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Saturday, April 29, 2006
Because.Everyday I am reminded of how lucky and fortunate I am, and how I actually, to a certain degree, take that for granted. I have a snazzy car that's new, doesnt give up on me when I'm cruising down the freeway, which I top up with Optimax, instead of normal unleaded petrol. I live alone in a two-room apartment in a prime area. I don't have to work my ass off to pay my rent and bills. I don't have to worry about when my next pay cheque is coming in and stress out about not being able to afford going out and having money to eat. I can shop as and when I want to. I can spent 150AUD without so much as a bat of the eyelid. Whereas 150 can tide my friends through one week. I don't even think twice when I get a coffee. I just get it. I don't have to weigh the pros and cons; of whether I'll have money for dinner if I get this coffee. I am so so fortunate. Thank you God.Lovepuke is coming along beautifully. It's just amazing how everynight I'm discovering new things about my character and about the script. I'd hate for production to be over. This is the best production I've done, ever. I'd hate to lose it. But that's the way the industry goes. You meet people, you build incredible bonds. Suddenly everything dissipates and you return to normal life. So ephemeral. So beautiful. So Sad. But as they say, It was good while it lasted. This will be good. This is good. Soon I'll be saying it was good. But hey, I always have my memories to look back on. I don't really like change, yet I cannot stand a sedentary life in something I do not feel passionate for. Am I in the wrong industry? We've only finished 2 shows, we've 8 more to look forward to, and I'm already dreading closing night. I don't want this to end. I don't want to cease being Marissa. I don't want to lose my Nathan. I guess because in real life, Daphne doesn't have her Nathan, and deep down she's yearning for her Nathan to come along. Finally in Lovepuke, for that 100mins everynight, Daphne can pretend to be Marissa, who's found Nathan, and is very happily fulfilled. Because Daphne secretly wants to be Marissa and when Lovepuke is over, the bubble bursts and all returns to normal and the illusion is shattered. But we move on. And that's the way the cookie crumbles, my sweets.For that 100mins everynight, I'll continue kidding myself then, just for the next 8 nights. Then we move on. But for now, I've got my Nathan, and life isn't perfect, but it's close enough.In a way, productions are like relationships. When you're in a relationship with someone, you give it your all, and it feels fucking awesome to put in your all and get something back in return and it's damn frustrating when you give your heart, but it just doesn't seem to be working out. And when it works, you wanna share it with everyone you know, stand in the middle of a tram and yell out to everyone on board; shout out to everyone in BodyCombat class; wind down the window and whisper it to the guy in the car next to you at the lights. When it ends, you feel like shit. Guess that's why they call it the post-production blues. There's always a safety in knowing that these people will be there for you, at least everynight from 530pm-9pm, til the season ends. It's pathetic, but at least it's something. I'm having so much fun pretending I'm with Nathan. I wish it were real. I really do. But then again, if it were real, I'd probably back away from it simply cuz I'd be too scared. Human beings are such funny creatures. I can't figure myself out. "I need a tranquilizer in my head."
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