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Saturday, April 29, 2006
Because.Everyday I am reminded of how lucky and fortunate I am, and how I actually, to a certain degree, take that for granted. I have a snazzy car that's new, doesnt give up on me when I'm cruising down the freeway, which I top up with Optimax, instead of normal unleaded petrol. I live alone in a two-room apartment in a prime area. I don't have to work my ass off to pay my rent and bills. I don't have to worry about when my next pay cheque is coming in and stress out about not being able to afford going out and having money to eat. I can shop as and when I want to. I can spent 150AUD without so much as a bat of the eyelid. Whereas 150 can tide my friends through one week. I don't even think twice when I get a coffee. I just get it. I don't have to weigh the pros and cons; of whether I'll have money for dinner if I get this coffee. I am so so fortunate. Thank you God.Lovepuke is coming along beautifully. It's just amazing how everynight I'm discovering new things about my character and about the script. I'd hate for production to be over. This is the best production I've done, ever. I'd hate to lose it. But that's the way the industry goes. You meet people, you build incredible bonds. Suddenly everything dissipates and you return to normal life. So ephemeral. So beautiful. So Sad. But as they say, It was good while it lasted. This will be good. This is good. Soon I'll be saying it was good. But hey, I always have my memories to look back on. I don't really like change, yet I cannot stand a sedentary life in something I do not feel passionate for. Am I in the wrong industry? We've only finished 2 shows, we've 8 more to look forward to, and I'm already dreading closing night. I don't want this to end. I don't want to cease being Marissa. I don't want to lose my Nathan. I guess because in real life, Daphne doesn't have her Nathan, and deep down she's yearning for her Nathan to come along. Finally in Lovepuke, for that 100mins everynight, Daphne can pretend to be Marissa, who's found Nathan, and is very happily fulfilled. Because Daphne secretly wants to be Marissa and when Lovepuke is over, the bubble bursts and all returns to normal and the illusion is shattered. But we move on. And that's the way the cookie crumbles, my sweets.For that 100mins everynight, I'll continue kidding myself then, just for the next 8 nights. Then we move on. But for now, I've got my Nathan, and life isn't perfect, but it's close enough.In a way, productions are like relationships. When you're in a relationship with someone, you give it your all, and it feels fucking awesome to put in your all and get something back in return and it's damn frustrating when you give your heart, but it just doesn't seem to be working out. And when it works, you wanna share it with everyone you know, stand in the middle of a tram and yell out to everyone on board; shout out to everyone in BodyCombat class; wind down the window and whisper it to the guy in the car next to you at the lights. When it ends, you feel like shit. Guess that's why they call it the post-production blues. There's always a safety in knowing that these people will be there for you, at least everynight from 530pm-9pm, til the season ends. It's pathetic, but at least it's something. I'm having so much fun pretending I'm with Nathan. I wish it were real. I really do. But then again, if it were real, I'd probably back away from it simply cuz I'd be too scared. Human beings are such funny creatures. I can't figure myself out. "I need a tranquilizer in my head."
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
I have a vague inkling that I mgiht just be a budding alkie. But then again, the payoff is not worth it, having a splitting headache and feeling like roadkill for the better half of the day is not worth downing the shots and kahlua. But on a side note, I just realised that over the easter weekend, I had approximately 2 whisky mixes, 2 tequila shots, 2 vodka mixes, and a bacardi breezer on on night, and 8 bacardi breezers on the night after. And I found myself feeling perfectly fine the next morning. Quite a feat, good on me, no hangover or anything, but what does that say about me? And again, I think I had 3 vodka mixes and 2 vodka shots and 1 1/2 shots of kahlua last night, and I'm only feeling a slight tinge of a sick feeling, but it's probably the nutella that's doing it eheheh Am I really turning into an alkie? Suffice to say, I think that accounts for a pretty good tolerance to alcohol, which is good. But enough of all that drunken talk, Lovepuke opens tomorrow and I am positively pumped!Over the last few rehearsals a few people have been discovering new stuff with their characters, and it's beautiful watching the pieces all come together and it's just so moving to witness the development and progress of these characters in the show. It's simply wonderfully amazing when someone finds their characters, and from then on, evrything just clicks for them. Hot. I haven't been finding out much and discovering stuff with my character. I find myself toying and experimenting with new stuff at certain points, but they're all tiny things here and there, like the tone and intonation and just the general way it's said. But nothing major here. I pretty much clicked and found her when we first started rehearsals, and suffice to say, I haven't had much time to do my work on her, I think it would really help if I sat down for a bit and just wrote and thought a bit on Marissa. Getting that 2 day overdue Shakespeare essay out of the way would be a great help. On a lighter note, it's amazing what pick-up lines guys use. Went out as our characters last night, and some random dude with a funny French/Some European(???) accent walks up to me on the dancefloor and says: 'How many times have people told you you're special?'Me: 'Oh a couple of times.''How many? One? Two?'Me: 'A couple of times.'Oh, you are very special.'Me: 'Well everyone here is special too.''Oh, and smart too.'Like what the hell? You don't walk up to random people who you've only set eyes on for 5 secs and tell them they're special, that's bullKrap. With a capital K.Lovely sidenote, some 3 army dudes waved and smiled at me, and when I laughed and waved back, a mate (who plays the cynic in the play, surprise, surprise) said :'Why did you laugh?'Me: 'Cuz I thought it was funny.''Why'd you find it funny?'Me: 'Cuz some random army dudes just waved and smiled at me, and it's funny cuz it's random.''But why is it funny?'Me: 'Because it's random.''Why do you find that random?'Me: 'Because life is random.''Nuff said, you'd think? But no... a full-on intense 5 min discussion ensued as to why that was random and funny, and it ended with the people next to us agreeing with me, one of them being his buddy, ha! That'll show him. Lawyers, Pffft. It's like a philosophical argument on the Meaning of Life, or a really bad script from a budding absurdist playwright. Either way, it was good, it was fun.Lovepuke opens in 32hrs!! Wow!! Everything's going so well, can't wait. A few technical glitches here and there, but nothing that won't be solved with a bit of fixing-to.It's impossible to not be the character you're playing, isn't it? For that brief period in your life, you catch yourself spouting lines from the play, doing things your character would most probably do. It's understandable how actors tend to hook up during a production, but it usually doesn't last much longer after the season ends. How do you not harbour feelings for someone who's playing your love interest in a show? The novelty eventually dies down, but in the infant stages there's always some chmistry going on there. There has to be chemistry, otherwise it isn't believeable. Especially if a huge part of yourself is your character. I just can't help it, when I hear the other monologues, and how beautifully they're being delivered by the other actors, I can't help tearing. And it doesn't help that the two monologues that affect me the most run consecutively right before me. So by the time I say my first line, I'm pretty much doing my very best to hold it all in for at least the first three lines. It doesn't mean I can cry on cue, it merely means that that particular line carries a lot of weight, and means a lot more to me, as the character, when she's saying it. Because we do that in normal everyday life. Certain things we say affect us more than others. And it's exactly the same on stage, certain things may make you cry, certain things may make you laugh. It's never always totally the same or predictable, because people are not the same or unpredictable. How cliched. But true. The human condition, it's so frail, so weak... it's stunningly beautiful.I've been liberated by Lovepuke. Or rather, I've been liberated by Lovepuke and McBurnie. Yeap, definitely McBurnie. It could only be McBurnie. Who else could say 'Oh I've got STDs. I've got herpes. I think it got it when I went down on this girl who was at the party I talked about the previous time, and then I deep throated this guy.' as if he was saying 'Yeah I got up at 10 this morning and had free range eggs and bacon, and realised I hadn't any eggs left so I had to make a run to the supermarket before coming in to uni in the afternoon.' He's amazing. I don't know what to do with him though. He's a really talented, amazing, beautiful person. But he's fucking himself up good and proper. If he goes on the way he does, he's not going to live past 45. Why does he do this to himself? The payoff just isn't worth. Could it be overcompensation on lost time? Perhaps. But still, nothing justifies throwing your life away. I want to talk some sense to this guy, but I'm not in a position to. It shits me. He deserves better.On a totally unrelated but relevant point, I found my credit card, yay! Ok, really need to get down to my half-written Shakespeare essay now. I'm not just saying it, I will do it. I will. I should. Maybe after I have a crap. You know how you really look forward to doing something you wanna do after you've finished doing something you have to do? Well, I'm looking forward to just kicking back and having a coffee and discovering more of my character later on in the afternoon. After I finish my essay. I just need to get down to it. Now.Oh wait, I've got a set design, a floor plan, 2 elevations, and a lighting design to do too. Shit. Now when's that due again? What's that? Yesterday? I have no idea, my tutor's incompetant and totally out of it. 'Those who can't do; teach'. Yeah, sounds like someone I know. No prizes for guessing.
Friday, April 21, 2006
I lost my credit card.How in the world does one lose their credit card, you wonder? I have absolutely no idea. I wonder too. The last I remembered, I was paying off my speeding fine online with it, and left it on the table next to my laptop, next to the printer, amidst a whole bunch of other small knick-knacks. Next I know, I'm looking for it and I simply can not find it anywhere in the flat. I've searched high and low, under and above, between and amongst, I simply can't find it. Maybe it's a sign that I shouldn't be getting my Balenciaga bag? Hmmm, no. I am getting my bag, by hook or by crook. And I suspect it's the latter eheheheheheMeanwhile, I'm pigging out on M&M crispy speckled eggs cuz I missed out on my easter eggs. I'm such a pig, I know. I'm totally good for a period of time, then I lose control and totally have a binge fest. Then I feel guilty, and blame the weather for being cold so I can't run. Then I start easting healthy all over again, and refrain from sweets and stuff, and the urge accumulates and I have another binge fest, and the cycle repeats itself ehehe Or maybe it's just my period approaching. On that note, I really hope I get my period before Lovepuke opens on Thursday, or even right at the start of the run. I don't want to be worrying bout my period and being bothered by it during the after-party. 'Nuff said. There are prudes reading this blog. Hunh.I realised Lovepuke has brought out a side of me I never knew existed. The Daphne that talks bout farting and its smells and what you do after you go to the toilet. The dirty minded Daphne that cracks really obscene jokes and doesn't flinch. The Daphne that doesn't blush when talking about bikini lines and penises and blowjobs, to a guy. The Daphne that isn't afraid to say what she thinks and show what she feels. The Daphne that is not ashamed to cry. That Daphne that isn't afraid of showing affection and being teased about it. The Daphne that isn't afraid of being who she is and knowing that people still love and acknowledge her for who she is and still accept her as a unique, special, amazing person. The Daphne that is humble and down-to-earth, yet at the same time confident and assertive, but not to the extent of being overbearing and stifling. Basically the Daphne that isn't afraid to show that she's human, and vulnerable, and has flaws and boo-boos, jsut like everyone else, except she doesn't hide it and isn't afraid to show it.Well, maybe I knew all along that this side of me existed, but I was just never comfortable enough in my own skin to allow her to come through. There's always this reputation to keep up, especially coming from such a high-strung culture. But these are things everyone encounters in life, at one point of another, so why are we so squeamish about them? Every thinks them, let them be said! Maybe it's just the people in the play that happen to be more open bout such things. Or maybe it's just the content of the play itself. Lovepuke. Because love is squeamish. Love is about being comfortable with your own gross bits, and getting to know and accepting, and coming to love your partner for all his gross bits. That's real love. That's what Lovepuke is all about. Because Love is like puke. Vile and gross and icky. But it exists, and we have to accept it.I push with all my mightBut the toilet bowl's still whiteThis one won't come without a fightIf you were here I'd be all right ~ Argument #2, LovepukeSweating and snotting and snorting and spewingdribbling and foaming and farting and poohingpissing and sneezing and burping and chunderingthese are my favourite bodily functionseach one accompanied with cerebral malfunctionslove conquers allincluding my better senseslove sweat love shitI love your every bit ~ Hermione, LovepukeHow true. I wait for the day when I can safely say I dare to open my heart. But til then, I'm slowly inching my way there.
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
I've changed, I've become more brash, confident, and less sensitive to others around me. Is that a bad thing? On the one hand, I've learnt to speak out more, but on the other, it's at the expense of overshadowing someone else. But when you're in an environment where everyone's fighting to be heard, you just can't afford to wait for a gap in the conversation before you slip something in. You'll never get a say that way. You have to pit your voices agaisnt each other. Not competitively, but just to get your say out there. "You're so untouchable.""What'd you mean?""You're so sweet and lovely, nothing you say or do alters that image of you. You're so lovely."Really? Somehow I don't see myself that way.
I used to make more of an effort to be nice and lovely and pleasing, but now I just couldn't be bothered as much anymore. I've grown more selfish and insensitive. I still try occasionally, but only if I don't stand to lose out much. That's bad. How can I hope to impact people positively when I'm becoming a selfish and indulgent person?Things I do that used to sicken me now have no impact whatsoever on me anymore. Is that bad? Have I desensitized myself to certain things and made them an integral part of me? An I losing that bit of my self and absorbing what others around me have? I've done things in the past few days that I would kick myself at. Yet now I feel no tinge of guilt, regret, shame, repentance or remorse whatsoever. It's become my norm. And that's not good, I think. I guess it part of maturing. You kinda see more things as you grow older, and certain things just become commonplace and cease to have any impact on you anymore. It's not so bad, in that sense. I guess as long as I can still live with myself it should be okay. At least I'm having fun. I just need to still keep an ounce of sense around me at all times.On a totally separate note, I will get up early tomorrow morning and go for my run. I missed out on the previous two days. I will not be lazy and sleep in tomorrow. I will go to bed early tonight (well, earlier than the past two nights at least), and I will get up early tomorrow and go for my run, do some work, and not idle it away sitting in front of the computer chatting! Just to make myself feel better, I'd like to annouce that I do 8.25km in 50-55mins. And that's inclusive of a 750m stretch of really steep 30deg(??? just pulling that number out of my arse) incline up a hill. Kudos to me! I will go and read now before I sleep! To bed! To bed!!!
Friday, April 14, 2006
The quickening of the heart; the catching of the breath. I was literally hyperventilating, I could feel my breath getting shallower and faster by the second. I placed my hand upon my bosom and could feel my heart going at a million miles an hour. Everything around me started to melt away into one huge blob and nothing seemed to matter. I was craning my neck to get mere glances and to burn the image deeper into my mind. I wished so desperately it would not veer off from the route I was taking. I only had my eyes on the one thing that was in front of me. The silver Aston Martin DB9.I don't recall feeling this way ever in my life before. Maybe I have, but for a brief 10second window in my futile chase, I was in love. For a minute there I actually thought Hello Aston Martin, Goodbye Maserati. And that's huge, I mean, something else replacing Maserati? That's fucking huge man. But we have to be realistic, an Aston Martin? ***scream scream silent scream***How close was I to it? Ryan was fully less than 2 metres away from it, he was right behind the Db9, and I was like, 3-4metres away from it? Wow. Probably the closest I'll ever be to an Aston Martin.All I heard was a beautiful purr and I looked up to see this silver beauty go zooming away from the round-about. My heart panicked for the 5seconds it took for traffic to clear up and I tried desperstely to tail the Aston Martin. It was a constant 4cars ahead of me, til I got caught at the red lights because of some stupid fuckwit in a beat up puke-green Suzuki Swift. Give me an Aston Martin and I'll turn celibate. No questions asked.What are the odds? A gunmetal grey-dark blue Aston Martin Vantage and a silver Aston Martin DB9, both on the same road, going in different directions, within 12hrs of each other, both with NSW license plates. Sighted by two separate people who happen to be friends. What are the odds man?The beautiful streamline body, the sloping tail lights that meet at the beautiful angle, the curves of that to-die-for smoothness, the ferocious yet gentle purr of the V12 engine, the feeling of the ground rumbling under you, the way the body of the car caresses the ground it glides over. The aggression in the way with which it takes to the roads and claims it for its own. Ahh."The Omega Ladies Speedmaster. Diamond crusted bezel with red alligator strap. $10,255. All it needs is a pair of expensive heels and a Maserati." - Automobiles ClassicI'll say. Now I feel like an expensive watch. I hate to say this, but I think my brother was right. Everyone needs an expensive watch. And expensive heels. And bags. And clothes. And good makeup. And a hot car. Like a Maserati or an Aston Martin, or an M5 or M6, or 6Series, or a Bentley Continental GT.Well, one can only dream.
Sunday, April 09, 2006
I seriously don't know what's wrong with me anymore. Am I bipolar? I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I don't know why I keep fucking myself up, and why I let myself be fucked up by stupid people and the stupid things they say and do. Why am I also letting myself turn into a selfish wanker who fucks others around? Above all, just why the fuck am I wasting time writing this pointless self-indulgent aimless post when I really should be working on getting my performance done for tomorrow morning cuz I have absolutely nothing? I don't know what the fuck I'm doing with myself anymore. I need more than direction, but I simply have no clue as to what I seek.
Huge Heave of Relief...Alice is come and goneLovepuke awaits expectantlyMy tiny heart is bursting with excitement.Although it's been a tough ride with Alice, fraught full of tension and explosion points and exhaustion and lots more, it hasn't been less of a lesson. To me, Alice was quite a success, but I'm not too sure about the production side of it. I don't think it fell flat on its face, but it didn't take off too far into the sky, but it did take off, and I think that's what important, and it took us all with it."I think I can safely say that from day one til now, from the day you came to audition for us, til opening night tonight, I don't we were able to give you anything from this."I beg to differ. There is always something to be learnt, it's only a matter of whether or not what's learnt is the desired lesson.Regardless, I'm really thankful to all those involved, and for this opportunity to step out of my comfort zone and take on such a task. It's pushed me in different ways imagined, and I know what I'm capable of, and what I can handle and face. I guess it's always a question of whether the pay-off is worth the effort, and from the feedback that I received with regards to my performance, I think it was rather worth it. We all need assurance, I know what I'm capable of, but I still need to be told that I can be better. That people see in me what I'm too afraid/humble to proclaim."You've got stage presence.""She spent the least time rehearsing with you, even though you had the most lines, and she spent heaps of time with the rest, but the desired outcome from you was the best and the rest was not as good. You had like 2, 3 individual rehearsals with her, yet you were able to do such a great job with your character. The other leads in previous musicals spent like 4-5 months rehearsing but you did such a great job in merely 6 weeks. You've got the talent and she thinks you're amazing.""You've done backstage? I can't imagine you doing that, because I believe that people have it in them to either be onstage or backstage, and I don't think you belong to the latter."Thank you all for those really heartening and encouraging comments, I really needed to hear them, not so much as an ego boost, but more as reassurance that I have made the right choice, and that I'm not going on the wrong path. So thank you all, and I thank Thee for bringing me to such a point in this road, and for always reassuring me when I'm unsure and weak, and bringing joy to my heart. Let me always be inspired and positive in light of all the obstacles and challenges to come.
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Everyone, keep an eye out for http://www.myspace.com/lovepukeI just can't wait til I return to the cast of Lovepuke and we resume making wonderfully hormonally charged theatre. Oh how my heart throbs for them! Out of Wonderland and into Loveland. Haha, how trite!!! I've heard from our director we'll be getting, get this, television publicity for our play!! WOoHOo!! Apparently we'll be featured on Today, Tonight, which is a current affairs programme which airs daily at primetime, 630pm. She says a news team will be following us as we go undercover in the world of online dating. How exciting!!! And we'll get to be on tv! WOW! How much better to publicise something than on tv?!~?! Everything about this play is so exciting and going so well, I just can't believe it. We have yet to hit a single obstacle in our rehearsal process, it's amazing!!! Three weeks to the show and we've already blocked the whole show. Now all that's left is delving deeper into our characters and exploring our relationships with one another. Everything's going so well I'm really excited! I only wish I could have more time to spend with the cast, instead of being held up in Wonderland. I love my character, and I love how she really speaks for me in a lot of the lines. And I love the rapport going on between my co-actors and me, especially the guy who's my partner in the play. It's all just so enthralling the thought of it ending 5 weeks from now is too tough to even think of. 5 weeks? No, actually I think it's exactly a month and a day til closing night!! Yikes! We've got our online publicity website, we'll be going on national tv, we'll be getting wristbands to wear to publicise the show, we've got an amazing, eye-catching publicity poster, and most importantly, we've got a stellar team. What more could a production ask for? I can hardly keep still just thinking of it.Lined next to it, Alice is in a huge contrast to Lovepuke, but I think I'm beginning to feel the tingle of excitement for opening night, tonight!! I've started to grow fond of certain aspects of it, definitely not the set changes, they're a bit tad too much and too long, hopefully we can shave off at least 15mins of set change time... but the people are lovely, not all, but quite a few, save for that one PRC bitch I so desperately want to give a huge bitchslap to. That aside, most stuff's good, opening in 30hours; we desperately need a cue to cue; we only get the theatre at 4pm tomorrow, wish us luck!!
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