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Monday, March 20, 2006
This morning the alarm went off at 7am, but I put it off, twice, without realising it.I woke up at 9.45am with tears in my eyes, and the last thing I recall was dreaming about my mum. I guess this time I'm really homesick eh?Got home yesterday night at 11.30pm. I wanted to call home, just to let my family know I was okie. But decided against it cuz I was tired. Guess what? Dad calls. It felt so good to be hearing a familiar voice, to hear his weary voice was comforting, yet at the same time aching. I had to hold back the sobs at the back of my throat. I think he was too.I was so weary this morning that as I was walking up a flight of stairs I've climbed at least a hundred times in the performing arts centre, I fell just as I was taking the second step. It didn't matter that all the music students were looking. It didn't matter that there were two guys who witnessed the entire incident right before their very eyes. It didn't matter that two guys were coming down the stairs and saw the whole thing and heard me swear 'Fuckin Al'. What mattered was that no one gave a damn. I felt so worthless then. I was two notches away from crying. When I got into class, it was even worse cuz as I was waiting for the class to begin, the tutor of the morning class which I skipped walked by and saw me, and I said 'I couldn't get up this morning and I was feeling very sick.' He gave me the 'Yeah right, don't even try to make up a shit excuse' look, and walked away before I could finish what I wanted to say. Imagine being shot down with a look by someone you respect. Ouch. There were at least 5 times in class when I came so close to crying, it wasn't even funny. I conclude that I'm an emotionally needy and physically affectionate person. Gosh that's bad.I just want someone to hold and cuddle me right now. To let me know it's fine to be weak and vulnerable. To remind me that we all crack at some point or another. To assure me that I can drop my tough independent mask and just be babied for now. I want to allow myself to open up and be touched without being vulnerable. Is that impossible?
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