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Tuesday, April 18, 2006
I've changed, I've become more brash, confident, and less sensitive to others around me. Is that a bad thing? On the one hand, I've learnt to speak out more, but on the other, it's at the expense of overshadowing someone else. But when you're in an environment where everyone's fighting to be heard, you just can't afford to wait for a gap in the conversation before you slip something in. You'll never get a say that way. You have to pit your voices agaisnt each other. Not competitively, but just to get your say out there. "You're so untouchable.""What'd you mean?""You're so sweet and lovely, nothing you say or do alters that image of you. You're so lovely."Really? Somehow I don't see myself that way. I used to make more of an effort to be nice and lovely and pleasing, but now I just couldn't be bothered as much anymore. I've grown more selfish and insensitive. I still try occasionally, but only if I don't stand to lose out much. That's bad. How can I hope to impact people positively when I'm becoming a selfish and indulgent person?Things I do that used to sicken me now have no impact whatsoever on me anymore. Is that bad? Have I desensitized myself to certain things and made them an integral part of me? An I losing that bit of my self and absorbing what others around me have? I've done things in the past few days that I would kick myself at. Yet now I feel no tinge of guilt, regret, shame, repentance or remorse whatsoever. It's become my norm. And that's not good, I think. I guess it part of maturing. You kinda see more things as you grow older, and certain things just become commonplace and cease to have any impact on you anymore. It's not so bad, in that sense. I guess as long as I can still live with myself it should be okay. At least I'm having fun. I just need to still keep an ounce of sense around me at all times.On a totally separate note, I will get up early tomorrow morning and go for my run. I missed out on the previous two days. I will not be lazy and sleep in tomorrow. I will go to bed early tonight (well, earlier than the past two nights at least), and I will get up early tomorrow and go for my run, do some work, and not idle it away sitting in front of the computer chatting! Just to make myself feel better, I'd like to annouce that I do 8.25km in 50-55mins. And that's inclusive of a 750m stretch of really steep 30deg(??? just pulling that number out of my arse) incline up a hill. Kudos to me! I will go and read now before I sleep! To bed! To bed!!!
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