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We weren't born with a name, we were given a name. A hedgehog doesn't have a name. It's just a nameless thing with a handful of flesh and skin and a beating heart. A hedgehog doesn't even know it doesn't have a name.
 
 
   
 
Thursday, May 04, 2006
 
Yes,
Exit Denial stage right :
I Am One Possessive Cunt.

I'm over it, him. I guess. Kinda. I hops so. There's just too much going on around him, I'm never sure of where I stand, I don't want to be part of the carnival because it's just not my thing. I can't simply be a passive bystander and jump in only when I feel like it and hurtle out again when I'm not in the mood. I simply can't. I'm not built to detach and entangle myself this way. Not physically, not emotionally. I'd go insane. I know it's nothing, I know nothing means anything, but I just can't help feeling a little unappreciated. And I'm better than this. I deserve better. I know that, which is why I'm letting go. I know that if I merely go on for the chase, make my Move No. 1 I could have him so easily. I kinda let slip that I contemplated it, but I couldn't tell much from his reaction. Although my attitude was one of nonchalence too. It might have got him thinking, might have not, who cares? I don't, not anymore. If it happens, it happens. I'm just gonna put in my worth, and that's that. I am No.1 in the line, I think, and it used to be fun when it was only me. But there's been an influx of late, and it shits me that there's more and more people jumping on the band wagon. It's annoys me that I'm not sure of where I stand. It frustrates me that I can't just kick back and still reap my rewards at the end of the day. It unsettles me that I have to fight and conduct subconscious mind games to ensure that I come out tops, and that's shit, because this is not a game. It's not a battle, and I know it, yet I'm treating it like it is. It's a game of power, that's what it is, and I want to have the absolute hold-all without having to lose an arm or leg. I'm not willing to conduct emotional warfare on myself. Which is why I'm throwing in the towel and retiring to the wings. He can go cast his attention on the others, I'm giving up my share of it willingly. If I can't have it all, I won't have any at all.

 

 
   
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