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Thursday, June 08, 2006
Look what you've done my dear, look what you've gone and done.Open your eyes and look at the precipice you've uncovered. The path that once upon a long long time ago you said you would never ever tread on. Yet now, look where you've ended up. I just can't believe the foolish simplicity of the naivety and wide-eyed foolishness that has landed me where I am. Sometimes I really wonder if certain things that happened, was I asking for it?I've gone and trashed my wonderland, now I have to face the music.Something so wrong that time and again, I, We, have always been adamently been against it. Yet in the blink of an eye I've soiled my rainbow. Am I simply just plain stupid? Or am I just hopeless? I really have no idea. Why does it seem as if it's always me? Is it me? Or is it just the given circumstances?Do you want to know the worst part of it all? It that I don't even feel remotely as bad as I should. I don't feel as bad as I would have, had this happened once upon that long long time ago, which really isn't all that far back in time.Don't get me wrong, I'm not simply just getting on with my life, hair in the wind, without a care in the world. I do think about what I've done, and I do wish things didn't have to turn out the way they did, but that's the way it is now, and I'm just accepting it and moving on. Have I learnt my lesson?I can't say for sure.I hope I have.I want to have.But I can't be certain.Where has that part of me gone? It's like a part of me has died, and the new me is jaded and calloused. Like scar tissue, tough from ancient hurts and experiences. What have I done to that innocent babe of long long ago? She's somewhere inside, buried beneath all the debris, but she's taken on a new form, she's gone from physical loitering to being the emotional gatekeeper.I don't know which is better. I just can't go back to who I used to be. I can't take back all the things I've done. I'm like a piece of oil-stained fabric. You can never get the stain out, it only fades with time, but never goes away fully. From now on, you use this piece of fabric strictly for cleaning up oil, because that's what happens, Filth can only love filth.
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