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Wednesday, March 29, 2006
27 March 2006 1645hrsStressed? No. Annoyed? Irritated? No. What's the word? Depressed? I don't know. Frustrated?I am so frustrated right now, it is beyond words. I just want to lie down and not get up for the next two weeks. And then when I do get up, there'll be a whole mountain of stuff to catch up on. Fuck.I refuse to break down in front of anyone. Especially not in front of my tutors and performing arts mates. No one will say I am weak and cannot handle stuff. I can do it, and I will."Everyone needs to let go at sometime or another." True, but now's not the time for me. I cannot afford to lose it, not now, and not in front of these people. I refuse to be thought little of. I refuse to be judged. I will have my stand and shout it.I'm at the point where if anyone asks me if I'm okay, which I obviously am not, I being to tear up. I will not let it happen. I can do this. I cannot take care and concern right now, simply because I need it so desperately. The tiniest shrapnel will tear through this distanced exterior. I just need to hang in there for another 2 weeks, and stay focused and push myself more. I can do this. I've been through worse.29 March 2006 1229hrsOk, I just had a panic attack. Alice in Wonderland is nearing the end of its rehearsal period, and my journal has ONE entry. Not good. And I'm being graded on that journal and an essay. Not that I haven't done journals before, no, but admit it, we all know Daphne Quah's journal writing is crap. And she is the worst person ever to waffle something out of nothing. Plus it doesn't help that I'm probably the most experienced person in the entire team, and probably all the actors have never done any acting on stage before and are the typical burst-into-giggles-when-someone-stuffs-up-a-line kinda girls, and no one is taking anything seriously and they're all too self-conscious and I can't learn anything from anyone and half the time I'm either holding my frustration in or being very bored waiting or doing the same old shit again and again while some keeps stuffing up. And come on, who am I to say a thing? I ain't the director, I can't step up and give them a pep talk, that's just plain presumptuousness on my side. The director may have done some stuff, sure, but she doesn't motivate and know how to push the cast's right buttons. She doesn't work to accomodate them, she assumes that they have accomodated her way of thinking. Which is heaps frustrating, because everyone is infinitely different, and if you want us to reproduce a certain vision you have, it's not going to be possible, especially given that we have only a month to rehearse a musical with 10 musical numbers in it. Basically I have nothing to work with, and am going with my own gut instinct. I have been given short of nothing, and I have no inspiration to write in my journal because it'd basically all be whinging and whining, and I'm sure my tutor wouldn't want to read that, he gets enough of it in uni I'll bet. What am I going to do? Random bouts of panic attack because of this. And something else. My other tutor hates me because I wagged his class because I was so knackered I couldn't physically get up, and he saw me in uni later that day. Huge Oops... On top of that, we're supposed to work on a 3min piece to perform at the end of the semester, and I haven't done a single shred of research or rehearsal or have anything to show anyone. He hates me, I'm positive. Things to be thankful for:LovePuke is coming along SO well, I can hardly contain my excitement. The cast is amazing. We bond so well, and they are all so bloody talented and funny people. I'm really blessed to be part of this amazing team. Wow. Can't wait til Alice finishes and I can devote my time to LovePuke, ... and uni work. I'm out of my depressive state, yay. Slowly (and surely?) regaining my composure and my energy, starting to feel myself coming back out of my containment bottle. Hope it stays that way.Looking forward to going back to Wagamama. The cook there is so hot. I reckon he digs me, I think, he was really nice to us when we were there. Just us, and not the other patrons. I wanna try my luck, just once. See how it goes, nothing to lose, hopefully.Only 11 days til I'm free from being trapped in Wonderland. I can make it through.Things that are dragging me down:Alice. 'Nuff said.Only 4 days til bump-in.8 days to opening night.Hang in there Daphne, hang in there.The infinite plethora of possibilities that I could do with my PER piece, yet I know not where to start. Urgh. Not to mention that fact that I'm lagging way behind everyone else. And I'm workin on my own, which makes it worse, considering that fact that I'm a procrastinator. And I feel unloved by my coursemates.Ryan is 3 1/2 months past his servicing date. Sorry baby. I've been busy.Ryan needs a good washing up because some magpie with diarrhoea shat all over his trunk. Not a pretty sight. Plus it's bad for the paintwork. Lousy ornithological beings.My flat is a hole. I've never, in my two years here, seen my place in such a mess. I really don't know where to start. I don't even know when I can find the time to start.I've got a fucking chronic headache. My neck and back have never been this tense and sore in my entire life. I need a break. Either that, or I'm getting old.Petrol prices are skyrocketing.I haven't bought a single item in ages, and all the items I have my eye on are either unavailable in Australia, way too fucken expensive, or out of stock. Fuck this shit. I need my retail therapy.I don't have enough money because of fucking Melbourne transport fines.I haven't had the time to eat properly. I don't want to put on weight because of a shit diet.There's noone here that I can run to at the drop of a hat when I need a shoulder to cry on, or simply someone to prop me up and offer me support.In short, I need reassurance. I need to know that I am amazing, and that I am special. But I don't want to have to beg for it. I just need someone to comfort me. To see through that tough stance and let me be me. And to be weak and crumble, for that moment, just so that I cant pick myself up again and carry on with my head held high. Let's just hope I don't break down again, least not in front of the Alice people. Gosh, the silence that perforated the air then, you could feel that tension and shock and unease from them. Man am I capable of some amazing shit. But nuff said, I'm not going to do that again, hopefully. Daphne Quah does not break down twice in front of the same people.Somebody, hold me too close.Somebody, hurt me too deep.Somebody, sit in my chair.And ruin my sleep, And make me awareOf being alive. Being Alive.Somebody, need me too much.Somebody, know me too well.Somebody, pull me up short.And put me through hellAnd give me supportFor being alive. Make me alive.But alone is alone, not alive.Somebody, crowd me with love.Somebody, force me to care.Somebody, make me come through,I'll always be there, as frightened as youTo help us survive,Being alive! ~ 'Being Alive', CompanyThanks Miss Mei Ming, I owe this song to you.
Monday, March 20, 2006
This morning the alarm went off at 7am, but I put it off, twice, without realising it.I woke up at 9.45am with tears in my eyes, and the last thing I recall was dreaming about my mum. I guess this time I'm really homesick eh?Got home yesterday night at 11.30pm. I wanted to call home, just to let my family know I was okie. But decided against it cuz I was tired. Guess what? Dad calls. It felt so good to be hearing a familiar voice, to hear his weary voice was comforting, yet at the same time aching. I had to hold back the sobs at the back of my throat. I think he was too.I was so weary this morning that as I was walking up a flight of stairs I've climbed at least a hundred times in the performing arts centre, I fell just as I was taking the second step. It didn't matter that all the music students were looking. It didn't matter that there were two guys who witnessed the entire incident right before their very eyes. It didn't matter that two guys were coming down the stairs and saw the whole thing and heard me swear 'Fuckin Al'. What mattered was that no one gave a damn. I felt so worthless then. I was two notches away from crying. When I got into class, it was even worse cuz as I was waiting for the class to begin, the tutor of the morning class which I skipped walked by and saw me, and I said 'I couldn't get up this morning and I was feeling very sick.' He gave me the 'Yeah right, don't even try to make up a shit excuse' look, and walked away before I could finish what I wanted to say. Imagine being shot down with a look by someone you respect. Ouch. There were at least 5 times in class when I came so close to crying, it wasn't even funny. I conclude that I'm an emotionally needy and physically affectionate person. Gosh that's bad.I just want someone to hold and cuddle me right now. To let me know it's fine to be weak and vulnerable. To remind me that we all crack at some point or another. To assure me that I can drop my tough independent mask and just be babied for now. I want to allow myself to open up and be touched without being vulnerable. Is that impossible?
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
'This room doesn't have very good ventilation, does it?' Whilst fanning his script vigorously to a corner of the room.
'Why?'
'I had a fart.'
MacBurnie standing quietly in a corner of the room while everyone is standing in a circle in the middle.
'What're you doing MacBurnie?'
'Sshhh, wait, I need to fart.'
'Why is it that people can talk about burping but they get all embarrassed when it comes to farting?? They're both the same thing, it's just the body needing to get rid of air from the stomach.'
'Sometimes I get really excited after I've taken a dump and I tell my friends about it.'
Isn't it beautiful how these people can be so open about such normal everyday happenings? I personally think it's amazing that people can be so comfortable with their bodies they can talk about it without getting all red-faced. It's only normal, everyone burps; farts; shits. Even the Queen, or Rob Thomas, so why the embarrassment? You'll hardly find any Asians like that.
On the other hand, MacBurnie and his 'I had the wildest group orgy over the weekend', 'Oh my God, this threesome i had at this party was simply amazing' and 'You and I are so gonna fuck before this play ends' is another story altogether. But all in all, I'm loving this group of people. We're barely two rehearsals in and already the girls are gossiping about the sexual tensions igniting the rehearsal room. But hey, put in 4 girls, 4 guys, a play about love and sex, with half of the cast and the director from performing arts, and what else do you expect to get? A silent peaceful demonstration against global warming? I hardly think so.
I love MacBurnie, I love how he's so candid about everything. He says what he thinks. He's not gonna pretend he's all nice and charming just to get in your pants, he'll just tell you straight that he wants to get in your pants and when's a good time for you. Nothing's taboo with this guy, I love it. 'Hey I'll grab your number after rehearsal and I can give you a booty call.'
'Sorry, I've got sweaty palms.''That's okie, less friction, makes it easier to slide up and down.''She's absolutely gagging for it.' 'Yeah MacBurnie wants to fuck everything.'
'When I die, I wanna come back as a rollar coaster, and lots of people would be queueing up to ride me.'
I love this guy.
Did I mention that it says in the script that we're supposed to pash passionately in one scene? How exciting!
'Sorry, didn't mean to grab your hand that hard.'
'No, don't worry bout it. It was actually quite a turn on.'
Jenni makes an amused/disturbed face. 'Really?'
'Naw, just kidding.'
'Oh, how disappointing.'
'Yeah, it did turn me me on, a little.'
Friday, March 10, 2006
Walking down an empty street with empty hands in empty pockets.In exactly three weeks, a parking fine; a speeding fine; a tram fine. What's next? A 'being alive' fine?? Fuck this shit, it's fucking $336 to the fucking tightarse government who either uses the money to fund hugearse tobacco companies, or to dish out to the wastrels who roam the streets instead of getting a decent job. That's like a fucking QUARTER of my balenciaga bag... Fucken dipshits. I can get a Bvlgari bracelet AND still have ample money to have a decent dinner at a swanky steakhouse and squeeze in a coffee. Alternatively I could get TWO bally belts in different colours and have enough money left over for that swanky dinner AND have coffee and cake. Fuck this shit, I say. It never rains but it pours. This is so darn depressing. Since when did I start letting money get me down?
Thursday, March 09, 2006
I am a horrible and selfish person who takes things for grantedand it's tormenting me.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Observations of the pedestrain palHow bad does it look when an actor fails to turn up at the very first reading of a musical, and when called and demanded where she is, she says she wasn't aware that rehearsals start on that day, but was under the impression that they start two days later. So she proceeds to say that she can get there in 40minutes, but they say forget it, just come to the second one. When she apologises there is a fraughtful silence, and one hear the reluctance to accept the apology and the annoyance and frustration through the radiation waves. She then remembers that she'll be late to the second rehearsal because she has something on and she did tell the director at the production meeting, but she's not sure if the director had taken note of that or passed on the imformation. It really doesn't help when it's a chinese musical, and the actor is probably the least proficient in chinese amongst all the other actors and also happens to be the lead, so there's doubly more work at hand. And here she is, skipping the first two rehearsals. Not to sound terribly mean, but the reason why she's the lead is probably because all the other actors simply have no clue, and are typical gu-niangs who treat everything as a joke and a social event, who stop after the first 2 lines of the improv during the audition to ask the director how to say a certain chinese word in english. Now the producers probably get the impression that the lead actress is a snob and a diva who thinks she's all that simply because she's a theatre student. Which, suffice to say, is hardly the truth. Because deep down, although she is excited at the prospect of this personal cliff to climb, she's afraid that she'll tumble down while she's at it, simply because she's inadequately prepared for this trying task. She can't even speak chinese properly, much less memorise it, act it, and sing it. Could she be taking on too much?? Why wasn't she able to attend the first two rehearsals, I hear you ask. Well, because she was at another audition she arranged because she wasn't aware of the first rehearsal, and she's got another callback which clashes with the second rehearsal. Do you think she's possibly doing the typical rookie mistake by taking on too much and ending up on her bum because she can't handle and juggle it all? I'm having an inkling of suspicion. But she's keeping her hopes up, that this is only a one-off, well, two-off really, and that it'll come to pass and it won't happen again and that all will go peachy and time will work itself out for her. Which, as we all know, is hardly the case. But she's holding out in there, anxiously working at the non-simplified chinese characters (through the dodgy printing) and waiting til wednesday(when she arrives late to rehearsal, or thursday, if she can't make it to the wednesday rehearsal at all).Oh did I forget to all in that there's all that uni work too? Yeah, I think that's a given yeah?Well, she hopes she's done the right thing and that everything will fit in nicely and unfold smoothly for her. Meanwhile she's bearing hopes that she gets the role in the callbacks for the play this wednesday, and that she'll get the role in the major play to be held at the end of semester. Some people never learn do they? Either that, or they're just plain greedy. Or maybe both. Yeah, it's both I reckon.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Thou base lily-livered knave!Yikes, the frivolity of our hearts and minds is infinitely astounding. I never cease to amaze myself, and this time I don't mean it in a nice flattering way. When you need to focus your mind on the more pressing tasks at hand, the mind always finds a loophole to lodge itself into and fester there while you wish you could just get your grubby fingers on it and yank it back to reality. Acting dumb and oblivious is quite the option sometimes, but when things start getting a tad bit too obvious to ignore, or on the other hand, when you're being a tad too subtle to be real, is when things start getting awry. Ah how I wish for the simplicity of things, truth be told. Where everything was laid out in the open, and people had broad comprehending minds, myself included, and where you could take everything at face value. Wouldn't that be perfect? Sometimes, I find myself the sneakiest being ever (not literally, I know someone who beats me hands down, he is a total shitepot anyway). Not out of choice, but simply because circumstances leave me with no option otherwise. I'm a tub full of turd, I am. Aie, sneaky bastards are rampant these days.Methinks I should get back to the tasks at hand before I realise with anxious pitter-patter of the heart that I've run out of precious time, yet again. Or maybe I should take it slow, allow myself to breathe, and while I'm at it, give my heart space to grow. She's never going to blossom the way I suppress her. But hey, it's never easy to let go of something precious, is it? She's safer in the confines of my being, where at least I know I'm the only person capable of hurting her.
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