|
|
| |
|
 |
| |
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
27 March 2006 1645hrsStressed? No. Annoyed? Irritated? No. What's the word? Depressed? I don't know. Frustrated?I am so frustrated right now, it is beyond words. I just want to lie down and not get up for the next two weeks. And then when I do get up, there'll be a whole mountain of stuff to catch up on. Fuck.I refuse to break down in front of anyone. Especially not in front of my tutors and performing arts mates. No one will say I am weak and cannot handle stuff. I can do it, and I will."Everyone needs to let go at sometime or another." True, but now's not the time for me. I cannot afford to lose it, not now, and not in front of these people. I refuse to be thought little of. I refuse to be judged. I will have my stand and shout it.I'm at the point where if anyone asks me if I'm okay, which I obviously am not, I being to tear up. I will not let it happen. I can do this. I cannot take care and concern right now, simply because I need it so desperately. The tiniest shrapnel will tear through this distanced exterior. I just need to hang in there for another 2 weeks, and stay focused and push myself more. I can do this. I've been through worse.29 March 2006 1229hrsOk, I just had a panic attack. Alice in Wonderland is nearing the end of its rehearsal period, and my journal has ONE entry. Not good. And I'm being graded on that journal and an essay. Not that I haven't done journals before, no, but admit it, we all know Daphne Quah's journal writing is crap. And she is the worst person ever to waffle something out of nothing. Plus it doesn't help that I'm probably the most experienced person in the entire team, and probably all the actors have never done any acting on stage before and are the typical burst-into-giggles-when-someone-stuffs-up-a-line kinda girls, and no one is taking anything seriously and they're all too self-conscious and I can't learn anything from anyone and half the time I'm either holding my frustration in or being very bored waiting or doing the same old shit again and again while some keeps stuffing up. And come on, who am I to say a thing? I ain't the director, I can't step up and give them a pep talk, that's just plain presumptuousness on my side. The director may have done some stuff, sure, but she doesn't motivate and know how to push the cast's right buttons. She doesn't work to accomodate them, she assumes that they have accomodated her way of thinking. Which is heaps frustrating, because everyone is infinitely different, and if you want us to reproduce a certain vision you have, it's not going to be possible, especially given that we have only a month to rehearse a musical with 10 musical numbers in it. Basically I have nothing to work with, and am going with my own gut instinct. I have been given short of nothing, and I have no inspiration to write in my journal because it'd basically all be whinging and whining, and I'm sure my tutor wouldn't want to read that, he gets enough of it in uni I'll bet. What am I going to do? Random bouts of panic attack because of this. And something else. My other tutor hates me because I wagged his class because I was so knackered I couldn't physically get up, and he saw me in uni later that day. Huge Oops... On top of that, we're supposed to work on a 3min piece to perform at the end of the semester, and I haven't done a single shred of research or rehearsal or have anything to show anyone. He hates me, I'm positive. Things to be thankful for:LovePuke is coming along SO well, I can hardly contain my excitement. The cast is amazing. We bond so well, and they are all so bloody talented and funny people. I'm really blessed to be part of this amazing team. Wow. Can't wait til Alice finishes and I can devote my time to LovePuke, ... and uni work. I'm out of my depressive state, yay. Slowly (and surely?) regaining my composure and my energy, starting to feel myself coming back out of my containment bottle. Hope it stays that way.Looking forward to going back to Wagamama. The cook there is so hot. I reckon he digs me, I think, he was really nice to us when we were there. Just us, and not the other patrons. I wanna try my luck, just once. See how it goes, nothing to lose, hopefully.Only 11 days til I'm free from being trapped in Wonderland. I can make it through.Things that are dragging me down:Alice. 'Nuff said.Only 4 days til bump-in.8 days to opening night.Hang in there Daphne, hang in there.The infinite plethora of possibilities that I could do with my PER piece, yet I know not where to start. Urgh. Not to mention that fact that I'm lagging way behind everyone else. And I'm workin on my own, which makes it worse, considering that fact that I'm a procrastinator. And I feel unloved by my coursemates.Ryan is 3 1/2 months past his servicing date. Sorry baby. I've been busy.Ryan needs a good washing up because some magpie with diarrhoea shat all over his trunk. Not a pretty sight. Plus it's bad for the paintwork. Lousy ornithological beings.My flat is a hole. I've never, in my two years here, seen my place in such a mess. I really don't know where to start. I don't even know when I can find the time to start.I've got a fucking chronic headache. My neck and back have never been this tense and sore in my entire life. I need a break. Either that, or I'm getting old.Petrol prices are skyrocketing.I haven't bought a single item in ages, and all the items I have my eye on are either unavailable in Australia, way too fucken expensive, or out of stock. Fuck this shit. I need my retail therapy.I don't have enough money because of fucking Melbourne transport fines.I haven't had the time to eat properly. I don't want to put on weight because of a shit diet.There's noone here that I can run to at the drop of a hat when I need a shoulder to cry on, or simply someone to prop me up and offer me support.In short, I need reassurance. I need to know that I am amazing, and that I am special. But I don't want to have to beg for it. I just need someone to comfort me. To see through that tough stance and let me be me. And to be weak and crumble, for that moment, just so that I cant pick myself up again and carry on with my head held high. Let's just hope I don't break down again, least not in front of the Alice people. Gosh, the silence that perforated the air then, you could feel that tension and shock and unease from them. Man am I capable of some amazing shit. But nuff said, I'm not going to do that again, hopefully. Daphne Quah does not break down twice in front of the same people.Somebody, hold me too close.Somebody, hurt me too deep.Somebody, sit in my chair.And ruin my sleep, And make me awareOf being alive. Being Alive.Somebody, need me too much.Somebody, know me too well.Somebody, pull me up short.And put me through hellAnd give me supportFor being alive. Make me alive.But alone is alone, not alive.Somebody, crowd me with love.Somebody, force me to care.Somebody, make me come through,I'll always be there, as frightened as youTo help us survive,Being alive! ~ 'Being Alive', CompanyThanks Miss Mei Ming, I owe this song to you.
|
|
 |
|
 | |
|
