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Monday, May 29, 2006
'I reckon when you get past 22, that's when everything falls into place.'So I guess that's where I'm at now. And it is rather true though, this year has been nothing short of a milestone for me. I've been through my worst ever depressive state and managed to emerge sane, least I think I did; I've tasted love; I managed to come to terms with my feelings and thoughts; I've made discoveries about myself and why I do what I do. I'm still struggling to come to terms with the fact that my parents will not be there for me forever, and even as I write this post, they are slowly but surely slipping away from me ever so slightly, and it breaks my heart so much that I simply cannot entertain the thought of them felling seriously ill of passing on, because it brings tears to my eyes, without fail. I guess it's all part of growing up, and realising that your parents are not invincible. That they are human, and humans die. And that one day, I too, will come to pass. Scary shit this is.I had an epiphany just yesterday. I reckon, that I come across as always happy and ridiculous and non-serious because life is such a shithole, that if you can't learn to laugh at things, then you're stuffed. There's no way you can get through life without learning to laugh a little: at yourself, at random events, at the most banal uninteresting things that occur. That's why I act as I do, and laugh at the most random things, and that's why I'm always taking the piss out of myself. Because if I start taking myself too seriously, I'll go mad.Also, I'm starting to learn how to embrace my emotions. I think I deserve a pat on the back for that. If you thought I cried easily then, oh, wait til you see me now. I cry at the slightest things now. And it's not because I'm weak or whatever. It's because you start to see the fragility of humanity, the delicate web of our human nature, in the slightest most mundane things. Our fears and delusions. They start to emerge in the strangest of places, and seeing these touches of humanity in the coldness of people makes me think Life is Beautiful, and I being to appreciate and embrace our poignant fragility, and the beauty that underlies it all. Mankind is cruel to no end, but humanity is beautiful, and everyday I try to catch a glimpse of that in my surroundings. Just to remind me of our ephemerality. I'm not ashamed of my tears anymore. They make me who I am, and if people cannot handle that fact that I'm just more easily affected by my surroundings than most people, then I don't think they could handle me, and it's not my loss. It doesn't mean I'm weird or full-on or intense, hell no, it just means I'm more in touch with my inner senses, and I think that's where my essence lies, and it's where I get my strength and grounding from. Even though I'm not too sure where I am now, I reckon I'm happier, and I'm on the path to self-discovery and growth, and that excites me. I can't wait to see what else is being thrown my way, and how I react to them. I've gone through so much shit and grown so much this year, it's amazing. I've tackled things I never thought I'd be able to, and I've surpassed myself in ways I never thought possible. I'm really proud of myself, artistically, and mentally. I've proven to people that I'm capable of certain things, but most of all, I've proven to myself what I'm capable of, and anyone who tells me I'm shit, I should tell them to fuck off. I make myself proud, and I can only hope I continue to do so. So, a toast, to being 22. Chin chin.Eschatological List of Things I've Done This Year Which Have Been Personal Milestones, Character-wise, and Theatre-wise- played the lead in a Chinese musical- which was a shithouse amateur production but I stuck through because I didn't want to let down the person who roped me into it- got a main part in an ensemble play - kissed a boy onstage and managed to get very physical with him too, without doing damage to our artistic integrity- worked on my own for a devised piece, which turned out beautiful and everyone loved- held my tongue on so many occasions when I just wanted to lash out, in particular at a certain someone who was parodying another classmate's piece. You do not make fun of someone's art, not cool. - allowed myself to cry in mid-conversation when something being said touched a certain cord in me and did not brush it off or act all ashamed about it. Embraced it and was sheepish, but it was me, and it was real. And that's all that matters.So much more shit, but I could go on for ever, just listing the obvious few off the top of my head. Alrite, enough of my rant, I'm waking up early to go to uni to watch some 1st year class showings that I don't need to go for. I'm so good. It's good karma. To bed, to bed.
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