as if I'm screwing up big time. No, correction: I feel as if I'm potentially screwing up big time. Makes sense? I don't know. What am I doing? Why am I doing what I'm doing? I don't know. I think I'm just over-reacting and making a big hoo-ha over nothing really. We do that all the time, don't we all? You develop uncertainties with regards to the things you do and you start getting all philosophical and reflective and wanky in your head. Pfffft. Bloody drama students.Meh. I think I need some sleep. And quality rest. And just some time to just chill properly.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Why do I base my own expectations and judgements on others? I guess I've become so immersed in the 'theatre crowd' that I've kind of fallen out of touch with the 'real world'... have I? Points to note:- Not everyone is as affectionate and wacked as we are.- Just because we do/say/express exactly how we feel doesn't mean there aren't people who hide their feelings - I don't play mind games. Sadly, most normal people do.- Contrived flirting; one word: Eeww. - Sweet nothings and meaningless assurances: Get over it.- Not everyone understands that it's one massive (backstabbing) family in performing arts, and that what you see might not necessarily be what you get.- I am my own person, don't expect me to succumb to societal expectations of what's supposedly right, or what you assume I should be doing.Have I become a cynical defensive witch who's so scared of being touched meaningfully that she puts up all walls possible to prevent anyone from getting in? I feel like I need to cut the world some slack. But I simply can't stand cliched cop-outs! URGH! Shits me up the wall like a motherfucker! I cringe at the very core of my being!I fear for myself. I fear I've become numb to the infinite possibilities of wondrousness in the world that I've become isolated from.I think I need to hit myself over the head with the 'Just Chill' stick.Suddenly all these expectations are placed upon me just because someone thinks it's the prerequisite of an expression of interest. But... What about me?, as Shannon Noll sings, It isn't fair. Haha!!! Oppps, I digress. I don't know. I've got a whole truckload of mixed feelings and it's driving me nuts. It's cramping my style, I can't think/feel straight. I wish I could say and do exactly what I want, but I know that's going to hurt someone. Just let me go back to my happy bubble of solitude. I'm too used to that, it's gonna take more than a few sweet meaningless words and sappy cringe-worthy flirting to get me out of there and break the walls of this cold hearted bitch. Like I said, I don't play that game.You want my affections? You gotta earn them. Hard, but fair. In true Aussie style.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
And just when you thought the storm had blown over and everything had resumed normality. Sigh. It just never ends, does it? This whole matter is fucken shitting me up the fucken Goddamn wall. It's like it comes in waves and hits you fucken smack between the eyes. I'm so annoyed right now I swear if I didn't have neighbours I'd be yelling my lungs out. God. I can't handle people. Sometimes I think maybe I would be happier living on some deserted green hill with lush green grass, a pony, and a library of books. Come to think of it, it really was my stupidity which got me into all this shit. Like seriously Daph, once bitten, twice shy, no? If someone blabbed the first time, of fucking course they're gonna blab again. DUH. I'm such a stupid cunt, I don't believe myself. I don't care what people think anymore, just give me my fucken peace of mind, can?????????????? Human beings are just such fucking cunts to live with, myself included.I can't stand this entire drama.On a different, lighter note, Thank God, boys are such funny creatures ehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
And if you thought this girl was without claws, oh no no... Big mistake. How wrong you will be. It's natural selection; aclimatising; fitting in; learning the ways of the world; being smart; streetwise. Call it whatever you must, but this girl has got some bite. When you find you're pushed to a point where you don't care anymore, not totally true, if I didn't care at all I wouldn't be writing this post, hmmm. But when you find you're pushed to a point where you just explode 'That's it. Fuck it. Whatever.', that's when the mice start streaming out to play. The tiny mice with their vindictive little scheming teeth. Oh I can be sneaky, dirty and contemptible alright. You just have to push me far enough. Daphne's bark may be worse than her bite, on the rare occasion when she does bark, but ho ho, the bark's infused with a new bite now. (How bad was that pun? heheh)There's a limit to what I can take, and seriously, a person can't stay nice forever, I can't stick my head in the sand and ignore all that's going on around me. You get what you give, and if you're going to be a dirty foul bastard who breaks all the rules, don't expect me to play nice. I may not stoop to their level, that's cause I have dignity and morals, but believe me, I'm capable of dirty tricks as well.I used to think that I wasn't one of those people who played mind games and silly childish vindictive power games. Oh well, maybe people do change. They adapt. *purrr*On a lighter note, on my way out of the washroom in the performing arts centre, the door opposite the ladies bathroom door was open and I peeked in and saw the hot dude sitting at the computer doing his stuff. We'd been subtly making eye contact for a while, and I was always shy and looked away and didn't want to be too direct. But today, I was on a roll!!!!! So I maintain eye contact with him whenever he passes, at least 2 secs, ranging to 4-5 secs, which is an eternity really, when you're staring into a stranger's eyes. And whenever I pass his office and he hears me talking he'll look up just as I pass. Heh. SO, he walks pass, I'm lying on my belly in the foyer, I stare at him, he meets my eyes, we maintain eye contact for like, 4 secs, and then he averts his eyes to the other direction and there's a slight hint of a smile on his lips!! How exciting!!! Tell me that doesn't mean something! Come ON!!!!SO, bottom line is, I had a random CRAZY idea. It's merely a passing thought, I was nowhere near putting it into action. Well, to be perfectly honest, I almost did, heheh but the fear of humiliation put me off. So, I walk out of the washroom, he's seated at his computer in his office, and I have this strong urge to walk straight into his office, shut the door behind me, and just stand against the door and see what happens. Isn't that a rad idea?!?~!?~ I think it's so totally interesting to see what happens!!!!!!! Wouldn't it? Don't get me wrong, I'm not prostituting myself or anything, not literally anyway. But it's be great just to see what his reaction would be. Hmmm. Maybe I might put that idea into action the next time I get a chance. Heheh. Might wanna consult some people first. Cause they reckon he's pretty up himself and thinks he's all that. I reckon he's just a softie with a tough front who's afraid of rejection. Very much like me. Well, the old me. The new me's a tad bit more brazen and out there. Which is great! So I really should put my plan into action eh? We'll see heheh.So not only is she a promiscuous minx, she's also mean and bitchy, and a tease. Yowser! Here she comes!!!!
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....Where do I even begin? Hmmm.You know how some people just talk a lot? And I mean, a lot. And they kinda don't realise that not everyone is as liberal as they are in their speech? And sometimes, well, it's more like 'all the time', they spout gossip about you that you don't really want just any Tom, Dick or Harry to know? And they kinda exaggerate things and kinda twart things around a little? Well, I'm over these people. Like, seriously, my current attitude is 'whatever'. I can only care so much without imploding, and I'm not in a position to tell anyone how to act. So, screw it. Everyone here's so liberal and gossipy anyway, by next week I'd be old news. Unless, of course, some people keep bringing certain things up. *ironic snort*I know it's not her fault, no, she's just naturally big-mouthed, but I can't help but feel as if she's merely using my gossip for the juiciness factor. However, the thing that makes me most furious, is when she tells people not to say that she was the one who told them the goss. Like what the fuck? If you're capable of dishing the goss, why can't you have the balls to stand accountable for it? That's fucked. You don't gossip about friends. Do you? I know I wouldn't, it's just not kosher. Or maybe I'm just being tremendously naive. Oh, just grow up Daphne. Get over yourself. Geez. Maybe to some people you're just good as goss material, get off your high horse already.I can foresee myself having heaps and heaps of rehearsals in the next few weeks, and I'm thrilled!!!!!!!!! That's one thing to look forward to, except that in the 3hrs that I had between rehearsals today I had scheduled in 'homework time', to read my play for tomorrow's class. And guess what? 'Homework time' was spent milling in the PAC foyer chatting. And you wonder why I don't have time for homework, or a job. Hmmm. It's terrible, I should really start getting my act together, no more wasting of time!!! Urgh!!! Some people just never learn. Totally unproductive, but good fun. I need to put myself out there more, to not be afraid, to not hold back, and just plummet into whatever. That should be the way. Harumphf.
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