|
|
| |
|
 |
| |
Monday, May 29, 2006
'I reckon when you get past 22, that's when everything falls into place.'So I guess that's where I'm at now. And it is rather true though, this year has been nothing short of a milestone for me. I've been through my worst ever depressive state and managed to emerge sane, least I think I did; I've tasted love; I managed to come to terms with my feelings and thoughts; I've made discoveries about myself and why I do what I do. I'm still struggling to come to terms with the fact that my parents will not be there for me forever, and even as I write this post, they are slowly but surely slipping away from me ever so slightly, and it breaks my heart so much that I simply cannot entertain the thought of them felling seriously ill of passing on, because it brings tears to my eyes, without fail. I guess it's all part of growing up, and realising that your parents are not invincible. That they are human, and humans die. And that one day, I too, will come to pass. Scary shit this is.I had an epiphany just yesterday. I reckon, that I come across as always happy and ridiculous and non-serious because life is such a shithole, that if you can't learn to laugh at things, then you're stuffed. There's no way you can get through life without learning to laugh a little: at yourself, at random events, at the most banal uninteresting things that occur. That's why I act as I do, and laugh at the most random things, and that's why I'm always taking the piss out of myself. Because if I start taking myself too seriously, I'll go mad.Also, I'm starting to learn how to embrace my emotions. I think I deserve a pat on the back for that. If you thought I cried easily then, oh, wait til you see me now. I cry at the slightest things now. And it's not because I'm weak or whatever. It's because you start to see the fragility of humanity, the delicate web of our human nature, in the slightest most mundane things. Our fears and delusions. They start to emerge in the strangest of places, and seeing these touches of humanity in the coldness of people makes me think Life is Beautiful, and I being to appreciate and embrace our poignant fragility, and the beauty that underlies it all. Mankind is cruel to no end, but humanity is beautiful, and everyday I try to catch a glimpse of that in my surroundings. Just to remind me of our ephemerality. I'm not ashamed of my tears anymore. They make me who I am, and if people cannot handle that fact that I'm just more easily affected by my surroundings than most people, then I don't think they could handle me, and it's not my loss. It doesn't mean I'm weird or full-on or intense, hell no, it just means I'm more in touch with my inner senses, and I think that's where my essence lies, and it's where I get my strength and grounding from. Even though I'm not too sure where I am now, I reckon I'm happier, and I'm on the path to self-discovery and growth, and that excites me. I can't wait to see what else is being thrown my way, and how I react to them. I've gone through so much shit and grown so much this year, it's amazing. I've tackled things I never thought I'd be able to, and I've surpassed myself in ways I never thought possible. I'm really proud of myself, artistically, and mentally. I've proven to people that I'm capable of certain things, but most of all, I've proven to myself what I'm capable of, and anyone who tells me I'm shit, I should tell them to fuck off. I make myself proud, and I can only hope I continue to do so. So, a toast, to being 22. Chin chin.Eschatological List of Things I've Done This Year Which Have Been Personal Milestones, Character-wise, and Theatre-wise- played the lead in a Chinese musical- which was a shithouse amateur production but I stuck through because I didn't want to let down the person who roped me into it- got a main part in an ensemble play - kissed a boy onstage and managed to get very physical with him too, without doing damage to our artistic integrity- worked on my own for a devised piece, which turned out beautiful and everyone loved- held my tongue on so many occasions when I just wanted to lash out, in particular at a certain someone who was parodying another classmate's piece. You do not make fun of someone's art, not cool. - allowed myself to cry in mid-conversation when something being said touched a certain cord in me and did not brush it off or act all ashamed about it. Embraced it and was sheepish, but it was me, and it was real. And that's all that matters.So much more shit, but I could go on for ever, just listing the obvious few off the top of my head. Alrite, enough of my rant, I'm waking up early to go to uni to watch some 1st year class showings that I don't need to go for. I'm so good. It's good karma. To bed, to bed.
Friday, May 26, 2006
Back on Planet LovepukeSo it is that 18days (really? I thought it felt like a month or so) after we bump out, we have another get together, and as the cards would have it, the same people turned up as the previous time, don't get me wrong, the others said they'd come, but work got to them, a mysterious cough that went away miraculously the next day, essays, the usual.It was a good night, being around real eople. I really want to develop the friendships that we have, we get along very fine, and I can see myself forging long lasting friendships with a few of them, yet everyone's so busy with uni and work, and the extra effort to establish and maintain a new friendship is too hard to keep up. I guess these gatherings will just have to suffice. Although I have to add, 'Give me back my black (and white) t-shirt, you bitch' Ha, in-joke.'Developments with McBurnie'. I feel really bad and indulgent, as people come asking me bout what's going on with me and him, and I ask them what they've heard, and we talk, rah-rah-rah. It's as if I'm centering in on me, and not really giving much to them. Yesterday:7 conversations with different people (in 4 hrs, feeling like a bit of an anti-social here)6 conversations were concerned with filling people in on the Lovepuke night which they missed, or were not a part of5 conversations contained the above-mentioned topic of McBurnie and me (M&M, for short)4 hrs in uni, where all this took place (had to repeat it just for the sake of the numerical running order)3 conversations had M&M as the central themeI really think I'm starting to become that self-indulgent person that I'm trying not to be. But when you're steeped in an environment where everyone wants to have a say and everyone's clamouring for attention, you find yourself constantly giving and giving, and before long you find you need some attention too because you've always been giving and not receiving much. So you start by over-compensating on all the lost time and attention, and before long, you realise you've become self-indulgent and selfish. I need to hold back, ration it out. Find myself and my footing.This is not who you are. Don't become a sponge. ~ The dearly departed Aunt Serene whom I will always love and think on her words of wisdom. God bless her soul. Well, in defence of myself, it's not as if I just started talking bout M&M out of nowhere, it's just that one thing led to another, and now a couple of things point toward M&M, and hence everyone's asking/talking about it. I myself honestly have no clue as to where it's all headed. Well, that's a lie. I do, but I'm not sure if it's gonna head where it's supposed to. Does that make sense? Barely. Ah but it's a long story, and I'm not going to go into all the details. Not everyone loves a bit of overly juicy goss. Well, some people live for it, most people just hear it and dismiss it and/or spread it, and exaggerate it. Ahh the beauty of human nature. It's like when Stanley tells Blanche 'We've had this date coming from the start.' I honestly feel like that's M&M, that is, if anything ever turns out. We'll see.It's a tough call, do you review you own naivety in such a cut-throat world and learn the trade and jump on the band-wagon to keep yourself from going crazy? Or do you hold onto it strong and fast, and hold out for other naivettes to come along and embrace them tightly?
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
I feel like I need to say this.I miss my friends.My real friends.Friends I know would never bitch about me viciously to other people yet still hang out with me and pretend to be the best of friends.People who are really intrinsically nice. Who think of others too, and not just themselves.Who will not bitch about someone else whom they know dislikes me, and say that that perosn is really not very nice, yet still get along like a house on fire and not stand up for me when that person's taking a shot at me.Friends who have been through shit with me, and know my quirks, and accept me and love me for my quirks. Instead of just judging me. So disillusioned right now. It's like waking from a dream and knowing there's no way to reconcile things, except to go back to sleep, in full knowledge that I'll have to wake up again.I'm so close to imploding I feel the urge to just lash out at someone. Anyone. But particularly at that someone who's really giving me the shits. I've never met anyone as mean as her. I want to just be the mean bitch that some people find it so easy to be, and not give two hoots about anyone's feelings. To just say what I feel. To not give a fucking damn about anyone in the world but myself. So long as I'm happy, I don't give a fucking damn. But I can't. And I'm not. I'm not built that way, and it's making me miserable. I want to live the life fantastic. I want to be looked up to. To be marvelled at. To be wanted and to feel loved. To feel important. To feel as if I matter. But I don't. I'm feeling so uninspired and so hopeless and worthless. I'm so fucking self-indulgent I could slap myself. But I can't. I'm still a child at heart. I need someone to pamper and reassure me. I need to know that what I'm doing is worth something. It's not enough being good. I want to be the best. But of course, 'best' is always subjective, isn't it? I don't fucking care. 'Best' is 'best', and I want to be it. Someone please fucking slap me silly.Sometimes I really think I'll be better off living as a hermit on some Godforsaken island in some corner of the world. There'd be nothing to worry about. How perfect would that be? Just me and Nature and the internet and my books, which I'll order online. No social pretences whatsoever. Not even MSN. I'd be pretty happy I think. Or I could just go live in Tassie, that's close enough.I don't feel like I belong anywhere. It's all one big fucking scam. I feel sick. How nice it would be to just disappear for a bit. To just go to bed and dissipate into nothingness. At least that solves all problems of wanting to be something/someone I'm not.I can't handle the real world. It's too fucking depressing and manipulative. I'm feeling really weak right now. Who says drugs make you feel like shit? You don't even need drugs. All you have to do is just open your eyes and have a look at the people around you.Go ahead you can laugh all you want I got my philosophy Keeps my feet on the groundAnd I trust it like the ground That's why my philosophy It keeps me walking when I'm falling downI see that there is evil And I know that there is goodAnd the in-betweens I never understood Won't you look at me, Yeah I'm crazy, but I get the job done, and I saySo you can laugh all you want to But I got my philosophy Keeps my feet on the groundAnd I love you, you're my friend But you got no philosophyIt keeps me walking when I'm falling down ~ Philosophy, Ben Folds FiveWhat's more important: Career? Lifestyle? Friends? Family? Money?I have no idea. I'm so seriously caught in between it's not funny anymore.I'm a fucking coward, that's what I am. A fucking over-sensitive, gutless, weak, dependent, useless, hyper-emotional coward.It's one thing to expect too much of yourself. But when you expect too much of yourself and lack the ambition and drive to carry out what you want, that's when the shit hits the fan, I say.I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. But then I do, and I go through the day wondering what I'm doing with myself, with my life. And I go to bed and wish for the same thing, but I wake up again. And it all repeats in a vicious cycle.Don't get me wrong, I have my good days, and I also have the bad. But I still carry the uncertainty with me all the time, like a flower that's been run over by countless cars and sealed into the uneven texture of the bitumen. However hard you scrape at it, some flower bits still remain in the road. Until eventually it's run over so many times and disintegrated into nothingness that all you see is the blackness of the tar. Yet you know it's still there, however squashed and unlike it's original form. It just lingers, like a kink in your hair you can't get rid of.
Sunday, May 21, 2006
So apparently, I have issues. Hunh. I wouldn't say I'm your average happy-go-lucky girl-next-door who's got her whole life all laid out in front of her without a care in the world who plants herbs in her garden and breeds rabbits for a past time, but to say hear someone actually say 'You've got issues Daph.' That's harsh.We'd be in rehearsal, and you and McBurnie would always say something and everyone would be like 'What?!~'You always come up with such random one-liners it's bizarre. Everyone thinks you're funny, but I'm thinking 'oh, I'm spending too much time with this girl.' What's that supposed to mean? I have absolutely no blinking clue how to take this. Is it good or bad or...? No idea. It's doing my head in.I mean, will someone define 'issues' for me? What kinda issues? I don't get it anymore. Language is so rapidly changing that something that meant one thing today might mean something totally different a week later. On a separate note, I'm totally hating myself for letting me do this to myself. Does that make sense? Not really, but hey, whatever I'm doing's not making much sense either.It's ironic how I hate people who play games and I profess to not be an advocate of game playing myself, yet by the same token, I don't want to be a direct person and say/do what I'm feeling and what I want because I want to know always that I have the upper hand in a situation before doing anything. I've broken my own rule so far, I've made the first move... and second. Well, if you think about it... I didn't really make the first move, but I reciprocated very positively. That was in stage one. Now we've progressed to stage two, and I've made the first and second moves. I've done what I think is my duty, and I've gotten no reciprocation. Now I went ahead with the moves knowing full well that I had absolutely no clue what the turn out was going to be. Stupid me. Very very very uncharacteristically me. But hey, live a little. I'm trying to change and be bold. Not paying off very well, I'll say. But anyhow, I've made my moves, the ball is no longer in my court anymore, all I can do is wait. I will not make anymore moves because that would just undermine my position. Yes, I will stand firm, even though I'm in jelly mode. Aaaack, hate this shit.I desperately need a night of proper sleep. Three big nights in a row. I'm getting old. I don't think I've ever had this much alcohol in my body, ever. I'm probably exhaling fumes which could kill the plants growing on the walls. Oh hell, I say. Live a little. I don't think there's ever going to be another weekend like this one, so party and be merry while it lasts, that's what I say!
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Lapping up the Loneliness with a Resignated Heart.It seems as if recently, I've opened up the dam to my heart. On the daily level, I am more satisfied, happier, more content, more comfortable and confident of myself and my surroundings. By the same token, I feel and cry more easily. Just watching a performance and hearing the character on stage say that her husband has cancer and she can't imagine life without him is enough to make me cry. A boy recounting his relationship with his father makes me cry. A beautiful piece of music makes me cry. Yet I'm not ashamed of crying. I used to be, but now I accept it readily. This is who I am, and I can't help the way I feel. Al beit I feel silly most times, but it's not something I can help. I am still the same old me. The Me that is still empty on the inside and searching for fulfilment. The Me that doesn't like going home to an empty home in the evenings. The Me that wants to just chill and hang with friends. Yet by the same token, I've come to accept whatever's thrown at me, or whatever I'm thrown into. I've acquiesced. Life is what you get, and I'm not going to be throwing myself against hard brick walls to fight for my rights, my wants, my needs. I just take what I can get and make happy with it. Things are easier that way. I guess. Contentment comes at a mild price, no?
Saturday, May 13, 2006
Somehow I feel as if the experience of Lovepuke and its people has changed me. I am still me, yet different. In a sense, it has liberated me, of some of my insecurities and fallbacks. I don't feel so much like a different person, rather, I feel rather as if I've stepped out of my shell. You know how when you hangout too much with certain people you start to take on their personality traits? Well that's kinda how I'm feeling. I'm not sure if this is going to fade or if it's a long term thing. All I know for sure is that it doesn't necessarily feel like such a bad thing. I'm not totally positive it's good, but at the same time, it's all just really really hazy for me. This semester has flown by so fast, I've met so many people, bonded with a few, but these things kinda come and go, as such is the nature of it. I feel somewhat satisfied. Although the very thought of uni work is constantly tugging at my mind. For the first time ever, I didn't feel tremendously nostalgic at the end of the show. I can't fathom that, because this is the best show I've ever done, yet I wasn't the msot upset I've ever been. I guess you kinda get used to it, see things with an aged eye. Maybe it's simply because it's been such a terribly fan-fucking-tastic show that I have no regrets about it drawing to a close because I gave it the very utmost best I could and I got the very best out of it. It's truly been an amazing show, every single run was perfect. Never have I felt more comfortable, confident and in control of myself and every thing else around me on stage. You grow to trust. And that trust carries on. I guess maybe that's why I've developed this new confidence and frankness in me. The implicit trust and honestly that grew in me during Lovepuke has stayed within me, and I've kinda carried it on with me into my everyday life. I'm liking it. This new-found confidence and security in myself, I like it. I don't care as much what other people think of me, because if they don't like what they see, they can jolly well sod off. Because I know I'm an amazing person, and we can all just let that amazing person within us shine through, if only we'd just leave a little gap for them to wriggle out of. I hope she stays. The Lord has been wonderfully kinda to me, and I an eternally grateful. Let me not be carried away by myself and forget the more important things. I am amazing. But more so is He.
Monday, May 08, 2006
Sitting on the looThere's nothing much to doI think I'll do a pooIt makes me think of you~ Hermione, LovepukeDay 2 of finishing Lovepuke and I'm sitting at home at 730pm, feeling all weird that I have nothing to do(well, I really have a lot of things to do, but I'm just lazy and couldn't get down to doing them cuz they're not fun stuff. I could think about my PER piece. I could rehearse it at home, alone. I could finish reading The Chairs and do my set design on it. I could draw up the floor plan and elevations and think about costuming and lighting. I could do my actor journal and reflective essay and draw on much-much-wiped-away-from-memory from Alice in Wonderland). But nah, I'd rather sit here and think on how I have nothing fun to do. Had a long chat with Jenni from 4-6pm. We both miss Lovepuke. I miss talking about people whom we shared experiences with. I miss gossiping and psycho-analyzing people who psycho-analyze us. I miss speculating on stuff. I miss raunchy jokes. I miss saying and hearing totally inappropriate sexual comments that roll off our tongues as easily as saying 'I don't like beetroot' and everyone being all nonchalent about it when the people in the library around us just now were all freaking out as we were chatting. I miss the shocking comments that McBurnie says so nonchalently, matter-of-factly and wondering why we're shocked. I miss Greg's intellectual challenges and teasing. I miss Liam's affectionate snuggles. I miss Jenni's wide-eyed enthusiasm and acceptance. I miss Skelly's bitchiness. I miss Sarah's honesty and openness. I miss acting out someone who's got a perfect life. I miss the passion McBurnie and I shared on stage. I miss pashing McBurnie. I miss our lil in-jokes. I miss Glen, Hermione, Ivan, Janice, Kevin, Louise, Nathan and Miss Director. I miss Greg, Lauren, Liam, Jenni, Ben, Sarah, McBurnie and Sarah. I miss waking up in the morning with the knowledge that there's something for me to look forward to in the evening. I miss the fulfilment I carry in my heart when I return home at 1am after a fun night's show and chilling out at Pancake Parlour after. I miss going to bed and knowing that I'll wake up looking forward to the day's show. I miss my own purposefulness. I miss having people around me. Going from never having a moment to myself at all, to suddenly having all the time in the world to myself is weird. I'm not feeling lonely, no. I'm just feeling empty. There is a difference. I need someone, or some people, to share my days with.But that's what shows are like, that's what people do. They drift in and out of each others lives. A girl from Rhinoceros was in the library too, and Jenni and I both chatted with her for a bit. It felt strange, like making conversation. We used to have to much fun. Now we're like acquaintances. I don't want to lose that with the Lovepukers. But I know it's bound to happen. How sad is that? That something we live for so fervently one day could just as easily turn to a mere whisper of memories the next. I'm just a weak person really. I'm sick of studying. I want to do shows, revel in the thrill of doing show after show. How great will that be? I'm so excited by that prospect, yet I know it's a helluva huge dream to dream. I can only draw on my faith for support really.I really could use a bit of McBurnie right now.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Yes, Exit Denial stage right :I Am One Possessive Cunt.I'm over it, him. I guess. Kinda. I hops so. There's just too much going on around him, I'm never sure of where I stand, I don't want to be part of the carnival because it's just not my thing. I can't simply be a passive bystander and jump in only when I feel like it and hurtle out again when I'm not in the mood. I simply can't. I'm not built to detach and entangle myself this way. Not physically, not emotionally. I'd go insane. I know it's nothing, I know nothing means anything, but I just can't help feeling a little unappreciated. And I'm better than this. I deserve better. I know that, which is why I'm letting go. I know that if I merely go on for the chase, make my Move No. 1 I could have him so easily. I kinda let slip that I contemplated it, but I couldn't tell much from his reaction. Although my attitude was one of nonchalence too. It might have got him thinking, might have not, who cares? I don't, not anymore. If it happens, it happens. I'm just gonna put in my worth, and that's that. I am No.1 in the line, I think, and it used to be fun when it was only me. But there's been an influx of late, and it shits me that there's more and more people jumping on the band wagon. It's annoys me that I'm not sure of where I stand. It frustrates me that I can't just kick back and still reap my rewards at the end of the day. It unsettles me that I have to fight and conduct subconscious mind games to ensure that I come out tops, and that's shit, because this is not a game. It's not a battle, and I know it, yet I'm treating it like it is. It's a game of power, that's what it is, and I want to have the absolute hold-all without having to lose an arm or leg. I'm not willing to conduct emotional warfare on myself. Which is why I'm throwing in the towel and retiring to the wings. He can go cast his attention on the others, I'm giving up my share of it willingly. If I can't have it all, I won't have any at all.
Monday, May 01, 2006
I am a greedy selfish person.I just realised today how selfish I really am. I knew all along that everyone's intrinsically selfish, to a certain degree, but I totally shocked myself today. I was never an advocate of the whole 'If I can't have it, no one else can' theory. But today I amazed myself when my mouth was saying 'yeah sure, go for it!' but my mind was thinking 'no, shit, fuck'. And I put on the disguise of pretending to be interested in what was going on and teasing, when my real ulterior motive was to find out how things were, and to be in the loop and know the goings-on, just so I could be in the know. I disgust me. I can't believe I'm doing such a sly thing. It's so uncharacteristically me. I'm not that sweet, thoughtful, sincere girl everyone thinks I am. I have my dark side too. Please see that.I don't wanna get bitterI don't wanna turn cruelI don't wanna get old before I have toI don't wanna get jaded ~ Bitter , Jill Sobule
|
|
 |
|
 | |
|
